And it’s been 10 days since I was here. It is what it is I guess.

I’ve been really close to my morning pages lately. Like I’ve enjoyed writing them, but also looking forward to it more than usual. Today and yesterday I wrote for about a page and then had to leave for CF and came home and finished it later in the day. I did some other stuff after getting home which means I didn’t actually finish until 5 pm or so. I kind of wish I was writing in that stupid notebook right now. Hmm.

I squatted at CF today to find my one rep max which it turns out is 225 pounds. I’m happy with that I guess. It’s not really that much weight, but I’ll get stronger. My knees also aren’t too perturbed right now. They do feel a little off, but it’s not necessarily pain so I’m hoping that tomorrow they feel fine. I scraped them during the wod yesterday because we had to do a ton of lunges with the bar in the front rack position so they hurt from that.

I emailed Y today. I had just drank some coffee and basically word vomited into the email for a spell. I feel bad just dumping that onto her, but I don’t think she really minds. I was really just working some stuff out in my head in the email to her. That’s ok I guess. She did email me back because I also asked if I could use her as a reference and she wanted to tell me that was ok. I think I’ll email her back again tonight and let her know it’s not all doom and gloom or anything. I have some things to be grateful for in my life and just need to work harder at staying upbeat and positive regarding everything. I can’t succumb to the negativity and despair because then it takes off and I lose control.

My life is headed somewhere. I may not be able to see that right now, but it is. At some point in the future I’m going to find myself in a really neat position happily pursuing things that I enjoy and find meaningful. It’s tough right now feeling like I’m in the thick of the uncertainty, but that’s just the way things go. I’ll get through this just like I’ve gotten through everything else and the world will be a different place when that happens.

I want, no I need, to write something more comprehensive than these little thoughts I spew onto here or my journal. It’s raging inside of me and threatening to hijack everything if I don’t sit down and come to terms with it through writing. I can feel that and these last few days it’s been painfully obvious that I most likely won’t be able to move past this point if I don’t take a close, hard look at all of things that got me here. I need a cathartic release from the past. Instead of seeking that I simply rehash on a daily basis how much it’s needed.

I have been drinking a lot of caffeine again and I’m not sure it’s the best thing for me. Actually, I know it’s not a great thing for me at all, but I’m usually tired in the morning and give in and drink some coffee. It’s found itself into my routine. Today I drank two k cups which is more than usual. I generally just stick with one in the morning. I don’t know how much effort I should put into trying to quit that. I probably could, but I’ve been using caffeine as a somewhat effective weapon against the depression that I’m trying to stave off. I’m not sure if it’s making things better or worse at this point.

Today was just like yesterday which will most likely be the same as tomorrow. I don’t like that. What happened to the joy and the magic of life? How have I managed to lose sight of that? I really hope to reclaim it soon.

Gratitude List:

Squatting heavy with no major issues with my knees

Morning pages

The need to express or the real possibility of total destruction