I went into the city yesterday to meet Andrew. We got dinner in Koreatown and then went to a design museum on the UES I’ve been wanting to check out. It was fun. Today we got up and met a couple of his friends for brunch and then we went to the gym. After, we went and saw a new spy movie that had some very attractive men in it. Despite the super freakishly cold weather, it was a good day. Oh, I also went to the wrong terminal at the bus station and waited and waited wondering why the bus hadn’t come yet before asking someone. When I got to the bus terminal I thought “I don’t need to check what terminal to go to, I’ve done this before” and went to the one I’ve used the past few times I’ve taken the bus. Well, apparently the bus I needed only picks up there if it’s after 10 pm. Oops. I did end up getting on the right bus eventually, I just had to wait an extra hour.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I’m really frustrated with this whole not dating thing. It’s one of the big reasons I chose to come back. I’m in a bad place mentally as far as my body goes right now. I’m still grossed out by how out of shape I am and how I’ve become even flabbier than I normally am. I really don’t like that. But, lately I’ve been picking up again on these (usually subtle) social cues that I interpret as someone finding me attractive. Like the waitress whose gaze lingers just a little too long. Or the guy on the train I awkwardly make eye contact with. It’s strange. I was without any of that while I was traveling. I’m not sure if it hasn’t been there since I got back, or if I’ve simply not picked up on anything like that because I feel so unattractive and don’t want to meet anyone. I am starting to feel better about my body since I’ve been going to CF again. And although I have a long way to go, I’m definitely making progress. There have also been a few guys who have shown interest in the past couple weeks and I’ve exchanged numbers with them, but I wasn’t sure if it was just being friendly or if they’re looking for more. I’m not really interested in pursuing any more with either of them because neither are really my type, but I would like to pursue something with someone. I don’t know.

I went to the gym today with Andrew. It was one of these $10/month deals. I didn’t like it much, but it’s been a long time since I was in a gym locker room. There wasn’t much to the locker room at this gym, but I did end up showering across from this attractive young latino guy and we opened up our curtains a little to check each other out. I’m so awkward and uncomfortable during things like that, but it also got me going a little bit and made me wish I was having some kind of sexual contact with a guy. And other non sexual, intimate contact with someone which is also something I’m really craving. I would really like to fall asleep in someone’s arms or to cuddle while watching a movie. Sigh.

I’m excited to go to bed. I’m tired. I did not sleep well last night. I’m going to CF at 6 am with M. At least that’s the plan right now. It’s too damn cold for me to walk over there on my own. In fact, it might be too damn cold for me to walk over there all week. I’m still going to try to make it happen. Maybe I’ll just have to go with M every morning. I’m going to try to stay up when we get home. I think that could be some really productive time for me and I can always take a nap in the afternoon. I’ll just make some coffee which will hopefully keep me up for a while. I’ve got to start looking at this online internship stuff I signed up for. It’s been a few days now and I keep getting messages on skype from the group. People are asking all sorts of questions and I have no idea what they’re talking about because I haven’t started. I don’t want to fall behind though. With any luck it’ll lead me to an income or something else that could lead me to an income.

Gratitude List:

A great movie tonight

A few things to think about as far as men and dating are concerned

Finally making it home and out of the cold