I wish I didn’t feel so lost. It’s frustrating. I feel competent and confident that I could excel in many different scenarios work wise, it’s just that I can’t figure out where to go from here. In the short term I need a job and an income. In the long term, I have to figure out what to do for work that’s going to interest me keep me engaged. I know that other people have gone through very similar struggles and it helps to speak with them about them. I spoke with a good friend in Minneapolis who was at a very similar place a couple years ago. And although he couldn’t solve my problems, it was nice to know that he understands and to hear someone tell me that it’s all going to work out eventually and be ok. I’ll get there. I’ll find my way through this place and be the better for it when I come out on the other side. I know and believe that, it’s just hard to take comfort in that knowledge being stuck in the midst of the storm, as it were.

I felt like doing something creative today. Yesterday I didn’t. I stared at my phone for hours and hours and basically wasted the day away. Today, I decided to meditate and afterwards gave myself a Reiki treatment. I then fell asleep and didn’t get up for another 1.5 hours. I then basically wasted time all night. It was nice because M and I baked and hung out so it wasn’t a total loss, but I really wanted to create something earlier today and feel this creative energy inside me that I need to get out. I didn’t do that today which is unfortunate. Tomorrow will also mark the 3rd full week I’ve applied for no jobs. At this point there is nothing that might still work out, which is unlike last week and the week before. Now everything is dead.

I did sign up for an online internship. I really hope that it turns out to be a productive use of my time. I had to give a somewhat sizable deposit that I’ve been assured will be fully refunded when the internship is over. I trust that it will be, but that’s really only if I complete the internship. I have been told to expect that it’s going to require around 12-15 hours of work a week for the next 5 weeks. It could also lead to some income in the future. I don’t think I’d be making enough to fully support myself, but I should learn a skill I could use to make money and the place offering the internships apparently asks some of the interns to continue working with them afterwards. I hope that I get something useful out of this. Even making a few hundred dollars a month would be huge help right now. I’ve got nothing coming in right now. And, not only that, but even if I don’t make any money down the road from it, I should learn some skills that will help me if I ever decide to start doing more blogging or selling things on the internet. I figure it’s good that I’m at least trying something new. I can’t just keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result which is basically what I’ve been doing for weeks now. Blergh.

It feels nice to just get this all out before bed. I have not been doing a great job of popping in here regularly anymore. I have a feeling it’s going to go one of two ways: Either I’ll start showing up again daily or near daily, or I’ll lose this resource and stop showing up at all. I don’t want to lose KP because I feel like it’s been a great activity for me. One thing I’ve also been mulling over is starting to write one short story every day. Or, I could even write a part of a story and post it every day but have each day be a continuation of the day before. I suppose that’s how writers write actual books and novels. Hmm. I felt like writing earlier today, but of course I didn’t. I think I’d be best just setting myself up with a lofty goal and not allowing myself to over think it and psyche myself out. I could basically just give myself 15 or 30 minutes to write something and limit myself to that amount of time in the hopes that I would sit down and just bang something out without too much thought. I seem to do better when that’s the case.

Ok, time to get to bed. I’m really not tired after the super long nap I took today, but M and I are going to get up in the morning and go to CF at 6 am. It’s going to kind of suck, but I can come and sleep afterwards so it won’t be so bad. I still really want to start making it into the city more to find a job of some kind. I’d love to be working again. I just feel like I’m in such a slump with everything and working would at least provide me with some clarity or the structure to my day I feel I need to work towards something else.

Gratitude List:

An enjoyable 40 minutes spent meditating followed by nice Reiki treatment

Another week of M-F CF classes almost completed

The desire to change and the desire to create