And it’s been 10 days since I was here. It is what it is I guess.

I’ve been really close to my morning pages lately. Like I’ve enjoyed writing them, but also looking forward to it more than usual. Today and yesterday I wrote for about a page and then had to leave for CF and came home and finished it later in the day. I did some other stuff after getting home which means I didn’t actually finish until 5 pm or so. I kind of wish I was writing in that stupid notebook right now. Hmm.

I squatted at CF today to find my one rep max which it turns out is 225 pounds. I’m happy with that I guess. It’s not really that much weight, but I’ll get stronger. My knees also aren’t too perturbed right now. They do feel a little off, but it’s not necessarily pain so I’m hoping that tomorrow they feel fine. I scraped them during the wod yesterday because we had to do a ton of lunges with the bar in the front rack position so they hurt from that.

I emailed Y today. I had just drank some coffee and basically word vomited into the email for a spell. I feel bad just dumping that onto her, but I don’t think she really minds. I was really just working some stuff out in my head in the email to her. That’s ok I guess. She did email me back because I also asked if I could use her as a reference and she wanted to tell me that was ok. I think I’ll email her back again tonight and let her know it’s not all doom and gloom or anything. I have some things to be grateful for in my life and just need to work harder at staying upbeat and positive regarding everything. I can’t succumb to the negativity and despair because then it takes off and I lose control.

My life is headed somewhere. I may not be able to see that right now, but it is. At some point in the future I’m going to find myself in a really neat position happily pursuing things that I enjoy and find meaningful. It’s tough right now feeling like I’m in the thick of the uncertainty, but that’s just the way things go. I’ll get through this just like I’ve gotten through everything else and the world will be a different place when that happens.

I want, no I need, to write something more comprehensive than these little thoughts I spew onto here or my journal. It’s raging inside of me and threatening to hijack everything if I don’t sit down and come to terms with it through writing. I can feel that and these last few days it’s been painfully obvious that I most likely won’t be able to move past this point if I don’t take a close, hard look at all of things that got me here. I need a cathartic release from the past. Instead of seeking that I simply rehash on a daily basis how much it’s needed.

I have been drinking a lot of caffeine again and I’m not sure it’s the best thing for me. Actually, I know it’s not a great thing for me at all, but I’m usually tired in the morning and give in and drink some coffee. It’s found itself into my routine. Today I drank two k cups which is more than usual. I generally just stick with one in the morning. I don’t know how much effort I should put into trying to quit that. I probably could, but I’ve been using caffeine as a somewhat effective weapon against the depression that I’m trying to stave off. I’m not sure if it’s making things better or worse at this point.

Today was just like yesterday which will most likely be the same as tomorrow. I don’t like that. What happened to the joy and the magic of life? How have I managed to lose sight of that? I really hope to reclaim it soon.

Gratitude List:

Squatting heavy with no major issues with my knees

Morning pages

The need to express or the real possibility of total destruction

I went into the city yesterday to meet Andrew. We got dinner in Koreatown and then went to a design museum on the UES I’ve been wanting to check out. It was fun. Today we got up and met a couple of his friends for brunch and then we went to the gym. After, we went and saw a new spy movie that had some very attractive men in it. Despite the super freakishly cold weather, it was a good day. Oh, I also went to the wrong terminal at the bus station and waited and waited wondering why the bus hadn’t come yet before asking someone. When I got to the bus terminal I thought “I don’t need to check what terminal to go to, I’ve done this before” and went to the one I’ve used the past few times I’ve taken the bus. Well, apparently the bus I needed only picks up there if it’s after 10 pm. Oops. I did end up getting on the right bus eventually, I just had to wait an extra hour.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I’m really frustrated with this whole not dating thing. It’s one of the big reasons I chose to come back. I’m in a bad place mentally as far as my body goes right now. I’m still grossed out by how out of shape I am and how I’ve become even flabbier than I normally am. I really don’t like that. But, lately I’ve been picking up again on these (usually subtle) social cues that I interpret as someone finding me attractive. Like the waitress whose gaze lingers just a little too long. Or the guy on the train I awkwardly make eye contact with. It’s strange. I was without any of that while I was traveling. I’m not sure if it hasn’t been there since I got back, or if I’ve simply not picked up on anything like that because I feel so unattractive and don’t want to meet anyone. I am starting to feel better about my body since I’ve been going to CF again. And although I have a long way to go, I’m definitely making progress. There have also been a few guys who have shown interest in the past couple weeks and I’ve exchanged numbers with them, but I wasn’t sure if it was just being friendly or if they’re looking for more. I’m not really interested in pursuing any more with either of them because neither are really my type, but I would like to pursue something with someone. I don’t know.

I went to the gym today with Andrew. It was one of these $10/month deals. I didn’t like it much, but it’s been a long time since I was in a gym locker room. There wasn’t much to the locker room at this gym, but I did end up showering across from this attractive young latino guy and we opened up our curtains a little to check each other out. I’m so awkward and uncomfortable during things like that, but it also got me going a little bit and made me wish I was having some kind of sexual contact with a guy. And other non sexual, intimate contact with someone which is also something I’m really craving. I would really like to fall asleep in someone’s arms or to cuddle while watching a movie. Sigh.

I’m excited to go to bed. I’m tired. I did not sleep well last night. I’m going to CF at 6 am with M. At least that’s the plan right now. It’s too damn cold for me to walk over there on my own. In fact, it might be too damn cold for me to walk over there all week. I’m still going to try to make it happen. Maybe I’ll just have to go with M every morning. I’m going to try to stay up when we get home. I think that could be some really productive time for me and I can always take a nap in the afternoon. I’ll just make some coffee which will hopefully keep me up for a while. I’ve got to start looking at this online internship stuff I signed up for. It’s been a few days now and I keep getting messages on skype from the group. People are asking all sorts of questions and I have no idea what they’re talking about because I haven’t started. I don’t want to fall behind though. With any luck it’ll lead me to an income or something else that could lead me to an income.

Gratitude List:

A great movie tonight

A few things to think about as far as men and dating are concerned

Finally making it home and out of the cold

Wow, two days in a row! What an accomplishment!

It’s crazy cold out. I walked to CF this morning. Thankfully I grabbed my hat and gloves before leaving. A guy in the class with me gave me a ride home which was really nice. I really don’t mind walking over there, but since it was so cold I readily accepted a ride home.

I then did dishes and cleaned the kitchen while listening to a Reiki webcast before getting ready to leave for my Friday meeting. I really, really wanted to skip it, but I made myself go anyway. I’m glad I did, too. Not for any real reason, but I’ve been meaning to get into the city for a meeting all week and haven’t made it. I figured I can’t skip my only regular meeting of the week. I went to fellowship afterwards which was nice and then A and I went to a couple bars for a little while. I’m still not a bar person, but I did enjoy going out for a little while. It was very, very cold walking home. That I didn’t enjoy.

I don’t have anything on the agenda for tomorrow. I might try to go to a CF class in the morning. It’s at 9 am so I probably won’t actually make it, but who knows. Other than that the only thing I really want to do is something creative. I’d love to draw for a while. I could also write or start looking at the stuff for this online internship thing I signed up for.

Gratitude List:

Making it to a meeting

Making it through another week of 5 CF classes

Cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes

I wish I didn’t feel so lost. It’s frustrating. I feel competent and confident that I could excel in many different scenarios work wise, it’s just that I can’t figure out where to go from here. In the short term I need a job and an income. In the long term, I have to figure out what to do for work that’s going to interest me keep me engaged. I know that other people have gone through very similar struggles and it helps to speak with them about them. I spoke with a good friend in Minneapolis who was at a very similar place a couple years ago. And although he couldn’t solve my problems, it was nice to know that he understands and to hear someone tell me that it’s all going to work out eventually and be ok. I’ll get there. I’ll find my way through this place and be the better for it when I come out on the other side. I know and believe that, it’s just hard to take comfort in that knowledge being stuck in the midst of the storm, as it were.

I felt like doing something creative today. Yesterday I didn’t. I stared at my phone for hours and hours and basically wasted the day away. Today, I decided to meditate and afterwards gave myself a Reiki treatment. I then fell asleep and didn’t get up for another 1.5 hours. I then basically wasted time all night. It was nice because M and I baked and hung out so it wasn’t a total loss, but I really wanted to create something earlier today and feel this creative energy inside me that I need to get out. I didn’t do that today which is unfortunate. Tomorrow will also mark the 3rd full week I’ve applied for no jobs. At this point there is nothing that might still work out, which is unlike last week and the week before. Now everything is dead.

I did sign up for an online internship. I really hope that it turns out to be a productive use of my time. I had to give a somewhat sizable deposit that I’ve been assured will be fully refunded when the internship is over. I trust that it will be, but that’s really only if I complete the internship. I have been told to expect that it’s going to require around 12-15 hours of work a week for the next 5 weeks. It could also lead to some income in the future. I don’t think I’d be making enough to fully support myself, but I should learn a skill I could use to make money and the place offering the internships apparently asks some of the interns to continue working with them afterwards. I hope that I get something useful out of this. Even making a few hundred dollars a month would be huge help right now. I’ve got nothing coming in right now. And, not only that, but even if I don’t make any money down the road from it, I should learn some skills that will help me if I ever decide to start doing more blogging or selling things on the internet. I figure it’s good that I’m at least trying something new. I can’t just keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result which is basically what I’ve been doing for weeks now. Blergh.

It feels nice to just get this all out before bed. I have not been doing a great job of popping in here regularly anymore. I have a feeling it’s going to go one of two ways: Either I’ll start showing up again daily or near daily, or I’ll lose this resource and stop showing up at all. I don’t want to lose KP because I feel like it’s been a great activity for me. One thing I’ve also been mulling over is starting to write one short story every day. Or, I could even write a part of a story and post it every day but have each day be a continuation of the day before. I suppose that’s how writers write actual books and novels. Hmm. I felt like writing earlier today, but of course I didn’t. I think I’d be best just setting myself up with a lofty goal and not allowing myself to over think it and psyche myself out. I could basically just give myself 15 or 30 minutes to write something and limit myself to that amount of time in the hopes that I would sit down and just bang something out without too much thought. I seem to do better when that’s the case.

Ok, time to get to bed. I’m really not tired after the super long nap I took today, but M and I are going to get up in the morning and go to CF at 6 am. It’s going to kind of suck, but I can come and sleep afterwards so it won’t be so bad. I still really want to start making it into the city more to find a job of some kind. I’d love to be working again. I just feel like I’m in such a slump with everything and working would at least provide me with some clarity or the structure to my day I feel I need to work towards something else.

Gratitude List:

An enjoyable 40 minutes spent meditating followed by nice Reiki treatment

Another week of M-F CF classes almost completed

The desire to change and the desire to create

I haven’t done much today. I’m not feeling that bored right now, but I am ready for bed. I’ve been reading a few sites about making money online. It’s been a lot of information. I’ve also gotten some direction and found a few things that I can pursue. I’m not sure if I could make something happen, but it’s worth a try and looking into more.

Yesterday I got it in my head that maybe I should just move to Bali. Like, perhaps moving to Bali is the answer to all of my problems. I don’t think it really is and in all likelihood will not be moving to Bali, but the idea is still very appealing. Another cubicle job doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t really see that being the way out of this situation. I also feel like I’ve been banging my head against a wall since coming back to the US. I’ve gotten nowhere and it’s frustrating. I’m not even sure where I want to be.

I’m headed to bed in a minute. I took a long nap today, but I’m tired now. I don’t have anything really planned for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll draw for a while. I also plan to go to CF in the evening. I went tonight and that was good.

Gratitude List:

Being so lost it feels like clarity

Meditating in the afternoon and following up with some Reiki and an amazing nap

A sugar free day

I don’t want to stop doing this. I think it adds value to my life and it really doesn’t take more than a 10 minute daily commitment. I spend a lot more time doing other things that don’t add value to my life. So, even though I haven’t done a great job of writing updates every night, I’m going to try to get myself back into the habit of doing it on a daily basis. Done.

I didn’t do anything more than casually look for jobs today for a few minutes. I still don’t see a great resolution coming on that front. I still think that my best bet is going to be going to meetings and asking around. I know the program people will help, I just have to show up and ask for the help. I haven’t been showing up much lately. I’m going to try to make a meeting tomorrow before I go to the monthly Reiki clinic. There is a clubhouse I’ve been meaning to check out. They basically have meetings going on all throughout the day. I’d like to find a sponser and work through the steps again. It’s really not that much work to get into the city and go to a meeting. Even though it’s winter, I need to be doing a better job of it. My recovery is important to me and I’d really like to have a social network in the city. I’ll make friends if I make it a habit of showing up regularly.

I shoveled a path on the deck for the dogs today. It was a pain in the ass because last time it snowed it also rained meaning there was a lot of frozen ice I had to cheap away with a shovel. It really didn’t take me too long though and it was beautiful today. It was about 40 degrees, but felt much warmer. And the sun was out! After I shoveled the deck I found the dogs leashes and took them for a walk. Whenever we got to a section of the sidewalk that wasn’t shoveled and had ice and snow I had to pick up the dogs and carry them. They’re kind of sad little dogs, but they don’t like the cold and don’t go for walks that often. I will maybe try to get them out more often. I think they enjoyed going for the walk. I know I did.

I walked to CF tonight because M got caught up picking M(a) up in Newark. Walking over there was a bitch. The sidewalks are really icy and snowy. I almost fell once, but aside from that it went ok. The WOD was also not that terrible today and we got to benchpress. There was also a guy who’s thinking about joining our gym. He’s obviously not new to CF. He was cute. Someday I’d like one of my own. Whoa!

Ok, so M and I are going to try to make it to the 6 am class in the morning. I’m not totally sold on this idea, but it’ll be ok. It’ll be nice to get over there and be done with it. I can also come home and go right back to bed. Or write morning pages afterwards and then go back to bed. The only thing I really want to do tomorrow is make sure I get into the city for a meeting before the clinic. There is a meeting at 4 pm that I think would work well. I’ll take a closer look at train schedules to figure out what train I should be on tomorrow.

All in all it was not a bad day. I went to the diner with M and M this evening. All I got was a bowl of french onion soup which was pretty good. Yesterday I started tracking all of my calories and trying to hit my calorie and protein goals. I’m trying to eat 2350 calories and 235 grams of protein right now. It’s kind of a lot. And really I’m surprised that 2350 calories is really not that much. I mean it is, but I feel like I could have eaten way more today. Not that I feel deprived or anything, I don’t, but I do feel like it would have been easy to eat quite a bit more than that. And lately I’m sure I have been eating more than that. I’d really like to lose some weight and tone up. I think that if I stick to this pretty strict calorie and protein goals, in addition to going to CF 5 times a week, I’ll be seeing that happen very quickly. I’m already feeling better about my weight and how I look. I think my arms are starting to look like they are putting on some muscle. Yay! I’ll probably weigh myself at Andrew’s this weekend because he has a scale. It’s been two weeks since I was last there and weighed myself. Last time I had gained 2 pounds from the time before which bummed me out. I’m not sure what I’ll discover when I weigh myself this weekend. I’d like to see that I’ve lost a little bit of weight, but who knows. Ok, time to be done. I’m just spewing information now.

Gratitude List:

Making it to CF

A nice evening at the diner with M and M

Getting outside to enjoy the beautiful day today

I’m starting to wonder if it’s only me who doesn’t get it. Like everyone else I see has a job, makes money and doesn’t seem to be having a major life crisis about how pointless this all seems.

I don’t know where to go from here. I drew today which took up the bulk of my day. I think the drawing is finished, but I am not happy with how it turned out. I also cleaned the kitchen and went to CF. What I did not do, however, was look for jobs. I’m not sure how that whole situation is going to get resolved. I didn’t hear back from either of the jobs I interviewed for last week. I’d really like to get an income, even if it’s doing something terrifying – like putting myself back into a cubicle. Ugh.

Does everyone struggle this much with life? It feels like I’ve been banging my head against the wall for the past couple years, but still haven’t found any resolutions. I’m not sure I can keep this up for much longer. I feel like I’m basically done. Something needs to change. I’m just not confident in my ability to get it changed.

Gratitude List:

Drawing today – even though I don’t like it, I’m still glad I took the time to do it.

CF and another workout

Finally taking the time to start tracking what I’m eating