I haven’t felt like coming on here and writing an update. I guess that’s why it’s now been several days since I did. I just don’t like where so many things are in my life right now. I hate that I don’t have a job and don’t seem to be making much progress in that regard. I am bored and want to be busier and doing more with my time, but I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to finding a job or getting closer to figuring out what kind of job I want to pursue. I look at finance jobs because it’s the job language I know how to speak and there’s comfort in the familiar, but I’m reluctant to fully go for one because ultimately I don’t think it’s where I should end up. I know that if I start something I wouldn’t have to stay there forever. There’s just a lot right now and I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job with any of it.

I watched a lot of tv today. Most of the time it was just on in the background as wasted time online. I looked at jobs for a while, but it was really just looking. I didn’t apply to any of them. Tomorrow I’m going to start applying for actual jobs. That will be good. I can’t just keep looking and thinking “well that might work” and then moving on to the next listing. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for 5 jobs. I don’t care what kind of jobs they are – finance, a restaurant job or housekeeping, I’m going to apply for 5 of them. I need to break myself out of this rut.

I ate a lot of sugar today. I slept in late and then got up and did morning pages before going downstairs. By the time I did go downstairs I was pretty hungry and this massive cookie bar M made a few days ago was just sitting on the counter, staring at me. I ate a whole bunch of it right then and there. It felt like I’d given in and failed on my no sugar campaign. I wish I didn’t feel that way. Sure, I ate some sugar today, but I almost went about 2 weeks without any at all. That’s got to count for something. I also started thinking about how some people who work out have ‘cheat days’ where they can eat whatever they want. Maybe today was just a cheat day. And maybe it’s a good thing I had it. I mean really, one cheat day every two weeks is probably fine. I have been really good (well at least in regards to sugar). I plan to stay away from sugary things tomorrow and hopefully the next few days to come. I always worry when I have a day that I eat sugar that I’ll just be back to eating copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate for days to come. Really though, the truth is for the last few days I’ve been craving something sweet or different from what I’ve been eating and probably eating more than I need to because I’m not satisfied. I don’t know. I’m just trying not to get too down on myself for doing what feels like breaking down. I know that I need to be kind to myself. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.

I seem to have a fair amount to say – probably because I haven’t been on here in 5 days. I don’t remember the last time I went that long without writing an update. I need to reconnect to that part of me that loves to create soon. I have not been allowing my creativity to express itself and I’d really like to be. I talk about how I’m not drawing or doing anything so often these days. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finally start another drawing. It would be fun. I should also figure out putting the other ones up. I could probably hang them somewhere in this room. At least that way I’d see them from time to time.

Ok, time to go to bed. I’m going to meditate before falling asleep. I didn’t do that last night or for the last few nights, although I did meditate on Friday during the day and it was nice.

Gratitude List:

A relaxing weekend hanging around the house in NJ

An increase in activity surrounding the job search, even if it’s still not ideal

Not beating myself up for eating loads and loads of sugar today