I don’t know what I want. It’s not that I don’t want things, I just want things that appear incompatible. On the one hand, I want to settle down somewhere and have a routine. I want to get back in shape by going to the gym regularly. I want to spend time with good friends. I want to make money and I want to date. But, then there’s this other side of me that just wants to travel, to see the world and to live a different life than that more static, stationary existence.

I met my brother at the mall today so that we could buy a Christmas gift for our mother. It was nice to see him. We did find a gift and afterwards went and wandered through this store that sold random gifts. They had evil eyes from Turkey and singing bowls. I looked at them and deflated. Like, it’s over.  It’s really over. I’m not traveling anymore and I know that I don’t want to be traveling right now, but there’s still a part of me that wishes I was still on the road. I don’t want to be stuck somewhere. I don’t want to find a crappy job that I’m not going to like. I want to do exciting things and live an interesting life. I want to explore the world. I also know that I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to continue using my credit cards as my main source of cash. I want to work towards something.

As much as I want to take off and be somewhere exotic and exciting soon, I also don’t want to. It’s still hard. I’ve gained a lot by coming back to the US, but it’s come at a high price and a heavy loss as well.

Things are working out. I can be happy and I can live the life I want to live. I have a bright future.

Gratitude List:

Getting to spend some time tonight with good friends

At times feeling like I was falling back into that elusive, intoxicating undercurrent of life

Accepting what’s difficult to accept

Knowing that the difficult times will pass