I’m wheezing which I can’t say is super thrilling.  I hope it gets better.

I went to the Y and used the elliptical machine.  I spent an hour and it was good.  Afterwards, I ran for a mile which was also good.  I’d like to get back in the habit of spending longer than an hour doing cardio.  Lord knows I need to right now.  On the way home I was thinking about how great it would be to get in the habit of running for 30 minutes, using the elliptical for an hour and then running for 30 minutes again.  I used to do that a couple years ago and really liked it.

I spent some time researching NZ tonight.  It’s most likely not going to happen.  From what I learned, it’s another place that would be great to visit for a few months when I have an income that’s not depended on an employer and I can travel places.  I’d love to spend 3-6 months there.  I hope that can be a reality sometime in my life.

I got my new phone today!  I used it quite a bit today as I got everything switched over.  It’s quite a bit larger than my old phone which is going to take some getting used to, but the screen is so much larger and nicer after just one day of using it I can’t imagine going back to my old phone.

Gratitude List:

A great visit to the gym, even if I had to drag myself there

My new phone!

Getting to spend some time catching up with my grandma, aunt and uncle

The weekend retreat was worthwhile.  It wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but I’m glad I went and I definitely got some good information out of it.  I also met some really nice people.

Last night as I was laying in bed thinking about how I’d present my past and the effect it’s had on me, something strange happened.  I went in a different direction than I normally do.  I saw my recovery as less this amazing thing I did and more of an inevitable outcome of staying sober and working to enjoy my life.  I also was able to look at the struggle from a different perspective.  Instead of falling into the ‘it was so bad for so long’ line of thinking, I just reviewed it and thought ‘that’s it?’ ok, well it’s over now.  Today I’ve felt a lot more at peace with everything and like I’ve put a few things behind me.  I know longer feel like I have to do something with it.  I also don’t think it’ll have as much effect on me going forward.  I feel freer and at peace with my past.

Gratitude List:

A good weekend retreat

Making some new friends and having some nice conversations

Closure from something that’s been trailing me for a while now

I did not sleep well last night. I can’t remember how many times I woke up and then had to fall back asleep. As a result, I’m tired right now.

I made it to H just fine. I was the first person to show up for the retreat. I liked spending the day here. The two group sessions we had before the retreat started were both really good. I also greatly enjoyed the first part of the retreat tonight. Everyone is very nice and I had some good conversations with people. I’m excited for tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day with tons and tons of information, but the presenter is great and I’m sure he’ll keep it entertaining. He’s got a very dry sense of humor. All in all a good day. I was feeling apprehensive about coming this morning, but I’m happy I did.

Gratitude List:
Taking time to focus on recovery
Getting to have the wonderful opportunity this weekend presents
Making some new friends
Being in the first car free zone since I got back to the states

I’m in Minneapolis! I drove here this afternoon. It’s strange to be back. It’s good, though. I got to hang out with a few friends this evening. We went to a museum (two, actually) and then got Thai food for dinner. I’ve got so many good friends in Minneapolis. People I can get together with after not seeing for almost 2 years and pick up where we left off. The thought of moving back here has crossed my mind, but I know this isn’t the right place for me. At least not right now.

Tomorrow morning I’m off to H. I’m not feeling as excited about it as I thought I would. I’m excited, but I’m also a little apprehensive for some reason. I’m sure it’ll be wonderful and I’ll meet many wonderful people. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Time spent at art museums
Time spent with good friends
Delicious Thai food

Today was ok.  I haven’t had a long day since I slept in until 10 am, but that’s ok.  I’m probably just getting used to the cold and the dark.  Minnesota has both of those things in abundance. I’ve been taking my vitamin D so that will hopefully help.  I’m going to set an alarm for tomorrow and try to get up a little early than today.  I don’t imagine I’ll be up too much later tonight.  If I’m in bed by 11 pm there’s no reason I shouldn’t be up by 8 am.  I’ll set my alarm for 9.

I’m going to the twin cities tomorrow.  I’m really excited.  I’m going to hang out with a good friend of mine and then on Friday I’ll go to H for a weekend retreat.  I hope it’s awesome!

I went to the Y today.  I used the elliptical machine and it was way easier today than it was yesterday.  I had much more energy.  The intensity was the same as yesterday, but I completed it easier and went further.  I definitely enjoyed it.  I had hoped to go in the morning tomorrow, but I’m going to be without a car in the morning so I’ll have to bike here.  I could take the day off, too, but since I don’t plan to exercise at all this weekend that would mean 4 days off and I’d much rather only take 3.  It’s pretty remarkable how quickly my brain switches over to the other, more eating disorderly side.  I ate very little sugar today.  In fact, I don’t think I ate enough calories today.  I’ve been eating really well the last couple days.  I did eat some delicious almond bars when I got home, but the desire to eat candy and other sugary food has been greatly reduced and mentally I want to eat well and lose some weight.  It’s good that I’ve got a break this weekend where I’ll be eating differently and not exercising as much.  My body wouldn’t be able to handle this pace for much longer without a break.  I don’t think so, anyway.  Today when I finished I felt like I could have kept going.  I got off the machine and went to use the rower, but only went one 500M length before deciding I should be done.  I’d love to destroy myself on the rower one of these days.  I could do a bunch of sprints.  I could also start running on the treadmills, too.  So many options.  Hopefully I’ll be able to see, and feel, an improvement in my body pretty soon.  I don’t want to look like this forever.

Gratitude List:

A really good workout today

Getting to see an old friend tonight

Going to Minneapolis tomorrow!

Today was way better than the last few days have been.  I didn’t watch tv at all and I didn’t consume copious amounts of candy, either.  Yay!

I got up and went into town with my mom to do some errands.  I also joined the Y for the few weeks I’ll be in this area.  It was nice doing stuff with my mom.  In the evening I went and worked out.  I used one of the elliptical machines I really like. I only went for an hour and I’m not sure I could have gone longer than that.  I have no idea how I used to do marathons on those machines.  Spending 4 hours on one of them beating the crap out of myself isn’t something I could do right now.  I plan to go over there quite a bit while I’m here.  I don’t have much else to do and getting some exercise will be great for my mood.  It’s going to take quite a while to work myself out of the whole I’ve dug physically, but I’ve got to get started and make some changes.  I feel much better about everything now that I have been working out.

I’m also really glad I didn’t just sit around eating candy all day.  I did eat some of these awesome almond bars my mom made for me, but it wasn’t unmanageable.  And, aside from that, I’m pretty happy with how I ate today.  I’m getting there.

Gratitude List:

Getting to spend an hour on the elliptical machine

Yummy almond bars

Not watching any tv today and feeling much better about how the day was spent

Today was eerily similar to yesterday.  I watched tv, spent a lot of time staring at my phone and computer screen, ate a lot of candy and didn’t go outside.  It was immensely boring.  School was cancelled so my mom didn’t have to go into work.  It was nice having her around and just hanging out, but I need to start doing more during the day, which I would have done had it not snowed over a foot since last night.  There was no way I was going to get my car out of the driveway.  You couldn’t even tell we had a driveway because it was so buried under snowdrifts.

I think I’ll be able to get the car out tomorrow.  I’m really hoping so, anyway.  I’m planning to drive into Willmar and have the tires looked at (and probably replaced) on the car.  I’m also going to check out the YMCA and possibly join.  I figure going there everyday will give me something to do and get me out of the house every day.  Not to mention going there will help get me back in shape and the exercise will certainly improve my mood.

Despite not doing much of anything today, I did do one really good thing for myself:  I rode my dad’s old exercise bike in the basement for an hour.  It was great!  When I was about 26 years old I landed at my parents’ house for a few months.  At the time, my life was a total wreck.  Since I couldn’t drink or use much while here my eating disorder totally took off.  I ate next to nothing and used to ride that exercise bike every day without fail for all the months I lived here.  I’d get on it, usually in the evening, and ride as hard and fast as my skinny little anorexic legs would take me.  I always biked for at least an hour and a half, but sometimes went for 2.5 or even 3 hours.  I have no idea how I had the energy to do it considering I was eating next to nothing.  In fact, I think most days I had a pretty severe calorie deficit from what I was eating versus what I burned every day on that bike.  Anyway, it was great to ride the bike today. I really like that bike and it’s a great workout.  It’s this old stationary bike that has a large fan for the front wheel.  It’s loud and creaky.  It also has these hand things that go back and forth while your biking regardless of whether or not you’re touching them.  It’s awesome.  I really bonded with it that winter so long ago.  If I decide not to join the Y which is definitely a possibility, I’ll spend lots of time using that bike. It’ll be time well spent, too.

I might even go to a coffee shop in Willmar tomorrow while I’m there. I’ve spent two days here and could use a change of scenery.  We’ll see. There are a lot of people I should email back and tomorrow would be a good day to do it.  I can’t seem to bring myself to do it on days like today, even though I’m not doing anything else.  It’s a bit sad, but I’m just not in the mood.  Hopefully I can make some progress on that tomorrow.

So even though most of today was a waste, I did one thing that was really good for me and I’m grateful that I did.  I feel like I made progress and that I can be proud of that.

Gratitude List:

Getting some much needed, much enjoyed exercise

Being able to spend the day hanging out with my mom

Being displeased enough with the last few days to make sure I don’t keep repeating them

I didn’t do much of anything today.  I helped out with a couple things, but for the most part I stared at my computer screen, iphone screen or the tv.  It was boring.

It’s supposed to snow a ridiculous amount here.  I’m hoping tomorrow I can get out.  I’d like to join the Y and maybe make my way into Willmar.  It would be nice to do something.  I don’t want to spend all day cooped up in this house.  It was nice today because the family was around, but my brothers left and my mom and dad will be at work tomorrow.

It’s sad to see the beloved family cat not doing well.  I doubt she’ll be around much longer.  She’s 15 years old and has been a really wonderful cat to have.  We all feel very fondly of her.  She’s sitting right next to me now.  I’m glad I made it back to see her.  With any luck she’ll get better and be around for a long time to come.

Gratitude List:

A good dinner

Relaxing the day away

Getting out of the house, if only for a little while

I made it to the airport this morning after not getting much sleep. The flight was fine and went relatively quickly since I was in and out of sleep the whole time. I met my mom at the airport. She was crying when I found her at the baggage claim. I haven’t had the heart to tell her I’m planning to stay out east when I go back in a few weeks.

We got lunch with Liz, it was nice to see her. We then went shopping and to Costco. I enjoyed spending time with my mom and getting to see my brothers and dad as soon as I got home. It’s still really strange to be back. It’s also cold here.

Gratitude List:
Being back home
Getting to see my mom and the rest of the family
Sleeping in my room tonight

It’s late. I’m tired and I want to go to bed.

I hung out with M and A all night. We are definitely no longer party animals. Tonight we went to a mediocre sushi place for dinner and afterwards stopped by the grocery store (for candy, or course!). Once we got home we sat around for a while and then went up to the attic to steam clean the carpeting which I promised M I would do before leaving. It was a super fun night. Getting old is awesome!

M(e) isn’t home yet. She’s supposed to be giving me a ride to the airport in a few hours. I wish I’d gone to bed earlier, but the time got away from me and I put off packing until it was late. I offered to go pick her up from the train station, but then she texted something about missing her train and that she’d take another and we should wait to hear from her. We still haven’t heard from her. I’d like to pick her up and help out since she offered to drive me to the airport tomorrow, but I also really want to go to bed.

I met a guy I’ve known for a while in Newark today. I went to his house and we made out for a while and then we got something dinner. I enjoyed making out. I didn’t want it to go any further than that today because I’ve known him a couple years and, although we’re not good friends, I’d like to wait to fool around until I’m more comfortable with my body and being around him. He’s super sweet. I’m not sure if there’s really much potential for that to go anywhere, but I’m willing to explore things and find out.

Ok, time to wake up M(a) and tell her I’m going to bed. I’m excited to go to Minnesota tomorrow, but also sad to be leaving NJ.

M(e) just texted. I’m going to pick her up.

Gratitude List:
A super fun night with good friends
Flying to MN tomorrow
Enjoying my time on the East Coast for now