I crashed early last night. It was around 7 pm that I went upstairs and laid down. I didn’t feel tired at the time, but shortly after laying down I was totally out. I woke up this morning around 3 am and have been up ever since.

I’m going to practice Reiki this morning and then go into the city. I’m not totally sure what I’ll do, but I’m excited to go. I would love to check out a museum. I also really like the idea of walking around Central Park. It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful fall day and I imagine it’s really beautiful right now with the leaves changing color. Tonight I’m going to meet Andrew and see a show at UCB in Chelsea. That should also be pretty fun. I hope that being in the city gives me some perspective on what I want to do and what I think would be best to pursue. With any luck, I’ll start developing a more specific plan soon. I don’t want to be idle forever.

I keep brushing up against this very real, deep sense of despair. M and M got up and went to work this morning. Suburban NJ is … a lot to deal with right now. I can’t help but be here and think “Is this really all there is?” I don’t think I’ll fit into this cookie cutter box that so many seem content with. Routine, buying and accumulating, having stuff and living the life I see (or perceive) so many people around me living isn’t going to work for me. I mean really, what is the point to it all? It just seems so banal, mundane and pointless. Where is the higher good? What is the higher good? Will I ever find it? Or, will I slowly watch my soul die as I start to live the American Dream? I have no idea who’s “dream” this is, but it’s not something that’s going to work for me; it’s not mine. Ugh.

Gratitude List:
Getting to spend the day in NYC
A nice weekend
Sleeping well, if a bit strange in terms of hours