I don’t like the person I was today. I don’t like the way I felt today. I don’t like the way I treated people today. I didn’t like me today.

This has been building. It also seems to have broken. I have a clarity now I didn’t have yesterday or earlier today. For that I’m grateful.

I got to see the Taj Mahal this morning. It’s immensely beautiful in a way that pictures and words can’t describe. I spent quite a while wandering around the grounds and staring at the building. I then sat and stared at the building longer. It’s mesmerizing.

After the Taj Mahal, I tried to do some shopping for little trinket things. I wasn’t planning on it, but as soon as I walked out the gate these people were on me like hawks. I went into a couple stores and they were selling what is basically my kryptonite – little white marble boxes with stones inlaid in them. I bargained and walked away at quite a few shops this morning to find what price I could get them for. There are a lot of stores that are selling nearly the same thing, but it gets confusing because they are all of different quality. I found two that I really liked and walked away. They started at some crazy price – like 3500 rupees each. Of course I wouldn’t pay that. I bargained a little and then walked away. I heard the guy go down as far as 1500 for two of them. I should have just gone back, but I didn’t really want to spend that much on them. I was then grabbed by someone who offered me two for 1000. I bought them, although they weren’t as nice as the two for 1500 I’d been looking at. After, I came back to my hotel so that I could take a nap and shower before checking out for the day.

After checking out I decided to walk around – not a lot of fun considering it’s super hot and dusty here. I went to a restaurant near where I bought my Taj Mahal ticket. I’ve had these resentments growing inside me since I got to Jaipur a few days ago. I hate it when people take advantage of me. I absolutely hate it. As a result, I’ve been trying to be super aggressive when I bargain for things and I walk away a lot. The waiter at lunch overcharged me for the water and I called him out on it. It was only 25 rupees too much and it could have been an honest mistake. I wasn’t mean about it, but I was insistent that he change the bill. After, an autorickshaw driver accosted me and I agreed to have him take me around to some sights. I couldn’t bear the idea of just walking around all day and it was still just the early afternoon at that time. At one of the places he said I had to pay for parking which I’m ok with. He then said it was 50 rupees for parking. I knew this was too much so I told him he had to get a receipt. On the way out, I stopped and asked the person selling tickets who told me parking was only 20 rupees. I then got into an angry argument with the driver and told him I’d only pay 20 for the parking. The thing is, I was mad for most of the day. Mad at India and that everyone tries to rip me off in some way. I don’t like to be mad. I want to enjoy the day and not have to travel like this. I could pretty easily just pay the extra amounts everywhere I go. It’s really not much money at all, but it’s the principle of it.

Now, I feel like a veil has been lifted. I’m embarrassed by the way I acted. I’m also concerned that India is putting me under more stress than I’d like. I feel like it’s possible I’m cracking up. I even thought about trying to change my flight so I can leave earlier or I could also head back to Delhi and just be a bum there for a while. If I just use the subway and don’t engage many people it would probably not be a terrible place. I could go to movies all day until my flight. I could also just find somewhere nice to hang out. I don’t know. I hope that tomorrow is better and I really think that it will be. The town where I’m going is smaller so hopefully there won’t be people absolutely everywhere wanting me to purchase something or use their services. I reached a breaking point today, but tomorrow is a new day and I can try to approach it with a different attitude. Hopefully I can keep my sense of humor about me.

I’m leaving soon for the train station. My train isn’t for another hour and a half. I feel ready to sleep so hopefully I’ll manage to fall asleep easily and quickly once I get on the train. I think it gets in on to Khajuraho around 6:30 am. With any luck the guesthouse will have a room they can give me in the morning when I get there. Otherwise I’ll grab some breakfast and go out sightseeing until my room is available. I also read they offer massage and have yoga classes if you request them. I’m going to check out the prices of both and if they’re reasonable I’ll take advantage. I think a massage would be a great way to de-stress from this situation for a while. I also don’t imagine there will be that much to do in this town so maybe the day after tomorrow can be spent just sitting around, eating and reading books while I wait for my train to Varanasi. I don’t think Varanasi is going to be an easy place to be.

Gratitude List:
Coming to my senses
Trinkets! Trinkets! Trinkets!
The majestic beauty of the Taj Mahal