It’s still early, but I just want to go to bed. I’m tired. We trekked for about 4 hours today. It was beautiful, but not as beautiful as yesterday’s trek. We spent more time today walking down gravel roads that were pretty beat up. Yesterday the trek was mostly done on a mountain path that winded through the forest. I definitely still enjoyed the trek today. There were some very beautiful views along the way that I’m grateful I got to see.

We have been just hanging out at the guesthouse since we arrived this afternoon. It has rained quite a bit, but not as hard or as long as it did yesterday. I ate some food and took a nice nap when we arrived. There is also a group of Japanese tourists who are staying here as well. I really liked the hotel yesterday. This place isn’t as comfortable and the view isn’t as beautiful. It’s not bad or anything, but yesterday was so peaceful and there was a lot more space.

Tomorrow we will trek to one more town and stay the night. The next day we’ll make it back to Pokhara. I have to admit, I’m looking forward to being back in Pokhara and having the comfort of the city again. It’s beautiful and the food is much better. My apartment is also quite comfortable and I miss it. I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed and eating some delicious chicken tikka masala or butter chicken with garlic naan. Yum!

I’m also excited to figure out going to Lumbini. A part of me feels like after going to Lumbini I’ll have done most everything in Nepal I’d hoped to do: visited some cool towns, completed a meditation course, and gone trekking. That also means I’ll be free to leave without feeling like I’ve not done anything I should do. I might still decide to go on another trek, but I also might decide to take off for India and be done with Nepal. Another trek would be amazing, but I’m not sure I have the time, money or motivation to do the 10 day trek I have in mind. My plan is to wait it out and not make any decisions yet. I’ll see how I feel about it after this one is done. I think once I’ve visited Lumbini I’ll know if it’s time for me to go or stick around long enough to do one more trek. I have a feeling I’ll be ready to leave by then. I’m not feeling overly homesick right now, but I am still really looking forward to making it home. I feel much more confident and better about figuring out my next steps and what I want to do with my life. Something pretty awesome will present itself and then I’ll do that. I have many different options and tons of different things I can explore. Yay for that!

It’s 8 pm right now and I really want to go to bed. I think I’ll read for just a little while and then meditate before going to bed. I meditated this morning for 40 minutes which was pretty awesome. I’m really glad to be enjoying it again and to be able to sit for a full 40 minutes. For too long after the course I couldn’t bring myself to sit for more than 20 minutes.

Gratitude List:
Another beautiful day trekking
A good, long night’s sleep ahead of me
One phase of my life ending and a whole new one on the horizon

I don’t think I’ll be able to get this to update, but I figure what the hell. I’ll give it a try anyway.

We left the home stay this morning and walked for about 3 hours. Despite still not seeing the major mountain range, the views are still amazing. I really enjoyed the trek today.

We made it to Dhampus around 1 pm. I sat, ordered some tea and listened to a great On Being podcast. It was about yoga, but it was really about so much more than that. I really want to investigate yoga more. I think it could be good for me to do a week (or several) practicing yoga in India before heading back to the states. I also feel like going on another trek before leaving Nepal. I could do a shorter one – like 4 days, or a longer one. I really like this trek and it would be amazing to do like a 10 day trek. I’ll see how it feel about it when this is done. I would also need to think about whether I can afford to pay Sushil for being my guide on a longer trek. It would definitely save on the cost if I tried to do it alone, but I like him and it’s nice to trek with him. I imagine that the other treks will have many more tourists on them so it should be easier for me to meet people. That way I would be trekking alone, either.

If I do another one I’m probably going to bring my computer as well as pens and drawing paper. Each day we trek in the morning while the rest of the day is spent just hanging out. It’s been nice because it’s really relaxed, but I wish I could be drawing. Today I listened to the podcast while staring at the beautiful view. I then meditated and practiced Reiki. Afterwards, I read a book and drank tea. Then I watched 1.5 movies on tv.

I’m tired now and looking forward to bed. I didn’t sleep super well last night because I kept on waking up and then being awake for a while before I could fall back asleep. Tomorrow we are going to get up early to watch the sunrise. I really hope it’s clear and that I can finally glimpse the big mountain range that has been hiding behind clouds since I got to Pokhara.

Gratitude List:
A beautiful day trekking
Getting to relax and watch a movie
Another wonderful podcast with KT

I’m at the home stay place now. It’s around 8:30 pm at night. I ate dinner not long ago. It was the most delicious dal baht I’ve had in Nepal. I’m not actually a huge fan of dal baht, but this was really good.

We took a couple of buses and then a jeep to the spot we began trekking from this morning. Riding on the roof of a jeep on bumpy mountain roads sounds fun in theory. In practice: not so much. I survived, but hope not to do that again on the way back.

We didn’t really trek for very long today. It didn’t take us more than 2 hours with a couple longer stops to get to the home stay. Once we got here it started raining. We drank fresh tea that’s grown here on the mountain. I don’t normally drink green tea, but could turn this down. It was quite good.

During the rain, I meditated for 40 minutes. It was really wonderful. I’ve found it hard to sit for longer than 10 minutes for the past couple of weeks so to sit for that long was wonderful. The world seemed to drop away. I was still very aware that I was meditating, but my awareness that I was in a little room on a mountain decreased substantially as I focused on my breath. After meditating, I gave myself a nice, long Reiki treatment and then slept for a little while. All in all it was a great way to spend the afternoon while it was raining.

We are getting up in the morning and trekking to another small town. Tomorrow we’ll stay in a hotel or guesthouse. It should be nice. I like the quiet, removed atmosphere in this village. It feels like I’m a world away from a city. This village is like from another time. There are paths that go through the town, but no shops of any kind I saw while we were making our way to the home stay.

I like it here and I feel much better than I have these last few days. To be honest, the two weeks I’ve spent in Pokhara have been quite difficult. I’m basically living my dream right now – I’m not working, I can sleep in everyday, I have absolutely no responsibility, the food is delicious and the views are stunning – yet, for some reason, I’ve really struggled to be happy.

I know I need to start thinking more about what I’m going to do in the coming weeks. I am planning to travel to India, but whether that ends up being a short trip is yet to be decided. I heard back from Susie, a girl I met in Kathmandu who’s now in India. Her report on the couple of days she spent in Varanasi was quite interesting. She said she met a holy woman/witch who taught her a lot. My friend in Istanbul also suggested Varanasi as a must visit place, so at this point I’m thinking maybe I’ll fly to Delhi, travel to see the Taj Mahal and then go to Varanasi. That wouldn’t really take too long, especially if I cut my time in Delhi short. I wouldn’t need more than a day to see the Taj Mahal and a couple days in Varanasi would probably be enough. I was looking at weekend workshops at Hz and there is one in October I’d love to make it to, but there’s another one in November. I don’t think I’ll try for either one, but rather see how it all falls into place. Now that I’m feeling better it could also be a great experience to stay in an ashram for 2-3 weeks and practice yoga. I really want to investigate yoga and the positive influence it could have one life.

Gratitude List:
A great experience doing the home stay
A full 40 minutes meditating
Some much needed time to relax, reflect and think

I’m going trekking tomorrow!  I’m excited to go and hope that it’s a great experience.  We are going to do a homestay tomorrow night and then after that I’m not really sure what the plan is.  I think we’re going to be gone for 4 days and 3 nights, but I’m also not totally sure about that, either.

We went around Pokhara today and did a lot of sightseeing.  It was pretty cool.  We rented a bike in the morning that we took all around town.  My knees are sunburned from being exposed in the sun on the bike for most of the day.  The rest of my body, at least the parts I put sunscreen on, fared much better.  I’m going to have to be more careful about that in the future.

I still think it would be great to make it to Goa for the convention at the end of September.  I doubt it’ll actually happen, but if it did it would be cool.  My gut still says that I’d be best off flying to Delhi, staying for a couple days and making a trip to the Taj Mahal and then getting the hell out of India. I’d love to spend more time exploring the place, but I’m ready to go home and see what’s next.  Who knows.  We’ll see.  At times I feel more up for exploring more.  It’ll work out.

I had a pretty frank conversation with my mother a few minutes ago.  She asked me if I’m feeling depressed.  i can’t lie, I’ve definitely been feeling depressed.  I’ve been using sugar and caffeine to prop me up, but I have a suspicion it’s just making things worse. I’m looking forward to going home and will, in all likelihood, do that sooner rather than later.  I am going to try to enjoy the rest of this trip and make the most out of India. 

I’m not super depressed or anything, but I don’t have a lot of energy and I totally don’t feel like being around people.  I also don’t really feel like doing much of anything.  I am going to try to make the most of it and enjoy India. In all likelihood I won’t stay too long.  

I hired a program person to be my guide for a few days this coming week.  We are going to bum around Pokhara tomorrow and he’s going to take me around to see the sights.  On Monday we are going to leave and go trekking for a few days. I figure I’d might as well do all the things I want to do before leaving Nepal now, rather than waiting until my the month I’ve paid for this apartment is up.  Trekking should be awesome and it’ll be nice to have someone else there.  I really don’t think I’d make trekking happen right now if I was trying to figure it out on my own.  I certainly don’t want to leave Nepal without doing some trekking, though.  This will be a nice compromise.  He also suggested doing a few homestays which I think will be a good experience.  I’m excited to do something different and get out of this apartment for a few days.  It should be a great!

Other than that, today was another variation of the basically the same day I’ve been living.  I talked to Venus for a while which was actually pretty nice.  I ran out of credit on my phone, though, which is a bit annoying.  Oh well.  I can buy some more tomorrow.  

Today was neither good nor bad.  I can’t say I really enjoyed it, but I didn’t feel like I was at my wit’s end, either.  I suppose it’s kind of a sad, in a way, when not being at the point where I feel ready to breakdown is a positive thing.  I’m certainly not living the fullest of lives right now.  Nor am I greatly enjoying the life I am living.  Blergh.

I spent a long time today on this website that pays you to post comments on blogs and forums.  It’s basically a scam.  After 4 hours of time spent doing this I still hadn’t accumulated enough points to cash out for $4.  I will admit, a good part of my time was spent doing things like familiarizing myself with the sites, signing up for an new email address and other things that would be quicker if I tried doing it tomorrow.  It think what I’ll do tomorrow is see how many posts I can create in an hour.  If it’s still abysmally low I’ll bail on the site altogether.  I suppose it was good that I’m finally trying to make money online, but this site is definitely not the best of places to try to do that.  I think even making $5/hour would be quite difficult on this site.  And really, it’s just mind numbing work staring at a computer.

Tomorrow I’m going to spend some time drawing.  Perhaps quite a bit of time drawing.  I don’t want to start at my computer and I feel like I’ll get a better return on my investment of time if I spend it drawing versus trying to figure out some scam website that’s never going to result in my making much money.  At least the drawing I could try to sell at some point.  

It’s hot and humid here.  The temperature doesn’t seem to have dropped much since the sun went down.  I feel gross and sweaty, but I’m tired so hopefully will be asleep soon.  That would be really great.

I’m ready to go home.  I’m actually not even sure I want to go to India.  I could try to fly directly to Minneapolis or NYC from Kathmandu and not even get the Indian visa processed.  I’ll think about it.  I mean I’m here and was hoping to go, but these last few days I’ve just felt over it and like I’d rather just go home and be done with this.  I suppose I could just fly to India and then decide whether I wanted to stay.  I could even just go to the Taj Mahal or something like that and then take off quickly.  We’ll see.  I don’t need to make any decisions right now.

Gratitude List:

Finally being able to go to bed

Enjoying a relaxing evening watching a funny DVD on my laptop

Trying to surrender…. Trying

I spent a good chunk of time tonight trying to get going on a posting website that pays to post comments on blogs and forums.  It took me quite a while to complete the example posts.  I also wrote way more than I’d be willing to write if I’m only getting 8 cents for each post.  Tomorrow I am going to sign up for some of the websites and forums and start posting to see how many points I can even get.  I think it’s basically a scam, but I haven’t done anything or tried anything to make money since I got here and this was the easiest route to doing that I could find.  I imagine after tomorrow I’ll decide it’s a scam and never go back to the site.  I’m not going to work for $2/hour.  I think I’m much better than that.  Hopefully this will provide me with some motivation to start getting more serious about this.  If I can figure out an income I could stay here a while.  I think I’ll still choose to leave in two weeks, but really this would be a nice place to try to figure it out.

I got together with a Nepali guy today that I met from facebook.  He was nice and we went to a museum about the mountains.  We then came back to my apartment and talked for a while before messing around. It wasn’t quite what I wanted and, to be quite honest, I’m not that interested in seeing him again.  

I just read about Joan Rivers.  How sad.  It really makes me reflect on my own life.  I don’t want to spin my wheels forever.  I really don’t think I’d like to be famous or anything, but I want to at least be good at something and feel like I’ve contributed.  Joan Rivers accomplished both of those things.  I can’t help but reflect on her death with that in mind.  I feel like it’s time I start working towards something more.  I know I can get there even if the path is unclear at this time.  I’d love to spend the rest of my life creating – art or stories.  Either would be amazing.  I need to get started on making that a reality.

I have an amazing life in front of me.  It could go off in a multitude of different directions.  I’m talented in so many amazing ways and even more talents will come to light once I start exploring them.  I just have to be patient and trust that everything is working out for the best.  

Gratitude List:

Spending time pursuing something I’ve wanted to pursue for a while – even if my efforts prove to be mostly fruitless

Doing something more today than usual

Making a new friend

I slept in pretty late this morning.  I woke up around 10 am. It’s really not that late, but considering I went to bed around midnight it was a lot of sleep.

I’ll have to get up earlier tomorrow because I’m planning on meeting a guy.  I am wishing I’d not decided to meet him now.  Who knows though, it could be cool.  I’m basically done with trying to use facebook to meet any guys.  It’s just a hassle and most of them, from what I can gather, are just looking for sex anyway.  Not that I don’t like sex, but it’s not really what I’m hoping to find.  Many of these guys also seem very, very closeted.  I’m not so into super closeted.

I forced myself to go to a yoga class this evening.  I really enjoyed it and I’m glad that I decided to go.  I think I’ll try to make it more in the future.  I’d really like to start making it to the morning class at this other yoga place, but I’ve grown so hostile to mornings I’m not sure that’s going to ever happen.

I can’t believe it’s been almost two weeks since I got back to Pokhara.  The time is definitely going by quickly – even if every day is basically a slight different variation of the previous day.  The only things that really change are where I decide to eat lunch and dinner.

I got a really nice email back from this Indian girl I met in Bangkok.  It was filled with lots of great information about visiting India and some very nice offers to help me out once I get there.  I need to email her back and I should also take her up on the off to help.

I think India will be a pretty quick trip.  I’m just not in the mood for being there for too long.  Maybe a few weeks.  I could easily stay longer, but I have no money and I need to figure out what I’m going to do about things (my life!).  I’m also ready to go back to the US.  I don’t know if I’ll choose to stick around the East Coast, go to Chicago or Minneapolis, but that’ll become more clear.  I think once I get back and have a fresh perspective on everything it’ll be really helpful.  I briefly looked at jobs in Chicago on Craigslist a little bit ago.  That wasn’t a super positive experience…. Nothing looked good and the reality of the situation I’ll be returning home to has started to feel oppressive.  I do want to take some writing classes and try to work towards supporting myself in a way I enjoy and find meaningful, but I still feel like I’m so far away from that.  I know it’ll work out somehow.  It always does, anyway.

I did spend a little time on a website that I could probably use to earn some money.  The problem is, I’d most likely be earning about $5-7/hour which is a very optimistic hope I think.  In all likelihood I would be earning less than that.  Possibly much less and the amount of time it’ll take to get up and running is basically not reimbursed at all.  I figure I need to start somewhere, though.  

Gratitude List:

Spending some time looking at online revenue streams

Finally making it to a yoga class

A helpful email filled with some good information

I had a much, much better day today.  I still had a slow morning, but was out of the house by noon.  I even went to a new restaurant that I enjoyed very much.  I had a chicken breast and vegetables, along with some chicken momos.  It was very reasonably priced which I liked.  The food was definitely better than the standard fare I find around this area.  It was presented in a nicer way, too.  I’ll definitely be going back there – who knows, maybe even for lunch tomorrow.  The view was gorgeous and I enjoyed being able to sit and enjoy it this afternoon.  

After lunch I really felt like drawing, but came home and napped instead.  I was stuffed after lunch and needed to lay down for a bit.  I got a call from the NA guy I met last night and made plans to get picked up for a meeting.  I went to the intersection not far from my apartment and waited for a minute.  When the guy showed up I hopped on the back of his bike and off we went.  Today was a sunny, warm day and it felt really nice to be buzzing through the city on the back of his bike feeling the wind and the sun on my body.  The meeting wasn’t really to far away, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it there on my own.

I enjoyed the meeting.  There were maybe 45 Nepali guys there, all of whom were very friendly.  We sat around and talked for a little while when the meeting was over and then hopped back on the bikes to go to a place for tea.  I ordered a butterscotch lassi which was really, really good.  So much for avoiding sugar…  I don’t regret that lassi at all, though.  Yum.  I’ll definitely have another when I go back.  There is another meeting tomorrow night that’s much closer to where I live.  I’m looking forward to going.  Even though the meetings are mostly in Nepali, many of the guys speak English so afterwards I can chat with them.  It was also just really nice to hang out with a group of people tonight.  A little daunting at first, but most of them were really friendly and I had some nice conversations getting to know them. I always take a while to open up to people and feel comfortable in large groups I’m not familiar with, but it shouldn’t take too long and I’m sure it’ll be like we’re all old friends.  

Things I didn’t do today:  Make any (real) progress on figuring out an income or draw.  I would have liked to have done some of both of them.  Oh, and make it to a yoga class to get some exercise.  I should be in bed soon (it’s 11 pm now) so the early morning yoga class could be a possibility.  I’ve now set my alarm 3 days in a row and decided in the morning to forego the class.  Tomorrow might be the lucky day!  I was going to hit up the evening class across the street from me today, but the timing ended up conflicting with the meeting tonight.  I could make it there tomorrow and still make it to the meeting in the evening.  I guess as a worst case scenario that’s what I’ll do tomorrow.  I would really like to make it to one of these yoga classes.

I did look briefly at a couple websites about making money writing online. I found a couple things I’d like to explore a little more.  I think tomorrow I’ll bring my laptop to lunch and see if I can use the internet to do some research while my food is being prepared.  It always takes a while for that.  And really, I don’t think I’ll end up making much money online, but having some money coming in right now (even a small amount) would be really helpful.  Especially if it was money I could continue making while making my transition into whatever is next.

Today was a day well spent.  I can’t say I was overly productive, but I enjoyed the day and felt like my time was well spent.

Gratitude List:

Finally making it to a meeting in Pokhara

Meeting a really great, friendly group of guys

A tasty, healthy lunch

I had a really difficult day. In fact, at certain points I felt like it was a definite possibility I was cracking up.  That’s never a fun feeling.  I’m not really sure what to do.  I think that it might be a good idea for me to get the fuck out of Nepal, go to India for a brief period and then get home.  I’m not really sure why I feel like this.  I mean I’m basically living the dream – my dream, but for some reason I’m just not very happy with it.  Really though, at face value I should love this place:  I have no responsibility, I can sleep in everyday and nap whenever the hell I want to, the views are beautiful and the food is so very, very tasty.  Why I feel not only discontented, but like I might not be able to spend even a few more days here is beyond me.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  

I went to lunch today at a restaurant that has cheap butter chicken.  I’ve eaten there a fair amount.  Jackson was there and I had a brief conversation with him.  I have a feeling he could feel the despair coming from me during our brief conversation.  And basically, that’s what I was feeling at that moment.  I don’t know why!  It’s terrible, though.  I don’t have much more of this in me.

I think that part of the problem is that I’m waiting too long to eat in the morning.  This morning I got up around 9 am and didn’t eat much until I decided to leave for lunch around 1 pm.  By that time I’d gone a long period without eating.  I’ve started to notice more how much it affects my mood when I do that.  I need to make sure to eat something earlier in the morning.  Or at least get out of the house earlier.  I think another possible problem is the amount of sugar I’ve been guzzling everyday (not to mention the caffeine it usually comes with).  I think that tomorrow I’m going to work harder at avoiding caffeine.  I’ve developed more than a slight addiction to the masala and milk teas – both of which have caffeine in them.  In addition to the caffeine, I always add a lot of sugar whenever I drink them.  It’s really quite bad and I’ve let it get out of control.  I think that if I avoid the sugar and caffeine for a few days (if I’m able to) I’ll feel much, much better about everything.  It’s worth a try anyway.  It’s definitely worth a try.

I called an NA guy in KTM today. He got me in touch with an NA guy here who called me this evening and then drove over here on his bike.  We got tea and talked for a while which was nice.  I will hopefully get to a meeting tomorrow.  I appreciate him coming over here.  I also feel like I’m working a terrible program because, let’s face it, I’m working a terrible program.  I’ve been making half-hearted attempts to work the steps for like two years now.  I’ve never really worked with a sponsor very consistently and it’s been a very, very long time since I worked through the steps.  Now I’m here in Nepal and the NA guys are all really nice, but I don’t think a lot of them have worked the steps.  I think part of the problem is many of them just aren’t as familiar with the program as they are other places.  I wish I was a better AA/NA person so that I could try to help in some way.  Oh well.  They’re probably better off than I realize.  It just makes me feel like such a fraud.  I’ve been going to meetings for 6 years and have never sponsored someone.  I take and take and take, but never seem to work very hard at giving back.  What an asshole move on my part.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day.  I’ll make sure to eat more in the morning and get out for lunch before the day is gone.  I’m also hoping to spend some time drawing.  I’ve certainly got the free time to do it.  That’s for sure.