We didn’t trek for as long today. We left after breakfast around 8 am. It was very beautiful. I enjoyed the views very much. We finally made it to Dovan in the afternoon – I think around 2:00 pm. Once here I took a very satisfying Reiki nap and then ate some lunch.

There is a really friendly German couple staying here. I talked to them for a while tonight. It was nice. I’ve been in a pretty big reclusive mindset these last few weeks and haven’t really met anyone. Talking with them for a bit was very enjoyable. I should try to be friendlier to people. Last night there was a large group of people I didn’t even try to meet or speak to.

Tomorrow we are going to hike up the rest of the way the base camp. The plan is to leave around 7 am and the hike is supposed to take us around 7 hours. I’m looking forward to it. It’s cold, here, now. I have a blanket which will keep me warm while I sleep, but I’m worried that tomorrow once we stop hiking I’m going to end up freezing because I didn’t bring with warmer clothes. This fleece thing I have is quite warm, but I really doubt it’s going to be warm enough tomorrow evening when the temperature starts to drop. Oh well. I’ll make do and it’s only for one night. The next day we’ll be making our way back down and things will be fine after that.

Ok, it’s 8:30 now. I’m planning to sit and meditate for a few minutes and then go to bed. I’m excited to go to bed. Yay!

Trekking…. Wow.  We left Pokhara this morning at 7 am.  We took an hour long taxi ride and started the actual trekking at 8 am.  The Annapurna Range was in clear view this morning.  I haven’t actually been able to see it like that since getting to Nepal. It is beautiful, so beautiful. There weren’t really any clouds around the mountain range so I could see most of it.  Prior to that, I’d really only been able to catch glimpses.  It was an amazing way to start the trek and the morning.

We trekked for hours today.  I enjoyed it, but there were definitely times I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue on (or that I would be able to!). We went up and down, stopped for both breakfast and lunch, walked over scary bridges and stared at the gorgeous mountain scenes on full display.  We stopped at a little place and drank some tea before the final hour.  Before we stopped there I felt like I was basically done.  The sugar in the milk tea and the caffeine helped propel me forward through that final hour.  The final hour of the trek was basically climbing up what seemed like a never ending set of stairs.  It zigzagged up the side of the mountain so I never had a great idea how much longer it was going to be.  I kept hoping that next section would be the end, but it just kept going.  At that point both Sushil and I had slowed down considerably.

We finally made it to the town and got everything figured out at the hotel around 5:45 pm – just as it was getting dark.  There was something really great about actually making it.  We trekked for so long today and I was so exhausted.  My backpack is ridiculously heavy and not very comfortable to begin with.  I have no idea how I managed to pull that off.  Every time we stopped and I took it off I was so happy, but then as soon as I put it back on I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it.  I have no idea why I brought so much stuff.  I spent most of the day thinking about everything I’d put in this bag and whether or not I really needed it.  I didn’t actually come up with very much stuff I feel I shouldn’t have brought.  The jeans are heavy and I wish I had left them at home, but Sushil specifically told me to bring jeans because it’s cold on the mountain and he felt I’d want something heavier than the thin pants I brought last time.  I suppose I could have left my laptop – it was definitely an indulgence, but one I felt was worthwhile.  Had I not brought it I wouldn’t be writing this right now, either.   I do have a shitload of cookies I’m going to have to get much, much more aggressive about eating.  They’re really not that heavy, but they do weigh down my backpack some.  I also brought a notebook of drawing paper thinking I might want to draw at some point.  In retrospect, I could have gotten away with only bringing a couple of pages.  I’m planning to tear a few out and put them in my morning pages notebook tomorrow and then leave the rest of it here.  It won’t make a big difference as far as the heaviness of my backpack, but it’ll help at least a little and for that I’m grateful.  The other problem with the backpack is that it simply isn’t very comfortable.  I mean the weight is one thing, but the straps are not as wide as they are on the nicer backpacks.  My shoulders hurt quite a bit right now from carrying that stupid heavy backpack all day.

The room here is kind of shitty.  Sushil ended up in a much nicer room and the couple of times I’ve walked down there I’ve peeked my head in and found myself jealous of his room.  It’s larger and in the main section.  My room is like it was an afterthought.  It’s super small with these two single beds and the walls are wood and don’t look well constructed.   I went to use the bathroom earlier and saw what looked like massive, massive mosquitos.  I definitely don’t want them in my room, but I have no faith these walls will be able to keep them out.  I turned out the light in the room so the only light right now is from my laptop.  I hope to God that isn’t enough to attract them.

Speaking of God, I was thinking about him today and a conversation I’d like to have with my Grandma.  I really want to investigate this further.  In fact, I don’t think I’ll be able to not investigate this God thing further.  It’s captured my interest and I want to find out more about it.  The thing is, I don’t really think that Christianity is going to get me there.  I’m most interested in searching for him through the mystical traditions.  It’s also very difficult for me to turn a blind eye to all the hypocrisy in Christianity.  I’m sure it exists in other religions as well, but for some reason I have a harder time accepting it in Christianity.  We’ll see where that takes me.

The other thing I was thinking about today, and what I’m really grateful for, is changing how I perceive this move back to the states.  I mean sure, I can be afraid that I won’t find a job, or all I’ll be able to figure out is one that is terrible that I hate.  The other way to look at it is that I have this opportunity, and a really exciting one.  I get to reinvent myself.  I get to pursue things that matter to me.  I hope I can maintain a positive attitude about it all.  I have such a hard time doing that.  I’m going to pray and ask this God figure for some help in that regard.  We’ll see if it makes any difference.  I think it will.

Ok, it’s time to meditate and get to bed.  It’s only 8:45 right now, but I’m so tired and just want to lay down.  My back hurts, but I’m hoping to sit for 40 minutes before sleeping.  While waking up this morning I had another one of those instances where my mind flips into this movie mode and all of a sudden I’m watching something before my eyes without any idea where it’s originating.  I like it when that happens.  It also lasted much longer than normal.  I enjoyed it, but I don’t remember it for shit now.  Oh well.  Maybe it’ll happen again tomorrow.  I sure hope so.

We have another long day of trekking tomorrow. Sushil said to expect around 6 hours.  I think it’s going to be mostly stairs.  I am looking forward to it!

Gratitude List:

A super long, difficult day that ended in reaching our final goal

Some time spent reframing my move back to the US in a more positive light

Being able to spend some time writing

I’m going trekking tomorrow.  We are going to trek to the Annapurna Base Camp.  It will most likely take us 6-7 days to do.  I’m really excited.  I just don’t want to sit around and not do anything anymore.  I want to be busy.  I feel like I have a lot hanging over my head right now in terms of figuring what my next steps will be that when I’m not busy I feel like I’m just wasting time.

I’ve spent the last few days downloading podcasts.  They take forever to download and I know the internet will probably be pretty nonexistent on the trek so I wanted to download as many as possible before going.  I’m starting to feel like a hoarder.

After trekking I’ll have a couple days of sitting around Pokhara before heading back to Kathmandu to finish up the Indian visa stuff.  I’m really excited about moving on.  I packed up everything tonight and moved my large suitcase to the guesthouse I stayed in when I first got here.  I’ve only been here a month, but this place has started to feel like home. It wasn’t a lot of fun to be packing things up again.  I hate having to do that, especially considering the amount of stuff I have.  Blergh.  My suitcase is super full and that’s not super fun.  I plan to dump a few of the things before leaving Pokhara which will help, but it’s still going to be super heavy.  I’m sick of dragging this stuff all around.  Oh well.  I’ll be flying to Delhi and leaving the suitcase there while I travel around with just a backpack.  That won’t be too bad.  And after that it’ll just be another flight back to the US so I really won’t have to lug it around for too much longer.

It’s hot here.  It’s been hot and humid all day.  It sounds like it’s finally starting to rain outside which is great because I really, really don’t want to try to sleep with it this hot and humid.  The rain should at least help cool it down and make the air a little less humid.

It’s strange to think this is my last night sleeping in this apartment.  I walked around the lake for a while today.  It was nice.  It sure is beautiful here.  I’m going to miss it, despite not being super happy while I was here.  Funny how that works.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday and the woman was describing her experience in activism and coming to the conclusion that it was “the camp she belonged to” or something like that.  I keep thinking about that in regards to my own life.  I’ve spent the last year and a half pretty intensely trying to develop a relationship with a higher power and understanding spirituality at a deeper level.  Right now I’ve got about 14 podcasts on the subject on my phone.  I think it’s pretty clear what camp I belong to.  It’s good information to have, but I still don’t know quite where it will lead me.  I’d really like someone to come in and remove much of the uncertainty of my current and future life, but I realize that’s not going to happen.  And honestly, if it did I probably wouldn’t like it much.  It’s kind of cool I guess to not know where life is going to take me.  Scary, yes, but pretty awesome, too. There are tons of scenarios that could play out.  I’m excited to see which one finally does.  I’m still hopeful that it’s going to be an awesome ride!

Gratitude List:

Moving on from Pokhara, even if it’s happening pretty slowly

Becoming one step closer to home

A super beautiful week of trekking ahead of me

I have a super exciting opportunity ahead of me.  My life is going to massively change again, soon.  I’ll be back in the US in not too long.  I’m really excited for some things – being able to join a gym and work out regularly, being able to date again, seeing my family and friends, as well as the ability to pursue a new course. I’m not excited about other aspects of being back – mainly the job/work situation.  I don’t know what I’ll do to support myself. I’m open to doing a lot of different things. My main concern is that I’ll become overwhelmed with the job search and lose hope.  Or, feeling overwhelmed with the job search and having lost hope, take a job that I know won’t be right for me so that I have an income again.  This past year has been really difficult and when I’ve found myself working a job my heart isn’t into it’s been excruciatingly difficult to continue showing up and working.  I just don’t have that tolerance anymore.  I hope to remain positive and make something happen relatively quickly.  Finding something that I like to do that pays me decently enough would be remarkably wonderful.  I have a lot of skills and positive traits.  I’m also funny as shit, fun to be around, people like me and as a result generally want to help me if they can.  I need to remember that.  People like me and want to help me when they can.  Accept help. Done.

I didn’t really enjoy today.  I felt perturbed all day and my mood was noticeably off.  I went to a yoga class thinking that would help things, but it really didn’t.  I even found the guy running the class to be annoying as shit and didn’t want to spend much time around him at all.  He was one of those know it all types.  The only joy I got out of that class was seeing the flash of anger when I asked him, in front of the other woman who attended class, about getting the 5th class free after paying for 4.  I don’t have much intention of going back there so it won’t actually apply to me, but I think she’ll be getting a free class tomorrow.  Fucker.

I think I’ll leave for a trek with Sushil sooner rather than later.  Perhaps on Friday.  That means I’d have to pack everything and get it out of this apartment tomorrow.  I’m ok with that.  I don’t have much else I have to do tomorrow.  I’m going to ask Marla if I can store a bag at her place and then I can stay there when I get back from the trek.  I’ll probably just be there for two days.  I also plan to book the bus tickets back to Kathmandu tomorrow.  I’d really like to get better seats and I’m hoping if I book the tickets far enough in advance that she can make that happen.  My tentative plan is to go trekking, come back to Pokhara and then a week from Sunday leave for Kathmandu.  I can get the Indian visa processed and then book a flight to India.  I don’t really want to book one until after I have the visa.  I’d rather wait until the last minute rather than booking a flight and being nervous that I won’t be able to make it.  I’m also thinking I’ll skip the Buddhism course in Kathmandu and just be on my way.  At this point it just feels like that would be prolonging the inevitable and I’m not sure I’d really enjoy it.  I’m ready to get home and tarrying any longer doesn’t appeal to me.  It’s not like I won’t be able to travel again.  And who knows, maybe I’ll find some great job that involves traveling a fair amount and I’ll get to see the world on someone else’s dime.  That would be amazing!

Gratitude List:

The desire to stay positive and not let my negative emotions run amok

Finally moving on from Pokhara and this apartment

Being able to look forward to another few days of trekking!

The bus ride back to Pokhara was much less than enjoyable.  The A/C didn’t work and the guy refused to let me sit in one of the front seats.  I ended up sitting in the very back row in the middle seat so as to have enough room to stretch my legs.

The bus ride took over 8 hours.  It’s beautiful going through the mountains, but it was constant turning and by the end of it I had a headache and didn’t feel very good.  I came right home, ate a bunch of chocolate and some cheesecake I bought from the cheese lady, and took a nap.  The nap was wonderful.

Afterwards, I went to this cafe I really like.  I sat down, got a menu and then debated what to order.  I really wanted some chicken chilly since I discovered how good it is while in Lumbini.  It’s basically an appetizer, but it cost about the same as the meal I usually get.  I sat there thinking about how I should just be a fatty and order the chicken chilly and chicken tikka masala (which I adore) when an attractive man walked in.  Someday I would like to have one of my own, and in order to do that I’m going to need to lose some weight.  Not because no one could love me while I’m this fat, but rather because it would be nearly impossible for me to allow someone to love me while I’m this fat.  I feel gross and repulsive nearly all the time.  Seldom is there a reprieve from that feeling.

I decided to order just the chicken chilly and some tea.  I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t quite as tasty as it was at the guesthouse in Lumbini.  Tomorrow I’ll satiate my fix for chicken tikka masala.

I talked to the tall, young attractive man for a little while.  He’s German.  I want one.  Preferably sooner rather than later.

Tomorrow I will do at least one thing that will support my becoming more comfortable with my body.

Gratitude List:

The motivation needed to make the changes required to be at a place (mentally and physically) where dating is an option

Future Nepal plans falling into place

Relaxing back in Pokhara

I really enjoyed biking around Lumbini today.  The place, as a whole, is pretty fascinating.  There were clearly grand plans at one point that fell a little short.

I rented a bike this morning and started to bike to the temples I didn’t get to visit yesterday.  There are some really impressive, beautiful temples.  There are also some that either aren’t as impressive and beautiful, or are still in the process of being completed.  Some of them look like they’ve been under construction for a very long time and that they’ll stay under construction (perhaps forever).

It was very hot today – like above 90 degress F.  It rained in the morning, but the afternoon sun was scorching.  I wore a hat, applied lots of sunscreen and drank plenty of water, but I’m still exhausted from the day.  I did really enjoy Lumbini.  It’s quite spread out and definitely rough around the edges.  It’s beautiful, though.  And the swamps and cattails reminded me of home in Minnesota.  I love how there are these opulent temples right next to other ones that look derelict.

I’m really glad I decided to come here.  I also got lots of time to think and reflect today.  It’s been wonderful.

I’m getting up early in the morning to catch the bus which means it’s going to be a very early night.

Gratitude List:

Discovering that chicken chilly is really wonderful

Being in such a magnificent place

Riding a bike for the first time in a while

I’m in Lumbini.  It was a very long and not so comfortable bus ride to get here, but all in all it wasn’t so bad.  The views along the way were stunning.  I liked the views on the way here more than the ones on the way to Pokhara from Kathmandu.  Despite the length of the bus ride, I’m excited for the bus back simply for the views.

I found a place to stay pretty easily after I got off the bus.  The first place I went into wanted 4000 rupees/night so I thanked the man and walked to the next place.  The guy here only asked 600 rupees/night and the room is totally decent so I took it.  I’m not sure if I could have bargained with him to knock the price down.  It’s inexpensive to begin with so I just offered to pay the price he asked.  I feel like it’s fair.

I visited Buddha’s birthplace after dumping my bag in the guesthouse.  I then walked around the development zone and visited a couple of the monasteries as well.  I’m going to try to get an early day in the morning so that I can spend all day wandering around.  I’d like to visit many of the monasteries and the museum, as well.  I got a jump start on some of it today so I think that’s more than doable. And, if I don’t end up seeing all the monasteries and stupas I’ll survive.  I definitely don’t need to visit all of them before leaving.  Seeing Buddha’s birthplace was pretty cool and kind of the main attraction, I think.

There is a moth in this room.  I think there was another bug as well which I flicked to the floor, but it might have just been something dark that freaked me out and looked like a bug.  I really hope this place doesn’t have bed bugs or anything else.  I’m actually not super excited about going to sleep.  I might decide to sleep in pants and a shirt tonight.  It would provide me with some peace of mind at least.

I’m glad I’m here and glad that I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.  I know I write this everyday, but I am ready to be home, but I feel like there are a couple of things I still need to check off my list before I can go home.  Visiting Lumbini is one of those things.

Gratitude List:

Seeing the birthplace of Buddha

Walking around in nature for a good part of the afternoon

Beautiful views on the bus ride to Lumbini

I bought bus tickets to Lumbini tomorrow. I’m not really that excited to go, but I feel like I should visit it before leaving Nepal.  The bus ride is about 8 hours which I’m also not excited about.  The thought of staying here in Pokhara doesn’t really appeal to me either, though.  I’m going to make the most of it.  I’ll only be there for two nights and then I’ll take the bus back.  It should be ok.

I can’t finish up my Indian visa in Pokhara which means I’ll have to go to Kathmandu to do that.  It also means I’ll end up staying in Kathmandu for 3 days at least while I’m getting that processed.  It really would have been much easier to just get it taken care of while I’m here.  Such is life, I suppose.

I’m going to spend just a minute packing and then go to bed.  I have to be at the bus pretty early which isn’t going to be a lot of fun.  From past experience, I know the bus rides are much less enjoyable when I’ve gotten too little sleep.  It’s quite hard to do anything more than a jerky nap while on the bus.

I really am looking forward to getting home.  I still haven’t made any decisions as to whether I’ll do another trek or just take off.  I’m tempted to take off, but we’ll see.

H has been annoying me.  He sent me a dick picture of a guy he was planning to hook up with tonight. It doesn’t annoy me too much when he tells me about these things when I’m around him, but to just send me a picture like that is definitely crossing a line.  I asked him not to do it again.  The thing is, I’m lonely too.  I don’t want to get all passive aggressive about it, but I’m really not sure I’ll even try to hang out with him much more before leaving.  I think he’s a good guy, but I just don’t want to get sucked into that black hole of emotion anymore.  It’s not super fun.

I should really just do one thing at once. I started looking at flights to Delhi from Kathmandu.  The extra baggage fee on the first one I looked at is pretty outrageous – nearly the amount of the flight itself.  This annoys me.  It also concerns me that the baggage limit looks really low compared to what I’m used to.  Looks like I’ll have to start abandoning stuff again… Blergh.  I think I pretty much got rid of everything excess when I left Istanbul.  I’ll need to do some more research and take a look at the stuff I do have.  I’m pretty sure there are a few things I can probably dump, but I also was hoping to buy some souvenirs for people back home.  It’ll all workout though.  I can always call the airlines to double check the baggage requirements.  I think I can get this figured out.  Thankfully I don’t need to do it right now.

Gratitude List:

A relaxing massage

A friendly face in Lakeside

Finishing up what I’d like to see in Nepal

We walked and walked and walked today. I’m tired. I went to bed really early last night and still managed to sleep for quite a while. I woke up at times during the night, but overall slept quite well. I’m looking forward to going to bed soon… Another early night, but hopefully I’ll be waking up to a beautiful sunrise tomorrow morning. It’s not raining right now so I have hope that it might happen.

I’m really looking forward to being back in the US. It’s been life changing to spend this much time abroad and traveling. I’m ready to shift gears though. I’m also excited for the fresh perspective on my life and this adventure I think being back will give me. I know it’s going to be tough, but I’ve been able to accomplish a lot since I left the US. And, I have to say, I’ve shown a lot of courage and persistence in making all this happen. If I show even a fraction of that when I get back I’ll totally figure out what I want to do.

I’m excited to be back in Pokhara tomorrow. I imagine I’ll probably stay a couple days and then leave for Lumbini, but I’m determined to enjoy the last bit of time I have here before leaving.

Gratitude List:
A comfortable bed in a nicer room tonight
A good, satisfying meal
Time to think about this new phase of my life I’ll be entering very soon

I’m excited to go to bed.  I’m also excited to get to sleep in tomorrow and to be sleeping in my own bed again tonight.  It’s past midnight and I feel exhausted right now.  It’s not surprising considering that I’ve been going to bed at 9 pm the last few days.  I still don’t quite know what I’ll do as far as future travel plans, but that should become clear within the next few days.  I know that trekking for a few more days would be really fun, but I’ve still got India ahead of me and I’m basically ready to fly home.  The right course of action will become clear.  I just have to be patient and let it fall into place.

I got dinner with H tonight.  He was very negative the whole time about not wanting to be in Pokhara and feeling lonely.  I like him and hope for the best, but I simply can’t be the guy to pull him out of this.  I just don’t have it in me right now.

Gratitude List:

Butter chicken after what feels like a super long break from it

Sleeping in my own bed tonight

Not having to get up for anything tomorrow