I’m going to bed soon. I do imagine I’ll make it past 10 pm. That’s probably a good thing. I woke up around 6 am today. It’s really strange to be getting up so early. I kind of like it, though. Now if only the restaurants started serving lunch earlier. I hate having to wait so long for it.

I got a really fantastic piece of writing from a friend of mine today. Tomorrow I’m going to email him back to let him know how much I liked it. I feel like I have lots of friends working on writing and that I’m still just dicking around with mine. I haven’t really tried to produce anything I would use for anything. It makes me sad. I need, and want, to start focusing more attention on it. Tomorrow I will work on writing something. Yes, that sounds like a great idea.

I met this attractive Australian guy today. He came over to where I’m staying. We chatted and then he said “shall we have a wank” or something like that. We fooled around – nothing more than jerking off and I sucked him for a little bit. I enjoyed it. It was a good experience, which I’m grateful for. Despite the fact it’s difficult for me to be sexually intimate with people right now because of how I feel about my body and how I look. He was nice and I felt relatively comfortable the whole time. I don’t imagine I’ll be seeing him again. I’d like to, but I don’t want to ask him to come over again. I figure I should probably just leave it be and be grateful to have had the experience.

I feel really sad right now. It’s not terrible to feel this way, but I haven’t had quite this feeling in a while. Like I’m depleted and want nothing more than to sleep now. I suppose I have no real reason I have to get up in the morning. Perhaps I won’t.

I know that cleaning up my diet – more specifically cutting out the caffeine and sugar, would work wonders for my mood. I’ve been on a roller coaster with both of them for longer than I care to think about.

Ok, I’m off to bed. Tomorrow is my last day in Pokhara and I’m excited about that. I’m looking forward to leaving and moving on. This place is great, but not for a person like me in the mental place I currently find myself. A part of me wants to skip India all together and go directly to the US from Kathmandu. If there is any problem with my Indian visa when I go in on Monday I might do just that. It’s a very appealing idea. Hmm.

Depression sucks. I’ve been feeling it chasing me down for a while now. I’m ok when I’m occupied and busy with something. Trekking was wonderful in that regard. As was Lumbini. But, as soon as I have to sit somewhere and have time to think and reflect it flows over me like this wave that’s finally been able to catch up. I know that going home will help considerably in that regard. I’ll still have the same problems confronting me, but I’ll also have some great friends around and people to help me work through them. Maybe I should fly directly home from Kathmandu. I could do it as early as Monday….

I’m going to India. I’ll just make it a quick trip like I was thinking. Less than 2 weeks and then I can fly back to the US. I really think that’s best. I’ll be able to visit India again and Thailand isn’t going anywhere. It would be fun to go back, but I imagine I’ll feel the same way I did when I was there last time: desperate, lonely and unhappy.

Gratitude List:
Some enjoyable guy time
Only one day left before moving on
Some wonderful writing in my inbox