I’ve had a challenging day. We made it back to Pokhara earlier this morning. I haven’t done much of anything since getting back. I got all settled into the guesthouse where I’ll stay until I leave to go back to Kathmandu. I do like this place. I like being here more than going back to the apartment. It doesn’t have the view, but I was pretty much over that apartment. I like this place since it’s transitional. Just a few days here and I’ll be saying goodbye to Pokhara. I like Pokhara, but it’s time to move on.

This hot Australian guy messaged me on an app. Before I know it, he’s unlocked his pics. I told him I don’t have any xxx pics and don’t send them, but he unlocked his anyway (and very nonchalantly). Normally guys don’t share them with me after I tell them I have none of my own to share. I like seeing dick pictures and his are good. We keep chatting and he asks me to send him a shirtless pic. I can’t imagine sending a shirtless pic. He then backs off in a really nice way, but brings it up again later. I told him I wasn’t home, but that I’d think about sending one when I was. I never sent it.

This whole thing really struck a nerve with me. It brought back all those feelings of inadequacy and like I don’t fit in in the gay community – basically that everyone is hanging out (or, rather, hooking up) without me. This guy said he’d like to meet tomorrow when he’s in town for a drink. I’m not sure it’s a good idea that I meet him. I’d really like to because he’s super hot, but I already feel a bit fragile and something like that could easily throw me over the edge. I suppose we’ll see. He came across as a really nice guy which is the part that really confused me. Normally the hot ones are just assholes. I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll meet him tomorrow. It kind of depends on if he messages me when he gets into town.

I don’t think using these apps is a good idea for me right now. I should really just delete them, but then I have no chance of meeting anyone. I’ll think about it, I guess.

I feel so uncomfortable with my weight right now. I also feel helpless to make any meaningful changes. Exercise has always played a big role in my body image, but I’ve never been one to exercise outside. I have confidence that once I’m back in the US I’ll join a gym and start to undo the damage I’ve done over this last year, but I don’t see myself making a lot of progress on it until then.

It’s past 10 pm. I haven’t been up this late in over a week. I’m off to bed. I have tomorrow and the next day in Pokhara. After that it’s off to Kathmandu. Yay! I’m excited to get the hell on with things.

Gratitude List:
Uncomfortable feelings that shed some honest light on a difficult subject (dating/body image)
Delicious butter chicken for lunch
The strength building inside me to allow myself to take risks and possibly fail