I had a really difficult day. In fact, at certain points I felt like it was a definite possibility I was cracking up.  That’s never a fun feeling.  I’m not really sure what to do.  I think that it might be a good idea for me to get the fuck out of Nepal, go to India for a brief period and then get home.  I’m not really sure why I feel like this.  I mean I’m basically living the dream – my dream, but for some reason I’m just not very happy with it.  Really though, at face value I should love this place:  I have no responsibility, I can sleep in everyday and nap whenever the hell I want to, the views are beautiful and the food is so very, very tasty.  Why I feel not only discontented, but like I might not be able to spend even a few more days here is beyond me.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  

I went to lunch today at a restaurant that has cheap butter chicken.  I’ve eaten there a fair amount.  Jackson was there and I had a brief conversation with him.  I have a feeling he could feel the despair coming from me during our brief conversation.  And basically, that’s what I was feeling at that moment.  I don’t know why!  It’s terrible, though.  I don’t have much more of this in me.

I think that part of the problem is that I’m waiting too long to eat in the morning.  This morning I got up around 9 am and didn’t eat much until I decided to leave for lunch around 1 pm.  By that time I’d gone a long period without eating.  I’ve started to notice more how much it affects my mood when I do that.  I need to make sure to eat something earlier in the morning.  Or at least get out of the house earlier.  I think another possible problem is the amount of sugar I’ve been guzzling everyday (not to mention the caffeine it usually comes with).  I think that tomorrow I’m going to work harder at avoiding caffeine.  I’ve developed more than a slight addiction to the masala and milk teas – both of which have caffeine in them.  In addition to the caffeine, I always add a lot of sugar whenever I drink them.  It’s really quite bad and I’ve let it get out of control.  I think that if I avoid the sugar and caffeine for a few days (if I’m able to) I’ll feel much, much better about everything.  It’s worth a try anyway.  It’s definitely worth a try.

I called an NA guy in KTM today. He got me in touch with an NA guy here who called me this evening and then drove over here on his bike.  We got tea and talked for a while which was nice.  I will hopefully get to a meeting tomorrow.  I appreciate him coming over here.  I also feel like I’m working a terrible program because, let’s face it, I’m working a terrible program.  I’ve been making half-hearted attempts to work the steps for like two years now.  I’ve never really worked with a sponsor very consistently and it’s been a very, very long time since I worked through the steps.  Now I’m here in Nepal and the NA guys are all really nice, but I don’t think a lot of them have worked the steps.  I think part of the problem is many of them just aren’t as familiar with the program as they are other places.  I wish I was a better AA/NA person so that I could try to help in some way.  Oh well.  They’re probably better off than I realize.  It just makes me feel like such a fraud.  I’ve been going to meetings for 6 years and have never sponsored someone.  I take and take and take, but never seem to work very hard at giving back.  What an asshole move on my part.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day.  I’ll make sure to eat more in the morning and get out for lunch before the day is gone.  I’m also hoping to spend some time drawing.  I’ve certainly got the free time to do it.  That’s for sure.