The trip back to KTM wasn’t too bad.  The air con delux bus was worth the couple hundred extra rupees. It still stopped a lot and the seats certainly weren’t very comfortable, but all in all it wasn’t terrible.  It was also pretty easy for Susie and I to grab our bags and get to the guesthouse that Paula coordinated.  I thought the room was ok when I saw it briefly today when we got here, but now that I’m in it tonight I don’t think I can stay here for any longer than tonight.  Tomorrow I’m going to ask if they have any other rooms.  If they do I’ll check out and hope to find something else nearby. I’d really like to stay in this area because it’s nice to be near Susie and Paula, but I can’t do this room for more than one night.  It’s gross and the there’s some pretty significant water damage.  It smells bad because of the water damage and I kind of don’t want to touch anything right now.

We did, however, have a nice evening in KTM.  We walked around the square and ate a relaxing dinner.  This area is definitely more relaxed than the craziness of Thamel and other parts of KTM.  I’d still much rather be in Pokhara, but I could handle a few days in this area if I can get a new room figured out.  That is definitely going to happen tomorrow.

Otherwise, I’m tired from the bus ride and having to get up early today.  It’s relatively early, but I’m looking forward to bed.  Yay!

I’m going back to KTM tomorrow. I’m excited to see Paula again because she’s awesome, but I’m not looking forward to the bus trip, having to dick around KTM to finish up the visa process or the bus back to Pokhara.  It’ll be ok though.  Maybe I’ll see another side of the city I missed before.  Pokhara feels like paradise compared to KTM.  

I paid half of the monthly rent for the apartment.  I’m looking forward to having a month to just sit around and relax.  I plan to spend some time trying to figure out a freelance income.  If I’m able to do that I’ll consider sticking around the apartment for another month, perhaps longer.  I’m in no hurry to go anywhere, but I don’t want to sit around here burning money if I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.  Even if I’m just drawing (in the hopes I could later sell the drawings) I’d be happy with that.  Otherwise, I’m going to have to leave after the month is up and be on my merry way.

Today was actually really enjoyable.  Just hanging out and relaxing with people.  I walked around with Susie for a while and saw Jackson and Rebecca as well. It started to rain very hard in the evening so we canceled our dinner plans.  I went back to the restaurant I’ve eaten at a shitload of times since getting here.  I read one of the books they have and ate butter chicken with garlic naan.  It was, of course, amazing.  

I’ve got to email some people back.  I’ve got quite a few emails I’ve let get stale.  I just haven’t felt like doing that.  Maybe I can work on it on the long bus ride tomorrow.  That would actually be a great use of my time.  I seldom feel like actually emailing anyone back, but I’ll try to do it tomorrow.  It would be nice to get that done.  I definitely have to email L back in SC.  

Morning update!  This will probably be brief because I just wrote morning pages and hashed most things out in there.

I got back to my guesthouse not that long ago.  I stayed at H’s place last night. I realized it’s been over a year since I spent the night in the same bed as someone else.  I enjoyed it, but I couldn’t sleep for shit which was super annoying.  I also hate not being able to brush my teeth and not having a pair of contacts to put in in the morning.  It was still definitely worth it, though.  I would do that again for sure.

I really like Pokhara.  I’m thinking about sticking around for a while.  I’m going back to KTM tomorrow to finish up the Indian visa process and will stay a few days. P from Australia is there now.  It’ll be fun to see her again – she’s great.  My tentative plan is to come back to Pokhara on Sunday.  I rented one of the apartments at H’s place yesterday.  I really like the apartment.  It’s much more than I’d pay for a guesthouse, but I can’t do the super cheap guesthouses.  For a night or two it would be ok, but for a month or longer definitely not.  I really like my current guesthouse, but for the price and location I’d rather have something with a kitchen and more space.  A place I can really spread my stuff out.  The apartment has a really beautiful view of the lake, too!  I’m excited to wake up to that everyday.

I really enjoy spending time with R and J. They will both be around here a while longer and are talking about doing a regular morning yoga class so R can get some practice.  I think they could be really helpful as far as getting a routine goes.  I’d love to be writing and drawing a lot everyday.  That would be really, really amazing.  I’m going to start doing that as soon as I get back.  

I’ve decided I’m giving myself this month to see if making money online as a freelancer is going to be something that might work.  If I can get a start at it I’ll figure out sticking around here.  I plan to speak to J from Vipassana about different visa options.  Although, it sounds like I can stay here on a tourist visa for quite a while because of how late in the year I arrived.   More things to check out I suppose.  

Ok, I’ve got to get going.  I told the woman I would go and pay her half the month’s rent this morning so I’ve got to find an ATM and figure that out.  Talk to you later KP!

I’m so exhausted from a day well spent I can’t wait to go to sleep. I have every intention of sleeping in tomorrow – maybe even excessively. I deserve that.

My day started very early. I awoke just past 6 am so that I could write morning pages and then attend a yoga class with the girls. I enjoyed the yoga class, but probably won’t try to make it that early again. I’m just not made to get up that early and it screws with my day.

After the yoga class a bunch of us got breakfast. V brought the guy she brought home the night before. He was gorgeous. Like a really, really good looking Nepali guy. We ate breakfast and then took a short break before meeting and going on a hike. We hiked up to this stupa on a hill across the lake. The hike took us a couple hours, but it was really fun. There was this very attractive, (quite buff) young Scottish guy. He was so cute. I took a picture of him smiling later in the day and realized he has a smile I could definitely fall in love with. Anyway, we hiked up to the stupa and took some pictures. It took quite a while. I enjoyed the hike very much and the group of people we’ve been hanging out with are all very cool. I’m going to miss them when the group totally changes, which it will – soon. We walked down from the stupa and took a boat ride back to the Lakeside area of town. They jammed 5 of us in one boat which I’m pretty sure wasn’t very safe. They then sent a kid who had to be like 10 years old to paddle us across the lake. It was a bit tragic. A little way he ran into a guy returning from the other side and the guy got in our boat and the kid took the other one back across the lake. We made it across alright and decided to split up for some showers before meeting back up for dinner.

Dinner was really fun. Paula is leaving tomorrow for KTM which is really sad. I’m going to miss her a lot, but in all likelihood it probably won’t be too long before I see here again – either in Nepal or India. I’m definitely going to hit her up when/if I fly to Delhi. I was so exhausted from dinner I ended up just sitting there for a long time totally off in my own little world. It was certainly tasty though.

After dinner I decided to go meet this Brazilian/Indian guy who’s living here. I’ve been messaging him on one of the apps for a few days. He’s a nice guy. I also wanted to check out his apartment in case I decide to stay here a while. His apartment was ok. I could maybe live there, but I do like the guesthouse where I’m currently staying so we’ll see. This guy was pretty adamant before we met that we’d only hug and maybe kiss for a little while. Of course he was also born in 1993 so I kind of new better. We made out on the roof and then started to fool around more. Since he’s currently hosting a couch surfer in his apartment we were doing all this on the roof and we ended up going in the bathroom. It was nice to finally fool around with someone again – I feel like it’s been forever, but that wasn’t quite what I was hoping for. I really did think taking it slow would be a nice idea. I’m horny and want to get off, but at the same time that always seems to lead me to the same place when I go there right away with guys. I still enjoyed it and plan to see him again. I suppose we’ll see where that leads me.

This afternoon I decided that I really like Pokhara and that maybe I’d just figure out a visa and stay here a while. I decided not to invest too heavily in the idea right away because my attitude and what I want changes so frequently. On the one hand, it would be cool to hang out for a while. I even met someone else who’s planning to stay for 3-5 months so I’d have a more long-term friend here as well. This evening I’ve kind of cooled on that idea. Pokhara feels like paradise after KTM, but the reality of staying here might not be that great. I’m going to think about it some more and see what I decide. Thankfully after doing the Indian visa back in KTM next week I can come back here and chill. Maybe if I stay here a month that’ll be enough and then I’ll be ready to move on. Maybe I’ll want to stay longer. We’ll see. It’ll fall into place if I give it some time.

I had a lovely day.  Just lovely.  I went to bed last night without setting an alarm and allowed myself to sleep in which was so wonderful.  I got out of bed around 10:30 am and had an extremely slow morning.  I wrote morning pages, listened to music and relaxed.  Once I got hungry, I showered and wandered to a restaurant not far from where I’m staying.  There I ate absolutely delicious chicken tikka masala with butter naan and drank a small pot of milk tea.  It was heaven.  I brought my laptop and responded to a couple emails while relaxing.  I sat at the front of the restaurant and basically watched the cars and people go by on the street.  It was great because I barely heard any horns which makes Pokhara a great respite from KTM.

After a couple hours I decided I should wander on the path near the lake.  I went for a pretty long walk just taking in the sights and the sounds of the place.  The lake and view is immensely beautiful.  I still wasn’t able to see the major mountains that are behind the lake because the clouds obscured them from view.  I imagine it will be even more beautiful when I am able to see them.  After wandering around the lake, I decided I’d draw for a while and started looking for a suitable location.  I didn’t make it far before I ran into the Australian, Paula, who’s currently living in Delhi.  I really like her.  She’s great!  It was a lucky coincidence I ran into her, too.  She was on her way to a yoga class and invited me along.  I joined her and really enjoyed the class.  It was difficult, but not too difficult.  There was also a wonderful period of laying on the floor and meditating at the end of class which I really enjoyed.  I am hoping to get up in the morning and attend the morning class with her and our English friend Susie.  It’s going to be sad when we all disperse and go our separate ways, but at dinner tonight I met a nice Canadian is who is planning to hang out in Pokhara for a while.  She seemed quite interesting and was very friendly.  I got her phone number so I’ll be able to give her a call and hang out on occasion.  She also spent about 6 months in India which could make her a great resource for my trip there.  

I know it’s just been one full day I’ve been here, but I really like this place.  I could see myself hanging out here for a while.  Maybe even quite long-term.  I’ve got to figure out the visa situation and see how that works, but it’ll all get settled easily enough. I could also skip flying back to NYC for M and M’s wedding to save on money, but I’d really like to go.  Plus, it would make two Christmases in a row I’ve missed if I don’t make it to Minnesota this year.  Thankfully I don’t need to make any decisions right now. A clear path will fall into place if I just give it time.

I found myself connecting with that older, funnier self I’ve so desperately missed.  I heard that deep, guttural laugh of mine many different times today.  It was such a joy.  I have felt like that person who feels joy and exhibits an extremely dry, terribly clever sense of humor was lost – perhaps forever.  It appears Nepal may have resurrected him.  I’m really grateful for it, too.

I am feeling more inclined and motivated to figure out freelancing or some kind of online income.  It probably won’t be an ideal way to make a living, but for a while it could be cool to allow me to stick around here and continue living this traveling, wandering life I’ve come to love (and hate).  Going home doesn’t have the appeal that staying abroad does – even when I factor in being more stationary and being able to work towards a goal.  I really think I’ll be able to get there if I continue working at it.  I really enjoyed writing the email to my Seattle friend in Istanbul. 

Several years ago I was in northern Minnesota with my family.  My mother’s family has a cabin on a river that connects to a large set of lakes.  It’s basically my favorite place on Earth. We went every year growing up, but it had been at least 7 years since the family had gone.  The last time we went I was 21 and in the midst of my second manic episode – totally out of control at that point.  My older brother was also in the regional treatment facility getting treated for his mental illness and drug abuse.  It wasn’t a super great summer for the family.  After that summer, my mom didn’t go back for many years and I know it’s basically her favorite place on Earth, too, because she went with her family growing up and has lots of memories of the place.  So anyway, we went back and I took a picture of myself with the lush, green forest behind me.  There was also a beautiful stream.  The sun was reflected on my face and I snapped this picture of myself.  After taking it, I couldn’t imagine my good luck.  Admittedly, I tend towards the narcissistic.  The picture contained this beautiful, genuine smile.  And, I looked good.  It was probably the first time in my life I was truly happy with how I looked.  Or pretty happy, anyway.  I remember taking the picture and worrying that something would happen to it before I had internet again and could email it to myself.  I just couldn’t believe how happy I looked.  It had been such a long, hard struggle to find that happiness.  

My point is, I sent an email today that I really liked.  It was well written and it was kind of the first time I realized that I’m actually a pretty good writer.  It wasn’t perfect or anything, but I enjoyed writing it and think it came across quite well.  I saved the email to my computer so that I can refer back to it for inspiration.  In fact, I’m thinking about switching it up a bit so that I can use it to start a blog.  I really need to start a blog and start pursuing my actual dreams of supporting myself writing.  Or perhaps supporting myself through art.  It’s time to follow those dreams.

I’ve got to get up early.  It should be good.  I’m hoping to join the morning yoga class so I’ll need to be up around 6:30 in order to make it. I’m really looking forward to the class.

I forgot something I wanted to mention, but now I can’t remember it.  I’m sure as soon as I close this it’ll come to me.  Oh well.  

Gratitude List:

More new friends and more new friends.

Reconnecting with the ability to feel joy.

Spending some time writing.

I definitely wouldn’t say the bus ride to Pokhara was fun, but we all got through it and made it in one piece.  The bus left KTM at 7 am and arrived at Pokhara at 2:30.  It was wet and rainy the whole ride.  The bus was old and the right side towards the back leaked.  We sat in the back, but thankfully we’re not on the side that was leaking.  I’m really glad to be done with that experience!

I ate some of these donuts this morning which I think bothered my stomach.  It’s been upset basically all day long and I’ve had diarrhea which hasn’t been much fun.  I’m looking forward to going to sleep soon and not getting up very early in the morning.  A few people are going trekking, but I didn’t manage to get in on that.  It’s ok though, with how my stomach feels right now I don’t really feel like getting up in the morning and trying to trek.

I also got a nice room at the place that was recommended by a guy who also did the meditation retreat with me. I’m paying 850 rupees a night which is more than reasonable.  I’m excited to spend a few days relaxing here before going back to Kathmandu.  I don’t actually want to go back there, but I’ve got to deal with the Indian visa.  I hope that all goes well.

I’m exhausted from getting up so early this morning.  Yay for bed and sleeping in!

Edit:  I feel like this isn’t done yet.  Here I am, in Pokhara, which is a very beautiful place.  Once again I find myself confronted with the whole “what am I going to do now?”  I could go back, but I’m reluctant to end this adventure.  I could keep traveling, but I’m not sure that would be as fulfilling as I’d like.  I would really like to be dating and meeting guys.  I’d also like to be working out so that I feel confident, sexy and strong again so that when I meet these guys I don’t just feel like the large ball of lard I currently am.  Hmm.  I think being out of KTM will give me some time to really think about it and come up with a plan.  I’m basically ready to go home, I just don’t know how that would go which scares me.  Like what will I do for work? Will I be able to find work?  Will I like being back in the US or just want to leave right away again?  Am I ready to say goodbye to this grand adventure I’ve been on?  I don’t know the answers to any of these questions and many of them will only be answered if/when I do go back.  I’m not sure I have the tenacity to keep traveling.  I’m tired and would kind of like a break from it all – some peace and comfort would be nice.  Seeing my friends would also be nice.  I’ll give it a think.  

Gratitude List:

Finally getting out of KTM

A nice dinner with new friends

A peaceful respite and some time to think

I had a nice day.  I got up this morning and wrote morning pages and got everything packed up and ready to move to a new guesthouse.  It rained and rained all day so the morning move was done in the rain.  I took a taxi because I didn’t want to lug my large, heavy suitcase while carrying my not so large, but still quite heavy backpack down the muddy streets of Kathmandu.  I showed the taxi driver the card for the guesthouse and said ‘Durbar’.  He said it would be two hundred rupees which seemed reasonable.  He weaved his way through the crowded, narrow maze like streets of Kathmandu to a main road.  I knew how to get to the guesthouse and was surprised he went the way he did, but it wasn’t until he turned left onto this road that I knew we weren’t going in the right direction.  I had him pull over and we called the guesthouse and got it figured out, but then he wanted five hundred rupees instead of the two hundred.  I told him no, that three hundred was the most I’d pay.  We argued and I made him pull over and got all of my luggage out of the taxi.  I then refused to pay him anything since he hadn’t gotten me to my destination.  He kept trying to haggle with me and get me to pay four hundred or three fifty to take me to the guesthouse, but I refused.  He was grabbing my stuff and I didn’t feel comfortable anymore and just started walking away – big backpack on my shoulders and lugging a very heavy, green suitcase through the rain.  After walking a bit down the street he caught up to me again and said 300 would be fine.  I got back in the taxi because I really didn’t want to walk and I also wasn’t sure how far the guesthouse would be.  He got me pretty close and I paid him the 300.  The whole experience definitely reinforced my never take a taxi policy.  I really don’t like fucking with stuff like that and here you always need to negotiate a price before going somewhere.  The meters are never used.

The rest of the day was quite uneventful.  It rained;  I went for a walk.  I got a massage at the guesthouse from this guy who advertises for massages in the guesthouse.  I didn’t think it was as good as the blind one I had the other day, but it was much, much less expensive.  I’d do it again for sure.

Tomorrow we are getting up early and going to Pokhara which will hopefully be really great. I’m looking forward to being out of Kathmandu.  I have high hopes for Pokhara which will hopefully be met.  I’d love to find a place I can just hang out for a while.  I’ve come to realize I’ve got quite a bit of time here and even more time in India before going home.  If I get bored in Nepal I’ll just go to India sooner rather than later.  I wouldn’t need to wait until the end of September.

It’s still early to be making any decisions about the future, but I might decide to go home before M and M’s wedding in December.  Traveling around is great, but I miss my friends back home and the life I could have there.  My mindset changes on it quite frequently and this city stresses me out so I really should wait until I’ve been able to clear my head some more.

I also bought a small backpack tonight.  Of course I don’t need more stuff, but it’ll be nice for traveling on the bus because I’ll be able to put my laptop and other more valuable things in the backpack and keep that near me.  It should be helpful while taking trains in India as well.

Ok, I’m surprisingly tired for how inactive I’ve been all day.  I guess I was sort of active.   The bus leaves at 7 am so I have to get up by at least 5:30 tomorrow morning…. that I’m not looking forward to, but I’ll survive.

I’m not sure I like this new updating thing.  Hmm.

Today was pretty great.  I had intended on getting to the Indian visa place to get my application submitted early, but of course rolled in around 11 wondering if I’d be able to see someone and get it submitted before they stopped helping people at noon.  Thankfully it was a pretty painless process.  I printed off the form I completed the day before, submitted it and paid a fee.  All in all not too bad.  I was told to go back next week.  At that time I’ll hand in my passport and then the following day return to get my visa.  I’m glad it really wasn’t very difficult.  

While at the visa place I met a few girls who were also there to get Indian visas.  We ended up spending the day together.  It was really nice.   There was a Canadian, an English girl and one from the US.  The Canadian is this young girl who is a travel blogger.  She isn’t really making any money off of it right now, but it was good to talk to her and get some ideas about things.  She also does some freelance work online which is something I’ve been hoping to get figured out for a while now.  The conversations with her certainly sparked that again and really helped me put into perspective how trying to make a living off those sites a reality would work.  

Tomorrow I’m going to change guesthouses and stay in the one where the English and American girl are staying.  It’s close to Durbar Square and where the NA people hang out so that should be nice.  The rooms are not as nice as the one I have now, but they’re also a fair amount cheaper.  The place is also quiet so although not as nice as here, it should still provide a respite from the city.  I also don’t imagine spending much time in Kathmandu.  This city really doesn’t appeal to me a whole lot.  It’s just too chaotic and busy.  I don’t think spending more time here will change that.  It was nice to be with other people because even when you’re in the midst of the chaos, they provide a buffer for it. 

We are going to travel to Pokhara on Friday.  I’m so excited to check out other parts of Nepal.  It looks really beautiful!  And it’ll be nice to travel with a few other people for a little while.  One of the girls will be moving on to another part of Nepal from Pokhara and the other one will most likely travel back to Kathmandu with me to finish up dealing with the Indian visa next week.  We have to go back on Thursday, drop off our passports and then return on Friday to pick up the passports with the visa in them.

Afterwards I’ll be more or less free to do whatever I choose.  If I like Pokhara I can just swing back there.  If I don’t like Pokhara I’ll need to figure something else out.  Actually, if I don’t like Pokhara I’m not really sure what I’ll do.  I’m hoping I’ll like it enough that I’ll want to return and spend a much longer chunk of time there.  There seems to be a lot of holistic stuff going on and I’d love to start doing some yoga.

I’m sitting here now, shirtless, and realized not long ago that the fat rolls on my upper body are super sweaty and it’s gross.  Like super gross.  I can’t go on like this forever.  I’ve been feeling like I could try dating again and being intimate with someone, but then I also feel so gross about my body.  It’s not the worst it’s ever been, obviously, but it’s uncomfortable enough I’m not sure I could spend much time with someone naked.  I’d really, really like to though.  That’ll work out in good time.  I sure hope so anyway.

Ok, time for bed.  I’ve been feeling tired – like super tired, since getting back tonight.  I can’t believe I’ve been up for this long!  It is almost 1 am though and I’ve been going to bed around 9-9:30 lately.  I suppose it’s to be expected.

I like writing.  I wish I was doing more of it.  The words seem to be flowing pretty easily right now.  It’s fun to just bang something like this out in 10 minutes and not labor over every word.  I do like laboring over every word at times -especially when I want to relate exactly how things are and I need to be very accurate.  I like this a lot too though. 

KP! Wow, it feels so strange to think I haven’t made an update for nearly two weeks. I have a lot on my mind, but of course waited until I was tired and just want to go to bed. I suppose I’ll give this a go for a while.

The meditation course was good. Definitely not what I expected, but I went in without really thinking about what it would be like so I suppose the expectations really weren’t there. It was extremely difficult at times and I found the technique to be very difficult to practice. It was a lot about feeling sensation on your body during the meditation. I had a terrible time feeling any sensation. This was both good and bad. On the one hand, it gave me a new perspective with which to view some things and a good direction in regards to work I can do to improve my situation.

I listened to a podcast quite a while ago that talked about how often times people with eating disorders completely cut off the relationship they have with their bodies. I have a feeling this is probably in a lot of ways why I was having so much trouble at the meditation course. This podcast also mentioned that yoga can be a great tool for rebuilding that lost relationship. I plan to utilized that going forward. I’m basically in the land where yoga was developed and there are classes all over the place. I’m going to start figuring out classes I can attend semi-regularly at least. I think this is a really good opportunity for me. I’ll maybe try the meditation technique again and see if the yoga has made any difference. A lot of times I need to be exposed to something initially as a ‘just checking this out’ type of deal and then later (sometimes years later) I go back to it knowing what it’s all about and having a better idea of whether or not it can help me. This may end up being the case with this technique. I also plan to investigate some other techniques. I really feel like it’s time I choose one tradition and stick with that. I spend a lot of time meditating, but still feel like it’s lacking in direction. I’m also hoping to reach out to a couple people who I think can be helpful in regards to figuring out a path to pursue.

The course itself was very challenging. We had to sit on the floor on mats, cross legged for up to twelve hours a day. It was difficult from a mental and physical perspective. My body got really sore and tired from sitting for so long and my mind started to rebel after not too long. Couple that with the fact that I really wasn’t getting the technique and there was a lot of time spent just sitting on the floor wishing the time would pass quicker. Even though I didn’t connect with the technique, I still think it was 10 days well spent. It gave me a lot of time to think about my current situation and where I’m headed. I did some strategizing and still plan to just see how it plays out. A lot of it will depend on how I feel about Pokhara when I get there. If I really like I’ll hang out for a while. If it’s simply ok I’ll probably feel ready to go back home sooner rather than later.

It was really quite difficult being at the meditation center because of the conditions. It was a bit run down and not super clean. My hat somehow got wet and remained damp nearly the entire course. By the end it was growing mold so I decided to throw it away. There was also no hot water so every shower was cold. Since it really wasn’t that hot there cold showers weren’t a lot of fun. The food was actually pretty good, but I still was craving some meat and something a little more tasty. I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll look back on it with much more fond memories.

I also have some reservations about the technique itself. The way it was presented was good, but it was still a little… off. Anyway, enough about that.

Tomorrow I’m planning to apply for an Indian visa. I filled out the application form online earlier today. Tomorrow I’ll gt up in the morning and go to the visa office. I’m hoping it goes smoothly. I found out I can apply for a 10 year Indian visa so I’m planning to do that. I’m not sure if they actually process them in Kathmandu or if you need to get one from your home country, but it would be awesome if I could get a 10 year visa. My current plan involves staying in India/Nepal until the end of November and then flying home for M and M’s wedding. After, I’ll head to Minnesota for Christmas. Once Christmas is over and I’ve spent some time around family and friends I’d kind of like to just come back. If I really like Pokhara I’ll maybe figure out a longer-term stay there. I’m thinking perhaps a year. Otherwise when I go to India later this year I’ll maybe find a nice, chilled place in India to hang out for a while. I’m not really sure how well that would go with paying my credit card bills, but I’m not going to think about that right now. I figure that will all work out somehow. If I can find somewhere to live that would cost no more than $750/month I could really try to figure out this online income. I’m not going to allow myself to do it like I did in Turkey though. If I don’t have any money coming in by January and I haven’t done anything to prepare for this I won’t go. I simply don’t want to put myself in a position where I’m not working and living off my old retirement account and with no structure or goals at hand. I think that will become clear within the next few months. I also feel like I have some more motivation to tackle this and really figure out what I can do with it. I’ve also got some people/places I can ask for help. Something will get figured out, I’m sure.

I totally spoiled myself tonight and it was lovely. I got a 90 minute massage. He beat the hell out of my back which hurt quite a bit, but I really, really needed it after all that sitting. My back feels remarkably better than it has since starting the meditation course. After the massage I went to a restaurant I found that looked really nice. It was quite expensive compared to Nepali standards, but as soon as I got inside it felt like I was no longer in Kathmandu. The place was very well designed and decorated. The menu was also great. It felt like it could have been a restaurant I’d frequent in Minneapolis and that made me homesick. The food I ordered was great. I haven’t had a meal that good in quite a while. I really enjoyed it and it made me miss Minneapolis and the life I had there for a while – especially being able to go out for a good meal frequently. I used to do that with friends all the time and it was one of the things I really, really liked to do.

Once I got home I texted a couple friends from back home I haven’t spoken to since leaving. It was really nice to reconnect with them – even if it was just over text. They gave me some great things to think about and consider. I also realized that I’ve more or less cut myself off from my friends back home since I don’t use facebook or other social media. It would be easier being abroad if I had more people, friends present in my life – even if it was just over social media. I also really want to start a blog. I think I could do it well and if nothing else it would be a great way to keep in touch with friends.

I spoke to my mom this evening too. She really wants me to come home and get a job and start living a more conventional life again. The problem is, I know I’ll never fit into that box and being abroad like this has definitely made it more clear that I’m not probably going to be able to enter the corporate cubicle world again. Even with a job I enjoyed more or one that had benefits like travel, I think I’d find it stale pretty quickly and the monotonous, routine nature of employment unbearable. I like the idea of moving to Chicago and taking writing classes at Second City, but the things I’d have to do to support myself don’t appeal to me much. I’d also be stuck for a while and probably pretty broke. I guess we’ll see. I do like the idea of having some more structure and routine – especially in regards to joining a gym and being able to start dating again. I feel really ready to date. Well, that’s not true. Mentally I really want to date, but physically I feel like a beached whale most of the time which would make dating complicated. I do find these Indian/Nepali guys attractive though. I also like that a lot of them speak quite good English, too. There was an Indian guy at the meditation thing that was really, really hot. There was also an Iranian guy I more or less fell in love with the way I do. He was wonderful.

It’s been sooo long since I got to type and write. I feel like I could just go rambling on and on forever. This has definitely not been the most coherent of posts, but I’m glad that I got all of this out. I will develop it into more coherent thoughts over the next few days. I’ve got a lot of stuff I’m hashing out in my life right now. It’s good, though.

Oh, I also want to mention that I did break down at one point (8 days in) at the meditation place. I ended up connecting with a lot of pain from the past. I don’t connect with it often, but when I do I’m always surprised at how raw it still feels after all this time. I hope I can find a good resolution or a nice way to process all of that. Who knows, maybe I’ll even do it through writing.

Goodnight KP. I’m really, really grateful we were able to have this conversation. You’re really good at listening!