I kind of wish I hadn’t paid for this apartment for 30 days.  I’m not sure I see myself staying for that long.  I love Pokhara, but I’m sad here and want to go home.  I know this will pass – by tomorrow I might be singing an entirely new tune.  I’ve got a pretty sweet setup here – a beautiful view and time to just sit and be.  

I did not use my time very wisely today.  I met V for lunch and said goodbye to her.  Her new Nepali boyfriend was there too.  She really wanted us to hang out after she leaves and get to know each other.  I’m not so interested in actually doing that.  He sent me a message today that I didn’t respond to.  I guess we’ll see what happens with that.

I think that tomorrow has the potential to be a really great day.  I sure hope it is.  I can do so many fun things – like read, watch movies, meditate and draw.  I think that sounds really, really fun.  I didn’t draw at all today, but I would like to.

I just really miss my family and friends.  I miss having a gym I can work out in and feeling not only desired, but desirable.  I miss having a routine and I miss working towards goals.  I wish I could jump on a flight tomorrow and go home right away.  

I feel like I should stay here for the month since I paid for this place.  I could go home and just say fuck it and lose the rent I’ve paid.  It’s not like it’s that much money.  It definitely wouldn’t make sense for me to stay here if I hate it and suffer through the next month because I’ve paid rent on an apartment.

I finally had a conversation with H tonight.  It was short and quick.  I’ve been pushing him away and not being available for a while now.  I don’t think it surprised him at all.  And, to be honest, I think he was basically done with it.  I know in the past I’ve picked up on how other people are feeling and I wonder if that’s not happening right now, too.  I just feel so sad right now.  Like it’s this bottomless pit of emotion that’s going to swallow me up.  But, the thing is, it’s not overwhelming.  It’s a sadness for sure, but nothing worse than I’ve been through in the past.  I think that tomorrow will be better.  Hopefully much better.  Not that today was so bad, but tomorrow will definitely be better.  I have so much to be grateful for right now and such a great time ahead of me in Pokhara.  The next month could be amazing.  I just have to work to make it that way.

Gratitude List:

Finally sorting things with H

A day of rest

Finally getting my laundry back