I didn’t post an update last night.  I wanted to, but H was here.  We started watching the hobbit when I fell asleep.  I didn’t want to have sex with him so when we decided to stop the movie I pretended to be too tired to stay up any longer and slept.  He spent the night at my place and left pretty quickly in the morning.  I was grateful for that.  

We spent a lot of the day together.  We went to the supermarket and did some shopping.  I also got a haircut!  I like getting my haircut.  When we got back he went to his apartment and I went to mine.  I was relieved when it just happened like that and I didn’t have to say anything about needing a break.  He did send me a message not long after that, but I ignored it and pretended to be asleep.  I took a great nap.  That was definitely a good decision.

He met some friends tonight.  I had plans with V so we didn’t end up meeting up.  He’s out drinking with them now.  I definitely don’t want to have to deal with drunk H later.  I had enough of that a couple nights ago.  I’m going to bed soon.  I haven’t slept in my bed alone for a couple nights.  I’m looking forward to it.  

I talked with V for a while about it.  I’m just not that into H and he’s basically gone from newly acquainted to deeply in love.  I don’t think he’s really deeply in love, but that’s the way he acts sometimes and I never know how to respond.  I’ve never been good at that and I’m definitely not good at pretending to be interested when I’m not.  I have been using that tactic of not acknowledging some things he says.  Last night at dinner he kept saying “say something romantic” and I just couldn’t do it.  I don’t feel anything romantic towards him.  I like him and think he’d be a great friend, but I’m just not interested in him as a lover or anything more than a friend.  Today at lunch he kept saying “why won’t you say that you love me.”  I responded with something about how we’ve only known each other a few days. That didn’t seem to phase him.

I know that he’s dissatisfied with our relationship at this point.  I’ve been avoiding having an actual conversation about it.  Partly because I always avoid uncomfortable conversations like that, but for other reasons as well.  It’s nice to have a guy interested in me, even if I don’t feel the same way about him.  It’s also nice to be touched and to have someone to touch.  I haven’t had much physical intimacy in the last year and I really miss it.  Like really miss it.  

I will have a conversation about things with him soon.  Actually, I’m quite surprised he hasn’t brought it up yet.  I wouldn’t shy away from a conversation about it with him, but I’m unlikely to bring it up.  I keep hoping he will open the door and then we can talk about it.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not really proud of how I’m acting right now.  I should really be more upfront about my feelings and not let things continue the way they’ve been going.  He’s not stupid and I really don’t think anything I have to say will come as a surprise to him.  He’s certainly deduced as much from my avoidant behavior these past few days.

I wrote a list of 3 things I was going to do today and I’ve only accomplished 1 of them.  I drew for a little while this evening which was the 1 thing I did do.  I really enjoyed drawing.  I don’t think I can salvage the drawing and put it on the wall, but it was nice to be doing it again.  It’s been 4 months since I drew anything and I’ve definitely gotten rusty.  The practice tonight was very helpful.  I’ll maybe finish the drawing tomorrow, but will probably start another one and try to make something that looks respectable and good enough to add to my completed drawings.

The other two were emailing a couple people back and then logging into this writing website I joined and asking for help on there.  I could probably still do both of those things before going to bed.  I’m tired, but wouldn’t need to go to bed right now.  And really, it would feel pretty good to get all 3 of my goals done today.  That way tomorrow I can come up with 3 new goals for the day.  Ok, I’m going to do this.  It’ll only take a few minutes to send two emails.  Logging into the writer’s website might prove to be a little more difficult, but I can at least get the emails sent.  One thing at a time, right?

Gratitude List:

Taking some time to draw today.

A nice, delicious dinner with V.

Time to think.