I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for the last 20 minutes trying to get the new post page to load. I can get to the site, but as soon as I try to load a new post it just works and works and never actually works. This is a frequent occurrence (nightly) when I decide to write an update. Most days I probably spend more time trying to get it loaded than I do actually writing an update. I’ve given up tonight and am typing out an update on my iphone. The 3G network seems to be much more reliable (and faster) than the Internet ever is here. I want to go to bed and am tired of fucking around with my computer.

I actually made it on a hike today! I’m so tired right now. I left my apartment a little after noon. Once I started making my way it took about an hour and a half to reach the stupa. The first 45 minutes is spent walking through Pokhara and getting to the trail. Once I’m on the trail it’s like a whole other world. I didn’t encounter a single other person on the walk up. It was just me in a quiet forest. I really enjoyed that. Once I got to the top the views are so amazing, too. I sat at the top for a little while and drank some water before continuing on my way. I was hoping to continue walking to another lookout point, but there was a landslide since the last time I was there and the trail was out. I managed to find the trail that went back down to the lake to the boats, but got confused and decided to just walk back the way I came. I was very tired by the time I made it home, but grateful to have gotten some exercise today. I didn’t eat much before the hike so I was planning to get some dinner as soon as I got back. There is a steakhouse I was going to check out, but once I saw the prices I decided to skip it. I was also drenched in sweat and since it was starting to rain I figured I’d run home and shower and get an umbrella. I did stop and by some junk food at the corner store I like. Once I got home I ate a bunch of the junk food and then took a nap for a while. I did eventually make it up and get showered. Afterwards I went to a nearby restaurant for dinner because it was raining.

All in all it was a pretty good day. I feel really tired right now and like I’ll sleep well. I think I was up past 2 am last night so a earlier bedtime tonight will be great. Who knows, maybe I’ll even make it to the yoga place tomorrow morning. That would be great!

Tomorrow I’m also going to make sure to get some butter chicken or chicken tikka masala with garlic naan. Yum! I wanted some for dinner, but the restaurant I went didn’t have it on the menu and I didn’t feel like going much further in the rain. H sent me a message from Delhi saying how much better it tastes there. This concerns me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to leave India if it really is a lot better. Live and learn, I suppose.

Gratitude List:
Getting a fair amount of exercise today
A relaxing evening with a book and an early bedtime
Feeling like my day was well spent

My day was, not surprisingly, quite uneventful.  When I woke up this morning my first thought was “what a wonderful day to go for a hike.”  After morning pages, meditating for a little while (with a nap, afterwards, of course) and some drawing I found it to be well into the afternoon.  As a result, the hike never happened.  When I left to eat dinner I ended up buying a hat which I’ve been meaning to do.  I feel like I have a better chance tomorrow since I’ll be able to leave the house prepared to hike.  Today I couldn’t because there was no way I was going to spend that much time in the direct sun (even with sunscreen!).  I know that I would feel so much better if I got some exercise.  Now that it’s past 1 am I highly doubt that the morning yoga class is going to happen.  

I started using facebook with a stupid account that doesn’t have my real name because someone told me that’s how the gay guys in Nepal meet.  Sure enough, there are a few facebook groups dedicated to gay guys in Nepal.  I’ve now tried joining all of them, but have only been added in one group.  I chatted with a couple guys earlier tonight.  I’m not really sure I’m up for the struggle of meeting any guys.  It also seems to be primarily focused on hooking up.  I’d love to mess around with a hot, Nepali guy, but I’m not willing to jump right into bed with one until I feel comfortable.  Who knows, though.  Maybe I’ll be able to meet someone for coffee or dinner.  

Today was, to be honest, not the greatest day I’ve ever had.  I found myself crying this morning.  I think I’m processing through some things and releasing them.  I figure the crying was a good thing.  I don’t feel depressed and afterwards I felt better.  I don’t feel stuck, anyway, so that’s good.

I ran across a very large, gross cockroach in the sink this evening.  I tried to shoe it into the garbage can so that I could let it go outside, but the cockroach was having none of that.  It ran away and then I lost it underneath the stove.  Blergh.  When I went back into the kitchen later on there were two cockroaches.  I managed to smash one and throw it outside, but the other got away.  I don’t like the idea of there being a massive cockroach inside even if it is in the other room.  I’ll probably go looking for it before bed in the hopes that I can smash it and be done with them.  Ugh, I really don’t like cockroaches.

I really like the drawing that I completed today.  Well, it’s mostly complete anyway.  It still feels a little unfinished.  And it also feels a little cookie cutter.  Boring.  Like it’s missing something – that it has no pizzazz. I might wake up in the morning and see something I want to add, but for the most part I think I’m done and it’s going on the wall.  It’s different than my other drawings.  I like it, though.  Like my technique is changing and evolving.  I still like the other ones, but they feel more amateurish than this one does.  It’s nice to see progress when it comes to drawing.

Tomorrow is going to be an absolutely fantastic day.  I am going to start making a point of getting out of this apartment earlier.  I can’t get up and then just bum around here all day.  It makes me crazy.  I spent 50 minutes writing morning pages this morning because I wrote backwards and right handed.  After, if I meditate, shower and whatever else the I’m already 3 hours into the day before I’ve even thought about leaving my apartment.  I need to work at becoming more efficient in the morning so those things flow and I can get out early enough to grab some lunch or go for a hike before I start to feel like I’m losing my mind.  

And with that I’m off to bed.  I think tomorrow will be really cool.  I think the hat and I will go on a hike.  Yay!

I slept pretty late today.  I haven’t really been doing that since getting to Nepal.  I took half a magnesium pill last night.  They always make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning so I assume that had something to do with it.  I’m ok sleeping until 11 am today, but I really, really hope it doesn’t become habit.  I like keeping a better schedule than that.  

Today was very relaxing.  After sleeping in I did morning pages and had a relaxing morning.  I found myself at a restaurant down at the end of hippy town for lunch this afternoon.  It was nice to sit there, read and eat good food.  I like that place because I never seem to spend nearly as much as I do other places around town.  Plus, it’s still good food.  I’ve been to restaurants and spent quite a bit on food that was definitely no better than mediocre.  Maybe I’ll go back there for lunch again tomorrow.  I liked the tables they have near the lake.  I could easily sit there and draw!

Speaking of drawing, I did some more of that today.  I started one a few days ago that’s not really a drawing.  I just drew a couple shapes.  I wasn’t taking it very seriously and I have no intention of putting it on the wall.  I put more thought into the drawing I started earlier tonight.  I like it quite a bit.  Although, I like its component parts.  A part of me wishes they weren’t in the same drawing, though.  Like they both look good, but not necessarily together.  Oh well.  As a first real drawing after a 4 month break I’ll have to take it easy on myself.  I do think it’ll turn out well and I’m looking forward to finishing it tomorrow and finally have something new that I can put on the wall.  Yay!  I’ll probably even try to start another one tomorrow.  I like drawing.  I’ve missed doing it.

I met a friend for tea this afternoon.  I made plans to meet her in the evening at the same place I ate lunch.  They have live music.  We sat in this hut thing with some short tables and cushions on the floor. The music was pretty loud, but you could still sort of talk.  The hut we were in filled up with people pretty quickly.  It was mostly those hippy(ish) stoner types that Pokhara seems to attract.  They were passing around joints.  The marijuana doesn’t really bother me, but then H showed up and he brought a big cup that he’d filled with whiskey and coke.  As soon as he poured some into a glass I could smell the whiskey.  It smelled like he’d mixed it the way I used to – like 90% whiskey and 10% coke.  That I found a little overwhelming and definitely triggering.  It’s been quite a while since I was at a meeting.  I should really do some research and find one to attend in NA.  Even if it’s mostly in Nepali, there will be guys there who speak English.  And really, just going to a meeting helps.  

I didn’t stay at the restaurant long.  I ate and listened to music for a little while, but it just wasn’t my crowd and I wasn’t very interested in making new friends.  I was grateful to get out of there and come home.  Once I got home I mostly drew, listened to music and podcasts.  It’s definitely my preferred way to spend a Friday night these days.  Getting older is awesome!

I’ve been feeling like I could use some closure on the whole bipolar thing.  In fact, I feel like I could use some closure on nearly all of my 20’s.  The problem is, I don’t really know how to put that behind me.  I’ve been thinking about trying to get a hold of one psychiatrist I met with for a couple years when I was diagnosed.  I looked up her number tonight.  I even tried to call.  I was grateful when, after several rings, her machine picked up.  I really have no idea what I would have said if I’d gotten her on the phone.  There’s definitely a conversation I’d like to have with her.  I think it could be very enlightening for me.  And really, she might get something out of it as well.  I plan to try to call her back again.  The biggest problem with reaching out to her is that I have no way for her to contact me back since I don’t have a US number I can receive calls on.  I’ll give it some thought.  I could try to coordinate a time I can call her back.  I really think that I would benefit from having a conversation with her.  Who knows, it could be just what I need to put all of that behind me once and for all.  I don’t need answers, I just want to speak my truth to someone who had a lot to do with things surrounding my diagnosis and the information I received at that time (or at least what I heard – I might find a discrepancy between what I remember being told and what I was actually told).

I’m excited to finish my drawing tomorrow.  I hope I wake up in the morning knowing exactly what to do to finish it.  It’s so close to done!  There is just a little part left that needs to be filled in.  Right now I have no idea what would be good to fill the space with.  

Gratitude List:

Having the desire and courage to seek a much needed resolution

Being more than content spending Friday night doing things I love – at home by myself

Being able to see the beauty in the world around me

Today was more or less a variation of yesterday.  I imagine that tomorrow will be, as well.  I think I may have inadvertently put myself into ‘groundhogs day.’  I suppose things could be worse, though.  Today I read, ate good food, walked around a little bit and watched a movie.  Yes, things could definitely be worse.

The movie I watched tonight was very interesting.  It was about reality I guess.  I liked it.  I wonder how it will affect my dreams tonight.  I took half a magnesium pill before I started watching it.  I don’t know why I did – I hate the hangover I encounter the next day whenever I do.  I just want to sleep and sleep in the morning and then when I finally do get up I feel groggy.  It’s amazing that just half a pill will do that to me.  The doctor who suggested I start taking them told me to take 600 mg a day which would be about 6 full pills, I think.  That would knock me out for days, I imagine.  

I’m looking forward to going to bed.  I have been feeling like sleeping for over the last hour.  

I started downloading a few movies two days ago.  I think it was two days ago.  It takes forever to download things here because the internet is so slow.  When I am downloading things it also makes it virtually impossible to do anything else online.  The movies should be all finished in the morning or at least sometime in the afternoon.  I’m not planning to download anymore.  I like being able to use the internet for light browsing of stuff.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to do this place for a month.  I like it, but things will have to change if that’s going to work.  I kind of wish I had only paid the woman for two weeks or something so that I could leave.  I also feel ready to go back home.  I’m broke and it’s time to pursue something else.  Who knows, perhaps I’ll be in Chicago before I know it.  Maybe I’ll decide to somewhere else, too.  There are so many possibilities to what I could choose to do in the future.  I suppose I should probably note I’m not sure I believe in free will – I might have much less choice in the matter than it feels I do.

Gratitude List:

An interesting movie

A nicer, more comprehensive conversation with H

Finishing a good book

Today was much, much better than the last couple days.  I like Pokhara and am glad I’m here.  I think that a month will prove to be more than enough time to bum around, eat and recover.  I don’t need to make any decisions regarding the future right now, though.  And if there’s one thing I’m really great at it’s putting off making decisions until the last possible moment.  Yay!

I spend most of the day reading a book on my laptop.  It’s been a very relaxing way to spend time.  I also meditated today for the first time in 2 weeks.  I can’t believe that it’s been since the meditation course that I actually sat and meditated.  It was really nice to do!  I’m thinking about setting an alarm and going to the early morning (7:30 am!) yoga class.  I’d like to be getting some more exercise and the class would be a great way to do that.  I’m just not sure I can make it somewhere that early in the morning.  I’ll set an alarm and see how I feel in the morning when it goes off.  I was thinking about going to the evening class today, but it was suggested that beginners attend the morning class first.  I know that yoga would be really beneficial for me to get into so I should make more of an effort to get there tomorrow.  I could start practicing a couple days a week easily enough.

I’m also hoping to start drawing more.  I didn’t spend much time doing it today.  I’d really like to draw something like I was drawing before.  The one I started yesterday won’t ever become much of a completed drawing.  It’s been a nice way to ease back into it.  I didn’t realize that taking 4 months off from drawing would result in me being so rusty.  It’s ok though.  I’ll get back into it quite easily if I just put forth a little time and effort.

I ran into H briefly today.  He clearly wasn’t very interested in saying much of anything to me.  We said hellos and were cordial to each other.  I really would still like to be friends with him.  I hope that in a week or so we can grab dinner or hang out some night.  He’s a great guy.

Surprisingly it’s not raining tonight.  It’s been raining and lightning like a lot these past few days.  The power is out now so it’s also quite warm still.  The rain seems to cool it down.  I like sleeping while it’s raining, too.  It’s comforting somehow.

I’m really grateful that I didn’t feel as homesick or like my life is doomed today.  I felt that way for about 2 days and seem to have mostly snapped out of it.  Depression, and little mini depressive episodes like that, is something I’ll probably have to deal with for the rest of my life.  I hope they decrease with frequency, intensity and length, but I assume that will be determined by how much of a meaningful life I’m able to build for myself.  It’s tough being abroad and unrealistic to think that I’ll never encounter tough days – especially considering my sordid mental health history.  It’s comforting to know, in the moment, that I will snap out of it.  It always feels like it’ll never end when it’s happening, but I realistically now know that I always snap out of it.  I’m not sure why my brain always feels like whatever I’m feeling right now will continue on forever.  I’m grateful to be getting old enough to realize that’s not the truth.  I always snap out of it.  These days I tend to snap out of it much quicker than I did in the past.

Gratitude List:

Taking time to relax while doing more productive things – like reading.

Feeling more hopeful for my immediate and long-term future

Feeling grateful for this period to be quiet, reflect and regroup

I kind of wish I hadn’t paid for this apartment for 30 days.  I’m not sure I see myself staying for that long.  I love Pokhara, but I’m sad here and want to go home.  I know this will pass – by tomorrow I might be singing an entirely new tune.  I’ve got a pretty sweet setup here – a beautiful view and time to just sit and be.  

I did not use my time very wisely today.  I met V for lunch and said goodbye to her.  Her new Nepali boyfriend was there too.  She really wanted us to hang out after she leaves and get to know each other.  I’m not so interested in actually doing that.  He sent me a message today that I didn’t respond to.  I guess we’ll see what happens with that.

I think that tomorrow has the potential to be a really great day.  I sure hope it is.  I can do so many fun things – like read, watch movies, meditate and draw.  I think that sounds really, really fun.  I didn’t draw at all today, but I would like to.

I just really miss my family and friends.  I miss having a gym I can work out in and feeling not only desired, but desirable.  I miss having a routine and I miss working towards goals.  I wish I could jump on a flight tomorrow and go home right away.  

I feel like I should stay here for the month since I paid for this place.  I could go home and just say fuck it and lose the rent I’ve paid.  It’s not like it’s that much money.  It definitely wouldn’t make sense for me to stay here if I hate it and suffer through the next month because I’ve paid rent on an apartment.

I finally had a conversation with H tonight.  It was short and quick.  I’ve been pushing him away and not being available for a while now.  I don’t think it surprised him at all.  And, to be honest, I think he was basically done with it.  I know in the past I’ve picked up on how other people are feeling and I wonder if that’s not happening right now, too.  I just feel so sad right now.  Like it’s this bottomless pit of emotion that’s going to swallow me up.  But, the thing is, it’s not overwhelming.  It’s a sadness for sure, but nothing worse than I’ve been through in the past.  I think that tomorrow will be better.  Hopefully much better.  Not that today was so bad, but tomorrow will definitely be better.  I have so much to be grateful for right now and such a great time ahead of me in Pokhara.  The next month could be amazing.  I just have to work to make it that way.

Gratitude List:

Finally sorting things with H

A day of rest

Finally getting my laundry back

I didn’t post an update last night.  I wanted to, but H was here.  We started watching the hobbit when I fell asleep.  I didn’t want to have sex with him so when we decided to stop the movie I pretended to be too tired to stay up any longer and slept.  He spent the night at my place and left pretty quickly in the morning.  I was grateful for that.  

We spent a lot of the day together.  We went to the supermarket and did some shopping.  I also got a haircut!  I like getting my haircut.  When we got back he went to his apartment and I went to mine.  I was relieved when it just happened like that and I didn’t have to say anything about needing a break.  He did send me a message not long after that, but I ignored it and pretended to be asleep.  I took a great nap.  That was definitely a good decision.

He met some friends tonight.  I had plans with V so we didn’t end up meeting up.  He’s out drinking with them now.  I definitely don’t want to have to deal with drunk H later.  I had enough of that a couple nights ago.  I’m going to bed soon.  I haven’t slept in my bed alone for a couple nights.  I’m looking forward to it.  

I talked with V for a while about it.  I’m just not that into H and he’s basically gone from newly acquainted to deeply in love.  I don’t think he’s really deeply in love, but that’s the way he acts sometimes and I never know how to respond.  I’ve never been good at that and I’m definitely not good at pretending to be interested when I’m not.  I have been using that tactic of not acknowledging some things he says.  Last night at dinner he kept saying “say something romantic” and I just couldn’t do it.  I don’t feel anything romantic towards him.  I like him and think he’d be a great friend, but I’m just not interested in him as a lover or anything more than a friend.  Today at lunch he kept saying “why won’t you say that you love me.”  I responded with something about how we’ve only known each other a few days. That didn’t seem to phase him.

I know that he’s dissatisfied with our relationship at this point.  I’ve been avoiding having an actual conversation about it.  Partly because I always avoid uncomfortable conversations like that, but for other reasons as well.  It’s nice to have a guy interested in me, even if I don’t feel the same way about him.  It’s also nice to be touched and to have someone to touch.  I haven’t had much physical intimacy in the last year and I really miss it.  Like really miss it.  

I will have a conversation about things with him soon.  Actually, I’m quite surprised he hasn’t brought it up yet.  I wouldn’t shy away from a conversation about it with him, but I’m unlikely to bring it up.  I keep hoping he will open the door and then we can talk about it.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not really proud of how I’m acting right now.  I should really be more upfront about my feelings and not let things continue the way they’ve been going.  He’s not stupid and I really don’t think anything I have to say will come as a surprise to him.  He’s certainly deduced as much from my avoidant behavior these past few days.

I wrote a list of 3 things I was going to do today and I’ve only accomplished 1 of them.  I drew for a little while this evening which was the 1 thing I did do.  I really enjoyed drawing.  I don’t think I can salvage the drawing and put it on the wall, but it was nice to be doing it again.  It’s been 4 months since I drew anything and I’ve definitely gotten rusty.  The practice tonight was very helpful.  I’ll maybe finish the drawing tomorrow, but will probably start another one and try to make something that looks respectable and good enough to add to my completed drawings.

The other two were emailing a couple people back and then logging into this writing website I joined and asking for help on there.  I could probably still do both of those things before going to bed.  I’m tired, but wouldn’t need to go to bed right now.  And really, it would feel pretty good to get all 3 of my goals done today.  That way tomorrow I can come up with 3 new goals for the day.  Ok, I’m going to do this.  It’ll only take a few minutes to send two emails.  Logging into the writer’s website might prove to be a little more difficult, but I can at least get the emails sent.  One thing at a time, right?

Gratitude List:

Taking some time to draw today.

A nice, delicious dinner with V.

Time to think.

H is here right now.  He’s laying in the bed next to me.  We just finished watching a movie on my laptop.  A big part of me wishes he would go downstairs to his apartment so that I can be alone.

I’ve hung out with him a lot today.  I feel like I could use a break.  It’s been nice and I’ve enjoyed being around him, but I’m not used to being around people so much and I definitely do like my space.  

We went to a Lebanese restaurant earlier tonight.  The food was good.  Neither of us brought our umbrellas, so when it started raining we weren’t happy.  We tried to locate one at the restaurant we could borrow, but had not luck.  The restaurant was way at the end of the road in the hippy part of town which is a bit of a walk from the apartment.  When we started walking back the rain wasn’t falling too hard. After not long it started raining much, much harder.  We ran for a while to make it back quicker.  It was no small feat running in the fake sandals I bought in Thailand last year.   Most of the roads are not well paved so when it starts to rain they turn into muddy messes.  The water accumulates in large pools and getting around (especially in sandals) is difficult.  Thankfully we made it home ok.  

I’m excited to sleep in tomorrow and relax.  I like spending time with H.  A lot of the problem right now is that I feel so fat and so gross about my body I don’t want anyone touching me.  It’s so uncomfortable to have him touch my body.  I like having sex and want to mess around, but I also really don’t want to be naked around anyone.  I just feel so gross about how I look and the amount of weight I’ve gained.  Blergh.  H mentioned he knows of a gym around our apartment building so I’m hoping to check that out tomorrow.  I think it’s about $15 to join for a month.  Definitely worth it if they have some equipment.  It would be great if they had a treadmill or eliptical machine, but I’m not holding my breath.

Gratitude List:

Spending time with a cute guy

Waking up to a beautiful view

Getting settled in to life in Nepal

I’m back in Pokhara.  The bus left Kathmandu at 7 am so I had to get up at 5 am in order to make it on time.  The bus ride itself was pretty uneventful.  It’s long and not overly fun, but definitely not unbearable or anything.  That said, I’m really glad that I don’t have to make that trip again anytime soon.  I’ve done it 3 times in the last week which is plenty for me.

I got settled (sort of) into my apartment as soon as I got here.  I then took a nap which was really nice.  I think I’ll like this mattress quite it a bit.  It’s amazing how much better I sleep on a good mattress.  The one in China, and the ones in Turkey, were much less than ideal and I never felt like I got a great night’s sleep.

After the nap I met up with H.  He’s a really nice guy and i enjoy hanging out with him, but we’re clearly on two different levels for what we’re looking for.  I need space.  He wants someone to sweep him off his feet – someone he can be in near constant contact with.  I’m just not that guy.  And I know I’m not that guy.  I’m going to have a conversation with him tomorrow (I hope).  I pissed him off earlier tonight because I decided to join my friends at a nightclub and he didn’t want to go.  Oh well.  Tomorrow we can have a conversation about it and hopefully come to an understanding.  I’d be more than happy to continue seeing him and where things lead, but I’m just not able to go where he wants to go with it right now.  It’s definitely better that I approach this as an adult and be upfront about it.  Otherwise I have a feeling I’ll get annoyed and just push him away which wouldn’t be fair to him.  He’s a really great guy.

I’m really looking forward to my first full night’s sleep here.  I was also grateful that the internet seems to be working much better than it did last time I was in Pokhara.  I can’t wait to go to bed with no intention of getting up in the morning.  And, I get to wake up to such a beautiful view.  It’s going to be amazing.  This place is great.

Gratitude List:

Improved internet speeds

Getting checked into my apartment

Taking some time to just be

My visa didn’t work out so well. I was approved for a 90 day single entry visa. I didn’t end up leaving my passport to get it processed because then the 90 days would start immediately. I am going to have to come back to Kathmandu and do that before leaving Nepal. I’m not super excited about it. It hasn’t been terrible staying in Kathmandu, but this was basically a waste of a trip. If I had known I would have just stayed in Pokhara and not come. Now I have to take another very long, crappy bus ride back to Pokhara tomorrow. I’m excited to be back there, though. It’s a great place and I have a whole month to just bum around, relax and try to find an income.

I’m going to miss my travel companions. We’re mostly splitting up now. I can’t believe I only met them a week ago! It feels like I’ve known them forever. It will be really, really strange to not be seeing them again anytime soon. Although who knows – maybe I’ll bump into them in India. We all went out to dinner tonight which was really nice.

I’m thinking more about going home. It’s time and I know. At this point I’m mostly just killing time (which I can’t really afford to do). I think my month in Pokhara will be great. Afterwards I’ll probably go to India and then fly home. Maybe sometime in October or November. Hmm. I suppose anything can happen though.