I have seen a huge improvement in my mood. I’m not really sure why. I assume there are a lot of factors. One, I’ve been getting out and seeing people more recently. I think quitting this job and knowing I’ll no longer be teaching English has helped a lot, too. I also think that knowing I’ll be going back to the US soon enough helps as well.

I booked my flight to Nepal today. I’m really excited and glad that I finally got the travel arrangements nailed down. I also got a confirmation email about this meditation program I’ll be doing so I’m really excited about that as well. I have really high hopes for this 10 day meditation retreat. I also kept seeing 7s today. While walking home before booking my flight I saw a license plate with 777. I then had some problems using my credit card on the airlines website and had to call customer service which had 77777 in the number. Then, when I was walking to catch the dolmus to Taksim I saw a Benz with the license plate 77 777. I haven’t been seeing a lot of 7s lately and then today boom, they’re everywhere. I take it as an auspicious omen of good things to come. Hopefully good things that have to do with Nepal, the meditation retreat and my eventual return home.

I already mentioned that my mood has been better today. I feel like these last couple months it’s been wonky. Like some days it’s ok, but other days it’s not good at all. It’s been a lot more on the ‘not good at all’ end of things lately which has been hard. The last couple days it really has been much better. I wish I could be at a place where I wasn’t thinking about my mood that much anymore. I have had times like that in the not so distant past. I hope to find them again. I just really don’t like being as focused on it as I have been lately. Anyway, it’s past 3 am here and definitely time to go to bed.

Today was my last day working for this school in Istanbul. Yay! I’m so excited to be done with this job. It simply wasn’t for me, which is ok. I went into the school today and finished writing a couple reports so everything is completely finished now. I’m going in on Monday to pick up my last month’s salary and then I’ll be done with it. I don’t think I’ll run into problems getting my final pay, but until it’s been handed to me I won’t really know.

I also filled out an application for a 10 day meditation retreat that starts on Aug. 1st. I hope to hear back from them soon confirming. I think that I’ll leave Istanbul on Sunday, July 27th. It’s so strange to think that I’m leaving here. I know I’ve only been here for less than 3 months, but it’s become home. I do, however, feel that I’m ready to leave here and move on.

I walked around a park today with one of the part time teachers at my school. I really enjoy spending time with her. It is a little harder to leave now that I’m starting to meet more people that I like and make more friends. Although, I must admit, now that I’ve decided that I’m definitely going to Nepal I couldn’t be more excited. It’s going to be amazing. I can’t wait to spend a few weeks or a month just bumming around before going home. And a 10 day meditation retreat is exactly what I need to get my head on straight to go back to the US and make things happen. Woot woot!

I haven’t felt this positive or excited about the future in quite a while. It’s a really welcomed change of pace.

I taught what will hopefully be my last class today. Man, does it feel good to be done with that. It’s possible if I’d stuck around a bit longer I would have gotten more comfortable teaching and liked it more, but I really don’t think so. I’m having no second thoughts about walking away from this job and situation in Istanbul. I will miss the city and the friends I’ve made here, but that’s ok.

I’ve been mentally preparing myself for my return home. It’s going to be a big change filled with what will most likely be a lot of challenges. I’m not looking forward to that, but I’m excited to start dating again and to pursue something else. Financially it would have been great if I could have stayed out of the country until the end of the year (while making money to support myself), but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I’m also still debating whether I should go to Nepal. I’d have to send a lot of things home (or abandon them here), but I don’t have much of a problem doing that. Nepal would be a great adventure. I’ve heard such great things about it and I’d really like to do a 10 day meditation retreat. I could probably pretty easily go for a month and then get on a flight to New York. It would be a pretty nice way to say goodbye to my adventure traveling abroad. Right now I think it’s a great idea, but my view on it will most likely change which is why I still haven’t booked a flight. Maybe I’ll buy one tomorrow. Even though I’m ready to go home, there’s something inside me that feels Nepal could be a really beneficial experience. Hmm.

I really am not excited about teaching in the morning. Last week my student said that he wouldn’t be able to make it which is one of few reasons I decided to work this week. Oh well. It’ll be my last day teaching him and the last day I have that’s terrible with the hours. I’ll get up and go in the morning and then come back and take a nap right afterwards. I’m not really prepared for class, but I’ll have a little time to throw something together. I might get lucky and find that he cancels in the morning. That would be amazing!

I found myself walking around Besiktas tonight with no purpose or destination. There were so many people out, together, eating dinner this evening. I bought some chocolate stuff and sat by the water for a little bit and happened to see some fireworks. I then went to an Asian restaurant I’ve walked by a bunch of times without realizing it was not Turkish food. It wasn’t as good as the food I ate in Thailand, China or Japan, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

I’ve got to get this eating under control. I’ve gotten in the habit of going on sugar binges again. Tonight was pretty bad. I ate a shitload of sugar and then felt super gross about myself. I even purged which is not something I’ve done in a really long time. I didn’t feel super terrible about doing it afterwards like I thought I would, but it’s certainly not something I want to do again. I am going to try to make tomorrow a sugar/candy free day. I just don’t want to do it anymore.

And now it’s nearly 1 am. I’ve been back for a couple hours not doing anything but wasting time online. I’ve got to get up in like 5 hours to get to work for my 8 am class…. Blergh. I should go to bed.

Ok, so here is my quandary: If I stay out of the country for 4 more months I can transfer a substantial portion of my pretax IRA to a post tax Roth IRA. The problem is, I have no idea what I’d do for work for those 4 months and I need to be making money to support myself. If I’m not making money, I’ll have to be withdrawing from the account in order to live. Even in a cheaper country to live I’d probably end up spending enough that it would make more sense just to go back and find a job in the US and not transfer the money. There has to be a way out of this situation. I’m going to ask around and see if anyone has any suggestions on what I could do. I know I could try to start doing freelance work online and I could then try to find somewhere cheap to live while I get that started. That was my goal when I got to Istanbul, though, and I made no progress on doing that. Hmm. Tomorrow I’ll do some internet research and see what I can find out. I might be able to qualify for a working holiday visa of some kind. Then I could go to New Zealand, Australia or somewhere else and try to find a job. It could be pretty cool to work in one of those areas for a while. Hmm.

I’m really glad that I finished my long day today. I’m excited to be done soon. I wish I could have made staying in Istanbul work, but continuing this teaching job is not something I feel I could do. Even today it was a struggle to get through. Continuing for any period of time more would simply be unbearable.

I’ve been messaging a guy in NJ I’ve now known for quite a while. The messages haven’t gone to sexting, but they’ve gotten more romantic in nature. I’d really like to be dating again…. I’m currently a very, very lonely bird.

Yay for not having class in the morning! I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and it’s going to be amazing. I hope I don’t sleep excessively because that’s never good for me, but I’m very excited I don’t have to get up and teach in the morning.

My class this evening cancelled which I didn’t mind at all. I went into the school to prepare for my class tomorrow morning. I didn’t spend a lot of time getting ready for it, but that’s ok. I’ve got some stuff to do. I’m really glad I’ll be done with teaching this week. I have no intention of trying to do this ever again. I figure I gave teaching adults a try and now I’ll be done. It’s clearly not for me. I think that even if the hours were better, I still wouldn’t like teaching much. It’s ok though. I’ll find something more suited to my likes and abilities eventually. I just have to give it time. Tomorrow I’ll have a busy day, but the rest of this week will be much more relaxed. Thursday, my other busy teaching day, has already cancelled 2 of my 3 classes. I’m definitely not sad about that. I will miss the students as I like most of them, but doing tailor-made courses is a pain in the ass.

I told my mom I’m thinking about going to Nepal. I’m having second thoughts about it now. I mean it would be awesome and I think I’d really like it, but I’m not convinced I’m up for it. She also was under the impression I’d be there for a couple weeks, not that I’m thinking about just staying gone for the next few months. I spoke to my cousin last night and found out a little more about the volunteer work he did there. I’m hoping to get the name and contact of someone to try to coordinate something with that. It would be great to do some volunteer work and be busy. I could also find a meditation/yoga retreat of some kind to do. I just did a google search and saw a couple, but they appear to be around $50/day which doesn’t thrill me. I don’t really want something geared towards the wealthy tourist who’s off to find him or herself. I have a couple people I can reach out to and ask some advice. I might be better off pursuing that in India, too. I’m going to send a friend in NYC an email asking if she has any advice. I’m not sure if she’s been to Nepal or India, but my guess is she knows someone who has who can maybe give me some advice. It would be pretty awesome to do some kind of extended retreat. Hmm.

I think I’m up for the Nepal/India adventure. And really, if I don’t like it I can always fly to Thailand or Cambodia and bum around there for a month before going back to the US. There are lots and lots of options.

I was texting with a friend of mine who also teaches at the school where I’m working this evening. I sent her a message that I found to be really funny. It was a random idea that I had. Or, rather, it was a random idea I had because of the conversation we were having. It felt great to reconnect with my old sense of humor. I miss it. It also made me think about how much I’d like to be writing short stories. This would make an awesome, strange, possibly rambling short story of some kind. Now if only I actually sat down to write it… wouldn’t that be a miracle.

Ok, time to get to bed. I’ve got to get up so early in the morning and I should really prepare some more for class so getting to school a little early would be a really, really good idea. I don’t want to have to wing it. I’m going to miss this student. He’s a good guy.

One other thing – I’ve been thinking more about the writing and what exactly my dreams are. I’ve also been thinking about my past mental health history – both what it taught me and how it’s influenced my life. I’m not sure I can just walk away from that without doing something constructive with it all. I’ve got a wealth of experience because of it. I’ve also got a story to tell. I know that it’s telling would significantly help me, but it could also help other people, too. Things to think about, I suppose.

I went on a really amazing hike today. We probably ended up hiking/walking about 20 km. It really wasn’t very far outside Istanbul. We hiked through this huge forest and then ended up at the Black Sea where we went swimming. I’m exhausted today – like it feels like I was hit by a truck exhausted. I’m very, very ready to go to bed.

I have no classes in the morning. Yay! I do have a class in the evening, but that’s ok. I’ll go to school in the afternoon to prepare for that class and then my class Tuesday morning. I emailed my DoS and asked if next Friday could be my last day. She agreed! I’m really glad I won’t have to do that again. It’ll be difficult to be unemployed, but there could be worse things.

The Nepal/India adventure is getting away from me. I’ve been talking to all sorts of people about it. I really like the idea of going to Nepal. Even if I only stay a month or something, that would be more than fine. I could do a month in Nepal and then head home. I feel so much better now that I’m getting more rest and actually sleeping well at night. The room I’m currently renting gets hot, which sucks, but it’s so quiet and the bed is huge so I’ve been sleeping quite well. I could do some volunteering in Nepal and I could also spend some time studying yoga and meditation. I’d really like to do another meditation/yoga retreat of some kind. Hmm. I know that’s not the greatest decision financially, but I’d like to do this. I think, anyway. I have to spend some time really looking at the reality of this situation and if it’s something I do want to do. I mean really, Nepal is going to be a poor country. Beautiful, I’m sure, but poor and probably chaotic and I’m not sure I’m up for that part of it. I’ve got some time to think about it, though.

I always fall into this all or nothing thinking. Nepal for a month would be fine. I wouldn’t need to stay for 4 months. I could just kind of see what I think when I get there and maybe leave after a month, maybe stay longer. I wouldn’t need to commit to a 4 month adventure right away.

Ok, time to go to bed. Yay!

I’ve had a good, busy day. I met a fellow teacher this morning and we went and wandered around the archaeological museum and then grabbed some lunch afterwards. It was really great to hang out with her and do some sightseeing around Istanbul. There are a few things I’d like to do and see before leaving and she has a few things on her list as well. I enjoyed spending time with her.

I also got it in my mind that I should extend this trip I’ve been on for a few more months and head to Nepal and India. I’ve felt pulled there for a while. Unfortunately, the only way I can see making that work would involve pulling money out of my IRA account. I’m not super excited about that idea. It is appealing to extend the trip, though. I’d like to keep traveling and the idea of abandoning lots of stuff in Istanbul with the intention of not working or trying to work while I just focused on traveling for many months is appealing. In Nepal I could do some trekking, but I could also spend time somewhat stationary just writing and drawing pictures. I’d love to do that more and try to set up a schedule and routine that would allow me to focus on it. I am going to give it some thought. Financially it’s not a great idea, but I could make it work. I’m going to give it some thought and see where my gut takes me. I think the answer will become clear in time.

I had a very strange dream last night/this morning. I was swimming in a pool (I remember thinking I was with other people, but don’t actually remember anyone else being there). There were sharks in the water. I came across these little figurines. I’m not exactly sure how many there were, but I remember thinking in the dream that they were old, very valuable and that I didn’t want to leave them there. I lifted one and turned it over to look at the bottom, on which was printed Kierkegaard followed by a phone number with the area code 612. The strange thing about this dream is that I am not familiar with Kierkegaard and the name meant nothing to me when I woke up and was thinking about the dream. It wasn’t until I got up in the morning and googled the name that I found any information out about him. I’m not really sure what it means, but I’ve been intrigued by it all day. Maybe I’ll get another puzzle piece tonight. I hope so, anyway.

I’m meeting a program person in the morning to go hiking. I’m looking forward to it. I think it’ll be really cool. It also sounds like we’ll be gone nearly all day, but thankfully I’m not meeting him too early in the morning. I do need to get to bed so I can get a good night’s rest, though. I’m looking forward to another busy weekend day doing something fun.

I also emailed my DoS today and requested to be done this coming Friday. I certainly don’t want to work up until my last days in Turkey. I haven’t heard back from her, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I’m really going home soon. Wow. I have a lot of feelings about it all. I went and watched what turned out to be an absolutely terrible movie tonight (I seriously debated leaving during intermission). During the movie I ate a shitload of candy… my wonderful way of dealing with the upcoming stress.

One of the first things I want to do when I get back to the US is go to an OA meeting. Things have been out of control for quite a while. I need to stop trying to manage my mood and emotions with food. It’s simply not working and the ‘escape’ it provides me is only fleeting. I should stop trying to escape and start living in reality.

I still have hope that I’m going to find something wonderful to do in the US. I keep thinking about moving to Chicago and pursuing some writing options there. It’s what excites me the most. I’m not quite sure how to make Chicago work, but that will become more clear as time goes on. I really need to find something that will allow me to explore my creative side and ideally work with other funny, creative people. I’m also desperately hoping to start dating again. I feel ready to date, even though I’m terribly out of shape. I can’t really say I’m super fat or anything – in all honesty, I’m not (despite how I feel!), but it’s been so long since I regularly worked out that I have a really low body image right now.

I’m meeting a friend for some sightseeing and tourist stuff tomorrow. I think it’ll be really fun. It’ll also get me up and out of bed in the morning which will be really nice. I still need to determine what my last day of work is going to be. Ideally I’m hoping for next Friday. I really don’t want to continue doing this job and I’d like a little bit of time to say goodbye to the city and prepare to leave. I’m still throwing around the idea of going to Budapest and maybe Prague before I leave Europe, but we’ll see whether I decide to make that happen. I’m going to be super broke very soon so it’s probably not a great idea. Thank God I still have all that retirement money from my old job. I really don’t want to have to use it, but it looks like I won’t have much of a choice.

I am on the verge of a shitload of more changes. I put in notice to leave my job today. While doing it I started to think ‘maybe I could stick this out,’ but the fact is I spent every day this week wondering how I was going to make it through the end of the week. The thought of teaching classes next week was more than I could handle. Leaving this school and Istanbul is the right decision. It’s scary to think of going back to the United States and having to find a job and figure out what I’m going to do there, but I’ve got hope that something truly amazing will pop up and I’ll be able to pursue it with my full attention. A year ago, before leaving the US, I wouldn’t have been able to pursue something with all my heart. Now I can. This last year has been challenging, difficult and amazing. Definitely a year I’ll never forget. I’m excited and hopeful for what the future will bring.

There are so many great possibilities ahead of me. I hope that I’m able to maintain this degree of hope when I actually start looking for jobs back home. Although, now that I think about it, I could really start doing that now. I wouldn’t have to wait until I’m back. Hmm…

I’m also considering going to Budapest for a few days or a week before leaving Europe. I have an itch to visit some place where I’ve never been. The flight from Istanbul is really not that expensive. It’s less than $200 which is pretty awesome. Really, I could even hit up Budapest and Prague before leaving. Maybe go for like 10 days or so. Afterwards I could fly back to Istanbul, grab my stuff and take off. Or stay a little longer. Who knows. The world is my oyster. Now if only I could figure out how to afford the life I want to live. I really hope that’s what’s going to happen next in my life. Woot woot!