I feel unprepared for Nepal. I booked a place to stay earlier tonight, but I’m not really sure where it is or how to get there in a taxi when I arrive. I also came home with the intention of getting all packed so that tomorrow I can have a relaxing morning as I get ready to leave. Of course, I came home and sat here and dicked around online for many hours while thinking about how I should be packing. My flight isn’t until the evening so I’ll have time to get everything ready in the morning/afternoon before I have to leave, but I’d really hoped to get it taken care of sooner. I won’t be surprised at all if I end up being super rushed tomorrow and getting stressed out as I’m blindly throwing things into backpacks and suitcases. I don’t like doing things like that, but I seem incapable of changing. It’s really not going to take me too long to get everything sorted in the morning, but it’s certainly going to take longer than I figure. I’m still not quite sure how I’m going to adjust from staying up until 3 or 4 am to getting up at 4 am while on the meditation retreat in Nepal. It’s not going to be a lot of fun. I suppose I’ll get through it, just like everything else. But, that brings up a good question: Why am I just getting through things instead of thriving and feeling happy and fulfilled?

I’ve mostly said goodbye to the city. I was thinking about it earlier tonight and it’s not that I don’t want to leave this city that has me bummed. I’m ready to go and staying longer doesn’t hold a major appeal for me, but what I think I’m most bummed about is that when I came I’d hoped to find something really great here and to build a life – at least for a while – that was really happy. I didn’t find that here. I learned, I grew and I enjoyed myself (at times), but I wouldn’t say that I thrived here by any means. I think it’s the loss of that hope, or rather the realization that hope isn’t going to make it to fruition, that has me bummed out. It’s not the leaving, it’s that things didn’t work out.

I was reading about Nepal earlier and it sounds like it’s going to be a nightmare at the airport tomorrow. I pray that everything goes as well as possible. I’m excited to be there and think I’ll really like the meditation retreat.

I’ve reached a breaking point with the food stuff. I feel like I weigh a hundred million pounds. I look like I weigh a hundred million pounds. I feel uncomfortable and gross all the time about my body. The heat and humidity certainly don’t help at all, either, but I need to get this under control. I would really like to lose a little weight before going back to the US and feel better about how I look. I hope I can quit bingeing on sweets and start eating better all around. Nepal presents a new opportunity to eat more responsibly – one that I certainly hope I can take advantage of. I’m so sick of the way things are right now.

Ok, off tomorrow evening. I’m apprehensive, but really excited as well. My friend J who I met in Istanbul when I first arrived is going to be in Kathmandu for a few days when I get there. I’m really grateful he will hopefully be able to help me with the lay of the land. It’s quite possible it’ll be nuts and I’ll want to bolt nearly immediately. I’m going to stay at least through the end of the meditation retreat. Hopefully longer.