I’m going to the meditation place tomorrow. I went looking for it today, but failed at finding it. I found the place on the map, but not the actual office I’m supposed to report to tomorrow. I plan to go back in the morning and hope to find some other lost looking foreign person that can help me find my way. I basically know where it is. I spent some time packing tonight. I’m still not sure quite what to expect or if I’ll be prepared. I don’t really need anything but clothes and toiletries. And a towel and some sheets. I’m going to leave my suitcase here and just bring my small(ish) backpack. I remember being able to shove more stuff into that backpack, but I suppose last time I traveled with just the backpack I was in Thailand so only had shorts and short sleeve shirts that I was traveling. I’m going to try to leave around 10 pm and in the morning I’ll finish packing. I’m mostly done so that’s good.

I woke up this morning and felt awake and refreshed (for the most part). It’s been so long since that happened. The 6 months I was in China and the 3 months I was in Istanbul I slept quite poorly. Every morning I woke up feeling like all I wanted to do was continue sleeping. This morning I woke up and was awake and ready to get up for the day. It was very, very cool. I think it’s partly this bed and that it’s pretty comfortable. I don’t do well on beds that are too soft or too hard. I’d take one that’s too hard over one that’s too soft though.

Yay, meditation retreat today! I tried to find an AA meeting tonight, but failed. I should have emailed to confirm the location. I found where the meeting was supposed to be without any problems. Once there, some guy told me the meeting had been moved to a different location. He gave me directions to the other location, but I couldn’t seem to find it. I turned around and walked back to the square where the NA guys hang out. There were a few guys from last night hanging out there. We drank tea and talked. It was nice. I really like all of them. They are so friendly and it’s nice to just hang out in a group of people. I hope to see more of them. There is also an NA convention in India in September. A bunch of the NA Nepal guys are going and I’d really like to join them. It’s on the beach area of India. I think they are going to take the train. I’ve been hoping to visit India and this would give me the opportunity to travel with some other people – at least for part of that journey. Thankfully it’s not for almost 2 months so I’ve got some time to think about it and organize a visa if I decide to go. I really think I should. It could be an awesome, life changing experience.

I’ve also been sending lots of emails to people – trying to reconnect. I’ve been hearing back from them little by little which is really nice. I need to get better about responding to emails. Some of these were nearly 3 weeks old which is simply unacceptable.

A teacher from a writing class I took a couple years ago gave me some great advice. She made the point that it’s sometimes hard to see how an experience or situation resonates with your being while you’re having it. It’s not until you step out of it that you can reflect more on how it’s affected you. I’m going to keep that in mind as I continue to ponder my return to the United States.

It’s inevitable I’ll go back. I talked to my mom tonight and told her I’m thinking that might not be until December. Now I feel bad because I know she was hoping to have me closer sooner than that. Things here are inexpensive and I think I could really enjoy bumming around for a while and learn a lot while growing and developing spiritually. I’m grateful for the fantastic opportunity ahead of me.

Ok, it’s time to go to bed. I’ll be getting up somewhat early in the morning and it’s getting late here. I will also not be updating anything for the 10 days I’ll be there because I won’t have access to the internet. It’ll be strange not to do morning pages, too. I’ve really grown to enjoy them and it’s about 11 months I’ve been doing them every morning now. I’m also really glad that I took up updating things on here, too. I missed several months while in China which sucks, but at least I’ve got them recorded in morning pages.

Time to be done! Goodnight KP!

Today was fantastic. In the morning I met J and walked to a temple. We met at 8:30 and I really, really wanted to keep sleeping at that time. Walking through the city in the morning was intense. There were people everywhere and lots and lots of honking horns. Most of the streets are very narrow and not fully paved so there was a procession of cars and motorbikes going by the whole time – each honking it’s horn while it moves past you. I really didn’t like it much. Afterwards I came back to my hotel and took a nap and relaxed. The room at my guesthouse is super peaceful.

I went to an NA meeting this afternoon at 4 pm. There’s actually quite a bit of NA in Nepal. They had 4 meetings tonight, but one was just for women. The meeting was primarily attended by Nepalese guys who were all very nice. They seemed to speak varying degrees of English so some of the meeting was in English, but most of it was in Nepalese. It was still nice to be at a meeting. There was also a nice Irish guy at the meeting who gave me some advice and showed me to where the NA people hang out in the city. They sit and chat by this square a lot before and after meetings. I think they are there all throughout the day, actually. It was really great to just hang out in a group of people. I also drank some of the milk tea which is so delicious. I really, really like it, but it’s got some caffeine in it which winds me up a bit. I’ll have to watch that.

I didn’t eat much throughout the day so tonight I gorged on Indian food. I ate butter chicken with garlic naan. It was so good. I could eat that everyday and be happy. I drank ginger tea with it which was also amazing. The total came to 430 rupees which is less than $5. Wow.

There’s something inside me that needs to come out. In some way, it needs to be expressed. Alanis songs keep coming up on my ipod when I have it on shuffle. I love her Unplugged album that made it into my hands so long ago. It’s got such a powerful emotion to it that speaks to my soul. I want to try to do something like that myself. If I focused on the writing it probably wouldn’t even take that long. This needs to come up so that I can heal myself and leave it behind me finally and forever. I hope that my higher power has that in store for me. I could block off a lot of time in Pokhara or somewhere else to make it happen.

I made it to Kathmandu. The flights weren’t really that bad and getting through customs and to the guesthouse was much easier than I anticipated it being. It feels like a much poorer version of China or Thailand. I think I’ll be really grateful when the meditation retreat starts on Friday. It’s not going to take me long to feel totally over Thamel where I’m staying in Kathmandu. Once the retreat is over I plan to head to Pokhara. I can bum around there for a while and find somewhere to stay. It looks really beautiful and is hopefully more peaceful than Kathmandu.

I slept for a couple hours when I got here, but I’m super tired right now. I’m grateful I get to go to bed. Maybe I’ll even manage to get my sleep schedule back on track a bit. That would be a miracle. I suppose I’m in need of one, though.

It’s time. Time to stop running and face my fears. It’s time to really consider what my dreams are and what I want my life to look like. It’s time to heal from the trauma in my 20s and let that go. It’s something that happened to me, it doesn’t define who I am. I’m a fun, vibrant young(ish) man who’s got an amazing life ahead of me. I need to start living it and getting serious about how that’s going to unfold. The world is my oyster!

I feel unprepared for Nepal. I booked a place to stay earlier tonight, but I’m not really sure where it is or how to get there in a taxi when I arrive. I also came home with the intention of getting all packed so that tomorrow I can have a relaxing morning as I get ready to leave. Of course, I came home and sat here and dicked around online for many hours while thinking about how I should be packing. My flight isn’t until the evening so I’ll have time to get everything ready in the morning/afternoon before I have to leave, but I’d really hoped to get it taken care of sooner. I won’t be surprised at all if I end up being super rushed tomorrow and getting stressed out as I’m blindly throwing things into backpacks and suitcases. I don’t like doing things like that, but I seem incapable of changing. It’s really not going to take me too long to get everything sorted in the morning, but it’s certainly going to take longer than I figure. I’m still not quite sure how I’m going to adjust from staying up until 3 or 4 am to getting up at 4 am while on the meditation retreat in Nepal. It’s not going to be a lot of fun. I suppose I’ll get through it, just like everything else. But, that brings up a good question: Why am I just getting through things instead of thriving and feeling happy and fulfilled?

I’ve mostly said goodbye to the city. I was thinking about it earlier tonight and it’s not that I don’t want to leave this city that has me bummed. I’m ready to go and staying longer doesn’t hold a major appeal for me, but what I think I’m most bummed about is that when I came I’d hoped to find something really great here and to build a life – at least for a while – that was really happy. I didn’t find that here. I learned, I grew and I enjoyed myself (at times), but I wouldn’t say that I thrived here by any means. I think it’s the loss of that hope, or rather the realization that hope isn’t going to make it to fruition, that has me bummed out. It’s not the leaving, it’s that things didn’t work out.

I was reading about Nepal earlier and it sounds like it’s going to be a nightmare at the airport tomorrow. I pray that everything goes as well as possible. I’m excited to be there and think I’ll really like the meditation retreat.

I’ve reached a breaking point with the food stuff. I feel like I weigh a hundred million pounds. I look like I weigh a hundred million pounds. I feel uncomfortable and gross all the time about my body. The heat and humidity certainly don’t help at all, either, but I need to get this under control. I would really like to lose a little weight before going back to the US and feel better about how I look. I hope I can quit bingeing on sweets and start eating better all around. Nepal presents a new opportunity to eat more responsibly – one that I certainly hope I can take advantage of. I’m so sick of the way things are right now.

Ok, off tomorrow evening. I’m apprehensive, but really excited as well. My friend J who I met in Istanbul when I first arrived is going to be in Kathmandu for a few days when I get there. I’m really grateful he will hopefully be able to help me with the lay of the land. It’s quite possible it’ll be nuts and I’ll want to bolt nearly immediately. I’m going to stay at least through the end of the meditation retreat. Hopefully longer.

I enjoyed my second to last day in Istanbul. I’ve been a little stressed about leaving. I realize this has less to do with leaving and more to do with the uncertainty of the situation I’ll find myself in once I reach Nepal. A part of me is beyond excited to go and has really high hopes for the meditation program. Another part of me wants to sit and eat chocolate, cookies and Turkish candy all day long to make myself feel better about this situation. Actually, that sounds very much like how tonight went. Hmm.

Nepal is going to be amazing. And, if I choose, it can be a short trip as well. Just because I plan to get a 3 month visa doesn’t mean I need to stay there for 3 months. Although, if I like it I certainly could.

I still feel like I’m 32 years old and that my life doesn’t have any direction. It’s a really difficult place to be. I don’t have a career or any idea how I’m going to meaningfully support myself in the long run. I’m really hoping Nepal can provide some clear view of the situation ahead and what I want to pursue. I have so many interests it’s difficult to make a decision.

I had a nice day today. At times I slipped into this place that felt almost like a power greater than myself was trying to lure me into. A place where everything had meaning and purpose. I have a suspicion it’s not actually any different from the world in which I regularly reside, but for some reason my mind, body and emotions start to process this world in a way that everything feels connected. It’s the oddest thing. Of course this has happened in the past, sometimes for quite extended periods of time. It’s beautiful to see and process the world that way. Unfortunately the last time, about a year ago, the feeling came to an end. It always seems to. I’d really love to live in that place. I’m just not sure how to make that happen. I hope the resources I need to have that happen become available and I’m able to utilize them. It’s such a magnificent experience.

I went to Bursa with Yv today. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed the trip. I’m glad that I didn’t go by myself and that we just went for the day. I don’t have anything planned for tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s my second to last full day in Istanbul. I’m going to do a few things and I’d really like to get whatever I’m going to try to send back to the US sent back. I have decided that I’ll take the jacked with to Nepal because I’ll maybe want one there since it gets cold in the mountains. Tomorrow I’m going to do some more preparation for packing and determine which suitcase I’ll bring and all of that. I suppose when I get to Nepal I could probably buy a knockoff backpack as well. It might be easier than trying to roll a suitcase down the dusty, dirty streets. I’ll see about that when I get there. I’m really hoping to bring less stuff rather than more, though and I need to see how it’s all going to fit in my luggage. I don’t need any surprises on Sunday (or Monday) when I finally finish all the packing.

Ok, time for bed. I’m excited I’ll be asleep tonight earlier than the last few nights. Tomorrow I’m going to relax and say goodbye to this magnificent city. Soon I’ll be off again to a new, unfamiliar place. I’m quite excited, but also feel ready to go home. Perhaps I’ll be doing that in not too long. Who knows.

I had a strange coincidence tonight. I randomly decided to visit the newspaper for Minneapolis online. There wasn’t much to read that interested me, but I ended up clicking on a couple real estate listings. I then decided to search for houses and look for a minute. I stumbled across a house I’ve been in love with for the longest time. I remember the first time I saw it. I was walking from work to a writing class I was taking at the time. The house is located in downtown Minneapolis on a a little bit of a side road. At first I wasn’t even sure it was a house. It’s got a tremendous amount of curb appeal and decided that someday I must own it. Today while looking at places online I clicked on one and realized while looking at the pictures that it was the same house. It’s amazingly beautiful on the inside. More so than I would have imagined. It’s also $2.7M which puts it $2.7M above my price range. Blergh.

So this was all just a strange coincidence. I’m not sure how to interpret it. I think one of the messages is that I should be writing more and trying to write and produce things for an audience. I think I’d be pretty good at it if I started to really work at it. I’ve been interested in writing for a while now, too. I’m not sure what else it means, or if I’m just reading into it all too much.

I should be in bed already and I’m annoyed that I’m not. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow to try to get some stuff mailed back to the US. I’m not sure if the post office here is open on the weekend or not, but since I fly out on Monday I’ve really got to mail this stuff tomorrow. I’m hoping to run over there in the morning and get it all taken care of… I’m not really sure what the odds are of me making it there in the morning. I’m hoping for the best though because I really need to get this taken care of tomorrow. I don’t want to have to mess with it on Monday before I leave since I’ll have to pack and do other things on Monday. The post office might be open on Saturday or Sunday which would actually be pretty awesome. That way I could still send it this weekend and not have to rush around tomorrow or Monday. I’m planning to go to Bursa with Yv and we are meeting in the morning. At this rate I’m not going to get much sleep tonight which will probably make for a long day tomorrow.

I’m really bummed to be leaving Istanbul, but I’m also really excited for Nepal. I know that staying here wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I don’t really like my living situation that much and I have no way of supporting myself. Plus, the city is expensive and I’m finding myself spending a lot of money right now. It’s good all around that I’m leaving and I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier. At least I’ve got something cool to look forward too. Nepal is going to be a really great adventure. I did some research today and found a place in Pokhara I could stay for a while. It looks beautiful and away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I just want some place with a beautiful view where I can recharge and spend some time drawing, meditating and staring at the beautiful mountains. Kind of like my time in Pia in Thailand, but much longer and drawn out.

My plan for Nepal, which really excites me, is to fly to Kathmandu next Monday and then spend the next couple days before the start of my meditation retreat relaxing and doing some sightseeing. After the 10 day retreat I’m going to spend a day or two in Kathmandu to get my bearings, and then head to Pokhara. From there I’m not really sure what I’ll do, but I’m thinking about spending a good chunk of time relaxing in Pokhara. I’d really like to be somewhere beautiful where I can meditate, read, draw, stare at the mountains and eat delicious food. I hope to find that in Pokhara. Ideally some place away from the chaos in the city. From there I could plan a long or short trek and then even do another meditation program in September. There is another 10 day retreat that’s at a different monastery I’d like to check out as well. Wow, it’s going to be so amazing! If I like the first retreat I can probably do another one there as well. I have a lot of options, anyway.

I didn’t have to super productive day, but it was somewhat productive and for that I’m grateful. I worked on an application I’ve been meaning to get started. I got quite a bit of it done, too. My goal is to finish and submit it before I leave for Nepal. The application process can take 9 months to a year and I’d really like to get the ball rolling on things. I also spent some time trying to figure out what I’m going to take with me, what I’ll leave here and what I’m going to send home. I think I’ll send a few things home. I should really try to do that on Friday. My flight isn’t until the evening on Monday, but I’m not going to be happy if Monday is spent stressfully running around the city trying to figure out a place I can mail some belongs home. It’s also possible it’ll be really expensive to send things to the States in which case I’ll maybe decide to travel with more stuff or leave it here. I’d prefer to find that out sooner rather than later.

I met a guy tonight for dinner that I met when I first got here. He’s really nice, but physically he’s not really my type. Otherwise I’d definitely sleep with him. I’ve avoided hanging out with him because he always wants to meet at his place. I’d love to hang out and relax with him there if it didn’t turn into him wanting to have sex and me not wanting to. We got dinner and then went to a coffee place tonight and I enjoyed the conversation and spending time with him. He’s a super nice guy.

Ok, time to go to bed. I’m meeting Yv tomorrow and we are going to Prince’s Islands. I’m really excited about the adventure. We get to take the ferry for a super long time and wander around a beautiful island. What could be better? I always have a great time with Yv, too. I’m really looking forward to it.

If I’m in bed within the next 20 minutes it’ll be the first time I’ve been in bed before midnight for weeks. Weeks and weeks! I’m excited to get more sleep tonight. I’ve been going to bed late – 2-3 am. A few nights this week have gotten even later than that. I’d really like to be on a more normal sleep schedule again.

I had a really fun day today with Yv. We wandered around a neighborhood called Aksaray today and then went to the Grand Bazaar and the Spice Market. It’s difficult to think that I won’t be able to do those things again because I’m leaving seen. She’s great company. I’m not sure I would make it there on my own before leaving so I’m glad that she wanted to go. It’s way more fun to do things with someone else.

I’m going to really miss this city. Of course there are things that I won’t miss, but there are so many things that I will miss. It’s such a beautiful city and there are attractive men all around. I’m excited and looking forward to Nepal, but that’s going to be a much different experience from this. I’m also excited and ready to go home.

I’ve got a couple other things on my mind to pursue going forward. I really have no desire to get another stodgy finance job. I think I’ll apply for the Peace Corps and see about that. I’d also like to look further into studying something in India. I think Eastern Philosophy would be a great thing to study, but there are many other things I might decide I want to learn more about. I’ve got a shitload of interests. I definitely plan to take a look and see. Studying in India could be really awesome. Plus, it would be inexpensive and quite an adventure. I really like this idea!

I was really hoping I’d be in bed a long time ago. I felt tired earlier and it seemed like it was definitely going to happen, but then I somehow managed to fritter away my time. A lot of it was spent chatting on this stupid gay app. I don’t understand why I’m doing it, either. Probably because I’m lonely, but it’s totally stupid because it’s unlikely I’ll meet any of these guys. Some of them are super hot and I’m horny so meeting someone for sex would be something I’d do right now, but I’m also so out of shape and have such a low body image right now I’d never send someone naked or shirtless pics of myself and that’s pretty much a requirement of any online hookup these days. It wasn’t just a couple years back, but now it seems to definitely be that way. Maybe it’s just because I’m in Turkey.

I had a great day. I finally went to Topkapi Palace which was amazing. I really liked it, except some of the tiling was a little much. I’m going to meet Y tomorrow after I go into the school to finish up everything. I hope they don’t try to fuck me over on the pay. I really don’t think they will. I’m going to miss her. We’ve only been hanging out for a short while, but she seems like a kindred spirit. I wish I’d met her sooner.

I’m excited for Nepal. I’m glad that I have everything booked as far as flights and the meditation thing goes. I still need to figure out a place to stay once I get there, but I don’t imagine that will be too tough. It’s going to be really sad to leave Istanbul. I was excited to leave Thailand and excited to leave China, but leaving here is a different story. I figure I can always come back. And in all likelihood, I will. Hopefully when I’ve got some more flexibility as far as my job and income are concerned. I know I’m going to figure that out eventually. I’m not cut out for a normal, 9 to 5 job.