I need to get my eating under control. I’ve been eating a lot and don’t feel good about my weight right now. I’d love to start exercising with more regularity and lose some weight. I miss feeling desirable. I don’t remember the last time I felt attractive and confident.

I’m horny and need to mess around. There are hot Turkish guys everywhere. Everywhere! I think tomorrow I’m going to go to ‘cinema.’ It could be a very interesting experience. I hope it is anyway.

I got to Antalya earlier tonight. I found the pension right as the sun was setting. It’s a pretty city at night – especially the old city. I’m excited to see more of it during the day. From what I saw before the sun went down tonight it is very beautiful.

I called K from the airport and told him I won’t be able to continue working for his school. He didn’t ask me too many questions. I told him I’d found another job and that I was going to pursue that. I expected him to ask more questions and want more details on everything, but he was pretty quick to say ok and leave it at that. I don’t know why I made it out to be such a big deal. Telling him has been hanging over my head for the last couple of days. I’m grateful to have finally taken care of that.

I’m off to bed now. I’ll waked up in the morning and have my first full day in Antalya. I’m not really sure what I’ll do. It’ll probably involve a lot of walking around and maybe some fooling around. Perhaps a lot of fooling around. Who knows….

I had a really great day today. It was extremely busy. I’m grateful that I get to go to bed soon. I’m also grateful I am flying to Antalya tomorrow for some fun and relaxation.

I taught this morning and then ran two speaking clubs this evening. The teaching went better than yesterday. Much better than yesterday, now that I think about it. The morning class was still difficult at times, but I got through it and even managed to have a little fun teaching. I greatly enjoyed the speaking clubs I did this evening, too. I think the students had a pretty fun time as well. A couple of them after class thanked me and told me what a fun time they had. It was so strange to find myself teaching and actually enjoying it. During the break in speaking clubs I found myself walking around smiling and just happy. It’s been so long since I had joy – like true joy in my life. It was really powerful to feel that after teaching today. I hope that I like the other job and situation as much as this one. I think that I will. Actually, I might even like it more because there will be more structure and I’ll feel better compensated for it all. I’m really looking forward to starting and putting in some real time towards this teaching. I know I could be a good teacher and get a lot out of it. That’s what I’m really looking forward to.

And yay! I’m off to Antalya tomorrow. What could be better?

It’s strange – unfamiliar, really, to like my life. What a wonderful gift.

I’ve had a good day. I got up early and made it to the school in Kadikoy. The first class was a bit difficult to get through. I was told that the class was on unit 6, but found out in the morning 5 minutes before it started that I was actually on unit 7. I hadn’t really prepared very much, but I had reviewed and familiarized myself with what I thought I would be teaching. Walking into class and teaching modal verbs from the book wasn’t the easy thing I’ve ever done, but I got through it. I feel bad that class was pretty boring for the students – mostly me saying “now do this exercise” as I was trying to use the teacher’s book to figure out what the hell I was actually teaching. Hopefully tomorrow will go better. I also ended up teaching a speaking club in the afternoon that I enjoyed quite a bit.

I’ve been thinking today about how I had a difficult day, but my mood was much better than normal. I think it’s in large part because I’ve been busy and have felt useful and like I’m accomplishing something. It’s also nice to be able to joke around with the students and have fun which I got to do a lot more in speaking club this afternoon. I hope that tomorrow goes well, too. I have every reason to think that it well. I’m not well prepared for the morning class (I’m exhausted from today), but I’ll have a little time to review in the morning before teaching and I’m not willing to put a lot of time into it based on how today went.

I also heard back from the woman who interviewed me for the other job. She said that they would like to move forward with my application. She said that she would send a contract early next week. I got the news shortly after getting to school in the morning and it really brightened my spirits. I’m curious to see what the pay is, but I am confident it will be more than I expected before arriving in Turkey as far as pay is concerned. The job also offers paid vacation, holidays, health insurance and they are going to do most of the work to process my residence permit. I really don’t think that I’d be able to stay in Istanbul without major help from a school in getting my residence permit processed so it’s all pretty great. I hope the pay is adequate. I should find out soon enough. If it’s not enough I can always try to negotiate as well. It’s a great relief to finally have a definitive sign that everything on that end really is working out. This last month has given me a lot to think about as far as how my mood is affected by things and affects things. I’ve been at wits end this past month and really, all I had to do was chill out and let everything fall into place. I’ve just got a lot to think about and reflect on in that regard. It’s been a great, interesting and frustrating learning experience.

I got my haircut tonight. I walked in with the intention of asking how much a haircut cost right off the bat, but I was motioned into a chair and just let things happen after that. I ended up getting ripped off (by a lot) on the haircut. I should have called the guy out on it, but instead I just paid the bill and left. I’ll never go back there, of course, but it’s like I knew this was happening and I still didn’t say anything. I just allowed myself to get taken advantage of. I’m kind of pissed at myself about it. I also realize it’s a learning experience and now that it’s happened once I’ll be more vocal next time and certainly make sure to find out the price of the service before just sitting down. So in that regard, I can chalk it up to a learning experience and know that as a result next time I really will do things differently. And really, I will. I won’t let myself get ripped off like that again. I sometimes let down my guard, but I guess I just need to keep in mind that I can’t do that here. Especially when I’m doing things I’m not that familiar with.

And with that I’m off to bed. I’ll be getting up early again to teach in the morning. It should be easier since I’ll get getting such a better night’s sleep.

I slept in today. Since yesterday was an off day – both mentally and physically, I was fine sleeping in until a little past 11 am. I was up late so it really wasn’t sleeping excessively. Plus, it’s nice to have more relaxing days.

I went to the meeting tonight which was nice. Afterwards we did fellowship where we always do fellowship, which was kind of annoying. I would have eaten something, but the restaurant is expensive. Instead I spent a lot on a glass of fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. It tasted great, but I kind of wish they would start doing fellowship somewhere else.

A guy in the program plays for a band and some of the other people went to see him perform tonight. I joined them. It was fun to see a bit of the Istanbul nightlife. I just don’t go out like that anymore. I ended up talking to a nice girl from the UK and she gave me teaching advice which was appreciated. All in all it was a fun night. I’m grateful to have my head in a better place than it’s been these last few days. Everything is in the process of working out. I can, and will, allow God to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

I’m still hoping to hear back from this woman I interviewed with yesterday. If she offers me a job I’ll take it. If not I’ll most likely leave here after my tourist visa runs out. I really can’t imagine trying to figure out the residence permit on my own. It sounds like no one really knows what the new rules are and I’ve also heard that I need things I don’t have – like health insurance. An employer to coordinate those things would be great. Anyway, I guess my point is that I should start taking a closer look at where I’ll go when this is done. I’ve been here over a month which means it very well could be sooner rather than later and the more prepared I am the better. I haven’t thought so much about it, but perhaps I could go to Beirut or another country and chill for a while. I could also finally run off to India/Nepal and do that for several months. That would be pretty cool. I’m grateful that I have time to think about it, but I’d rather not back myself into a corner again and then choose someplace because I’ve got no where else to go. I suppose I could also fly to Thailand and bum around there for a month and then head to India from Thailand. It’s a cheap flight. But, I’ve also got to get an Indian visa. Blergh. Ok, so I guess I’ve proven I’ve got a lot to think about. That’s for sure. And really, if a decent job comes through that will coordinate the work visa I’ll stay. It’s very likely I could find one of those if I just gave it a try.

I am teaching in the morning. I’m not very excited about this. Partly because I’ll end up being tired for the class since it’s getting late now. I’m also not really prepared to teach. The woman who does the coordinating emailed me the unit that I’ll be teaching. I just sat down and looked at it – part of it, rather. I was told to teach about an hour a page so in a 4 hour class I’ll go over roughly 4 pages. The unit from the book is 10 pages long. I really can’t lesson plan or get too familiar with it when I don’t know what 4 pages out of those 10 I’ll even be teaching. This isn’t such a huge problem because I didn’t really want to spend much time lesson planning. The pay is low and I’m not interested in putting a lot of time outside of class into preparing for class. I hate to say that, but it’s simply the way I feel. I’ll see how tomorrow goes and then maybe spend more time preparing for my classes on Sunday. I think I’ll like teaching adults. Hopefully that goes well. If not, I’ll quit and it won’t be much skin off my back.

I had a much better day today. I went to an interview with a school that has much better pay and seems to be pretty well organized. I liked the woman who interviewed me. I hope that she offers me a job. The school would offer me health benefits which I need to get a residence permit and they’d also help me get the residence permit processed. I might run into problems getting a residence permit processed without leaving Turkey, but I hope that doesn’t turn out to be the case. I’m still a little apprehensive about the actual teaching, but that should go alright.

I was just looking at the book I’ll be using for the classes that I’m teaching this weekend. It’s going to take me a while to familiarize myself with everything. Hopefully it won’t take too long. Since the pay is quite low I’m not really willing to commit a lot of time preparing for class, but I also don’t want to screw over the students who are their because they want to learn English and have paid what I’m sure is quite a bit of money for the class. I only have one class on Saturday so tomorrow I will review everything for that class. On Sunday I have one class and 2 speaking clubs. The speaking clubs might be a little more difficult. I’d like the students to learn something, but it’s tough because it’s basically unstructured time I’ll have to fill. I think if I come up with a topic I can then elicit words or phrases that we use to talk about that topic and after putting the words on the board give the students a bunch of different questions they can ask each other. That should work.

My stomach has been upset all day and I’ve had diarrhea. I’m not sure if it’s something I ate that didn’t agree with me, or if the stress of these last few days is the culprit. I hope that tomorrow is better.

I finally booked a flight to Antalya. I was immediately struck with remorse and guilt after booking it. I haven’t purchased a place to stay while I’m there yet. It’s possible I’ll get up tomorrow and decide to cancel the flight. I know it would be good for me to extricate myself from this situation for a few days and Antalya seems like an economical way of doing that. I’m stuck in this terrible cycle of not trying or doing much and then I feel terrible about myself for not trying. I’m in the thick of it now, though, which makes it nearly impossible to actually proceed past and make some meaningful change.

On a brighter note, I did go for a ‘run’ this afternoon. That I greatly enjoyed. I walked a lot of it, but I also ran for spurts. I know if I continue running I’ll get to a point where I’m walking less and less. I’ve been here a month and haven’t done anything more strenuous than walking since I got here. I’ve also become exceptionally focused on my discontent with my body image right now. I know that it’s just a symptom of how out of control I feel like the rest of my life is. I wouldn’t feel so bad about it if I felt financially secure. Blergh.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day that could be better than today. A day filled with hope and promise. It’s really what I make of it.

If life were always easy we’d never learn, grow and change. I want to learn, grow and change. The challenge of right now will facilitate that. I’ve got some things to do tomorrow and I’m hoping to get out of bed earlier or at least get a better step on the day. Actually, now that I think about it, I could run to the school and pay for the class. That’s maybe what I should do. Hmm. I’ll investigate further in the morning.

I am excited about Antalya. It’ll be great to get away for a few days.

Oh shit, I just realized that I have to send C in Germany 5 pages by Thursday. Or, did we say on Thursday? Now I can’t remember. I should be fine if I email it to her on Thursday. I’ll work on 5 pages tomorrow. I should have plenty of time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Not super overwhelmed, but enough that it’s keeping me from being able to enjoy myself because I feel like there’s this thing, this unresolved something that even though I’m not focused on won’t allow me to truly enjoy whatever moment I’m currently in. It’s frustrating. I don’t know how to escape this feeling. I mean really, I’m not in that terrible of a position. I’ll have some money coming in soon and I’ve got the whole week free. It’s really cool to have the whole week free. I’m excited about that.

I met a guy tonight who I’ve been chatting with for a while. A week or two ago I told him we’d might as well just call off meeting altogether. He messaged me today and I responded. We got dinner and then dessert twice. I enjoyed hanging out with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. He’s not really my type. Plus, I feel like I’m beluga whale heavy right now which makes dating off limits.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Like a super awesome great day! Plus, tomorrow is Reiki share day. Yay! It’ll be happening while I sleep and then in the morning I’ll participate. How awesome is that? I’m super excited about it. I also saw a Reiki place in Kadikoy I’d like to check out. I plan to do that soon.

This money thing is just so annoying because I feel like all the paths I know I could use towards gaining an income don’t appeal to me. And not only do they not appeal to me, I don’t feel like I could even bear to do them for even a short period. I just can’t anymore. I feel a real aversion to any of them. I hope that means another path will be presented and I’ll be able to take advantage of that. I mean really, a lot of doors have closed. Another has to be opening shortly, right?

I more or less slept all day. I woke up in the morning and decided to practice Reiki and fell asleep again until the afternoon. I was in bed for a long time. I’m hoping to get up early tomorrow and have a more productive day.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time this evening doing next to nothing productive online. I’ve looked at apartments I won’t rent and checked out vacations I probably won’t take. I did find some flights to Cyprus next week that would be totally doable. I’m not sure I’m up for a vacation on my own, though. Cyprus looks really beautiful. I’ll maybe do some research as to how difficult it is to travel around and where I would go. What I most need to find out is if it would be easy for me to fly there and then get to a hotel easily on a beach somewhere. Hmm. The flights are cheap and the place looks beautiful. I almost feel like I have to do it- especially after the disappointment after deciding not to make Greece happen. I’ll take a look tomorrow and see if I come up with anything. It would be really awesome to go.

I was on the Asian side earlier today. I was in between classes and happened on some stationary/art stores. I went in and looked at pens. It’s so hard to find red ones that I like. The cheap ones always work best. The gel and rolling ones make it difficult to shade well. As I was looking at pens, I was struck with such a strong desire to write.

I’ve found this last month difficult. I’ve been feeling bad about not writing and starting a blog. I feel like I should be trying to write short stories and doing this and that. What I really want to focus on is drawing and creating art. It’s what interests me the most right now. It feels like writing would be a likelier path to a secondary income, but really it might be the art that leads me there. I’d create the art for nothing, though. I just love to do it. I hope to spend some time drawing tomorrow. How fun would that be? I’ve got nothing I have to do tomorrow (aside from sleeping in!). Woot woot!

I enjoyed the two classes today. If I do them again I’ll be more prepared and try to run them differently. It was a bit tough getting through the first one which was longer. I thought I was just supposed to chat and talk for the whole time. I didn’t realize that the students go to several of them a week at the school. Apparently they are usually taught vocabulary and other things during the speaking clubs. Oh well. The second one went better because we played a game which the students seemed to enjoy.

I might like this teaching. I liked the students and found myself having fun with it. I hope that continues. It’s great to have the whole week off. If only I was making more money working on the weekend. Financially things will work out. And really, I’m ok with withdrawing from my old retirement account for a while. If I want I can find more full time hours this fall when the hiring picks back up. It’s also possible I’ll be able to pick up some private students before then and continue working part-time at this school and bridging the gap in my income with private lessons. That’s all going to work out somehow. I could really see myself staying here a while and liking it a lot.

I had a really fun time skyping with my parents this evening. I’m so lucky to have such great parents and to enjoy such a nice relationship with them. They also gave me some money which I could have turned down, but I’m stressed about money so I pretty much caved and accepted it right away. Everything is going to work out beautifully on that front. I’m super excited to see how it all falls into place, too. It’s going to be an amazing ride!