I spent most of the morning focused on being homesick and how much I miss the United States. A friend of mine called and I basically unloaded on him which was probably not what he was expecting. In truth, I’ve been kind of a mess lately. My days are very up and down – good then bad. At times I feel like everything is good and I like it here and would like to stay for a while. At other times I feel overwhelmed with this job and being in another new city and want nothing more than to bail and head back to the US. It doesn’t help that I’m also quite lonely and wish I was living somewhere I could date. I’m also ready to pursue something more – like comedy in some form, or maybe some kind of writing. I sometimes think that would be easier to do in the US with a strong social network behind me. I do much better when I have close friends nearby.

I am not teaching any classes tomorrow. I am going to observe another teacher teach one of his classes. I think that will be good. I’ve never taught a one to one and I think it might prove to be more difficult than I’d imagined. An hour and a half class is a lot of time to fill. I’m also hoping to make it to the mall and buy some more clothes after the class. I need a new pair of pants or two and some short sleeve shirts I can teach in. I bought a few button down ones last week, but I’d like to get some more. I don’t really want to tuck in all of my shirts and if I buy some regular polo shirts I can hopefully avoid that.

It was cold outside when I walked home, but now it feels pretty warm in my apartment. I’m going to bed in just a minute. I looked for a second on craigslist and there are many places for rent on craigslist. I think I’ll be able to find something that works better for me. Ideally I’d like nice flatmates and a shorter commute to the school. I think I can find that without too much trouble. I’m going to look more this weekend. I could even go and check a couple of places out this weekend. All in all, I’d say that things are looking up.

I had another busy day. It’s nice to be busy, but I have a feeling I might get burned out soon.

I taught a class tonight. It went pretty well and I actually enjoyed teaching a little bit. The students were nice and it was fun.

I just took a career assessment of some kind. I’d hoped to have it tell me what I should do for a career, but instead it tried to sell me something. It was pretty useless to spend 20 minutes choosing answers. What a waste.

Maybe I’ll do another one tomorrow. I really need to get serious about what I want to do. I might like this teaching and decide to stay, but I also might decide I hate it and that I’m going to bail very quickly. I guess we’ll see. I enjoyed it tonight, but it’s taking me a long time to prepare for my classes and I find preparing to be quite difficult. When I have a larger load of classes I think it’ll be really challenging to get them all prepared for. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and go into school in the afternoon. I deserve a day to be lazy(ish). I teach a class in the evening from 7-10 that I have to prepare for. Blergh.

It’s super hot in this room. I really, really need to figure out a new place to live. There has to be something I’d like better than this place. I’ll get serious about checking out craigslist this weekend.

I’m not sure I’m up for this job. It’s going to be a lot of work. Like, a lot of work. On the one hand it’s an opportunity to become a much better teacher – the school has resources and teacher development, but I was also there from 11 am until 10 pm tonight which was way too long. Tomorrow I will not be there for nearly as long. I am planning to watch a teacher from 1:30 pm until 2:30 pm and then one or two other teachers in the evening. I’ll be there at the latest until maybe 8 om which won’t be as bad, but the hours of this job are going to be kind of insane. I’ve also been scheduled my first one-to-one student. I’d be much more excited about it, but the hours are right away in the morning at 8 am until 9:30 am on Tuesday and Thursday. I will then have more classes in the evening from 7-10 pm. I don’t know what other hours I’ll be teaching on any other days. I guess we’ll see.

There’s a part of me that’s been wanting to go back home for the simple reason that I feel like I could pursue something cool in the United States. Like maybe my time abroad has come to an end, for now. If I was back in the United States I could be doing stand up comedy and taking writing classes. I could move back to NJ and try to pursue that or I could move to Chicago and take classes there. I don’t know. I would like to work hard and become really good at something. I know that moving back wouldn’t be ideal, but I’m not sure I can make this job and staying in Istanbul work. I’m also a little homesick, but that’s another story. Being able to date again would be awesome, too. I really want to be dating. I have started using a gay dating app again. I’ve been having conversations with a few different guys. I don’t really see myself dating anyone (or hooking up with anyone) until I’ve started working out again and feel better about my body. I’m going to find a gym to join near the school. Hopefully soon. That way I can get start exercising regularly again. I’m totally over this situation with my weight right now. I think today completes day 6 of no sugar… I’m really grateful for that.

I made it through my first day of work. It was ok. I mainly sat and listened to the DOS explain the school and other things about teaching there. I like her and she’s really nice, but she also seems very, very busy.

I’m teaching a class tomorrow. I’m not super excited about it. Actually, I’m not excited about it at all. I know it won’t be that bad, but I looked at the book before leaving and went through a “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this” moment. That wasn’t super fun. I really just need someone to sit down with me and say “this isn’t that hard” and explain things to me for 15 minutes. I think I’ll ask Deirdre to do that tomorrow. I hate to come across like I have no idea how to teach, but I kind of feel like I have no idea how to teach. Especially after teaching this weekend on the Asian side. I’m sure I’ll get used to it and will find it pretty easy, but for now it just feels daunting and overwhelming.

I went to the meeting tonight and the couple from Denver I met 6 weeks ago was back. It was really nice seeing them. I like them both a lot. They told me all about their trip to Greece and Croatia. I enjoyed listening to their stories and just shooting the shit for a while. All in all it was a great night.

I’ve started looking for a new place to live. I’m going to be having split shifts so a short commute to work would be an ideal situation. I hope that the shifts are at least morning and night. I’m going to get a little pissy if I have one class early morning, another in the afternoon and another in the evening all with at least a few hours in between them. I have a feeling that would seem like I never leave the school. I will, however, try to keep an open mind about all of this. I’m hoping to find a place nearby so I can run home if I have a break for a few hours. I also think I’ll try to join a gym near the school so that I can also go and workout between classes. I really like that idea. I’m sure it’ll all fall into place.

I have gotten up early the last 4 days in a row. I’m not used to doing that at all and I’ve been tired during the day because I’m not getting enough sleep at night. I’m also not taking naps, which is probably good. I’m grateful I get to sleep in a little later tomorrow. I’m off to bed in a minute and excited about finally getting to sleep for the day. I’d hoped to make it home for a nap before the meeting tonight, but I went shopping instead. I was able to find a few shirts and a new pair of pants. I think I’ll go shopping again tomorrow, too. I spent about $45 on a pair of pants and 2 short sleeve button up shirts. I’m happy with that.

I had a very long and busy day. I’ve been up and out of my apartment since I left for the Asian side at 8 am this morning. I got home around midnight.

I start my new job tomorrow. I’m excited. Well, excited isn’t quite the right word for what I’m feeling right now. It’ll be nice to have a nicer income and I’m actually looking forward to having less free time. I know this job will be quite a bit of work, but I’m also hoping for some support and the ability to become a better teacher. Teaching today was quite difficult, but a large part of that was because I didn’t really prepare for my classes.

I’m so excited for bed. I have to get up in the morning again, but I at least get to sleep in a little longer tomorrow. And I’ll probably only work for 4-5 hours tomorrow so I’ll have more downtime that I did today. Yay! I could use some downtime.

I have had a busy, full day. I taught this morning and then finally made it to the Istanbul Modern to watch a film. I’ve been meaning to go for a while now. It was fun.

I’m very tired because I was up late last night. I’m about ready for bed now and am looking forward to getting a better night’s sleep tonight. I’ve got one class in the morning and then 3 speaking clubs in the afternoon. I’m not really sure what I’ll do for the speaking club, but hopefully it’s fun. I like the speaking clubs. Last week went well, but I don’t think I want to play the same warmer game I played with them last week.

I’m going to accept this 9 month contract to teach for a school here in Istanbul. I’m excited and I think it’ll be good. If nothing else, it’s only 9 months. I don’t have anything else planned or lined up so if I decided not to take it or go back to the US I don’t have a clue what I’d do. I’m excited to commit to staying here for a while. Soon I plan to start looking for different accommodations. This place has worked well, but it doesn’t quite feel like home. Maybe that will change.

All in all today was a good day. I’m exhausted because I didn’t get much sleep last night and successfully avoided taking a nap. My bed is calling.

I made it back to Istanbul earlier this afternoon. It’s nice to be back. This city feels like home. I also got the contract about the teaching job. The pay is lower than I’d hoped it would be. I sent an email back tonight with a list of questions. One of them was asking if the pay is negotiable at all and stating my case for getting a higher monthly salary. I’m not sure how that will be received, but I figure the worst thing that will happen is that I’ll be told ‘no.’ I can handle being told no. I feel like such an adult. Negotiating on contracts and figuring out how to make staying in Turkey work. Who knows, maybe I’m finally becoming one.

I’m teaching in the morning. It should be ok. I’m not really prepared for it, but I also don’t feel like putting much effort into it right now. I’ll be able to review some stuff in the morning. It’s late now and I’m tired. Blergh I’ve got to get up really early. To be at the school by 9:30 I have to leave my apartment at 8 am. I end up having a little extra time once I get to the Asian side, but with how the ferries run that’s the only choice I have. I think, anyway. I’m looking forward to finding a new place to live. Preferable somewhere a little quieter and nicer. This place has been good for me as a landing pad, but long-term it doesn’t feel like home. I’m excited about the prospect of finding something new and more fitting for me. It’s ok if I have roommates.

I enjoyed my final day in Antalya. I had another lazy(ish) morning. I actually woke up around 9 am though and have been awake ever since. I didn’t get out of bed right away because I seldom do, but I did wake up then. I ate breakfast, meditated and then went to the beach. I walked forever all along the beach. I had intended on finding a nice spot where I could rent a beach chair and read a book in the shade of an umbrella, but all of those spots were playing loud music so I just kept walking. I finally walked far enough down the beach that there were nearly no people. It was nice. I swam quite a bit, laid in the sand and listened to podcasts while taking in the beautiful mountain views. I stuck around for a really long time before walking back and grabbing the tram.

My mood and outlook was much better today than it has been. I think part of the reason why is because I didn’t allow myself to hit the snooze button for hours on end this morning. I really, really need to try to keep up that habit going forward. I hate having days where I feel hopeless and I’ve certainly been able to link those more to days that I don’t get up in the morning.

I’m excited to go back to Istanbul. It’s been fun being in Antalya these last few days, but it’ll be nice to be back. I emailed the woman this morning about the teaching position and she said that she was hoping to send me an offer letter later today, but I didn’t see anything come through from her. I just don’t quite know what to make of it. Hopefully she’ll send the letter tomorrow. If I haven’t seen it come through by the time I’m back in Istanbul I’ll start applying for other jobs as well. This might be a sign that this position isn’t the right one for me. Usually when things don’t come through easily and I start fretting over them it later turns out that it wasn’t a great opportunity anyway. I should maybe look into other jobs and just let this one pass. I’ll sleep on it and ask Liz for advice tomorrow.

I have a huge blister on my toe and it hurts like hell. I’ve also got to get up quite early in the morning. I am still not totally sure how I’m going to get back to the airport to catch my flight. I think I’ll try to retrace my steps back the way I came when I got here. The problem is I just sort of got off the bus when I saw it would only take me 1/2 hour to walk to the pension. I think I can make my way back, but it’s unlikely to be fun with how my toe feels when I walk. It’s pretty painful to walk a long distance, although I’ve walked some really long distances on it today. Maybe it’ll feel better tomorrow anyway.

I’m also not excited that it’s nearly 2 am now and I’ve got to get up in about 4 hours. It’ll be ok though. I’ll set an alarm and then wake up easily enough. I want to leave here by 7 am because I think that should be plenty of time to make it to the airport. I sure hope, anyway. Worst case scenario if I can’t find the bus stop that I need I’ll just flag down a cab and get to the airport that way. It’ll be more expensive, but better than missing my flight.

I got a much later start to the day than I had hoped. I kept hitting the snooze button which is always the kiss off death. It has some pretty major repercussions for the rest of the day, too. I think that my mood was off because I slept for so long last night and didn’t get up in the morning. I did finally make it outside and went to the beach. I walked along the boardwalk for a while and then went swimming. It was beautiful. I enjoyed that quite a bit, but I didn’t stay for too long because I then went to a meeting in the early evening.

I found myself stuck for a while today in this homesick what am I going to do mood. This place is beautiful, but I found it hard to enjoy myself. I did spend a lot of time outside looking at the gorgeous mountains in the distance. That I enjoyed very much.

While I was at a park looking at the mountains this guy struck up a conversation with me. I don’t know any Turkish and his English was pretty limited. I agreed to meet him later in the evening at 10 pm. I kind of figured he was there to hookup. I have read some things about guys having trouble getting assaulted or robbed in parks at night. Surprisingly, when I went to the park today trying to meet a guy was the last thing on my mind. I met him this evening and we ended up going to a place where he drank a couple beers. He wanted to rent a room in a different hotel near the old city because we couldn’t go back to either of the places we were staying. When the bill came for the beers (he drank two and I only had water) I got to pay. He said something about leaving his bank card in his hotel room. I then realized I was expected to pay for the hotel and that I was maybe getting hustled. We went for a short walk (looking for condoms…). I ended up telling him that I wasn’t up for it that night and no longer thought it was a good idea. He asked me for money for a taxi back to his hotel. He had initially told me it was close to where we were, but then wanted me to give him 60 lira for a taxi. Things just really didn’t add up. I refused to give him the money and walked away. I’m grateful I didn’t go to a hotel with him and end up getting robbed or stuck with the hotel bill. I figure paying for the beers was fine. It was nice to have some company.

Yeah, so I’m lonely. Blergh. I hate being lonely. If I get a job, some structure and am busy again that will really help. It’s tough having 5 days of not really doing anything. And I haven’t been doing any drawing lately, either. I miss drawing, but don’t have much desire to do it right now.

Today was spent in a dark, kinda gross cinema sucking off Turkish guys. I did get outside by the sea a little bit. I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty about it. It was a day well spent. I’ve been horny lately and have needed some kind of release. I probably didn’t need to spend as long as I did there, but I’m ok with how I spent today.

Tomorrow I am going to spend the day by the sea. I plan to make my way to the beach in the morning. I’ll leave my phone at the pension so that I don’t worry about someone stealing it. I bought some ziploc bags today that I can put some money into when I leave so that I can swim with the money in my pocket. That way I’ll only have to leave my shirt and shoes unattended while I’m swimming. I’m really looking forward to this. It’s going to be awesome. I’d also like to make it to some cool ruins around here. I asked about a tour today, but they are pretty expensive and I’m not sure a tour would be quite what I want to do. We’ll see. There is an AA meeting tomorrow I’d kind of like to make it to. It’s in the afternoon. Maybe someone at the meeting will have a suggestion or know of how I can get somewhere easily that won’t cost me a million dollars.

I also bought a couple new shirts today. I found 2 short sleeve button down shirts that fit me so I’m excited about that. I really, really need some new clothes. I’ll probably buy some more when I get back to Istanbul, too. So many of the clothes I’ve been wearing since leaving the US just need to be thrown away. I’ve been wearing them for years.

Ok, and with that I’m off to bed. Woot woot! I slept like shit last night so I’m hoping to get a better nights rest tonight. I’ll be in bed earlier so that will be nice at least.

I almost forgot! Last night I had a dream that I was staying somewhere and then there were mice on the floor and I was like “I’m not sure I can stay here anymore.” The next thing I know instead of mice there are scorpions walking all over the floor. I think I was in a hotel of some kind. It was strange, but it made me think about my current situation and that the paths I’d like to take (or the ones I’d consider walking down) are all scary because there are things that could potentially hurt me. Like I’m stuck at a standstill because I’m afraid if I choose something things will go very wrong. Anyway…..