I’ve got an infection in my leg which is a bummer, but I’m grateful that I have health insurance and work for a school that’s willing to help me out with going to the clinic. In a few days everything should be better.

I have now basically turned down every apartment that I’ve looked at. I texted the British woman today and told her it’s not going to work. That was definitely the right decision. I then talked to the other guy that has been waiting to hear back from me. I told him it’s not going to work, too, but I’m not as confident that was the right decision. That might have actually been the best apartment option I’ll get. I spoke with the DoS at our school today and she would really like to start getting the residence permit processed. I’d really like to move and be situated in a good place when that all happens. I’d rather not stay here. I know the perfect place is waiting for me. I’ve just got to be patient. I will look on craigslist again tomorrow and start sending out more emails and calling people to look at flats. Something great will become available.

I was supposed to teach two classes tonight, but they both ended up canceling. I also had my morning class cancel tomorrow which I’m super grateful for. I’m really glad I’ll get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay!

I’ve looked at quite a few apartments these last few days and I still don’t feel I’m close to finding a room to move into. Each place has some pretty severe drawbacks. I hope to get that settled soon. I’m tired of looking.

I had a great day with C today. I’ve been thinking more about moving back to the US. I want to pursue something and I’m ready to work my ass off to develop something greater in my life. Given the right opportunity, I really think I could pretty quickly prove my worth to an employer. The idea of moving to Chicago has been jangling around inside my head. It would actually be more difficult to do than many other places I could move, but in my gut it feels like where the opportunity is. And I know there is an amazing opportunity waiting for me. I can feel it. It’s close and I’m ready to capture it and move into this next phase of my life. I’m so ready to move into this next phase of my life. Cheers to that!

I want to pursue art and writing. Perhaps simultaneously.

I’m working up the courage to really explore that on a deeper level and see what’s out there that could lead to me being able to make art and writing more than just a hobby.

I hope the courage and motivation doesn’t take forever to arrive.

And with that, I’m off to bed. It’s been an exhausting day, but I’m so grateful I got to spend a good chunk of it with C!

I’m excited to see C tomorrow. It’s going to be really great to hang out with her for a few days. I hope that my teaching schedule is lighter this next week. I’d really appreciate not having to spend all of my time at the school.

I hate apartment/room searching in Istanbul. I’ve seen 3 places now and don’t feel like making this decision. I am, however, more than ready to get out of this room. I want to live somewhere else. I know that something will work out. I just have to be patient.

I saw a really great, sad movie today. It made me think about a lot. Actually, today has been a lot of thinking. Yay for bed and no more of that. It’s not something I’m good at.

I’ve had a busy day and I’m tired. It was, however, a good day. I’m hoping to figure out a room soon. I’ve seen 2 places that could work, nothing that really excites me. I am going to the school tomorrow, but I don’t work. My goal is to look at apartments in the afternoon or evening.

I also realized I forgot to post an update last night. Oh well.

The other thing that’s been on my mind is that KP hasn’t quite been what I’d like it to be. Lately I’ve been using it as a place to recount, in a rather dry manner, the story of my day. I’d rather use KP as a place to mull things over that are on my mind. I can use morning pages as a place for the dry, retelling of events. I’m going to give that some thought. I’m simply too tired to do much right now.

I’m really grateful that today is over and that I get to sleep in tomorrow. My classes really didn’t go that well today. I know they will get better, I just have to be patient and give it time. My first one on one this morning was painful at times. I hadn’t really prepared well enough and thought that what I’d planned to do would take longer than it did. He had to leave early which was great. I have no idea what I would have done with another 1/2 hour to fill.

My other one on one went better this evening. He was very talkative and I spent most of the lesson having him tell me all about his work and what he does. He’s at a lower level, but very motivated to learn and improve his English so I think it’ll go well.

My final class this evening was rough. I had a few things prepared which we did right away, but after that it was mostly ‘do this exercise out of the book now.’ The students got really bored and then class just seemed to drag on. We also didn’t cover nearly as much as I’d hoped we would cover. There were 2 students who hadn’t been to class yet. I know that as the students get to know me the class will start going better. I would also be best off preparing more activities for class and thinking it through more. Since I don’t have much of a break between classes in the evening I didn’t have time to really review my lesson plan which also would have helped.

I’m planning to go into work in the afternoon tomorrow. I am going to observe a couple classes in the evening and also meet with one of the other teachers who will walk me through some planning type things. I’m really grateful to be getting some extra help from him. I’ll also spend some time looking at lessons for Thursday. I’m not excited about repeating today on Thursday. It really felt like all I did today was spend time at the school or commuting back and forth from the school. And really, that’s basically all I did. I came home and took a super long nap after my morning class which didn’t help that feeling. I have my doubts about teaching and this position, but I really think that if I stick it out it’ll get better. I’ve got fewer hours right now so I’ll be able to put some more time into lesson planning. I also don’t have anything scheduled for Friday so I’ll be able to maybe not go in on that day at all. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway.

I haven’t had a relaxing evening, for the most part. I got homesick for a little while, but that was about all. I skipped the meeting tonight and have been sitting around my apartment for hours – mostly looking at places on craigslist. I found a few that might work, but not many that looked very promising. I might just be better off staying here for the time being.

I’m hoping that something really great shows up online within the next couple of days. I don’t have a lot of time to figure this out if I’m going to be able to avoid paying rent again. It’ll all work out, somehow.

I have to be at work super early tomorrow and I’m not excited about it. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me. I’m not super excited about it. It’ll be ok though. And it’ll be nice to be teaching some more classes. Today I went in and found out that my class had been cancelled. Tomorrow I’ve got 1.5 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the evening. It’s going to be a very long day. I will most likely come home after my morning class, take a nap and relax for a while. My evening classes don’t start until 5 pm so I’ll have quite a bit of time to nap. Unfortunately it also means that most of my day will be spent at work. Or at least that’s how it’s going to feel anyway.

I was at the school last Friday and was joking about something with the DoS. I know I caught her off guard with my comment. I’ve been thinking about that tonight. I used to always be making comments like that – funny, off the cuff remarks that are totally unexpected. I don’t really do that anymore. I wish I was though. I really miss fucking with people. It’s one of the few joys I get out of life. It’s so harder to fuck with people when you live in a foreign country because I don’t speak the language. That, and I’ve just not been in the mood to fuck with people the way I used to. I hope I can find that again. I used to really, really enjoy my sense of humor and making myself laugh at other people’s expense. Hmm.

I got my schedule for the week. It’s not so bad. I only have 15 hours scheduled which is a super light week. I can’t imagine doing 26 teaching hours, but thankfully I’ll get to ease into it. Right now I have nothing on the schedule for Wednesday or Friday. I’ll plan to spend more time this week lesson planning and hopefully hitting up a few of the other teachers for activities they like to do in class and other such stuff. It’ll be good. I figure the more of those things I learn now the better. When I have a full schedule I’ll be less likely to take the time to learn new things like that because I’ll be so swamped teaching. This way I can hopefully figure a few things out and become a better teacher. I’d really like to put forth some effort into becoming a good teacher. I didn’t really try at all in China and my attitude was such that I wasn’t going to be able to. Here I think I probably could. This city is so beautiful and I really like my life here. Woot woot!

I also went to a gay sauna today. I don’t plan to do that again. It wasn’t a great experience. Not terrible or anything, but certainly not one I need to have again anytime soon. Hopefully I can figure out how to meet guys that doesn’t involve an app or a bar. I don’t hold out much hope the apps will get me anywhere. After the sauna I went to Istiklal street to meet a friend and happened upon the gay pride parade. That was pretty cool, actually. I enjoyed it. I like that people stand up for what they believe in. Something I feel like I haven’t done much of in my life. Even now I still don’t do it. Maybe I’m a coward. I mean right now I have a story to tell regarding my journey through the machine that is mental health in America. I’m not telling that story. I hope that I can at some point. I feel I need to.

Today was kind of busy, but I managed to make time for 2 naps which were both really great.

I went to a hamam this afternoon… That wasn’t a great experience so I’ll never go back there again. I’m not sure if I’ll try to go to a different one tomorrow. The one that I was going to go to was not open. I couldn’t tell if they were closed down for good or if they just weren’t open today for some reason. I’d kind of like to go to another one tomorrow, but we’ll see. I didn’t get what I was looking for at all today. Even after I lowered my standards significantly there were still only like 2 guys there I would have fooled around with. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t much opportunity to even fool around.

I went to a museum tonight. They had band playing on the ground floor and the rest of the floors were open. I enjoyed looking at the exhibits. There was a lot of Andy Warhol stuff. I really like art. I should consider pursuing some type of career in the art world. It wouldn’t have to be as an artist, although I’m very interested in making art. Something to think about, I suppose.

Woot woot! I’m headed to bed now and able to sleep in tomorrow. It’s also Sunday tomorrow so I can buy a bunch of fruit and some cheese at the farmer’s market on the street near where I live. I’m looking forward to getting some more oranges. Those oranges are amazing.

I survived my first week teaching in Istanbul! I only taught a few classes. It’s going to be kind of crazy when I have a full schedule, but thankfully I’m starting in the summer and will be able to ease into it a lot.

I have a friend from Chicago who is going to be in Istanbul! I’m really, really excited to see her. It’s going to be amazing. I haven’t seen her forever and she’s a really great person to talk to about life and goals, directions and such. I think she’ll be a really good person to bounce some things off of. She’s got a great perspective on everything.

I’m excited to go to bed and not have to do anything tomorrow. It’s going to be great to sleep in and then just do whatever the hell I want to do. I will maybe check out a few art galleries and then possibly go to one of the gay hammams. I’ve been feeling a bit horny – like I’d just really like to have some contact with a guy. I’d prefer it to be more intimate than a hookup up type sex place, but that’s something I can work on. I’ve been using the app again and chatting with a few different people so who knows where that could lead.

Tomorrow I’m also going to take some time to look for a new apartment. I’ve got to get serious about that… I’ve only got about 2 more weeks until I’ll have to pay rent again here. There was lots of stuff online so I’m hopeful I can find a good place to live.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even write a short story tomorrow. I just had an idea on one I’d like to write, but it’s escaping me now. I’ve got so many short stories jumbling around in my head. Eventually I think they’ll get written. I sure hope so, anyway. Writing could be my ticket out of this financial mess. Or, perhaps it’ll just be something I enjoy doing and never become more than a hobby. Either way, I like doing it and get a lot of it so I’m grateful to be able to do it.