I’m so grateful for the day I just had. A fellow program person sent me a text this morning asking if I’d like to hang out today. I called her back and met her not long after. We quickly decided to go to Prince’s Islands and found the ferry and were on our way. The ferry ride was amazing and beautiful. The islands were also gorgeous. We walked around the largest island for a long time today and walked up a hill to a Greek Monastery. We ate and talked and it was just what I needed. She’s really fun and interesting and the conversation was both stimulating and enlightening. She’s also lighthearted and I found myself being my goofy old self with her which is something I’ve missed for a long time. I was able to make jokes and laugh and use humor in a way I used to use humor while I was still in Minneapolis. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed that a lot. I’m grateful I got to spend the day with her and I know she enjoyed our outing as well. We are probably going to do some more touristy things tomorrow and that will also be really fun.

I feel like I’m getting back in touch with the person I used to be, but that it’ll be on a deeper, sounder level than it was before. There was a lot of pain I was hiding in the past with the humor and with everything else. I’ve worked through a lot of that now in this last year – the year of darkness and light. I’m extremely grateful for that. I can finally move on and follow my dreams.

I’m 5 years sober and clean today. I’m grateful for the changes in my life, and outlook on life, being sober has brought me.

Things are very uncertain right now, but they are in the process of working out. I know that I’ll find my way and the path will be provided. My higher power is on my side and I’m no longer trying to do this on my own. I no longer need to do this on my own.

I’m grateful to be able to call this vibrant, beautiful city my home. I really love it here. The people, the men, the food and the views are all amazing. I’m still not sure if staying longer than the next few months is in the cards, but I’m certain that my higher power will make everything clear when the time is right. I am going to allow my higher power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

And with that, I’m off to bed. I’m hoping for an earlier start to the day tomorrow. I’m also hoping to be a bit more productive than I’ve been these last few days. I know I’ll feel better if I sit and try to accomplish something for a while.

Wanting something beautiful and having something beautiful are different things. What if I could quit wanting by realizing what it is I actually have? There is beauty in the world all around me; it’s everywhere! When I choose to focus on the beauty and really see the beauty it fills my mind. When I choose to see the ugliness, despair and problems all around me (that tend to be mostly contrived) I can’t see through them to the beauty that lies just beyond.

Today was a beautiful day. It wasn’t quite what I wanted and not everything went perfectly, but it really was a beautiful day. It was filled with many things that make me happy. One of which was spending time with some great people in a city I love. I hope that I can remain present to that fact as the days go by. I still don’t have any idea how I’m going to support myself and my life in this wonderful city filled with great people, but as long as I maintain my focus on the beauty all around me I shouldn’t have to worry about it.

I hope I can manage to do that.

Today was a day well lived. I enjoyed today and feel I spent the time well. It was a good day.

I met a guy from an app for coffee this afternoon. We talked for a little while and then went and watched “The Clock” for a little while. It’s a really cool film. I plan to go back there and see it again before it’s done running. It just mesmerized me today.

After I wandered around the farmer’s market near where I live and bought all sorts of things to eat. Mostly fruit, but some nuts, olives and cheese as well. Everything was pretty inexpensive. Some were a bust and I wouldn’t buy them again, but I found a few things I’d totally buy again next week.

This evening I went to a gay hamam. I spent quite a while there and it was good. There were some totally hot guys. I even did some fooling around. I’d go back, but I don’t really feel like I need to tomorrow or anything. Maybe in another couple weeks.

I also feel like things are becoming clearer. Everything is still pretty murky and I don’t really know how I’m going to navigate my life going forward, but things are certainly becoming less murky. I’ve got to spend some time researching and thinking about it some more. There are so many option out there. I also have so many different interests.

In school I was good at everything, but not great at anything. It made it difficult to choose something and just go for it. I think if I had to choose one thing I’d most like to pursue right now it would be the spirituality side of things. The next would be probably art and then writing. Those two change though. The spirituality definitely tops the list though.

I’m looking forward to going to sleep soon. I’m exhausted. I slept until like 12:30 today which was really lame. I don’t want to do that again tomorrow. I’ve also got plans to meet a guy and help him write a cover letter. We are going to meet in the afternoon. We didn’t discuss payment at all so I don’t quite know how to approach that. I think if I was teaching for an hour I would charge perhaps 50 lira. I don’t quite know what to expect from this, though. I guess we’ll see. If nothing else it’ll get me out of the house and doing something. Who knows, maybe I could support myself helping old guys write cover letters in English for jobs in Australia and the United States.

I also heard back from one guy about the long distance Reiki share. It’s totally on! Woot woot!

Everything is in the process of working out. I don’t know how; I don’t need to know how. It just is.

My life is beautiful. Magic is everywhere. I can see it. I can touch it. I am living the life I want to live.

I had an interesting day today. I got up early(ish), wrote morning pages and meditated. I sat for 40 minutes and afterwards laid down to practice Reiki for a few minutes and basically ended up napping for like 2 hours or so. By the time the afternoon rolled around my mood was strange (read: not great). While walking to the meeting I contemplated whether I was just in some slow decline into complete, utter madness, but that it was hard to notice because the decline was slower than normal. In the past it’s always been a pretty quick deal.

I don’t think I’m really going crazy. I mean I could be, but I don’t think so. I’m just stressed out with this current situation. And rightfully so, this is a stressful situation I’ve put myself into. Another thing I’m struggling with, again, is simply the loneliness. I’m in another new place where I don’t have any friends and I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself not interacting with other people. That in itself is enough to make me go a little nutty. The meeting tonight was a godsend. I felt much, much better after the meeting. I’m going to meet a girl from NY tomorrow and go to the meeting on the Asian side of the city. It’ll be nice.

All in all things are going well. I’ve got to make some friends and get an outlet of some kind. It’s tough having so much free time and not a great plan. I think I could figure out the income thing, but I’ve got to do some more research and really put in some time trying to figure out a job.

I also go through periods where it feels like I slip into an energy of sorts. It’s like the universe pulls me in and everything at once has meaning. I’m not sure what that’s all about. It feels like I’m connected to something in a way I’ve either not been before or in a way I simply haven’t noticed or felt before. I have no idea where that’s headed, but it’ll be interesting to find out. Maybe I’ll find love again. Wouldn’t that be a treat.

I got totally caught up with trying to figure out a plan to go to Greece tonight. I found a flight to Athens, did some research as to which island or islands to go to, checked out ferry schedules and places to stay. Liz pointed out, in the end when she asked how much it would cost, that it would simply be too expensive for me to do right now. The other thing I was thinking I could do is go to Cappadocia. That would actually be pretty badass and much more affordable. The flight to Athens is more expensive and then the ferries to/from the islands are a little spendy as well. Flying to Cappadocia and spending a few days would be a simpler, I think. I’ll have to do some research on traveling in that area and how long I’d want to spend there. It looks super beautiful.

I had a pretty good conversation with Jim earlier today. I last spoke with him when I first got to China. He provided some good insight into my life and everything. I don’t feel like I’m in the midst of a crisis, but I suppose I sort of am. It’s kind of a crisis that’s been going on for a long time now that I think about it. The crisis started shortly after leaving my last job over a year and half ago. Hmm.

I’ll figure something out. I mean I’ve got to, right? You hear stories about people having breakdowns and coming through the other side of it all the time. I suppose you don’t hear about people having breakdowns and not figuring it out because those stories aren’t told. Hmm, I sure hope I don’t become the poster child for that. Fuck.

I found myself walking today and at several different times started laughing at thoughts I had that I found to be funny. That used to happen all the time before I lost touch with my sense of humor. It was a nice relief to have it happen again. I take it as a great sign. I’m getting stronger and becoming more of myself again. At least I hope so, anyway.

Tomorrow is another day full of new opportunities and challenges. I hope to meet those opportunities and challenges in a good way. Today was a good day.

I got to speak to M in NJ for a long time tonight. I really appreciate her advice. I haven’t gotten to talk to her in a long time.

I also spent some time today looking at jobs I could do online. I didn’t find much of anything that would work, but I gained some information and insight. I’ll continue searching and trying to figure something out. Something will work out. I’m certain of it.

Tomorrow I speak to Jim. It’ll be good to have a conversation with him. It’s been 6 months since I last talked to him and he’s usually pretty good about shedding some light onto a subject.

I had an ok day. I slept in too late which was annoying. I need some type of schedule or routine or it’s likely I’ll sleep too much and too late. I don’t have much of anything to do right now and I could certainly use something to occupy my time. Ideally I’d like to be learning something. I like learning.

I looked at classes for learning Turkish. I’d really like to take one. There are a couple schools I was able to find online, but the next round of classes don’t start for two more weeks. I could sign up for an intensive 4 week program that would be 4 weeks of classes for 3 or 4 hours a day. I would like to sign up for the morning classes so that I would get into a routine of getting up in the morning and going to class. They aren’t too expensive, but I’m not sure I could take more than one month of classes. I guess we’ll see. Since the classes don’t start very soon I can think about it for a little while. I need to find some type of routine, though, or I’ll just flounder here.

I also need to start working out again. A program person told me where there is a gym not far from where I live. I walked over there to try and find it today and failed. I will hopefully see him at a meeting tomorrow and ask him again. I could probably do a google search and try to locate it, too. If I’m going to date and start doing that again I need to get myself back into better shape. I don’t have the confidence to be meeting people right now.

I was maybe going to meet this guy from Kazakhstan today. Actually, I was going to meet him a couple days ago, but then I was hanging out with J from England and rescheduled. It was basically just a hookup situation and I decided I’d be a little too weirded out without it all at this point to meet up. I have not logged into scruff really for a couple days so that I won’t have to deal with that. I feel like a douche with how I’ve dealt with the situation, but it’s all I could do. I don’t plan to use scruff much more. I would love to meet some hot Turkish guys, but I’m also feeling like I just want to hide and not put myself out there right now. I hope that changes. It would be awesome to have some kind of romance while in Turkey.

I’m tired and, like usual, super excited about going to bed. I sometimes wonder if it’s not a bit unhealthy how excited I get about going to sleep for the night.

I ate a bunch of sugar today and now I feel uncertain and like I’m floundering. I really think it’s probably due to the sugar. Like it just fucks with my mood and now I have this unsettled, uneasy feeling inside me. It’s not fun. It makes me feel like I’m doomed and any effort to work towards something more is bound to fail. In fact, right now, I don’t even think I could try to look at freelancing work or writing of any kind without a ‘can’t do’ attitude. Tomorrow I’m going to avoid this kind of sugar buzz. And I might be wrong, perhaps it’s not even the sugar that’s done this to me. I think I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I had a nice time with Jordan before he left. It was relaxed and fun. I do really love this city. And I’m starting to make some more friends so that’s good. It’s nice to start seeing some more familiar faces at the meetings. I’d really like to start making more friends, but I should also spend some time looking at some kind of work and trying to figure that out. Maybe I’ll stay in tomorrow and take a look at online stuff and do some drawing. I’d really like to do some drawing. I’ve got to try to get myself on to some kind of schedule and plan. I’d also like to write a blog post. Tomorrow that will be my goal. I don’t need to actually post it, but I’d like to write one at least. Or get the start of one down. I’ve got to do something.