I’ve had a bad day. I slept for a long time last night. Then I got up for a bit before taking a nap.

I feel trapped. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m overwhelmed and feeling like there’s really know way out of this situation.

It’s been years since I felt like suicide was a good option. It feels like a good option right now. I mean really, I’ve found all there is to life and life sucks. Things will never be better. Nothing will ever be ok. This world in which I live is terrible.

I’m no longer afraid of death the way I was in the past when I’d obsess about killing myself. I’m at peace with whatever may or may not be the afterlife. In fact, I’m looking forward to finding out what that is.

I know this is just a feeling and like all feelings it will pass. I’ll go to bed and wake up in the morning. Tomorrow will be another day. A day that is hopefully better than this one.

I went to a meeting tonight. We read out of the daily reflections like usual. The first line of the reading was “God wants me to be joyous, happy and free.” I’m not so sure about that. I feel like my world is crumbling all around me and that I have no plan and no real hope for the future. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I don’t like it when I’m struck with the ‘nothing will ever be ok’ bug.

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I have to end this on a brighter note. I do believe that God wants me to live a life that is happy, joyous and free. The way I feel right now is temporary and resulting from several different things. One of them is the fact that I slept for too long today and hit the snooze button for a long time this morning meaning I’ve been in this kind of funk all day because of getting too much sleep. Another issue is that I’ve been drinking this turkish tea that I like very much, but it has caffeine in it. I don’t normally drink caffeine and it affects me. I do much better when I don’t have any caffeine because it wreaks havoc on my mood and my emotions. Today I drank no tea and am going to try to stop drinking it altogether. Tomorrow I will make an attempt to get up at a better time and not sleep all day. I do believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life is worth living and I have a bright future. It may be hard to see that right now, but I honestly do feel that way.