I’m exhausted from another day of sightseeing in Turkey. I went to Sile today with my friend C from Germany. It was gorgeous and a really nice day.

I was supposed to meet a guy for dinner a couple days ago. I cancelled because I went out to Prince’s Island. I have been treating guys in a way that I don’t like. I’ve been flaky with them. I just don’t really want to meet people right now. The problem is I’m just too fat and out of shape which makes me feel unattractive. I wish I’d quit telling myself that or do something to change the situation. I don’t think that losing weight is going to help. I’d be better off working out and feeling better about myself as I get stronger and more athletic. I would really like to date and be emotionally and physically intimate with a man. It’s been so long. I’m so lonely in that regard. This is something I can do. I know I can, it just scares me.

I deleted the app I’ve been using to chat with guys. It’s mostly just people looking for sex. I’d much rather meet gay guys somewhere with a different focus. I hope to make some real changes about it all soon. I’m ready to make the changes and change my outlook on things. It would feel so nice to fall asleep with a nice guy I care about in my arms.

I struggle with whether I deserve to be happy and whether I really want to be happy. It’s easier being unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s the landscape I’m most familiar with, but it’s not the landscape I want to remain in. I do deserve to be happy and to live the life I want to live. I deserve to find joy. I deserve to experience love. Now if only I can get past all the negative thoughts and emotions that have told me otherwise for so long. They may not be at the forefront of my mind these days, but I know they are still working against me in some fashion.

Love and fulfillment could be mine if I’d just allow myself to have it. I’m the only one standing in the way of its realization.