I wanted to draw today, but didn’t make the time to do it. I haven’t drawn anything since I got here at the beginning of the month. This discourages me. I’ve now been here a month and I’ve done next to know drawing and very little writing. I haven’t done any writing that I would try to share with anyone else. I had hoped that a change would spark something inside me and I’d feel inspired to pursue these things. It might still happen – this last month was busy getting settled and sightseeing. I just don’t know.

I’m going to teach tomorrow. I have 2 speaking clubs that I’ll be doing. It’s going to be interesting to see how they go. I’m excited for them. Well, excited is maybe not the right word. I’m not dreading them, though. I hope to have fun. I also hope there are some interesting students. I think there will be. I plan to prepare a few topics that we can talk about. I have been given very little instruction as to what to expect as far as the speaking clubs go. There might be a few students, possibly up to 10.

I also sent off my resume for another teaching job in Istanbul. I don’t really want a more full time job, but it would be nice to work somewhere that would give me more help with the residence permit and figuring those things out. It’s also possible I can find something that offers a housing allowance and other perks this job isn’t going to give me. I’d feel like kind of a dick bailing on this job, but if I found something with considerably better pay, benefits or hours I’d totally bail in a heartbeat. I haven’t looked around at all so I have no idea what’s out there. The one concern I do have is that if I get a full time job I’d maybe not take the time to look at online options or other ways of getting an income.

I had a nice, relaxing day. I slept in for a long time this morning. I sometimes feel guilty about sleeping in super late, but I’ve been getting up so early and running all around lately that taking today and sleeping in was a wise decision. I’m sleepy again, now, and will probably go to bed soon. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get up a little earlier than today. It would be nice to get something done in the morning and feel like I’m being productive. I really want to apply for this teaching position that was listed online. I have to update my resume and figure out references. I could just skip the references for now, but the add asks for them so I should probably include some. The school has a good reputation and they are looking for teachers with a business background to start teaching business English. I would like to gain some experience teaching business English because I think it could be a lucrative way of making money teaching private lessons. I also spoke to a guy after the meeting tonight who mentioned that he will probably be leaving Istanbul because of the new residence permit requirements that apparently make it much more difficult to obtain a residence permit.

Everything will get worked out. I just need to give it time. I’m going to share my story at a meeting tomorrow and I’m nervous about it. I was asked at the meeting on Thursday and said that I would. I haven’t told my story very often and it’s been a long time since I did. I will practice tonight before going to bed and then will work on it some more tomorrow. I don’t find talking in front of groups super easily and generally don’t share for long periods of time. I would like it to be at least a little thought out when I share and hopefully not just inane rambling. Hmm.

I’m also nervous about this teaching job that I’m going to be starting soon. I called the guy from the program today and told him I’m not going to be able to work at all during the week. I’m not ready to change everything and move to the Asian side for this job. It doesn’t make sense that I would spend an hour commuting to the school to work 2 hours and then have another hour commute home. If I like it and want to continue working there I’d consider moving to the Asian side and then picking up some hours during the week, but right now I want to see if I like teaching. I don’t really want to teach. I’d rather get a better job that paid me more, but teaching is all I seem to be very qualified to do here. I don’t know, maybe I’d be better off avoiding teaching at all and committing myself to trying to find something else. My gut says that I’m not going to want to start teaching a full time job with a lot of hours. A couple of people have warned me about the guy who offered me the job as well. He’s pretty harmless, but has been described as a ‘bulldozer.’ I can totally see that. He said it was fine “for now” that I don’t teach during the week, but I have a feeling it’s going to come up again pretty soon and I’ll have to deal with it then. I guess I’ll just take it as it comes.

I had a super busy day. I got up really early to get over to the Asian side to observe a class. I then stayed over there so I could make it to the meeting. I enjoyed the day and found out a few new things. There are apartments popping up all over the city that might work and other job opportunities I didn’t realize even existed. I’m planning to start teaching at this school on the Asian side, but I’m going to tell him I can only teach on the weekend for now. I really want to take a Turkish class and ease into any teaching. I’ve also not looked at any other schools and I think that I should do that. I might find a better opportunity out there. There are a lot of red flags about this school. I think it’ll be ok, but I’m not sure. It’ll be really easy to walk away from if things don’t work out so I figure I’ll give it a try. I might end up liking it a lot, too. You never know.

I got dinner with a program person after the meeting. I enjoyed it. He’s a nice guy and it was great to make a new friend. He’s also got a lot of information about the city and is willing to give me some advice on jobs and such. I hope to hang out with him again soon.

I have realized that the part-time position I was offered is maybe not the best. I still think I’ll give it at try because it’ll get me some experience teaching in Istanbul and I’m really not sure I’ll like teaching adults. This will be a pretty low-pressure way of figuring out if teaching is something I want to pursue or if I just need to walk away from that idea altogether. I think this is a good opportunity to help me figure that out. I won’t be teaching that many hours and it’ll be pretty easy to walk away from if need be. I wasn’t very impressed with the school and the pay certainly isn’t the best, but even if I only stick around for a couple months that will be ok. From what I understand there will be a hiring push come September and I can jump to something better at that time if I choose.

I was walking home tonight and had this feeling of contentment. Like there was nothing outside of myself I needed in order to feel content. This past year I’ve been turning to sugar to fill that whole in my soul, but since getting here actually I’ve found it much easier to resist the sugar binges. I still sometimes choose to eat a chocolate bar or whatever else, but I don’t feel as much like I have to as I did in China or Thailand. It’s really nice. I hope it continues.

I like this city and think that staying awhile would be really great. It’s also possible I’ll find another opportunity somewhere else and flutter off. If that ends up being the case I’m ok with it. I’m just flowing with life right now and trying to listen enough to follow where I’m lead.

My mind has been going today on the feeling I have fairly often that none of this life is real. Like this world I inhabit is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I’m not sure why I slip into that mode of thinking. It could be the case that something external has affected me which then means I fall into this line of thinking as a reaction to that. I’m not sure what that would be though. Maybe it’s just a moment of clarity. Who knows. We’ll see where that line of thought leads me.

I am going to watch a class that is taught by the director of studies at the school where I’m planning to start working in the morning. It’s a 4 hour class so I’m not excited about it, but I really want to see what’s expected of me as far as teaching goes. There are no office hours and I’m not paid well enough to spend a lot of time outside of class preparing for class. I’m not even sure that kind of thing is really expected. I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow. I might not stay for the whole 4 hours, but I don’t have much else going on so it’ll get me out of the apartment and moving in the morning. In the evening I’m planning to go to the meeting and afterwards have plans to hang out with a guy from the program. He’s gay and teaching here so I’m hoping to get the lowdown on those things.

I can’t believe I’m feeling nostalgic for China. I mostly miss the people I met in Shanghai. What a wonderful recovery community. The city itself isn’t nearly as bad as Ningbo was, but I know that moving there and staying in China wouldn’t have been the right decision for me. I really don’t think I would have lasted at another teaching job in that country. Who knows. Maybe I’ll decide to go back someday. If it wasn’t for the teaching I’d consider living in that city. At least for a spell.

I’ve had a much better day today than I’ve been having. I slept better last night and woke up this morning feeling more rested. I’m really grateful for that. I also feel like a weight has been lifted. These past few days I’ve been swallowed up by these feelings that I’m not going to be able to figure things out and that the future is doomed. It’s like I couldn’t break free from this strange grip on my conscious. Today I don’t feel like the opportunities (yep, I’m going to use that word) are insurmountable. Sure, I’ll have to work at a few things to figure stuff out, but I’m capable of doing that. Things will work out. I don’t need to worry or start creating a plan to run away.

I went and checked out a language school today. I’m probably going to start working some part-time hours there. It’s not going to be enough to pay the bills, but it will be something to stave off running through all of my savings. Depending on how I like it, I also think I can probably pick up some more hours in a couple months (or sooner). I don’t want to work my ass off or anything, but we’ll see. The job is teaching adults which I’m excited to do. I’m told they are a higher level so I can hopefully develop a relationship with many of them and enjoy class. I imagine that it won’t be just playing games and feeling like a puppet like my time in China was. If I like teaching adults it would be a massive improvement in my life.

I have been holding out this hope that I will be able to figure out a way to support myself writing or producing art in the future (probably distant future). Tonight I started to think that maybe that’s not realistic and that I should let that go. Yes, it would be great, but perhaps that’s simply not the path ahead of me. At this stage of my life I really can’t turn anything down and need to keep my eyes (and mind!) open to all opportunities. I could probably find many different kinds of jobs fulfilling. We’ll see where that goes. I am going to start asking for a lot more guidance in my meditation and on a daily basis. I know that I’ll be shown the path when the time is right.

This morning I woke up with the lyrics from a song going through my head. The lyrics were something like “you don’t need to do this on your own.” I know that I need to ask for help and remember that when I do ask for help it’s always given. I have such trouble asking anyone to help me. I’ve also tried to be so self-reliant for so long and not rely on other people. In a lot of ways I’ve managed to do that. Especially when it comes to emotions. I’ve had such a hard time trusting other people with my emotions. As a result of that, I also find it difficult to provide emotional support for other people. Since I’m self-reliant in that regard (for better or worse) I sometimes find it hard to empathize with other people who aren’t. It’s also made dating extremely problematic. I’m now in a city surrounded by unbelievably attractive men and I’d love to meet one and develop a relationship. I feel like I’m ready to try to do that, but there’s still this baggage that comes pulling me down.

I think that eventually any career or long-term revenue stream will need to incorporate a great deal of creativity in order to keep my interested. Otherwise I just won’t be able to do it for the long-term. I hope to find or create a path for that. I think that Istanbul could be a great place to explore the writing and the art further. If I have more joy in my life both will come easier to me. I think, anyway. I’ve been meaning to start a blog since I left the US a year ago and still haven’t done that. These past few days I’ve been thinking more about it. I even wrote a bunch of things in a notebook that I could use towards a blog post. I’ve got a lot of ideas and now that I’m getting my sense of humor back I think that it could be a great use of my time and something I would really enjoy. Even if it never takes off into something big, it would be a really fun way to stay in touch with my friends back home.

Tomorrow is the last tourist day with C from Germany. We are going on a Bosphorous cruise that will take most of the day. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve enjoyed this last week hanging out with her a lot. It’s been a lot at times, but I’m really grateful to have met her and to have been able to spend this time with her. I’ll miss her when she’s gone. Although, who knows, maybe she’ll be back on a more permanent basis sometime soon.

I am going to start that blog. Maybe not tonight, but it’s going to happen. And it’s going to be super fun because I’ve got an immense amount of joy in my future. I’m going to find my happiness, pleasure and revel in their beauty. I can live the life I want to live and I’m determined to make that a reality. I will work towards my dreams and I will be fulfilled. Woot woot!

I’ve also got to start drawing again. I haven’t drawn any pictures since I got to Istanbul, but I’d really like to take some time to do that. I miss drawing. I am thinking I’ll make my goal be to complete one picture a week. It’s really not an ambitious goal – one picture a week would be pretty easy to do, but it would be a great way to make sure that I continue producing drawings and don’t fall into this trap where I go a month without drawing anything. I could also start putting them on the wall again which would be a great reminder to draw something.

Tomorrow I am going in for a job interview. It’s teaching English at a language school here in Istanbul. I’m not super excited about it, but the benefits of working part-time would be numerous. Financially I wouldn’t be making enough money to survive, but it would be a start and it would allow me to investigate other revenue streams without needing to be making all of my money from a different source. It would also get me some experience teaching adults (which I might actually like) and I’d learn how to teach more difficult grammar points that I wasn’t teaching in China. Because of these reasons I’m willing to entertain the prospect of another teaching job.

I went to Agva today. It was a long bus ride, but hanging out by the Black Sea and swimming was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. On the way back I got this idea that maybe I should just go for broke. I could fly to Nepal or India and stay near a temple where I could hopefully meditate and practice yoga and pranayama as well as draw and write. I like to think if I really set a schedule and tried to stick to the schedule I could then focus more on producing things. It’s not a great idea at all, but taking 6 months to just focus on producing art and working on some writing would be pretty awesome. If I was actually able to stick to the schedule. I’m not certain I’d be able to actually do that, though. It was just a thought. I’d like to figure out staying here, but as a last case scenario I could try something like that. I’m not sure Nepal would really be the place to go, but being somewhere less expensive would be helpful if I’m actually going to try that. I suppose I could try to hang out in Panama for a while or something. There are options, anyway. I need to keep that in mind.

I’m exhausted right now. I’ve been waiting for my laundry to finish washing so that I can hang it and go to bed.

I feel a lot better about life and what the future holds right now. It’s nice to not have this impending sense of doom. I don’t miss living like that.

I haven’t drank any Turkish tea the last few days. I’m not really sure if that’s why I feel better or if it’s just because I usually feel better after a breakdown of sorts. Either way, I’m grateful that I’m feeling better.

I talked to Liz for a while tonight. It’s been over a week I think since I talked to her. It was really nice to spend a couple hours on skype. It’s super late now, but that’s ok. I took a nap this evening and also spent some time replying to a few emails that are now a couple days old. I’ve been meaning to reply to them for a couple days and it feels really good to no longer have that hanging over my head. The last few nights I’ve just been too tired to make it happen.

I also spent some time scribbling away in a notebook. I’ve definitely got the start of a blog going. I could pretty easily get something going and then throw it online somewhere. I think I’d be better off splitting what I’ve written so far into more than one post. I could either post all of them at once, or wait and post them a few weeks apart. I’d really like to start doing something that I’m putting out into the world. Even if it’s only a blog that a few close friends will probably follow. Who knows though. Maybe I can get that to go somewhere. If nothing else it was nice to do some writing with the intention of having other people read it. Whether or not they do is another story entirely.

Off to Agva tomorrow. I’m looking forward to another beach day. It should be great and relaxing. I’ll probably bring a notebook and maybe even run some ideas by C.

I’ve had a bad day. I slept for a long time last night. Then I got up for a bit before taking a nap.

I feel trapped. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m overwhelmed and feeling like there’s really know way out of this situation.

It’s been years since I felt like suicide was a good option. It feels like a good option right now. I mean really, I’ve found all there is to life and life sucks. Things will never be better. Nothing will ever be ok. This world in which I live is terrible.

I’m no longer afraid of death the way I was in the past when I’d obsess about killing myself. I’m at peace with whatever may or may not be the afterlife. In fact, I’m looking forward to finding out what that is.

I know this is just a feeling and like all feelings it will pass. I’ll go to bed and wake up in the morning. Tomorrow will be another day. A day that is hopefully better than this one.

I went to a meeting tonight. We read out of the daily reflections like usual. The first line of the reading was “God wants me to be joyous, happy and free.” I’m not so sure about that. I feel like my world is crumbling all around me and that I have no plan and no real hope for the future. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I don’t like it when I’m struck with the ‘nothing will ever be ok’ bug.

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I have to end this on a brighter note. I do believe that God wants me to live a life that is happy, joyous and free. The way I feel right now is temporary and resulting from several different things. One of them is the fact that I slept for too long today and hit the snooze button for a long time this morning meaning I’ve been in this kind of funk all day because of getting too much sleep. Another issue is that I’ve been drinking this turkish tea that I like very much, but it has caffeine in it. I don’t normally drink caffeine and it affects me. I do much better when I don’t have any caffeine because it wreaks havoc on my mood and my emotions. Today I drank no tea and am going to try to stop drinking it altogether. Tomorrow I will make an attempt to get up at a better time and not sleep all day. I do believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life is worth living and I have a bright future. It may be hard to see that right now, but I honestly do feel that way.

I’m exhausted from another day of sightseeing in Turkey. I went to Sile today with my friend C from Germany. It was gorgeous and a really nice day.

I was supposed to meet a guy for dinner a couple days ago. I cancelled because I went out to Prince’s Island. I have been treating guys in a way that I don’t like. I’ve been flaky with them. I just don’t really want to meet people right now. The problem is I’m just too fat and out of shape which makes me feel unattractive. I wish I’d quit telling myself that or do something to change the situation. I don’t think that losing weight is going to help. I’d be better off working out and feeling better about myself as I get stronger and more athletic. I would really like to date and be emotionally and physically intimate with a man. It’s been so long. I’m so lonely in that regard. This is something I can do. I know I can, it just scares me.

I deleted the app I’ve been using to chat with guys. It’s mostly just people looking for sex. I’d much rather meet gay guys somewhere with a different focus. I hope to make some real changes about it all soon. I’m ready to make the changes and change my outlook on things. It would feel so nice to fall asleep with a nice guy I care about in my arms.

I struggle with whether I deserve to be happy and whether I really want to be happy. It’s easier being unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s the landscape I’m most familiar with, but it’s not the landscape I want to remain in. I do deserve to be happy and to live the life I want to live. I deserve to find joy. I deserve to experience love. Now if only I can get past all the negative thoughts and emotions that have told me otherwise for so long. They may not be at the forefront of my mind these days, but I know they are still working against me in some fashion.

Love and fulfillment could be mine if I’d just allow myself to have it. I’m the only one standing in the way of its realization.

I started noticing butterflies this morning. Not actual living butterflies, but a butterfly pendant or a drawing on something. This occurred throughout the entire day. I’d randomly see a butterfly on a poster or on someone’s shirt and take notice of it. I don’t often notice butterflies.

It reminded me of being in DC last year. I remember I started to see butterflies and even went to an Imax theater show at the natural history museum that was all about butterflies. At the time I was thinking about how they start from a caterpillar and then change into butterflies. I also remember that at the time I thought I was finally coming out of my cocoon and turning into something really beautiful.

I’m grateful for the change in my attitude and outlook in order to get to today. I’m emerging from the dark cocoon of the last year. I don’t mean to say that the last year has been bad by any means, it’s actually been really great – hard at times, but filled with growth. It has been hard, though, as I have worked through and let go a lot of the negative emotional things from the past I’ve been carrying around with me. It’s great to unburden myself of a lot of that stuff.

I also feel like I’m emerging because my sense of humor is coming back. I’m starting to feel a lot more like my old, joking, smartass self. It’s great! I’ve really missed not having my sense of humor and I don’t ever want to lose it again.

I feel happy and joyous right now. I like feeling this way. Like my problems aren’t insurmountable and that I’ll figure everything out. I do believe that. I hope I can hang on to this feeling and maybe even develop it into something further.