I still haven’t been able to determine my last day of work. I really only started trying to figure it out yesterday, but I’m getting some conflicting information and the person who can correct all that is unavailable right now. I’m hoping to wake up tomorrow to an email with some more definitive information. Once I know when I’ll be done I can start making other arrangements. It’s hard to do much without it right now.

I’m super tired. I took 1/2 a magnesium tablet and feel more than ready to sleep. I’m also struggling a lot today with my body image. It’s been over a month now that I’ve gotten more serious about improving things and today it hasn’t even felt like I’ve made any progress on that front. It’s frustrating. I feel excessively uncomfortable right now and want to hide and cover up with sweatshirts. I’m not going to be able to do that much longer – it’s getting much warmer here. I feel like I should have been able to make more progress by now, but I guess I just have to be patient. It’s also quite possible that something I’m eating (as in chemicals or a reaction my body is having to something bad – MSG?) could be causing a lot of the problems with losing weight and feeling more positive about my body image. I suppose I could start keeping a journal of everything I eat. I don’t think I’m overeating, but it’s possible I am. Today I don’t think I really at that much. I guess I can always hold out hope that once I leave mainland China it’ll all work out.

I felt like writing this morning, but was busy doing all the things I do in the morning – meditating, morning pages, cooking lunch, etc. I didn’t have any time to write this morning and this evening I didn’t feel much like writing anything. I hope that desire strikes again soon. I’d like to start churning out some short stories. That would be fun!

I got worried today about the financial aspect of the next few months. I’ve never faced this kind of financial uncertainty. Really though, when I think about it, this isn’t even that great of uncertainty. I’ve got money to fall back on in the retirement account from my old job. I’d rather not access that, but in a worst case scenario it would be easy to get a hold of. I need to keep that in mind because it gives me a better perspective on everything.

I wish I was writing. I wish I’d spent the last year writing. I feel like I’ve got something to say and I’ve even got an idea of how I’d frame it. Yet still, I don’t pursue that writing. I’ve also got a ton of short stories floating around inside my head. I want to put them onto paper, yet for some reason I don’t. I think if I really pursued writing that I’d like it quite a bit. I like crafting things and figuring out exactly how to say what I mean. I’m hoping that I start at least trying soon. I have to at least work at something. Right now I feel like I’m a bit stuck.

Anyway, yay for Istanbul. A new adventure and a fresh perspective. What a gift!

I didn’t post an update for the last two nights because I didn’t have much for internet access. I also didn’t do morning pages, meditate like normal, write my gratitude list or the prayer to God I’ve been writing every night. I’m ok with taking a couple days off. I like doing those things, but I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking I have to do them everyday. I don’t have to do them everyday. It takes a lot of time to make all of that happen and it was nice to not worry about it while I was out of town.

So Huangshan was ridiculously awe-inspiring. That was one of the most beautiful, mystical places I’ve ever been. It was so beautiful. I took a million pictures and had a great time with the two guys I went with. I’m really glad that I made the decision to go. It will definitely remain a highlight of my time here in China.

I can’t believe my time in China is rolling to a close so soon. I’m planning to move out of this apartment in just less than 3 weeks. I still don’t have any concrete plans around Turkey or anything that’s next. Tomorrow I’m going to start really figuring that out. First thing will be to verify what my last day of work is. After that, I’ll start sending people messages and decide whether I’m going to make a stop in the Philippines and/or Hong Kong before leaving this part of the world. I’m excited about Istanbul, but nervous, too. The money thing is in the back of my mind. It’s all going to work out beautifully (or at least work out somehow), but just how that’s all going to work is hard to imagine right now.

I’m exhausted from the long hike today and the early morning. I slept on the bus for a little while, but it wasn’t quality sleep. I’m off to bed now and I couldn’t be more excited about sleeping in my own bed tonight and not having to get up in the morning for a damn thing. Yay!

I met a cute Chinese guy for coffee today. I had him meet at a place near my apartment so that depending on how things went we could come back here. I’ve been feeling really…. horny, lately. We talked at the coffee shop for a while and then came back to my apartment.

I had the most wonderful time with him once we’d gotten back here. I just felt so comfortable with him. We fooled around and then laid on my bed in a naked mass of tangled arms and legs. That was the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable being naked around someone. There was no judgment or harsh feelings about my body going through my head. I was just able to be with him and enjoy the moment. And enjoy the moment I did! It was amazing. I really didn’t want him to leave. I’ve been so lonely these past couple months and have had very little sexual contact since I got to China. I really enjoyed the sex, but I enjoyed the cuddling and laying together after the sex even more. I really, really didn’t want him to leave. I hope he can come and spend the night sometime soon. I wish I had met him before now, but am still grateful that we finally did meet. I am leaving China soon. We can spend some time together before that happens.

On a side note, I can’t imagine being a gay guy in China. Most are closeted and haven’t told their parents they are gay. Most don’t even seem to have gay friends. What a lonely, sad life.

All in all today was pretty uneventful. It felt nice, though. It felt like I was slipping into the energy of the universe at times. It wasn’t overwhelming or euphoric; it felt comforting and relaxed.

I’m grateful I don’t have to work tomorrow. I am excited to have a weekend off and a few more days to relax. It’s been difficult to make it through my classes lately. This week was especially hard after having all of last week off and knowing that it is a short week. I don’t have many weeks left teaching and I hope they go well. I certainly don’t want to suffer through the end of it.

There are a lot of changes that are going to happen in my life, again. I’m excited for them. I’m looking forward to being on a different continent and in a different country. I think that Istanbul will be a really wonderful place for me. And if I don’t like it I can always just leave.

I have a suspicion that some of the changes that are headed my way are going to be spiritual changes. I can feel something inside me changing, morphing into something different. I feel calm about it all and welcome any changes along the spiritual side of things. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something, but that the other side is primarily unremarkable. I don’t imagine it’s going to be a lightning bolt that drastically alters my sense of reality, but rather a slow, sweeping out into the same sea I’ve been bobbing in for the last year and half. Lost or found, I’m not sure it even makes a difference anymore. They seem to be becoming nearly one and the same.

It’s a short week at work because we have Saturday and Sunday off. Saturday and Sunday also happen to be our busiest teaching days so a lot of time on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is spent preparing for these classes. Since we don’t teach this week, and don’t have to prepare, the last two days at work have just dragged on. Today was no different.

I went and got a foot massage over lunch. It was a guy that gave me the massage and he kept talking to me in Chinese the whole time. He was adorable. And even though I don’t speak a word of Chinese, he just kept asking me questions for over an hour. I’ve been keeping people at bay lately – especially when it comes to intimacy, but spending so much time with this cute Chinese guy got me all turned around in the head. I downloaded jack’d which is an app that’s popular with Chinese guys and started chatting with some tonight. I really just wanted to have someone come over to fool around with, but really I’d like a lot more than that. I did end up chatting with one guy who I’ll hopefully meet soon. I was horny so the conversation went to a place it wouldn’t normally go, but I’d gladly meet him for something outside the bedroom. And who knows, maybe when I wake up tomorrow I’ll be over it and decide I no longer want to meet someone. I guess we’ll see. It would be nice to fool around with someone again. The last experience I had didn’t go very well – the guy was this worked out Chinese guy who spends a ton of time in the gym and I ended up feeling extremely self-conscious of my out of shape, flabby body.

I’m actually starting to feel better about my body, too. I’m not sure if it was the breakdown a few days ago when I felt like I couldn’t go on looking the way I do, or if the stairs and trying to eat better has finally started to produce some results, but I do feel better about it and I’m gaining some confidence back. I’m also feeling in a better place mentally and able to put myself out there more and get rejected without having it bother me as much. I’m not sure if that’s going to last forever, but I plan to enjoy it while it’s here.

I had an interesting day of conversations with people. I like having conversations with people.

The first was lunch with another teacher. It was just the two of us which made it a little easier to talk about real stuff. So often we are in a group and the conversations end up remaining more topical. I enjoyed opening up to him and sharing some of my hopes and dreams for the future and hearing more about his. Those conversations are so wonderful.

I also called my grandma. I talked to her for 24 minutes which is most certainly breaking some kind of record. She’s not one to spend long periods of time talking on the phone.

The final conversation was with a guy I know from AA back in Minnesota. I’ve never spoken to him outside a meeting, but he’s an interesting guy and the conversation touched on a wide range of topics. I really enjoyed the conversation with him. It was especially refreshing since the walls come down so quickly in conversations with AA people. We quickly got down to the heart of the matter and spoke our truths on a number of things. I learned from the conversation and it piqued my interest in other things. It also gave me a better idea of why I may be getting called to Istanbul. And I know I’m being called there. There’s a reason I’m going. That reason may not be clear right now, but I know in my heart I’m meant to grow and learn there. It’s a place I expect to provide a crucial stage of my development. Development. What a funny word.

I’m exhausted now.

I only briefly left my apartment today. I spent most of the day sitting at my desk drawing and watching things on my laptop or listening to music.

I spoke to L this morning which was good. We talked about the art and tried to come up with a strategy as to how I could make some money from it. I’m trying to get over the idea that the art I create isn’t actually worth anything. It’s getting better and I like it. I’m sure there are other people who would like it, too. I’m not sure that means there would be people willing to pay me to create it for them, but that’s not something I’d actually know until I try.

I think that my best strategy, and the one that’s most likely to create a return on my investment of time, would be to spend at most 3-4 hours on each drawing. When I spend a lot of hours on them I never like them quite as much. They end up being too intricate and just feel cluttered. I’ve also got to get better at including more white space and becoming comfortable leaving parts of the drawing blank.

I like both the drawings I completed today. They are very different from each other. Neither is overly complex, nor did they take much time (maybe 3 hours each). They’re cool, though, and it’s really neat to have produced something that’s quite different from the things I’ve been producing. I like seeing the progression and being able to look at the evidence that I’m getting better at this and that I can expect them to continue getting better as I work at it.

I’m still not convinced I could support myself solely from drawing, or that I could sell any of them, for that matter, but I’m willing to try to at least supplement my income with it. I’ve got to try something outside of the box. And who knows, once I start putting my name out there as an artist and a writer there could be other connections made that help me develop into next steps. It’s all a process and I have to trust in that process. I’m learning to do that.