I made it through the day at work, which also means I made it through the week. At times I wasn’t sure that was going to be the case. Now I just have one more week and I’ll be done. I think I can do just one more week.

After work I enjoyed a meal with the other foreign teachers at my school. I am really going to miss them. I’m glad that I’ve been able to get to know them as much as I have over these last 6 months. I’m also very grateful to be leaving. It’ll be sad, but it’s time to move on. And, of course, I’m really excited about Istanbul and a new adventure.

Today was a day well lived. I hope to have many more to come. I love how when I no longer have a job or an agenda my sense of time changes and I no longer feel rushed or like I have to get to the next thing. I can just relax and enjoy life for what it is. What a gift.

I had a really wonderful meal with my friend Chris this evening. I’m really going to miss our conversations. He’s such an interesting guy and so laid back. I’m really glad we’ve become friends and I’ve been able to see him every week or couple of weeks. This would have been a different experience without him here.

On the way home, I felt this happiness and joy. What I liked the most about the feeling was that I wasn’t afraid of it. There was no voice in the back (or front!) of my mind that was trying to figure out if I was going manic or needed to be concerned. I’m so grateful to have gained the gift of freedom from my mental illness. I no longer have to live in fear of another manic episode or try to analyze whether how I feel is how I’m supposed to feel. I can just let myself be. What a wonderful gift. One that I never thought I’d have, which makes it all the more special. I like the unexpected. I welcome the unexpected and continuing changes in my life. This past year I’ve changed, evolved and become a different person right before my eyes. I can’t help but acknowledge a sense of satisfaction, a sense of easiness, comfort and finally a sense of peace to in being just who I am: an imperfect, accepting-of-who-I-am person. I’m not sure I’ve ever really looked at myself and just accepted things as they are. It’s a truly blessed moment to be able to do it right now. I am me; flawed and imperfect, but still capable of loving and capable of being loved. Two things I’ve never allowed myself to be or do.

Changes changes everywhere. What’s in store?

I finally booked a flight to Istanbul! I’m so excited. And not just to be leaving China and no longer be teaching. I’m excited for more than just the avoidance of things I don’t like (China, teaching). I’m excited to be somewhere that inspires me. A place with fascinating culture, interesting people and a world class city (not to mention the amazing modern art museum!). I might decide to apply for a residence permit. I need to do some research on it and see how much it costs to do and how long the process takes. I’d totally stay in Istanbul for a while if I like it. As fun as it would be to go to Prague or Beirut in 3 months time, I’d really like to put down some firmer roots in Istanbul. Dating with the idea I’ll only be around for a few months would be difficult. I’m hoping to find a long(er) term relationship.

My flight leaves in 2 weeks! I just can’t believe it. Two more weeks and I’ll be off this continent. I’m so ready to be done with teaching. Woot woot! This school is more than a joke.

I really hope to find lots of time in Istanbul to focus on writing and drawing. Mix some dating and sightseeing in there and my schedule will most likely be more than full. Who has time to work, anyway? In all seriousness, though, I need to start focusing on writing or selling drawing or something. I’ve got to apply myself in some way to make some money. Take some risks with a few things. I hope I feel inspired to do that – or just force myself to regardless of how I feel. Yeah, that sounds like it might be a little more likely than the feeling inspired, but who knows.

While walking to work today I had an interesting thought/revelation. I live in a world that’s currently uninhabited. There are people around me, but I don’t see them as alive or awake. I’m not even sure I am. In fact, I don’t think that I am. I think that I’m headed in that direction, but I’ve been wrong in the past. And, like I figured out a decade ago, dig deep enough and the only thing I’ll find is nothing, but that nothing is what’s beautiful.

I have moments, like this morning, where my thoughts seem to be on a different plane than normal. Like they are being directed and guided from a different source. I’m still myself, but I feel like I’m a part of the world on a different scale and level than ever before in the past. Like I’m more than just me. They are still my thoughts and I’m still having them, but they’re originating from somewhere I’m not familiar with. I found this morning’s walk to work to be a little unsettling, actually. I enjoy a change in perspective and the ability to see the world through a different lens, but it’s also unfamiliar to enter that mode.

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was playing cards with some other people and when it came my turn to play I told them they weren’t going to believe it. I had been dealt a whole bunch of aces – like 8 of them. Way more than are in an actual deck.

I’m grateful to be another day closer to being done with this job. I can’t wait to leave China and move on with my life. I’m enjoying myself right now, but Istanbul is going to be more amazing than I can fathom. Woot woot!

I know I can make it through these final two weeks of work. I need to try harder to maintain a positive attitude and enjoy the last few classes that I’m going to teach. I will get through it and if I manage to enjoy my final days teaching that would be all the better.

For a long time I had this running idea that I’d write a book of some kind and that if I really poured my heart and soul into it I could even get it published and possibly make enough money that I’d have the financial freedom I’ve craved for what seems like my entire life. I realized a couple months back that I was using the book idea as a lottery ticket of sorts and the latest, and slightly sneaky, reincarnation of the life-will-be-better-when game. I pushed the book out of my mind and haven’t really thought much about it since.

I’ve been pretty focused on drawing and spending much of my free time drawing. I’d much rather draw than try to write, which may be nothing more than an avoidance tactic. I do love drawing, though. And I like seeing the drawings come into form and I also love seeing the progression in the drawings that I’m able to complete. They are certainly getting better and each one I seem to like more than the last. That’s a lot of fun. I hope the trend continues.

The last few days, the idea of this book has been popping back into my head. I’ve also been seeing things that remind me of it and that I need to try to write it. If nothing else, it would be a good way to cleanse my soul. I’m not sure if it’ll happen, but I have to try. I have a story to tell and I think I could compellingly tell it if I tried.

“What you share with the world is what it keeps of you.” Noah and the Whale.

I had a really fun day today. I went to a place called 5 dragons pools with 2 other teachers. One of them I’d never met before. We grilled and then hiked around the mountains. The scenery was really beautiful. I’m grateful they invited me and that I decided to go. What a fun day! They both also got a bit sloppy drunk, but that was fun too. haven’t been around drunk people like that for a while.

I heard back from my DOS today. I sent him a pretty bitchy email and accused him of not following the contract which I should not have done. I’ve had to apologize twice in the past few days for being an asshole. I should have realized at the time I was misreading that situation, but I didn’t. I will say that I had good reason for thinking he was letting me go before I wanted to be let go. Next time I hopefully won’t let my imagine get the better of me and will approach it in a more professional manner. I sent an apology and if he’s still mad there’s not a whole lot I can do. I also offered to stay until mid-May if the school wants me to. I have a feeling they’re going to let me be done at the end of April. I hope that’s how it works out, but the money from working in May would be nice, too, so however it works out I’ll take it.

While buying food to grill this morning I had an interesting experience. There is so much uncertainty in my future. I had one of those moments where I realized how much is changing and all that is going on. I feel in the past I would have connected with a lot of anxiety and stress. Instead I felt this wonderful, intense feeling of joy. It was awesome. I’m not used to having anything like that happen. It just felt good and I felt excited about the future and what’s in store even with all the uncertainty. It was a really great feeling.

I’ve been getting more and more excited to leave China. It’s really more than just leaving China, though. I’m really looking forward to Istanbul and calling that city my home, if only for a few months. It’s going to be a wonderful place to live.

I’ve cut myself off from a lot of things in China. One of them is dating. I’m hoping to do some of that in Istanbul. Turkish guys all seem very nice. I’ve been working on accepting my flaws. It’s tough, especially considering that I’m the heaviest and most out of shape that I’ve been in the last decade. I started to try eating better and getting more exercise, but the progress has been slow. There has been progress, though, so that’s at least good.

I’ve got to figure out an income relatively soon. I’m not stressing so much about it now, but really I can’t go forever without having some kind of income. Today I tried looking at remote jobs. I didn’t have much luck. I know that something will pop into place and I’ll be taken care of. I might be a bit poorer before that happens, but I’ll survive. It’s worth it. I’m entering a new phase of my life and super excited about it!

Ok, off to bed now. I’m planning to join a few guys tomorrow for a bbq and hiking in a nature spot a little ways out of Ningbo. I’m excited to go, but I have to get up early which won’t be great.

Oh, I almost forgot. This last week of work was really tough to get through. I think a lot of it was that it was my first full week in a while. I took a whole week off when my parents were here and then last week was a short week since we didn’t work our long teaching days on Saturday and Sunday. When I went to bed last night I was thinking that maybe I should just try to be done now and not even teach the final two weeks. It would be a bad idea financially, but it might be the best for the students, the school and definitely for me. I’m going to think about it more. I think next week should be easier. And really, it’s only 2 more weeks. I hope it goes well!

Woot woot! Leaving China soon! Yay! It’s nice to be excited and feel grateful for moving on with my life.

My decision to spend the last 6 months living and working in China highlights one central theme that has woven it’s way through my past: I’m a poor decision maker. Not only do I find it difficult to make decisions, the ones I do are generally not very good ones.

I had some ups and downs today. At times I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of moving out of this apartment and leaving China, the security of a job and a paycheck, an apartment I’ve lived in for 6 months and the routine I’ve developed here. I also feel overwhelmed by the prospect of another new city where I have no friends, will need to find a place to live and all of those other things.

I then, of course, have moments of this glorious hope. Hope for the future and hope in my ability to be happy and live the life I want to live. I’m so excited to be done working for this shitty school and to get the fuck out of China. I’m also so excited to be back exploring a vibrant, beautiful city that I love. The moments I felt overwhelmed certainly outnumbered the ones I was filled with hope. I’m hoping that trend gets reversed more as the days towards my departure become closer. I’m trying to live in the now as much as possible, but I have to admit the future looks pretty amazing.

Well I finally got confirmation on my last day which will be April 28th. I was pissed when I got the email. I’ve since gotten a lot less angry about it. I’m still upset because I don’t like being jacked around or taken advantage of, but the idea of getting the fuck out of here 2 weeks earlier than I’d anticipated and having 1 less week to teach really, really appeals to me. I can barely believe I’ll be back in civilization in a matter of weeks. I also couldn’t be more excited about it.

I typed out an angry, indignant response when I got to work today which I didn’t send. I then typed out another shorter, less indignant, but still clearly angry email that I did send. I’m ok with that. As excited as I am to be leaving earlier than I’d anticipated I feel like I’ve been wronged. I also have been painting myself the victim in this whole episode which I don’t like. I have a tendency to do that. My anger was certainly justified, but I’ve mostly let it go at this point. I’m still debating as to whether I will leave a review of some kind about the school. I really would like to write one that’s as objective as possible, but in all likelihood laziness will win over. It usually does in these situations.

OMG I’m going to be leaving China soon! I’ve got a lot to do before my departure, but I should have enough time to get it all to fall into place. I can’t wait for the next phase of this adventure – and to be leaving Asia. I’ve been on this continent for long enough. Way too long, actually. Woot woot!

I spent a long time not living my life. Like, a really long time not living my life. Not only was I not living my life, but I was actively trying to make myself suffer.

I can’t do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore. I’ve got this one life that I’m finally living and I can’t succumb to complacency or hiding in the safety of something that doesn’t provide me satisfaction. It’s tough. Really tough some days – days like today. Today I was racked with doubt and uncertainty. I know I’m making the right decision moving to Istanbul, but that doesn’t make the vulnerability and uncertainty I’m plunging myself into any easier. And, in all likelihood, it’s not going to get any easier. I know the status quo doesn’t work for me and I’m no longer going to try to make it work. I’ve got to take risks and face my fears. If I fall flat on my face so be it. At least I’ll finally be living. I’d prefer taking a risk and failing then playing it safe and remaining unhappy.

Deep in my heart I know I’ll be taken care of. As long as I follow my heart my emotional, spiritual and financial needs will be met. It’s hard to trust in that all the time, but I do believe it to be true.

I love art and museums. I enjoy drawing. I like both reading and writing. I have a passion for traveling. I am good at comedy and humor. I’m a great problem solver. I’m smart and articulate. I like to meditate and learn about spiritual practices. Certainly, something will come up. Be it a job, career or educational path I’ll decide to pursue. As long as I keep my eyes and ears open I have faith that I will find my way. I just have to lean into the uncertainty and face my fears. I can only pray for the courage, motivation and wherewithal to make it through these tough days to make a new life a reality.