I spent a nice day bumming around Shanghai. I went to a meeting at noon and then checked out an art museum. Afterwards I went to the bund area and people watched. It was nice.

I met a friend for dinner and then went to another meeting. All in all a good day. After the meeting I spent hours talking to David. I hate that I’m super allergic to his cat. I’m wheezing right now and not feeling the greatest, but I had a great conversation with him and am glad that I’m staying here. It’s not going to be hard to say goodbye to China. It will be difficult to say goodbye to all of the interesting, nice people I’ve met in this country.

I went to Yellow Mountain a few weeks ago. The fog is usually pretty bad which makes the visible poor. On the hike up the mountain it was clear that what we couldn’t see was really beautiful. I feel like that’s about how my life is after Friday. It’s a cloud that I can’t see past right now, but I’m pretty sure that everything that lies beyond it is really beautiful. I’ve just got to wait until the clouds part and I can get a glimpse of what I can’t see from this vantage point. I’m really grateful I’m taking this risk and trying something different. I’m sure if nothing else it’ll be a great learning experience.

Woot woot! One more full day and then I’m off to Istanbul. What a life I’m living these days. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

I’m exhausted and grateful I get to go to bed very soon. I really like staying with David in Shanghai, but I can’t stop wheezing and it’s really uncomfortable. I don’t like this at all. I took some allergy stuff not long ago which I don’t think will help a lot. It’s maybe the reason I feel so tired right now. I suppose if it helps me sleep that’s at least better than nothing.

I sent quite a few emails today. I emailed people looking to rent a room in their apartment in Istanbul. I don’t think it’ll be too hard to find one that works well. Considering how much I love walking around cities an apartment that’s centrally located is pretty important to me. I also emailed some AA people asking for advice and whether they knew of someone looking to rent out a room in their apartment. It feels good to finally be making some forward progress on all of that.

Only a few more days and I’ll be in Istanbul! Woohoo! I am going to miss Shanghai and the friends I’ve made here, but I’m so ready to get out of China. And I really want to date and meet guys. Turkish guys can be really, really hot. I hope that dating and meeting guys doesn’t prove to be that difficult. I don’t think it will. At least as long as I can mentally get over feeling so gross about myself and my weight. I’ll have to start praying for some help in dealing with that. Today was better for food and I did quite a bit of walking, but there will still need to be some forward progress made on that front, too.

OMG Istanbul so soon! Yay!

I didn’t update last night because I was simply too exhausted and having to log into this VPN site and then write out an update was simply too much.

Everything went smoothly yesterday. I stayed up really late the night before packing and getting everything ready to go. I did a going away dinner of sorts with J and LE the night before and then ended up going to a cafe afterwards and staying out much longer than I’d anticipated. It was a little stressful at times, but I managed to get my apartment at least a little cleaned and everything packed. The welfare officer from the school came by in the morning and helped me get everything sorted. It was basically a day of people handing me money. I was handed my final month’s pay, I got my security deposit back (yay!) and then went to the bank of closed my account and took everything out. I sent all the money home with western union and am super grateful that I had as much as I did. It’s nice to have some saved up which will give me some freedom as soon as I get to Istanbul.

I made it to Shanghai last night. I’m excited for a few days here. I’ve got to get rid of some of the stuff I’d anticipated taking to Istanbul. I simply have too much stuff and it’s a pain to travel with. I don’t need to take books and things that I haven’t read, and probably won’t read, any further. It’s certainly time to divest myself of those things.

Woohoo! Only a few more days and I’ll be living in a new city and on a new continent. Yay!

I had a really great last night in Ningbo. I went out to eat after work with J and LE. When we finished eating we went to a cafe not far from where I live that I’ve wanted to go to for a while. We continued to talk much longer than I’d anticipated, but since it’s probably the last time we’ll be able to I decided the packing and cleaning could wait.

It’s now 2 am here. My apartment is not clean and I’m not fully packed. I plan to go to bed soon and get up in the morning and finish. I’ve got a bad habit of hitting the snooze button, so hopefully tomorrow will be different and I’ll pop out of bed and start finishing these things. The welfare officer from our school will be here at 10 am to meet with me and the people I rented the apartment from. After that we are going to the bank and the internet place. Those are the only two errands I have left to run in Ningbo so once they are done I’ll just have to say goodbye and leave.

I’m extremely grateful to be leaving tomorrow. I have this strange mix of emotions right now: a little anxiety and apprehension for the future, relief that I’m finally done teaching and leaving Ningbo, some sadness that I’ll be moving on and perhaps never seeing a few people that have become pretty good friends over these last six months and, of course, a shitload of hope that Istanbul proves to be a wonderful place to be for a while.

In 2012 I became willing to start living my life. In 2013 I started living my life. 2014 is all about working towards my dreams and making them come true. I’m ready to be astounded. The future has more promise than I’ve ever encountered and the present moment is filled with peace, contentment and gratitude. What a wonderful gift.

I am tired. It was a long day at work teaching 4 classes. After work I met with Chris which I really enjoyed. We have such interesting conversations and he’s so smart. It’s always fascinating.

We met at Ganesha and afterwards walked to Starry because I wanted to use my gift card. Starry ended up being open, but the bakery was closed. There is also a restaurant that I wasn’t aware of. We sat and drank this wonderful brown sugar and ginger tea and ate ice cream. It was great and allowed the conversation to continue. I’m really going to miss him. I can hopefully keep in touch. It would be wonderful if he came to Istanbul, too. I could be his tour guide around the city. That would be fun.

God is fucking with me. At least that’s what I’ve decided. It’s time I let go of my past. Really, what I need to do is forgive myself. Songs keep popping up on my ipod that remind me of the time I was crazy and that I still haven’t quite made peace with it all. I have this notion that I need to write a book or something more significant about the experience – at least relay the pain of it to someone else in order to let it go, but in reality I don’t need to do any of those things. All I really need to do is forgive myself and everyone else involved in the matter. I’m ready to forgive myself and let go of those events. It’s something that happened to me, it doesn’t define who I am. Just like a snake sheds its skin, I can shed the past that’s been haunting me all of these years. Something to think about, anyway.

Ok, it’s late and I have to get up early to teach for my last day. I’m extremely grateful I only have 2 classes tomorrow and then I’m done. Dinner afterwards with the other teachers will be nice and then I’ll be gone before I know it. I still have a lot of cleaning and packing to get done, but everything always gets done one way or another so I suppose I don’t need to worry about it too much. And before I know it, I’ll be in Istanbul. Woo hoo! Freedom is at hand. I’m grateful for second chances!

I’m really grateful everyone at work is treating me so much nicer than I’ve treated them. I’ve been a dick at certain times these past few months and have been an even bigger dick the last couple of weeks. Now that I’m needing to rely on people for help getting everything ready to leave China, I’m grateful many are still willing to help me. I lose sight of things at times and act in a way I’m not proud of. It’s something I’ll try to keep an eye on in the future. I’ve recognized the pattern at least. That’s a step in the right direction, I hope.

I feel like I’ve awakened from a trance. These past few months I’ve been telling myself this story about how bad China is, how much I hate working at my school, and blah blah blah. I think I got caught up in all of that and couldn’t find my way out. China really isn’t that bad and the school I’m working for really isn’t that bad. Sure, it’s not been the best place for me to be, but the people are nice and there’s really not a whole lot that’s expected of me as far as work goes. This situation could definitely be worse. I’m not sure how I lost sight of that. I really do need to work on changing the story I tell myself – especially in light of how easy it is for me to get brainwashed by it. I hate it when this happens. It hasn’t happened to this extent for a while. Normally these things don’t last quite as long as it has this time. Something to be aware of, I suppose.

Woo hoo! In less than a week I’ll be in Istanbul. Attractive men, an amazing city to explore, a world class modern art museum and a beautiful summer ahead of me! I feel like the luckiest man alive!

I got an email from this place in Minneapolis where I’ve taken a few writing classes in the past. They have a mentor series that basically anyone is free to apply to. I got an email about it a while ago and after reading the eligibility requirements decided it wouldn’t work for me. I emailed the coordinator last night to get clarification on whether I was eligible and she said I was.

I really want to apply. The problem is I’d need a 15-20 page writing submission and the application deadline is only a few days away. Days that will be filled with work and moving out of this apartment and town in China. I could apply to either the fiction or nonfiction portion of it, or both. If I tried doing both I’d have to write two 15-20 page submissions. I really want to apply, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get something written. On the one hand, I have felt like writing lately and I feel like I not only have something to say, but that I’ve got something that is ready to come out. I know that regularly updating this has certainly helped.

I wrote for a little while tonight. Nothing spectacular or very much, but it was nice to actually write something with a goal in mind. I’ve decided to appeal to my higher power; if it’s meant to be -as in applying, my higher power will help me with the strength and the courage to make that happen. I don’t even want to think about what my odds of being chosen are. And really, being chosen isn’t quite the issue right now. It’s simply a matter of choosing to work for something I want. And I want this. I also want to produce something more than what I’ve been producing. I need to produce something more. I’m going to sleep on it and hopefully work some more in the morning or tomorrow evening to make it happen. Ideally I’d like to produce something that’s funny and emotionally honest. I want to be truthful about my past, but I don’t want to get bogged down in unhappiness or depressing thoughts. It needs to be a blend of humor and raw emotion.

The cool thing about the contest is that one of the mentor author is a woman who came on my radar a while ago. I still haven’t actually read a book she’s written, but the shorter article she wrote was really amazing and after reading it I decided I really want to learn how to do that. Ok, so I hope it all works out. At least there is progress and movement. That’s appreciated.

I’ve got a lot on my mind and only 14 minutes to get through this with the VPN. Let’s go!

Today gave me much to think about. The new teacher who is replacing me is at the school now and watched my two classes today. The Chinese manager of our school watched me teach the first class which was really weird. At first I was very upset about it because the only thing I could figure was that he wanted to make sure that I was teaching alright and was there to check on me. That pissed me off. I’ve done a crappy job of teaching these last couple weeks – I’ve actually done the best job I could under the circumstances, but my attitude wasn’t in a very good place so the teaching was pretty poor. What pisses me off about it, though, is that the school didn’t care enough to help me become a better teacher to have me regularly watch more senior teacher’s classes or to have my own classes observed. It’s frustrating that now, the week I’m leaving, they would take interest.

So while I’m teaching this class, which I wasn’t excited about to begin with, I find myself getting more and more upset and thinking maybe I’ll just quit on the spot. Like call him out on it and just be done with the school early. I applied today’s lesson from the course and it seemed to help. I also realized that there could be other reasons he was watching my class. It’s a weak class and the TA wants to not bump them up to the next level when this one is done and do a few months of review classes to get them ready for the next level. I realized maybe that was why he was in the class watching it. I don’t really think that’s why. In reality, I think he was there to make sure I was going to teach class up to at least some kind of standard. I’m going to ask him tomorrow why he came to watch my class. I didn’t appreciate him just showing up and not giving me any forewarning.

It’s not easy to admit that you’re not good at something and that you’ve failed. I feel like I have failed at this teaching because I don’t like it and it’s not something I could continue doing. I also don’t feel like the school gave me nearly as much support as they could have so I was bound to fail in a way. I mean really, I could have taken it upon myself to work harder and learn more. There are resources and other teachers I could approach about helping me to become a better teacher and I didn’t do that. But, that’s also not something I would do. I need more formal, scheduled things and accountability in order for that kind of growth to occur. It’s one of the things I didn’t find at this school.

The other thing I realized is that I have hated this job for quite a while. And how did I get to the point where I hate this job so much? These past few months have basically been hell. I’ve not been happy teaching or in class and in reality the students are actually pretty nice and they just want to have fun. I don’t understand how I let my attitude get away from me so much. Working for this school wouldn’t be nearly as bad if I hadn’t made it out to be so bad.

That said, I have no intentions of getting another teaching job. Working for a language school under these circumstances is not for me.

The other thing that’s been rattling around inside my head is that there is still a part of me, deep down, locked away somewhere inside that doesn’t want to be happy. That doesn’t feel I deserve to be happy or that I ever will be. I want to fight that and evict from my mind. I do want to be happy and I do deserve to be happy. I just spent so long feeling otherwise I’m now stuck in this space where I’m trying hard as hell to be happy and to find that, but there’s a lag for some reason. I need to examine this more and pray for some help.

Ok, times up. Frantic and not very cohesive, but I got it all out.

Today was relaxing and everything, but kind of a dud. I mean I didn’t do much of anything until I met up with some friends for dinner and a movie in our neighborhood. I did end up having a nice Chinese guy over I’d met a couple weeks ago. That was sort of fun.

I’m stubborn. And I feel like I need to let go of some things. I view the world much differently than I have in the past, but there are still things that I just have to let go. I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to do so. These ideas that are so rooted in my past and who I am don’t serve me well today. They also aren’t operating on the surface anymore, but I haven’t escaped them entirely, either. So, here are a few new operating rules I plan to go by from now on:

I deserve to be happy.
I am capable of loving and allowing myself to be loved.
I am worthy of love.
I deserve to live the life I want to live.
I deserve to have my dreams come true.
I am a smart, funny, attractive man any guy would be lucky to date.
I do not need to fear the world around me or the people in it.
As long as I follow my heart my emotional, physical, spiritual and financial needs will be met.
I can allow for God to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

These last two are especially important for me to keep in mind right now. I’m flying to Istanbul soon without knowing where I’ll live or how I’ll manage to support myself when I get there. I trust that there is a plan and that it will be revealed when I’m ready. My intuition is leading me back to Istanbul for a reason. I do not know what that reason is right now. I do not need to know. I have all the resources I need to take the next step. Everything else I can let God take care of for me. I’ll just work on heeding his call. I’ll allow him to work out the details.

What a blessed life I live. What a blessed world surrounds me. I’m lucky I get to spend the rest of my life surrounded by it. I spent the first 30 years on my own. I’m grateful I’ve got someone else by my side now. Someone who is in the business of providing miracles. I like miracles.

I am so cold right now. The room isn’t that cold, but I have the chills for some reason. I’m pretty sure that I’m sick, this is just my only symptom. I’ve been feeling off the last few days and haven’t been able to pinpoint the reason behind it. I hope it passes quickly. I don’t want to be sick my last week in Ningbo. Yay! It’s my last week in Ningbo.

I got dinner with a girl who works in town that I don’t know very well. I asked her to dinner a few weeks ago and we weren’t able to get it coordinated with our respective families being in town. It finally happened tonight and I’m really glad it did.

She’s very smart, pretty, funny and driven which are all qualities I respect in a person. We ended up talking about real stuff which was so nice. I miss being able to talk about real stuff with people near me. Sure, I still do it sometimes when I skype with people from back home, but it’s certainly not as often as it used to be. It’s also nice to share physical space with someone while talking about issues we’ve encountered in our lives. She’s had similar struggles to my own which she shared with me. I in turn shared my struggles with her. I’m grateful that worked out.

I broke down crying when I got home. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I know it’s from talking about these things that I’ve got locked away that I don’t share with people often. I feel like I can share them now; like they aren’t experiences I need to hide or run away from. I didn’t get deep into the specifics, but even just mentioning them in the manner I did has clearly set something off inside me. I’ve got to share with other people and/or write about the experiences of my past. I need to clear my chest and my heart of them. It’s clearly weighing me down more than I’m able to realize and my freedom depends on me working through the emotions associated with them in a positive, cathartic way. I want to be able to walk away afterwards and say “hey, these are experiences I had, but they in no way define who I am.” I’m a different person today than I was a year ago. I was a different person a year ago than I was a year before that. I continually like the person I’m becoming more than the person I was in the past and I’m enjoying the journey of becoming a new, different person. If this trend continues, and I have every reason to believe that it will, in another year, or few years, I’m going to really be at a good place. I like where I am now, but it’s really great to see progress that’s being made. I finally have hope and don’t feel nearly as helpless as I once did.