My legs are sore from running up and down the stairs in my apartment building for an hour yesterday. It’s a really beautiful feeling. I haven’t had the pleasure much in the last year of feeling physically sore from exercise. My knees also don’t hurt too much today. I’m really hoping to keep this up going forward. I’ve got to get myself back into better shape if dating in Turkey is going to maybe happen.

I woke up today feeling much better about my situation and life. I emailed a friend of mine that’s practiced Reiki on me a couple times and wonder if she didn’t send a little something my way. I got a nice email back from her. I’m hoping we can connect the next time I’m in Minnesota and I plan to stay in touch with her going forward.

I had a great idea this morning! I’m going to email a few of my NYC Reiki people about getting a small group of us to send distant treatments to each other. I would really benefit from getting into the habit of sending treatments, but also from receiving distant treatments. I’ve got some major changes that will take a lot of my energy and every little bit will help. I’m tired now, but tomorrow I should be able to dig up an old email with everyone’s email address. I should be able to find at least one other person who will commit to a weekly Reiki trade. If a few people are interested we can switch up who’s sending treatments to whom every week. I’m excited to make this happen!

Tomorrow is Saturday and then Sunday evening I’m heading to Beijing to meet my parents. I can’t believe that’s happening already! It feels like we’ve been talking about this forever and now it’s basically upon us. My parents will be leaving on their terribly long journey Saturday morning. I’m so excited to see them! I don’t even care if we do anything. I just want to hang out and be around them for just over a week. Of course we’ll do some sightseeing, but it’ll just be nice to be in the same room as them. What a gift.

I’m really hoping to make it M and M’s wedding in December and then back to Minnesota for Christmas. I have no idea what I’ll do after that, but we’ll see. I’m also trying to decide if going to the Philippines is the right decision. I’ll have to meditate and ask for guidance on that.

9 minutes go!

I sent an email to S and told him I can’t commit to a teaching job in Shanghai. It was really hard to do, but I feel better now that I’ve closed that door. There’s something really amazing and great coming my way. I can feel it and I’m willing to throw a lot of uncertainty and vulnerability into my path in order to find it. I’m very excited.

I have to go to Istanbul. My gut instinct is telling me it’s where I must go. I still don’t know how I’ll support myself when I get there (or if I’ll even try), but I’m going. It’s been decided. I had joy and humor in Minneapolis and in NJ, but I’ve lost that since moving abroad. In Thailand and now China I’ve gotten a lot more serious about my situation and worked through many things that were looming in my past and following me around. I’m grateful I’ve been able to spend the time looking inward and making peace with those things. I feel like I’ve lost the funny, humorous side I used to have. I want to get that back. I’m going to get that back. I’ve found my serious, honest side, but now I’d like to meld the serious and the funny.

I’ve started asking for help. It’s a key component in realizing change. It’s not something that comes easily, but I’ve learned that when I ask for help it’s always given.

I felt such a connection to spirit this morning. Like everything was working out just fine and that I didn’t have to worry about how I’m going to support myself going forward when this job ends. I had such faith that I would work at the freelance writing and things would fall into place. At some point today, I lost that connected feeling. I started to feel doubt that maybe things won’t work out; that maybe I should take another teaching job in Shanghai for a while to earn some money and be in a better financial situation. One thing I need to do is keep reminding myself that as long as I follow my heart everything else will work out. My heart says it’s time to leave China and strike off to a new place with new goals. As difficult as it is to trust that things will work out, especially when it comes to the financial aspect of it all, I’ve got to maintain hope and the belief that as long as I follow my heart all else will be taken care of. Something will pop up. It might not be doing what I expected or hoped it would, but something will pop up. Another teaching job is not the way for me to go.

I took some time to look at the writing website and started to feel overwhelmed. Like there is just so much to do and I don’t want to do it. It’s really not that difficult though. The steps and process are pretty straightforward. It just involves me putting myself out there and taking a lot of risks.

I’m tired and planning to head to bed early. Maybe I will get up in the morning and look at the freelance writing stuff again. I’m grateful that I got done with 1 of my 3 presentations this week. I’m also really looking forward to seeing my parents on Sunday. I can’t believe that it’s only a few days away.

I have to use a VPN to write an update on here because wordpress is blocked in China. I don’t actually have a VPN so I visit one that offers a free trial every night. Lately it’s only been giving me 10 minutes of time for the free trial. Tonight it gave me 20 – looks like it’s time for a party! Woohoo!

I do not believe in reality. None of what I see around me is real. This world that I appear to inhabit is not real. What I see with my eyes, hear with my ears and the sensations I feel with my body are not real. I think the world in which we live has been constructed to give us humans the impression that we are living in a real world. I really want to learn more about this and develop this thought further. I highly doubt I’m the only one that’s come to this same conclusion. I hope to get the opportunities to explore this further in the future. I have a feeling I will. And with any luck, that day won’t be too far away. Here is what I wrote earlier today while thinking about all of this:

I find it sad that we, as humans, have this incarnation on Earth as conscious, carbon based energy and so many don’t know what it means to feel alive. To be alive and to act like the living. We have this lifetime, possibly future and past ones already lived, in order to feel and experience joy in our human hearts. To love, to dance, to feel the wind and the energy of the universe on, in and through our bodies, yet many refuse to take advantage of it. I certainly did for a long time while I refused to live my life. I’m not going to make the same mistake going forward.

That’s really how I feel about it. And despite the belief that none of this is real, I still have to play the game. At least for now. I need an income, I need money and a place to rest my head at night. I do need to continue playing this game, but I don’t need to believe in the game. And this knowledge will certainly influence the way I choose to live the rest of my life. Truths can be hard, but they are also a path to liberation. A liberation that I’m finding and developing through a better understanding of the world (or rather the illusion of the world) around me. I will awaken from this dream eventually. Sooner or later I’ll be able to see with more clarity. It may not be in this current incarnation, but it will happen.

I will not remain a prisoner forever. Freedom is at hand.

I had a really great day. I’ve mostly just spent it by myself, doing whatever.

I got up this morning and spent a long time doing morning pages. I think it took me 53 minutes because I wrote out both pages backwards with my right hand. I have gotten in the habit of writing one page right handed and backwards and then switching to my left hand so that second page goes faster. I like writing backwards. I’ve noticed that my brain has started reading things from left to right and right to left. Instead of just seeing things and automatically processing them from the left to right the way we normally read, my mind looks at them both ways. This is especially noticeable with numbers since it doesn’t matter what way they go. Words can’t normally be read backwards and still be words.

It was gorgeous out today in Ningbo. Like upper 70s. I left my apartment with the intention of just walking around outside for a minute and paying a bill at the bank, and I ended up walking down to a river a little ways away and running for a while there. I greatly enjoyed the run. I haven’t run outside (or at all, actually) in a long time. It was really nice. And my knees didn’t hurt at all while running. I probably only ran for 30 minutes total and stopped to walk a few times while running. It was so nice to be out in the sun on a clear day and running. Tomorrow is also supposed to be quite warm and sunny so I’m hoping to make it out for another run along the river. What a gift that was.

I’d hoped make some significant headway on some of the bootcamps in the Den, but I only ended up watching one episode. My mind has been processing a lot of information about writing and going about finding clients so I really think I’ll get there, but I had higher hopes for my productivity today. I’m going to spend some time working on it again tomorrow. I might just have to read the bootcamp transcripts instead of listening to the hour long conversation. Reading it is much faster than listening. It would be nice to get through the whole bootcamp I started today before the end of the weekend. I’m not feeling stressed about time or getting this done, but I need to continue to make progress and I don’t seem to find much time during the week to get it done. I’m hoping to spend more time during this coming workweek looking at everything, especially considering the week after my parents will be here so probably nothing will get done that week.

Ok, my 10 minutes is basically up. Later KP!

Ok, only 9 minutes for an update. Let’s do this!

I had a really nice night. A bunch of teachers and other foreigners in Ningbo got together for a going away party for two of the teachers at our school. They are a couple and heading to the States. It was nice to be around people just hanging out. I felt pretty socially awkward at times, but it really wasn’t so bad. And after dinner we went to a bar and sat outside by the river on a patio. I mostly just sat and listened everyone talk. It was nice to feel like I was part of a group again. And that I didn’t need to contribute or be the center of attention. I could just sit and enjoy it for what it is.

I also saw something really funny on the walk home from work. Someone had put a cat and a dog in a cage together and the dog was humping the cat. I found it to be hilarious and took a video of it. Of course I showed everyone at dinner.

I’m at a really weird place with this God stuff. The last two days I’ve prayed in the morning and asked for different things and my prayers have been answered. Today I woke up with the thought “There’s gotta be an easier way” running through my head. Actually, yesterday I woke up with that same thought. My intuition told me to text the guy I met in Bangkok who does a lot of freelance type work and he basically immediately told me if I go to the Philippines I can stay with him for a month and he’ll show me how to do it. It’s like the kindest offer ever. He also seems to be at a really great place in life and how he feels about everything. I’m planning to go once I leave China. I can’t imagine turning down an offer like that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with this writing and making an income online so it’s great to have this amazing offer to have someone who’s figured it out walk me through it. I’m super excited about it. I think it’ll be a real learning experience for me. I’ve still got to message him back, but I’m planning to tell him I’ll go and hang out for awhile.

Ok, so that just took me 7 minutes. Awesome! I’m tired and can’t wait to go to bed. It feels like a really well deserved rest.

Oh, I almost forgot: While I was on the bus going to meed the others tonight, the thought “you know none of this is real” popped into my head. I take it to mean the world around me. I don’t think any of this is real. Anyway, later KP.

Ok, 15 minutes. Get ready, set go!

I prayed this morning before going to work. I try to pray every night before going to bed, but praying in the morning isn’t something I’m in the habit of doing. As I was getting ready for work, I was thinking about how I really wanted to have a better day teaching today. Yesterday was very tough. In fact, the last couple weeks have been quite tough. I can’t seem to get myself into a great place mentally to teach the classes which makes them all difficult. My job isn’t that demanding or hard. I’m able to have fun with it if I want, but when I’m in a bad mood and don’t want to be there class seems to drag on forever. So, today the idea of praying popped into my head and before I left my apartment. I got onto my knees and asked for help making it through the day. I asked for help maintaining a positive attitude and having fun with my classes. While walking to work I ran into a Chinese TA from my school that I’m friends with. I explained to her that I’ve been having a lot of trouble with it all lately, but I’m still trying. It was nice to have that conversation with her. And, as it turned out, classes went much better today than they have been in recent weeks. So much better in fact that I wondered if I shouldn’t stick it out in China teaching for a while longer. I know in my heart that’s not the right path for me, but the thought did cross my mind. I’m extremely grateful to have had a better day teaching.

My parents will be here in a week! I’m so excited to see them! I can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I last shared physical space with them. I’ve decided I should tell them I’ve put in my notice to leave this job. I know it’ll worry them, but keeping it from them is starting to weigh on me. I had planned to just tell them when they get to China, but I think I should do it before then. Hopefully sometime this week.

Ok, that’s all. My computer is threatening to shut down for some updates and I don’t want to get caught mid post by that. This makes 3 days in a row being back KP. I’m grateful to have these short moments where I can talk to you about what’s going on in my life. Hopefully we can delve into something a little more meaningful than the boring, mundane day to day soon.

PS. I really hope Istanbul works out, but am I just trying to return to the scene of the crime? Will it really be beneficial? Would I be better off finding a place I’ve never been and starting fresh? Budapest? Prague? I guess we’ll see. I don’t have to make any decisions right now, but I will want to start thinking about it soon. I doubt it will be too tough to coordinate an apartment, but I’d rather not have any surprises. I’m soooo excited to be somewhere other than Asia. Yay!

I just noticed that yesterday the post was titled 911 instead of the date. I’m not quite sure how that happened. It’s certainly an odd coincidence, but it reminds me to ask for help. I’m not going to be able to do this on my own. That’s for sure.

Ok, I’m using a free trial of a VPN again so I’ve got 10 minutes to write this update. Let’s do this!

I felt much better about my decision to leave China. It’s the right thing to do. I need to be living in a place a little calmer and more relaxed, not to mention a city that’s prettier that I feel more of a connection with. Aside from the expensive parts of Asia – namely Hong Kong and Japan, I haven’t felt a spiritual connection to the area. I really want to go back to Istanbul because I felt that spiritual connection when I was there last time. Not to mention how stunningly beautiful and vibrant the city is. I’m pretty determined to make it to Istanbul, but if the protests continue or get worse I’ll most likely decide to go somewhere else. There are lots and lots of places I could go. Istanbul holds a dear place in my heart and I’d love to start there because it’s a place I would like to spend a few months and already have a connection with (versus choosing a city I’ve never visited), but I’ve got some time to think about it. And really, Istanbul isn’t going anywhere so if I go somewhere else for now I can always head back at a later date. I plan to do this traveling/living a bunch of different places for a while. I think it’ll be really neat.

Work was really, really difficult today. I’m having major motivational problems. I taught a class that I really like this evening, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get excited or put forth the effort it deserved. This was really sad. I hope that I’m able to change my attitude soon. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next couple of months if things don’t improve.

I woke up today feeling really, really fat. And to be honest, after looking in the mirror I came to the conclusion that I also look really, really fat. Damn I’ve gained quite a bit of weight and I feel super uncomfortable with my body right now. I also broke down and ate a shitload of sugar. It’s been slowly creeping back into my diet in the form of juice and not very sweetened cookie things, but today I finally broke down and ate M&Ms, ice cream and a bunch of other junk. It certainly didn’t help the situation. Thankfully I ran up and down the stairs for an hour tonight so I at least got some exercise. I’m hoping to avoid the sugar tomorrow and to also feel better about my weight. I wonder if I didn’t eat something yesterday that’s partly to blame for this major uptick in body image issues I’m experiencing. I know I’ve gained some weight, but it hasn’t been this bad for a while and it seems to have just exploded in the last couple of days. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day with it all! 🙂

Ok, I should get to bed and get this posted. I’ve got less than 2 minutes left to get this update finished. I’ve also got a full day of classes tomorrow. I’m not excited for them, but at least after this weekend I have one more week and then it’s off for a full week. Plus, I get to see my parents. I’m super excited about that! It’s going to be amazing. I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since I saw them. I’m planning to tell them I’m leaving Ningbo sometime this weekend. I figure I should break it to them before they get here.

My day was both good and bad. I felt good this morning with my decision to leave China and head to Turkey. Later on it was a bit more difficult. I found myself struggling with self-doubt and the confidence that I can make this work out. I know that leaving China and striking off to somewhere else is a good idea. I also know that another teaching job is probably not the way to go, but I’ve got a lot of fear which mostly stems from not knowing if I’ll be able to figure out freelance work online and be able to support myself. If it wasn’t for that I’d leave China in a heartbeat without looking back. The day was going really well until I got an email from this guy from the program who more or less offered me a job teaching in Shanghai. It’s not an ideal situation, but there are a lot of positive things about it. I just know in my heart that it’s not the right thing for me to do. I wouldn’t like another teaching job. It would at least give me some time to explore making money online, but I’m concerned it would monopolize so much of my time and energy that I’d not be able to put much effort into the online stuff.

I need to quit thinking about money so much. There’s so much uncertainty surrounding it all, but my higher power has made it so clear that as long as I follow my dreams and do in my heart what I know is right everything else will fall into place and financially I’ll be taken care of. Tomorrow I’m going to take some more time to look at this writing website I joined. I plan to introduce myself and ask for advice from the other members. I need to know if it’s feasible to have an income of $2000/month coming in within the next 4 months. I think I can make things work on that amount of money.

The other thing that really made me wonder if I’m making a terrible mistake is reading about the political unrest in Istanbul right now. I’d probably be ok, but if it escalates I’ll really have to think twice about going there. I do think if I just stayed away from the protests it wouldn’t be a problem, but you never know. Thankfully I’ve got 2 months to see how things change and if it settles down or not. I really hope it does. The articles today were not very positive. I just love Istanbul so much and want to live there for a bit. Worst case scenario is that I can always find somewhere else to go. As much as I’d like it to be Istanbul, I could find another city. I don’t need to make any decisions on that right now and I’m not going to. I know that leaving China is the right decision, but I’m being tempted with how easily everything in Shanghai has fallen into place. I’ll be giving up if I move to Shanghai though. I hope that my higher power makes things clearer for me. I hate being stuck in a negative head space surrounding all of that right now.

I’m grateful I have the courage to be thinking about striking off on my own and figuring out another way of doing things. I’m grateful that I’m not stuck in the cycle of suffering and the belief that I couldn’t, or didn’t deserve, to live a better, happier life. I do deserve to live a happy life. I’m also determined to find it. It’s within my reach and the time is now.

KP!

I can’t believe how long it’s been. Over 4 months since an update and before that the updates were very sporadic. I have so much to catch you up on KP.

I’m in China. In fact, I have to use a VPN to access you because wordpress is blocked in China. I’d really like to start updating daily again. It helped so much when I was doing daily updates. It might take a while to get back into the routine of things, but I’m really going to try.

Ok, so again I’m in China. It’s tough here. I’ve been here for over 4 months now and I’m ready to leave. I haven’t made many friends in Ningbo and certainly don’t have any good friends. There’s been a real lack of joy in my life these past few months. But really, it’s been longer than that. I wouldn’t say there was a ton of joy in my life in Thailand. Well, that is until I left.

I don’t like teaching. It’s been a difficult fact to face up to, but I simply don’t like it and can’t imagine doing it for too much longer. I don’t find the school to be very professional and I don’t like the kids that much either. Couple that with the loneliness I feel in Ningbo and things could definitely be better. I’m getting by and everything – still sober and glad I made the journey here, but I’m ready to leave.

And, thankfully, I am leaving. In 2 months time I will be done teaching. It was a difficult decision to put in my 90 day notice to leave this job, but it was the right decision. At the time I thought moving to Shanghai would be the best thing for me. Shanghai has a lot of contemporary art galleries, a really nice recovery community, comedy shows and a nice group of people I’ve managed to become friends with. Unfortunately, I’m now at the point with this job where I’m not sure I’ll be able to suffer through the next two months. I’m just at a point where I really, really don’t like it. The thought of finding another teaching job in Shanghai is simply not something I’m willing to do. Teaching isn’t for me and I’m ok with throwing in the towel. I’ve also got some exciting plans instead of Shanghai now. I’m going to head to Istanbul for a few months. I’m so excited about the prospect of being back in that city with a longer time to explore and discover all the cool things there are in Istanbul. It really hasn’t been a difficult decision to go back. I fell in love with that city a year ago and it’s time I visit it once again. I’m hoping to coordinate an apartment on Craigslist before I get there and then stay for 90 days which is how long the visa is good for. Logically Shanghai would be an easier and more financially savvy decision on my part, but I can’t teach any more and I feel I’m being pulled to Istanbul. My gut says Istanbul is where I’m meant to be so I’m going to trust my higher power and that the financial aspect of it all will fall into place.

It’s nice seeing you again KP. Like I said, I’m really hoping to make this a regular thing again. I enjoyed our time together before. I’ve also got a lot to process again because so much has changed since I quit the regular updates. Alright, I’m headed to bed now because I’m exhausted.