I’m nearly at wits end right now. I can’t stand to be this fat for even a moment longer. I feel so gross and disgusting right now. I haven’t even eaten that much today. I ran up and down the stairs in my apartment building for an hour and I still feel like the grossest person on earth. I’m having a hard time pinpointing just what the problem is. I mean sure, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight this past year, but it’s not like things have changed that dramatically from a week ago. Not that I was happy with things a week ago, but you know.

I’ve always tried to control things I have no control over with my eating disorder. I’m also entering this period where there are a lot of unknowns and a shitload of uncertainty. If I was a betting man (which I am) I’d guess that the reason I’m so focused on my discontent with my body right now is because of all the uncertainty I’ve got in my immediate future. I’m not too worried that the compulsive eating disorder behavior will surface, but I can’t completely count it out. I’ve not felt this degree of dissatisfaction in years. Tomorrow I will be attending an online OA meeting. I looked a few minutes ago and there appear to be many online meetings every day.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new perspective towards my weight and body image. I certainly can’t handle it getting any worse.

I said goodbye to my parents at the airport this morning. It was tough. I think I’ll see them again next Christmas, but I can’t say with certainty that things will work out that way. I had a great time with them while they were here. I’m grateful to enjoy such a good relationship with them and will forever cherish the memories of their trip to China.

I’m also stuffed up and feeling sick. I think it’s allergies, but I might have a cold as well. It’s not super fun. Boo!

Ok, enough of the pity party. Tomorrow I’m going to attend an online OA meeting and hopefully wake up with a new perspective on my weight. It’s going to get better, I just have to give it time. I know that and believe it to be true, but it’s still difficult to not try something drastic – like starving myself, to drop some weight as quickly as possible. This is uncomfortable and gross. I also can’t help be believe there’s something in the food that simply doesn’t agree with my body and is making it difficult to get this weight under control. Hmm.