A little over a year ago I was in the midst of a breakdown. Well, really, it was a breakdown/spiritual experience. I guess maybe they are all one and the same. At least for me that seems to be true.

As part of this breakdown, I found love and I found God. I also met a guy I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. I’ve never done that before. I’d like to do it again.

Things didn’t work out with him, but I have a beautiful memory of the time we spent together. Istanbul was wonderful and I’m grateful to have had that experience. I can feel something stirring inside me again. A desire, a need, to love and to try. A willingness to allow myself to be vulnerable to a guy again. I haven’t felt that willingness for such a long time.

I also feel myself being pulled back to Istanbul. I’m not sure what I’ll find there, but I’m hoping it’s joy. I think I could find that here, too, in a way. I just think it’ll be better in Istanbul and more conducive to making my dreams come true. A year ago I made a wish in front of a Medusa sculpture that is coming true. I’m living this fun, miraculous life traveling and living abroad. I didn’t even realize it was happening until not that long ago. Apparently dreams do come true.

I had another great day with my parents. It’s so nice to see them and to be able to spend this time exploring China. It’s also opened my eyes up a little more about this place in which I live. It’s a crazy, chaotic place, but it’s home for at least another month and half. I’d might as well make the most of it and try to find whatever joy in every day I possibly can.

I also plan to really tackle this exercise and weight issue so that when I land in Istanbul I feel better about my body and how I look. I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I also know that given a little effort I can at least feel good enough about things that sex and dating will be options. Right now I’ve basically taken both of those things off the table. I don’t want them to be off the table anymore.

I’m looking forward to another nice day tomorrow. I’m not sure what we’ll do, but whatever it is I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. It’ll be hard to see my parents leave again knowing they’ll be going home and they’ll be so far away again, but this is the way it is for right now and I can live with that. I’m grateful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with them in China.