My day was both good and bad. I felt good this morning with my decision to leave China and head to Turkey. Later on it was a bit more difficult. I found myself struggling with self-doubt and the confidence that I can make this work out. I know that leaving China and striking off to somewhere else is a good idea. I also know that another teaching job is probably not the way to go, but I’ve got a lot of fear which mostly stems from not knowing if I’ll be able to figure out freelance work online and be able to support myself. If it wasn’t for that I’d leave China in a heartbeat without looking back. The day was going really well until I got an email from this guy from the program who more or less offered me a job teaching in Shanghai. It’s not an ideal situation, but there are a lot of positive things about it. I just know in my heart that it’s not the right thing for me to do. I wouldn’t like another teaching job. It would at least give me some time to explore making money online, but I’m concerned it would monopolize so much of my time and energy that I’d not be able to put much effort into the online stuff.

I need to quit thinking about money so much. There’s so much uncertainty surrounding it all, but my higher power has made it so clear that as long as I follow my dreams and do in my heart what I know is right everything else will fall into place and financially I’ll be taken care of. Tomorrow I’m going to take some more time to look at this writing website I joined. I plan to introduce myself and ask for advice from the other members. I need to know if it’s feasible to have an income of $2000/month coming in within the next 4 months. I think I can make things work on that amount of money.

The other thing that really made me wonder if I’m making a terrible mistake is reading about the political unrest in Istanbul right now. I’d probably be ok, but if it escalates I’ll really have to think twice about going there. I do think if I just stayed away from the protests it wouldn’t be a problem, but you never know. Thankfully I’ve got 2 months to see how things change and if it settles down or not. I really hope it does. The articles today were not very positive. I just love Istanbul so much and want to live there for a bit. Worst case scenario is that I can always find somewhere else to go. As much as I’d like it to be Istanbul, I could find another city. I don’t need to make any decisions on that right now and I’m not going to. I know that leaving China is the right decision, but I’m being tempted with how easily everything in Shanghai has fallen into place. I’ll be giving up if I move to Shanghai though. I hope that my higher power makes things clearer for me. I hate being stuck in a negative head space surrounding all of that right now.

I’m grateful I have the courage to be thinking about striking off on my own and figuring out another way of doing things. I’m grateful that I’m not stuck in the cycle of suffering and the belief that I couldn’t, or didn’t deserve, to live a better, happier life. I do deserve to live a happy life. I’m also determined to find it. It’s within my reach and the time is now.