I’m nearly at wits end right now. I can’t stand to be this fat for even a moment longer. I feel so gross and disgusting right now. I haven’t even eaten that much today. I ran up and down the stairs in my apartment building for an hour and I still feel like the grossest person on earth. I’m having a hard time pinpointing just what the problem is. I mean sure, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight this past year, but it’s not like things have changed that dramatically from a week ago. Not that I was happy with things a week ago, but you know.

I’ve always tried to control things I have no control over with my eating disorder. I’m also entering this period where there are a lot of unknowns and a shitload of uncertainty. If I was a betting man (which I am) I’d guess that the reason I’m so focused on my discontent with my body right now is because of all the uncertainty I’ve got in my immediate future. I’m not too worried that the compulsive eating disorder behavior will surface, but I can’t completely count it out. I’ve not felt this degree of dissatisfaction in years. Tomorrow I will be attending an online OA meeting. I looked a few minutes ago and there appear to be many online meetings every day.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new perspective towards my weight and body image. I certainly can’t handle it getting any worse.

I said goodbye to my parents at the airport this morning. It was tough. I think I’ll see them again next Christmas, but I can’t say with certainty that things will work out that way. I had a great time with them while they were here. I’m grateful to enjoy such a good relationship with them and will forever cherish the memories of their trip to China.

I’m also stuffed up and feeling sick. I think it’s allergies, but I might have a cold as well. It’s not super fun. Boo!

Ok, enough of the pity party. Tomorrow I’m going to attend an online OA meeting and hopefully wake up with a new perspective on my weight. It’s going to get better, I just have to give it time. I know that and believe it to be true, but it’s still difficult to not try something drastic – like starving myself, to drop some weight as quickly as possible. This is uncomfortable and gross. I also can’t help be believe there’s something in the food that simply doesn’t agree with my body and is making it difficult to get this weight under control. Hmm.

Today was the last day with my parents in China. We are getting up early in the morning and heading straight to the airport where I’ll say goodbye. I’m not sure when I’ll see them again; I’m tentatively thinking I’ll be back in the United States for Christmas next year, but everything is up in the air as far as future plans go. It’s tough to say goodbye especially knowing that it’s going to be another 8 months or so (at the earliest) before I see them again.

I’ve greatly enjoyed my time with them in China. It’s going to be so strange (and hard) to say goodbye to them tomorrow. I’m really enjoying living abroad right now and getting these varied experiences. I think I’ll land back in the US within the next couple of years, perhaps sooner, but right now traveling and living abroad is the right thing for me. I’m so excited about my next step and seeing where the world takes me.

I’m starting to think I’ll maybe go straight to Istanbul and skip the Philippines. I’d love to see Brian and get some advice on how to do this online stuff, but I’m feeling pulled to Istanbul as soon as possible. A layover in the Philippines would be fun, I’m sure, but I’ve really got to meditate on it and see if that’s the right thing for me right now. At this point my gut is saying just get to Istanbul and see how everything else settles. I’ve got some time to mull it over and get some more information on how it all is going to shake out. I’m feeling antsy about getting some firmer plans down, though. Like nailing down a place to stay for a few months and getting flights booked. I’m still in no hurry, but this week I’ve got to start looking at my time frame and coming up with a realistic plan of action.

A part of me is sad about leaving China and the friends I’ve made here. Another part of me is really excited for the future adventures I’ve got in store. I’m hoping to find joy soon. After that everything else should fall easily into place.

I really didn’t feel like logging into this for an update tonight, but I’m trying really hard to get back in the habit of doing one every day again because I think it was really helpful. I guess I’ll just keep it short tonight.

I had a nice day with my parents. We went to Tianyi Library in Ningbo. I’d never been there, but it was very interesting. I actually hadn’t quite realized how much historic shit there is to do in the city. I have a few more things I’d like to check out before leaving in May now. I’ll have to get on that.

My sex drive was a bit dormant for a while, but it seems to be coming back. I think this is good. I don’t really want to hook up with people so much. I’d really like to go on some dates and just see. I think my general level of horniness may override my dissatisfaction with my body and allow me to get naked with someone. It’ll definitely be good motivation to eat right and continue getting adequate (or more) amounts of exercise. I’d like to be in a better position body image wise when I get to Istanbul so I can hit the ground dating. Yay!

Last day with the parents in Ningbo tomorrow. It’s going to be really, really strange when they leave.

A little over a year ago I was in the midst of a breakdown. Well, really, it was a breakdown/spiritual experience. I guess maybe they are all one and the same. At least for me that seems to be true.

As part of this breakdown, I found love and I found God. I also met a guy I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. I’ve never done that before. I’d like to do it again.

Things didn’t work out with him, but I have a beautiful memory of the time we spent together. Istanbul was wonderful and I’m grateful to have had that experience. I can feel something stirring inside me again. A desire, a need, to love and to try. A willingness to allow myself to be vulnerable to a guy again. I haven’t felt that willingness for such a long time.

I also feel myself being pulled back to Istanbul. I’m not sure what I’ll find there, but I’m hoping it’s joy. I think I could find that here, too, in a way. I just think it’ll be better in Istanbul and more conducive to making my dreams come true. A year ago I made a wish in front of a Medusa sculpture that is coming true. I’m living this fun, miraculous life traveling and living abroad. I didn’t even realize it was happening until not that long ago. Apparently dreams do come true.

I had another great day with my parents. It’s so nice to see them and to be able to spend this time exploring China. It’s also opened my eyes up a little more about this place in which I live. It’s a crazy, chaotic place, but it’s home for at least another month and half. I’d might as well make the most of it and try to find whatever joy in every day I possibly can.

I also plan to really tackle this exercise and weight issue so that when I land in Istanbul I feel better about my body and how I look. I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I also know that given a little effort I can at least feel good enough about things that sex and dating will be options. Right now I’ve basically taken both of those things off the table. I don’t want them to be off the table anymore.

I’m looking forward to another nice day tomorrow. I’m not sure what we’ll do, but whatever it is I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. It’ll be hard to see my parents leave again knowing they’ll be going home and they’ll be so far away again, but this is the way it is for right now and I can live with that. I’m grateful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with them in China.

I can’t get the VPN I use to access wordpress to work… so here I am.

It blows my mind I live in a country that restricts its citizens speech. Wow. What a clusterfuck.

My parents and I had a great day today. We went to the Temple of Heaven and then to the 798 Art Zone. Both my parents found a few things to buy. I’m grateful they found some souvenirs and I like what they bought.

We are going to Ningbo tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed our time here in Beijing, but I’m glad we’ll have a few days in Ningbo before they leave. Ningbo will be pretty laid back because there isn’t as much to do. I’m looking forward to it.

And with that I’m off to bed. I’ll have to get up early to to catch our flight. Blergh, another early morning. I’ve done the 7 am meeting the last two days and would like a day to just sleep. Not sure when that will happen, but I’m sure it won’t be too long.

I’m excited for these next few months. I think some really great things are going to happen. I anticipate finding joy relatively soon. The last couple days I’ve been having some different thoughts. Mainly about how I don’t think this reality in which I currently reside is real. I have come to the belief I (or we?) live in a simulation of some sort. I’m ok with this. It doesn’t really change anything except for how I view the world. I’ll still try to be a good person and find purpose and meaning to my life the same as I would have without the realization. I have a feeling that’s coming.

Today was phenomenal. I went to a meeting in the morning and one of the guys there mentioned he knows of someone who’s always looking for finance people in Manila. I don’t think I really want another finance job, but I’d consider it depending on the situation and what the job would entail. I’m leaving everything on the table at this time. And who knows, maybe it would prove to be a really great opportunity. I’ll keep an open mind and see if it leads anywhere.

After the meeting we got picked up and went to the Ming Tombs. It was a really interesting area and I enjoyed going through the underground palace. That was a fun stop. Next we went to the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall. That was by far the highlight. It was so cool! And I really enjoyed walking up and down all the steps with my parents. I’m glad we decided to go there and that it worked out so well. The guy we met who drove us was really friendly and interesting, too. What a perfect guide.

I walked all the way to a section of the wall that was really high up on the mountain and led to an area that was basically crumbling. While there, I could hear someone behind me yelling. I would have kept going a bit further, but I figured I should head back and see what was going on. When I got back to the area she was screaming and said that her father had fallen and hit his head. He was lying on the ground with blood around him and was definitely unconscious. I left my phone with a guy up there and ran back down the hill to try to get help. I made it back to one area and was able to use a woman’s phone to call the police. They sent some people up the hill, but it probably took them an hour and a half to get there because they had to walk. I didn’t go back. I maybe should have, but I don’t know CPR and really couldn’t have done anything aside from trying to comfort the girl. I have no idea if her father lived or died. I hope that he lived and that she is doing ok tonight. I tried to help, but it was hard to not be able to do more. My heart goes out to her and her family.

Makes me grateful to have such a good relationship with both of my parents.

We tried, and failed, to make the Great Wall happen today. Instead we wandered around the Forbidden City which was really fun. Tomorrow we are getting picked up in the morning to go to the Great Wall. I’m looking forward to it.

At dinner tonight I let it slip that I’ll be leaving China relatively soon. I’m glad that I’ve finally told my parents. I now have a pit in my stomach like maybe I’m making a terrible decision, but that should pass soon enough. I know this is the right thing for me to do. It’s still been a difficult decision, despite that knowledge.

I’m hoping to make it to a meeting tomorrow. It looks like the clubhouse in Beijing is not far from where I’m staying. I’ll have to take the subway, but it shouldn’t take too long to get there. The meeting is at 7 am which will give me enough time to make it back here before 9 am when we are getting picked up.

I’ve been living a pretty risk-free existence for a while. It’s time I start taking more risks. Starting with leaving China and trying for something different. I can’t just continue trying to stay safe and not taking risks – both with jobs and with dating. I want to love and I want to find meaningful work. I’ll never be satisfied taking the safe road and not at least trying for something more. Sure, I’ll maybe fail. I could also succeed. Or, taking this risk could lead me to something else that is a better fit for me.

I know teaching English in China isn’t something I want to do anymore. I don’t like living in China or teaching. It’s tough to leave the security of it all, but it’s the right thing to do. I know it’s the right thing to do and I’m happy that I made this decision.

There’s got to be something more. I’ve got to try and find it. I can’t just accept what is and live out the rest of my life complacently doing things I don’t like and not fully living. I refuse to play that game anymore.

Here’s to finding my dreams and a life well-lived!

I had an exhausting day walking around Beijing with my parents. It was a lot of fun. We went to Tiananman Square and walked around the Forbidden City. The buildings in the Forbidden City were all closed because it’s Monday, which we didn’t know before getting there. It was still fun. We also have a few more days so we can go back and go through a building or two.

I ate a delicious steak for dinner. It was the first real steak I’ve had in China. I’ve got like 10 months worth of dinners to make up for and we started off strong tonight.

Tomorrow we are going to the great wall. I’m really looking forward to it. The great wall should be very interesting.

I also found out the workout room in the hotel has a rowing machine. I used it earlier. What amazing luck!

I weighed myself this morning. I have been feeling (and looking) really heavy lately. I’ve gained some weight and it’s time to rein that in. I don’t plan to go to crazy lengths to do it, but just remaining conscious of my desire to shed a few pounds will hopefully be a start. Thankfully I’ve started getting some regular exercise with the stairs in my apartment building. That will be a great help. I hate feeling fat and I cringe at the thought of having sex with someone the way I look right now. I’ve never been in love with my body (it’s super flabby even when I’m working out a lot), but where it is now is not even remotely acceptable. I’ve got over a month and a half to get in better shape before going to the Philippines. I can make that happen.

I’m super excited about Istanbul. I’m ready to leave China and dating would be something I could explore in Istanbul. I’m still tentatively thinking I’ll go to the Philippines for a month first, but it’s possible that will fall through. Those plans are not much more than tentative right now. I’d like for it to work (I think), but we’ll see. Regardless, Istanbul will be amazing.

I want to start writing more. I’d like to try to write a book or a series of short stories. I would love to get more serious with my writing and see where I can try to take that. It could turn out to be a pipe dream. Nothing is assured at this point, but I’ll certainly not getting anywhere if I don’t try. I want to at least be trying. Even if I fail, at least I will have taken a risk and shouldered some vulnerability. Let’s hope for some added energy in regards to it all soon. I feel myself headed in that direction.

Ok, time to bed. I’m certainly going to sleep well.

I am beyond exhausted right now. I finally understand what is meant by the phrase “I can’t think straight.”

Not that I’ve done a lot of straight thinking in my life, but you know.

It was great to see my parents tonight and get to hug both of them. I’m really looking forward to our next few days in Beijing and the Ningbo. It’s going to be a lot of fun bumming around China with them and doing random things. It’ll probably be pretty exhausting, too.

I’m off to bed. There is a big day of sightseeing ahead of me tomorrow!

I really like updating KP again every day. It’s been a very welcome addition to my life.

I had an amazing conversation with C today. I’m extremely grateful we got to connect. We’ve been trying to for the past few weeks, it just hasn’t worked out. We got to talk for an hour and a half and it was so great. I’m grateful to have such an amazing person like her in my life even if we don’t get to connect as often as we used to. I’m sure our paths will cross again the future – probably in a pretty significant way, too.

I write a prayer to God every night. I’ve been doing it for a couple months. Tonight is the first night I’ve made the statement that I want to be saved. I can’t believe I’ve been writing prayers for months now and this is the first time I’ve actually said I want to be saved. It’s certainly a turning point in my life. Especially considering how long I not only didn’t want to be saved, but I didn’t want to go on living. I’m so glad that God has found a way into my life and that I can trust him to do for me what I cannot to do for myself. He is my rock, my savior and my guiding light.

C sent me a really great text the other day. She said: You have all the resources you need to take the next step. It’s so true, too. I get so caught up in what the step after the step 4 steps down the line might be. I forget that I don’t need to know how everything is going to work out. I just need to know that it is working out. And really, it is working out. The next step is going to Istanbul. That’s the only step I need to worry about taking right now.

I feel like I had to lose something very precious to me in order to appreciate it even more once I’ve gotten it back. I’ll never take the love in my heart for granted again. It’s a gift from God that I must cherish, appreciate and share every day. I plan to do that going forward. Woohoo!