Hi Kittenparachutes!

Remember that decade I spent trying to destroy myself? Yeah, it taught me I’m invincible. 🙂

I accepted a job offer in China. I got all of the documents sent yesterday so the school can get my work visa processed. I got a great impression of the school. Plus, the guy who hired me is really nice (and cute!). I’m sure you’re not surprised I’d make a decision to choose a school to work at because it’s got a cute guy as the director of studies. The school also seems like it’ll provide plenty of support for me as a new teacher and I get the impression I’ll really like the community of teachers. I’ll be teaching some little kids which I also think I’ll like quite a bit. I can see myself really getting into teaching little kids. If nothing else, it’ll be an adventure.

So aside from the new job, I’m also taking an online writing class that recently started and I signed up for several coursera courses that I’m not sure I’ll be able to dedicate an adequate amount of time too. Oh, and I continue to draw. I’m really enjoying the drawing right now and I’ve decided they’re improving as well. All in all I’d say things are going pretty well. I’ll pop back in again at some point to let you know how things are going in China.

One last thing, KP. You know college basically taught me I can achieve a lot more by not trying than most people can through hard work. What do you think would happen if I actually tried and applied myself? I have a feeling I’m going to find out. It should be a wild ride.

Gratitude List:
Following my heart, going my own way and making it work.
Opportunities I never even dreamed of.
Feeling the pulse of the earth.

Hey KP!

It’s been a while. I haven’t forgotten about you. I started doing this artist’s way workbook which has me journaling every morning. As a result, I haven’t been visiting you as often.

Can we talk?

I feel like I’ve lost my way. I don’t know what to do anymore. Actually, this feels suspiciously like a spiritual bottom. I’ve been immersing myself in spiritual thought and ideas, but it’s only made me feel further away from God or source, rather than closer to it. I want to surrender. I need to surrender. I just don’t know how. Please show me the way.

And, if at all possible, please point me forward on the next segment of my journey. I need to get out of Bangkok ASAP. I’ve severely soured on this place. It’s just unclear at this point what I should do next. You’ve gotten me through so many things KP any help on this would be greatly appreciated. I’ve passed my breaking point as far as being in Bangkok is concerned.

I’m also lonely. So very lonely. Please help.

I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. My life has no purpose and I don’t know how to find it. I’m not sure things will ever be ok. I can hope they will be and try to stay positive, but I don’t think I can keep this up much longer. It’s just not working any more.

It feels like I’m waiting for someone to save me from this situation – from myself, really. I have a feeling that’s not going to happen. It’s time I save myself.

Gratitude List:
KP
Dan
The desire to surrender and turn my will over

I set my alarm for the morning (not something I’m in the habit of doing) with the intention of getting up and going to church in the morning. Perhaps hell has frozen over. I guess if the good lord wants me to be there, he’ll find a way to make sure it happens. I put the odds at a little over 50/50 at this point.

Gratitude List:
An engaging movie
A great conversation with a very good friend
Something to live for

I basically spent the last 24 hours sleeping. I woke up this morning feeling quite sick, so I went back to bed and never quite got up. I went over to the 7-11 a little while ago and got some snacks because I haven’t eaten much in the last 24 hours. I feel better after eating, but will probably try to go back to sleep. My brain feels fried from sleeping so much.

Gratitude List:
Nuts
Hard boiled eggs
Water

Well I woke up with a runny nose yesterday, but now I’ve got a full blown cold. Runny nose, aches, sore throat, chills, headache, etc. I’ve basically been sleeping all day. I’m pissed that I clearly won’t be able to go to Crossfit today and who knows about tomorrow. I just want to not be sick anymore.

Gratitude List:
Not having anything I have to do so I can just rest and get better
Being able to sleep pretty well
Bananas

It’s B’s birthday today. I have been thinking about sending him an email wishing him a happy birthday, but have so far resisted. I was thinking about it last night and it’s not really B that I miss. It’s the intimacy I had with him. I don’t want anything more with him, but I would like to find that with someone else.

I also worked on my resume today. I plan to apply for some jobs tomorrow. I emailed a friend of mine from the CELTA course and asked him to look over my resume and let me know if I should change anything. He’s pretty prompt at returning emails so hopefully I’ll hear back from him tomorrow. I’d like to have someone else take a look before I start sending it off. I was looking at jobs tonight and it really shouldn’t take too long before I get something to fall into place. It’s possible if I apply for a job in a week or two I’ll be gone from Thailand. I have to admit, that’s a really beautiful thought. There was one in Beijing that looked pretty promising. I also saw a few in Saudi Arabia that I kept looking at. I’m pretty sure my mom would murder me if I got a job in the middle east, but I can’t help but think about how damn attractive middle eastern men are. Hmm.

Gratitude List:
Some much needed progress
My departure from Thailand getting a bit closer
Good news for M

I had a strange coincidence this evening. I was trying to find this open mic comedy show in an area of town I don’t normally find myself in. I knew I’d gone too far down the road and had to turn around to look for it. As soon as I turned around I looked up and saw a sign in front of me for the company I used to work for in Mpls. Wow. It was especially odd since I was going to a comedy open mic. Last summer I did an amateur stand up contest where I basically ranted about how much I hated my job for several minutes. It felt great.

I’m supremely grateful to have left the world of soul-crushing corporate work behind me. Mine is worth a shitload more than a crappy paycheck.

Gratitude List:
Food for though
Synchronicities and recognizing them as such
A nice time with S

I think the days of the daily update are over. I’ve gotten quite a bit out of this site and making sure that I update everyday, but I’m not sure I’ll continue. I would like to still do the gratitude list which has become a part of my daily update, so perhaps I will at least to some extent. I’ve started doing The Artist’s Way which has morning pages so I am writing everyday. It’s stream of consciousness and supposed to be done immediately after waking. I plan to continue that for at least a while.

I went to an OA meeting today. The only one in Bangkok actually. The woman who keeps it going is really a saint in my book. I like her a lot and I’m really grateful to have been able to go to the meeting. I plan to make sure I get there next week as well.

Lots of crossfit this week. It’s great to be back.

I also connected with a fellow OAer in Minneapolis. I had a great conversation with her. It meant a lot to me that I was able to speak with her on the phone for as long as we did today. She’s a wonderful person. I’m hoping to make a better effort at reaching out to fellow OA and AA people in Minneapolis. With such a lack in meetings in Bangkok (and probably where ever I end up next) it’ll be a great way to stay close to the fellowship.

Gratitude List:
P keeping the OA meeting in Bangkok going
H talking to me this evening and bringing her perspective to things
A day off from crossfit