I actually had a really nice day. I slept in a little and then did some research on the computer for teaching jobs. In the afternoon I met this nice guy from England online. He’s currently living in Bangladesh. He brought me around to a few different places and it was quite a fun time. I enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him. We were together for quite a while, too. We made plans to get together tomorrow evening as well. I’m looking forward to it.

Gratitude List:
Bedtime!
Remembering to post before turning off the lights and getting in bed
Figuring out next steps

Apparently forgot to do yesterday. Oops. I don’t feel much like writing anything now, so a gratitude list it’ll be.

Gratitude List:
A new friend
A fun day sightseeing
Some things to think about

I really enjoyed this evening. I went to a meeting that was good and afterwards went to this club opening with S, the guy I’m staying with. The event itself was fascinating to see all of these young wealthy Thai guys. I enjoyed it because there was food and it was free! Otherwise I just don’t have a lot of patience for stuff like that. It reminded me a lot of being out at home and seeing all of these guys and wondering why I’m always single. At least in Thailand I’m just on the periphery. I feel like I stick out, but that no one really notices me or pays me any attention. It’s great because I can just casually observe without feeling all of the pressure of being in the midst of the storm or feeling the judgment from the other guys there. It’s like I’m a ghost.

Once I got home I booked a flight to Hong Kong. I’m leaving in a week and I will have a week to bum around the city. I still don’t know where I’ll stay, but that will work itself out. I’m leaning towards finding a hostel. I’d rather stay in a hostel and share a room with a few other guys in a good location with clean facilities than pay more money for a dumpy, tiny, nasty little room. Thankfully I’ve got some time to figure it out. I’m really excited to get out of Thailand for a week and check out Hong Kong. Going to another Thai city and doing the tourist thing doesn’t really appeal to me, but I’ll totally be a tourist and run around Hong Kong for days on end. Well, a week to be more specific. Yay!

Gratitude List:
S
HK travel plans coming into focus
Things to look forward to

I met a friend from my course at the mall yesterday. I had a nice time with her catching up. We got lunch and then went to a movie. It’s a lot better being somewhere once you’ve made some friends and can have a casual outing like that. I’d maybe be better off just staying in Bangkok. I don’t love the city and the jobs don’t pay that well, but I’m here which would make interviewing easier and going off to China, Taiwan or somewhere else is certainly a gamble. It’s possible I’d hate a new city once I got there. The idea of staying in Bangkok doesn’t thrill me, but at least I’m comfortable and familiar with the city.

Gratitude List:
My new blanket
Sleeping in
Friends in Bangkok

Yesterday was pretty laid back. I did a few things, but for the most part just bummed around and took it easy. I did go for a run (I use that term loosely) in Lumpini park that was very enjoyable – despite the 95 degree heat and the protesters.

Gratitude List:
Running
Relaxing
Reiki

It’s funny what the world will bring into your life if you only let it. I hope I can keep myself open to allowing the world to showing and reminding me of the beauty to be found all around me.

I talked to a really great guy on this dating app tonight. He gave me hope that the right guy for me is out there somewhere. It sucks not having him already, now, but remaining open to the experience is a much likelier way to finding him than shutting out the world around me. I hope I can keep that in kind going forward. I’m certainly willing to try.

Gratitude List:
Spending time with Dan
A new bag, if only for the night
The ability to remain positive

I feel pretty content right now. A lot more so than I did yesterday.

I did so little today, but at the same time I feel like I was so busy. I listened to a podcast and drew for a while. After I walked to an OA meeting. There is only one in Bangkok every week and there were only 3 of us there. It was really great to be at an OA meeting. I’ve only been to one since I left Minneapolis and my eating has gotten pretty severely off track. Couple that with the fact I haven’t been exercising and it’s just not a pretty situation. After the meeting I went for a run in Lumpini park. It was late enough that the sun was basically setting and it wasn’t nearly as hot. I ended up walking a lot during the run, but that’s ok. I’ve got to ease back into things and I’m sure if I start running with any regularity before I know it I’ll be running much longer distances without doing any walking. It felt just great to run. And my knees didn’t have any major problems while running or after. So far so good.

I really feel like everything is going to be alright. Things might get difficult from time to time, but really everything is going to work out in time.

Gratitude List:
Running!!!!!
Drawing!!!!!
Yummy food!!!!!

I went out to eat with my friend who is letting me stay with him and couldn’t help but think I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just don’t want to be doing this anymore. The problem is, the thought of going home with no prospects for any type of work and trying to figure that situation out would be a nightmare. Plus, I don’t really want to go home, but I do want to be settled somewhere and have my own space and find a routine with things. Routines can be so boring and mundane, but I’m finding not having one to be quite difficult as well. I also worked out today and made the mistake of not doing a great job eating (or rather I went a long period without food) which always throws off my mindset considerably. I think that tomorrow will go better. I hope that tomorrow goes better. I don’t want to have another day like today.

Gratitude List:
Squats
Running
Attractive men and some things to think about

I don’t want to die anymore. It’s a pretty remarkable thing. A few months ago I told my story at an AA meeting. I remember telling them that I don’t have memories of a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself. From as far back as my memories go I remember having suicidal thoughts. That is a truth I know to be true today. The thing I realized, though, was that it may have taken me nearly 3 decades, but I finally do have memories from a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself. They don’t start until I’m 28 years old, but I’m extremely grateful to finally have them.

Gratitude List:
Not wanting to die anymore
Memories of a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself
Being back in Bkk

I spent most of yesterday in the hotel room reading stuff online, listening to podcasts and doing some drawing. It was nice to draw again. I haven’t done that in quite a while. I did end up going out last night and wandering around the night bazaar and eating some dinner.

Headed back to Bkk this morning. I’m looking forward to being around people again and hanging out. It’ll be a nice change. I’ve been spending so much time by myself lately. And although I’m not sold on Bkk, I should probably give it another chance.

Gratitude List:
A short flight ahead of me vs a very long train ride
Drawing
Moments of clarity