I went to Babylon yesterday. For the first while I was able to keep my sense of humor about it, but not long after getting there I was totally over that situation. There were a few hot guys there, but I’m so uncomfortable and shy in those situations nothing was going to happen. I really view the whole place as an obstacle course I walk through while trying to avoid having any contact with any of the other guys there. I really hope that crossfit is able to help me feel better and more confident about how I look and feel. There have been times in the past that I’ve had more confidence. Maybe I can make it back to that.

The other problem is that although I’m horny and want to fool around with guys, it’s really not the intimacy I crave. Today I will work on my résumé. With any luck I can make a quick departure from Bangkok. I’m not sure another city will prove to be any better, but this certainly isn’t the place for me. But, on a positive note, I’ve at least started to hate being in Bangkok less. I still don’t like it, but at least I’m not so focused on how much I dislike it. So, there is that, I guess.

Gratitude List:
A good lunch at the buffet across the street
A nice sleep without a morning alarm
A somewhat nice and peaceful walk through the park

I slept in later today than usual. Actually, I got up, wrote my morning pages and then laid down to give myself a reiki treatment and ended up napping for a while. I had just the strangest dream after falling back asleep. In the first part I was in Rome staying in a hotel somewhere. I think it was Rome. Something strange was going on and I found out the Italians (or some of the Italians) had decided to free all of the spirits at once. I didn’t feel like things would be safe for me in Rome anymore, but it was too late to go anywhere else. In the next part of the dream I was in my childhood home. It was just my mother and I and we decided it was unsafe and we had to hide. We had guns to protect us. We went into my older brothers room and were going to barricade the door. We never actually got the door shut when a big dog (wolf?) just walked right in through the front door. It’s like he had a key and just walked right in to attack is. He was beautiful. I started to shoot him with the shotgun, but he wouldn’t die. He was up close to us and talking to me. I don’t remember what he said. I ran out of shells for the shotgun so my mom handed me a pistol. I shot the dog in the head several times, but he just still wouldn’t die. What a weird dream. I also had a dream at some other point last night and I remember being in my closet in my childhood home. It was a big walk in closet and there was a window in it that had been wallpapered over (the window doesn’t really exist in real life).

It’s not often that I have alarming dreams. I hope it signifies that something important in my psyche is shifting, falling away. Hmm.

Gratitude list:
Some extra sleep
Crossfit
Having the motivation to get some work done

I have been dwelling on how much I dislike Bkk the past few days. Actually, how much I hate Bkk. I just hate this place.

I know to a large extent we choose our own attitude and by trying to remain positive and optimistic things are better, but I can’t seem to move past thinking about how much I hate this city. It’s like I’m stuck in this one gear and can’t shift into the next. I hope it passes soon. I pray it passes. This isn’t a lot of fun right now. Until then I’ll be looking for jobs in China. If nothing else I can maybe just get the fuck out of here.

Gratitude list:
On being
Making it through the day without assaulting anyone
Moving past and moving on

Today was littered with disappointment. Not monumental, life changing disappointment, but disappointment none-the-less. I made it to the gym this morning and went through a “wow do I ever hate Bangkok” state the whole 30 minute walk to the gym. Afterwards I came home and practiced reiki for a bit and relaxed. There is a lunch buffet down the street that I went to which was really the only bright spot in my day. I’ve been meaning to check it out for a while. Now that I have it very well may become a fixture of my day. It was good and very reasonably priced.

After the buffet I got a 2 hour thai massage which was way more pain than pleasure. There’s usually a nice balance. The guy was certainly rougher with me than I’m used to, but I still fear that crossfit (and being sore from working out) will have forever ruined thai massages for me. I guess I’ll have to start getting more oil massages when I feel the need for one. I certainly don’t want another massage like the one I got today.

After the massage I went to a mall and watched the new Percy Jackson movie. It wasn’t as entertaining as I’d hoped it would be. I was really looking forward to getting lost in the movie, but found myself underwhelmed with the experience. Oh well.

Tomorrow is a new day. I plan to stay positive and hope that things turn out better.

Gratitude List:
Getting to bed earlier and hopefully maintaining more normal wake/sleep hours
Lunch Buffet
Feeling sore from working out

I went to my first crossfit class in Bangkok yesterday. It went well. I signed up for the next month so I’m planning to go to the 10 am class in the morning. I figure that way I’ll get out of bed at a decent hour and feel like I have more of a day. When I stay awake into 3 or 4 am and then sleep until noon or 1 pm my days feel awkward. I’d like to feel like I’m on track as far as life goes… This should help.

I also signed up for a writing class last night. I figure if I decide to apply to grad school I’ll need some writing samples which I don’t really have at this time. I do have some ideas for things I could write to submit which I’ll probably want to do as well. The class itself is about writing from intense personal experience. I’ve got some things to work through so hopefully I can get some of that out. Ideally I’ll be able to write about some of my past and then move on from it. Put it on paper and share it with a class so it’s no longer swirling around in my head and on here. Get it out in the open, so to speak.

Gratitude List:
A good lunch buffet
Crossfit
Reiki

I’m really tired now. Not because I should be tired, but rather because I took some Dramamine so that I’ll fall asleep. I feel I’ve been productive today, but I haven’t really done much of anything.

I signed up for a crossfit class tomorrow. I plan to bring enough money to pay for a month’s membership. It shouldn’t be tough to join for a month and then quit. Even if I only use it for 2 weeks, I figure it’s worth it. I can’t just sit around not exercising. Crossfit will also (hopefully) prove to be a good way to meet some new people in Bangkok. I could use some friends that aren’t from this gay app I’ve been using. Normal people where the sexual component doesn’t play into it. I really liked the other crossfitters I met in Mpls so hopefully Bangkok will prove the same. Ok, time to sleep so I can wake up for the class in the morning.

Gratitude List:
A delicious meal (love pork neck!)
A reason to get up in the morning
Figuring out some computer stuff to hopefully move forward with things

When I left the house yesterday morning I was in this state I haven’t felt before. I’ve heard it described by people as a protective, covered feeling. I at once felt a part of the universe, but at the same time felt there was a distance between everything I saw and felt. It was wonderful! Unfortunately it didn’t last forever. It seemed once I really started interacting with the friend I met at the mall it went away. I lost my sense of being.

It feels like everything is swirling around me and coming together in a way I’d only hoped. It’s not quite there yet, but I can feel it headed in that direction. Hopefully it won’t be too long before it all comes together. If nothing else, I’ve certainly enjoyed the process of getting there.

I sat down at this restaurant a minute ago. They were playing Sarah Mclachlan’s “Angel” when I sat down. I then saw a license place on a motorbike that was “268” both very auspicious signs from the universe for various reasons. I think tomorrow will be a wonderfully enlightening day. I’m looking forward to a chat I’ve set up with JC.

Gratitude List:
B and possible freelancing work
Getting to chat with S this morning
A world without alarms, again

I met this really good looking guy from Australia tonight. We met in Silom. He was nice. We sat at a bar in the Soi and people watched. Afterwards we walked around for a little bit. I enjoyed that part of the night.

Later we went to a night club. One of those places where the music is way too loud and there are so many people you can barely move. I didn’t enjoy that part of the night so much. I hung around much longer than expected. Mainly because the Australian was cute and I wanted to make out with someone. I really like the idea of sleeping next to someone. Hopefully cuddling for a while. I haven’t done that in such a long time. I miss feeling close to someone like that.

In the past the bar has always gotten me very riled up. I’d leave and just feel terrible. That really didn’t happen to me tonight. Yes, I wish I’d left with the Australian, but I’m not devastated for having left alone. It’s ok. What an unfamiliar feeling. Hmm.

Gratitude List:
Hot Aussies
Recognizing growth
Sleeping in a room all by myself

I flew back to Bkk from Hong Kong yesterday. I was so sad to leave, but grateful to have had such a wonderful experience there. It’s such a beautiful, vibrant city and I met so many amazing people during the week I was there. It gave me a lot to think about and certainly provided some much needed clarity and direction to my current situation.

I’m planning to find a job teaching in China. Perhaps Shenzhen because it’s close to HK and I could go there on the weekends, but I’d consider other places in China as well. It feels a lot more exotic than Bkk does which I really love. Hopefully things will fall into place pretty quickly. I don’t want to fall into the trap of being stuck here and not making progress towards anything. I don’t think I will. I’m meeting with a guy today who has been doing freelance work. He’s going to explain it all to me and if it’s something I can do on my own I totally will. I think I’d like to get a job teaching in an actual school, too, for the support and to grow as a teacher (not to mention the work visa so I can stay in the country!). I’m looking forward to today.

I also did my second day of morning pages. I didn’t do them at all while in HK. I’m really looking forward to working through this book.

Gratitude List:
Morning pages
A clearer path forward
Being able to tell myself (and understand!) it’s all going to be ok

I’m bummed that tonight is my very last night in Hong Kong. I’ve had a really great time exploring this city and getting to know all of the wonderful people that I’ve met along the way. Today I hung out with E who is staying in my room. We went to the Chi Lin Nunnery which was gorgeous and ate some lunch. Sat in massage chairs at the mall and tried out the latest weight loss product. Afterwards we went to the ladies market and bought a few things. It was great to spend the day with her just talking about life and laughing. I like laughing a lot.

We also went out to some bars afterwards. It was fun, despite a few problems finding where we wanted to go. It’ll be sad to leave tomorrow, but hopefully I’ll be back before I know it.

Gratitude List:
E
Hong Kong
Delicious soft shell crab