I’m on a train to Chiang Mai. So far the train has been pretty peaceful. I fell asleep early and slept through most of the night. In total it’s about a 14 hour train ride. We should be just a couple hours away from Chiang Mai at this point. I’m really looking forward to getting checked into the hotel and taking a shower. Since I’ve been taking night trains the last two nights I could really use a shower.

I’ve been allowing myself to just eat whatever lately and I really need to quit doing that. Before getting on the train last night I bought a whole bunch of junk food – candy, popcorn and more candy. I’ve been giving myself a pass on it lately because I know I won’t be eating much at the meditation place and it’ll all be vegetarian. I feel gross right now though because of all the crap I’ve eaten. I woke up this morning and ate a small bag of popcorn and two candy bars. Definitely not the healthiest breakfast imaginable.

Gratitude List:
A peaceful journal on the sleeper train
Being mostly done with the 14 hour train ride
Being able to embrace hope, rather than run away from it

I made it back to Bangkok on the sleeper train. We got in nearly 2 hours after we were supposed to, but I’m certainly not in a hurry so that’s fine. It’s actually kind of nice to be back here. I wasn’t expecting to feel that way, but as far as Thailand is concerned Bkk feels like my home at this point.

I’ve got the day to kill before my next sleeper train which will take me up to Chiang Mai. I plan to get a massage and then I’m grabbing dinner with this guy when he gets done with work. It should be interesting to meet him. I had a weird dream last night that I don’t remember too much of… Hopefully bits and pieces of it will come back to me today. It had to do with being bipolar (or not being bipolar as the case may be). The guy I’m meeting for dinner has a phd in Neurochemistry which is one of the reasons I’m interested in meeting him. He also seems like a really nice guy.

Ok, so off to get a massage now. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Speaking to my grandma on the 4th of July
A pretty comfortable sleeper train journey
A good massage back in Bkk

I feel really content right now. A lot more so than I have since arriving in Thailand. I’m sad that this is my last night on the island, but after spending the last few days here I feel ready to explore what’s next. This has been the perfect place to recharge my batteries and get some time to reflect. I’m so glad I decided to take this trip to this island.

Gratitude List:
Delicious thai curry soup
A memorable and relaxing final day on the island
Not taking for granted my present opportunities

This trip has been basically exactly what I wanted and imagined it would be. I’ve had lots of time to myself in a relaxing, beautiful environment. I’ve been able to read, swim, explore and do a lot of reflecting. Bangkok felt like it was suffocating me which I think was mainly because I didn’t have much focus or a plan. With so much going on around me I felt stuck in neutral. I did enjoy going to movies everyday, but being paralyzed in indecision wasn’t much fun. I feel much better about being able to handle whatever the future may bring at this point.

My short-term plan is to head north to Chiang Mai and stay at the meditation place for a while – be it a week or a month. After that I’ll have to leave the country because my visa will have run out. I think it would be a great time to head to Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I don’t plan on backpacking through those areas for too long, but since I’ll have to leave the country anyway I’d might as well take a couple weeks and explore. After that I’ll probably head back to Bangkok. The money I have isn’t going to last me forever so I’ll most likely decide to find a job after traveling. Actually, I might decide to forgo the traveling at that point and just opt to find a job. I’m starting to feel like a routine would be nice. This moving around from area to area is fun, but I’d love to find a gym, start working out and maybe even be able to do some dating. If I like Chiang Mai a lot (which I expect to) I’ll plan to find a job in that area. I hear the jobs in the north don’t pay very well, but I’ll accept lower pay to be able to have a more authentic Thai experience. I just really don’t think Bangkok will provide that for me. It’s all glitz and glitter. Malls and materialism everywhere.

I’m trying really hard to challenge the ideas I have in my head about how I look. I mean realistically thinking, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to love someone else unless I change my attitude and outlook on how I look. I really want to become more comfortable with my body. Whenever I look in the mirror without my shirt on it always becomes about what I hate about how I look. It’s tough. It’s also been tough being on the beach and seeing attractive guys who are in great shape. I’d love to date one of them, but they feel so out of reach. And I hate knowing that I’ll never be able to achieve that through diet or exercise. It’s also unfortunate that whenever my life feels out of control or I get really negative about the likelihood I’m going to grow old alone I start to obsess about having a tummy tuck and fixing what’s wrong with me. I’d really, really like to learn to love my body. I’m ready to learn to love my body – or to at least start working towards that. I’ve had my head stuck in the sand about it for so long thinking I’ll just have plastic surgery and fix it and then things will be alright and I won’t have to worry about it. I don’t want to live with that notion anymore. The plastic surgery is certainly something I’ll most likely do at some point, but I don’t want it to be something I need to do in order to feel whole or lovable. I want to feel that way regardless of whether my stomach is flabby or not. I hope that the universe recognizes that I’m ready to work to change in this regard and provides me with a path with which to do so.

I really want to study and learn more about spirituality. Hopefully in the process I’ll also gain a better understanding of how the brain works and the human condition. There s certainly a mystery surrounding all of it for me. I feel like I’ve got many of the initial puzzle pieces, but no idea how they fit together. I want to learn how they got together.

Gratitude List:
Being ready to change negative thought patterns
Relaxing and watching a beautiful sunset
The most amazing nap this afternoon

I’m so tired today because today was so busy. I will certainly sleep well tonight (and soon, I hope!).

I went scuba diving for the first time today. It was a lot of fun. I’d love to do it again if it wasn’t so expensive. I’d even consider getting certified if I thought I’d do it with any regularity. It was so interesting to be underwater and breathing out of a tube. It was weird to see the surface above me. I did love seeing all the fish and plants in the ocean. Especially the really colorful ones.

After scuba diving I came back to the resort, took a little time out in my room, and then went swimming in the ocean. The water is so clear, warm and blue here. I just loving swimming. Since it’s not very deep I ended up just sitting in the sand in a few feet of water and just taking things in. I love the view of the shore from out in the water like that. This place really is paradise. I’m really glad I decided to come here.

When I finally got out of the water I went back to this restaurant down the beach I went to a few nights ago. I read a book and ordered the most wonderful mussaman curry. It was so good. I sat there for a couple hours and then ordered another red curry dish that I had a few nights ago. I might have to plan to eat there again tomorrow a couple times. I like being able to just sit there, read a book and listen to (or watch) the waves in the ocean. All in all I’d say today was awesome.

The only thing about this trip that I regret is that I don’t have anyone here with me to be having these experiences with. I’ve been feeling more lonely than normal and I see these guys all over the place and want nothing more than to have and to hold one of my own. Not someone to take care of me or someone for me to take care of, but someone who I can count on. Someone I can rely on, someone I can have passionate sex with, someone I can share my deepest, darkest secrets with. Someone I can allow myself to be vulnerable to. Someone I can feel, hold and smell. I just want a man.

One thing I’ve been trying very hard to work on is really challenging these negative thoughts about how I look. I’ve been so focused on how unhappy I am with my body and I need to change that outlook. It’s difficult to imagine that anyone would ever want to have sex with me when I’m so repulsed by what I see in the mirror. Because of that, it makes it nearly impossible to have a relationship. Even when the guy seems to be genuinely interested. Now that I’ve decided to forgo the plastic surgery (for now, at least) I really need to work on this more. There was a guy on the boat today who was so cute and looked like he would make such a great boyfriend. And really, he was in no way perfect. He wasn’t in bad shape or anything, but he certainly didn’t have a 6 pack. I would love nothing more than to date someone just like him. Someone normal who’s comfortable with their body and not working every minute of every day in a gym trying to become even more perfect. I can only imagine the freedom that would come from feeling comfortable (much less confident!) in how I look. Especially in regards to my body. What a gift that would be.

Gratitude List:
Scuba diving!
Enjoying a good book with a great meal by the beach
The ability to sleep in tomorrow and have a more relaxed day