This trip has been basically exactly what I wanted and imagined it would be. I’ve had lots of time to myself in a relaxing, beautiful environment. I’ve been able to read, swim, explore and do a lot of reflecting. Bangkok felt like it was suffocating me which I think was mainly because I didn’t have much focus or a plan. With so much going on around me I felt stuck in neutral. I did enjoy going to movies everyday, but being paralyzed in indecision wasn’t much fun. I feel much better about being able to handle whatever the future may bring at this point.

My short-term plan is to head north to Chiang Mai and stay at the meditation place for a while – be it a week or a month. After that I’ll have to leave the country because my visa will have run out. I think it would be a great time to head to Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I don’t plan on backpacking through those areas for too long, but since I’ll have to leave the country anyway I’d might as well take a couple weeks and explore. After that I’ll probably head back to Bangkok. The money I have isn’t going to last me forever so I’ll most likely decide to find a job after traveling. Actually, I might decide to forgo the traveling at that point and just opt to find a job. I’m starting to feel like a routine would be nice. This moving around from area to area is fun, but I’d love to find a gym, start working out and maybe even be able to do some dating. If I like Chiang Mai a lot (which I expect to) I’ll plan to find a job in that area. I hear the jobs in the north don’t pay very well, but I’ll accept lower pay to be able to have a more authentic Thai experience. I just really don’t think Bangkok will provide that for me. It’s all glitz and glitter. Malls and materialism everywhere.

I’m trying really hard to challenge the ideas I have in my head about how I look. I mean realistically thinking, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to love someone else unless I change my attitude and outlook on how I look. I really want to become more comfortable with my body. Whenever I look in the mirror without my shirt on it always becomes about what I hate about how I look. It’s tough. It’s also been tough being on the beach and seeing attractive guys who are in great shape. I’d love to date one of them, but they feel so out of reach. And I hate knowing that I’ll never be able to achieve that through diet or exercise. It’s also unfortunate that whenever my life feels out of control or I get really negative about the likelihood I’m going to grow old alone I start to obsess about having a tummy tuck and fixing what’s wrong with me. I’d really, really like to learn to love my body. I’m ready to learn to love my body – or to at least start working towards that. I’ve had my head stuck in the sand about it for so long thinking I’ll just have plastic surgery and fix it and then things will be alright and I won’t have to worry about it. I don’t want to live with that notion anymore. The plastic surgery is certainly something I’ll most likely do at some point, but I don’t want it to be something I need to do in order to feel whole or lovable. I want to feel that way regardless of whether my stomach is flabby or not. I hope that the universe recognizes that I’m ready to work to change in this regard and provides me with a path with which to do so.

I really want to study and learn more about spirituality. Hopefully in the process I’ll also gain a better understanding of how the brain works and the human condition. There s certainly a mystery surrounding all of it for me. I feel like I’ve got many of the initial puzzle pieces, but no idea how they fit together. I want to learn how they got together.

Gratitude List:
Being ready to change negative thought patterns
Relaxing and watching a beautiful sunset
The most amazing nap this afternoon