I keep forgetting to update. I think my 2 week hiatus while at the meditation place is to blame. All that time spent there and I’m still not a level 5 wizard. What a shame.

As soon as I got to Chiang Rai I felt like leaving. I’m tired of traveling alone and trying to fill my time. I’m sure this place is great with lots to do, but I want to be settled somewhere and be back into a routine. I’d like to be working out and getting exercise on a regular basis. It will be nice to be back in Bkk for a spell while I search for jobs. I booked a flight there for Friday. I’m actually looking forward to going back there. I think it’ll be nice.

Gratitude List:
A comfortable bed
Some more clarification
Time well spent

Hi C,

Let’s do an email reading. I like being able to have a conversation and just see what comes up without preparing too many specific questions, but I’m willing to give this a try. Who knows, maybe it will even be more beneficial for me to come up with specific questions and then ask just them. They’ve been rumbling around in my head all day long.

1. I’m in Thailand and plan to start seriously looking for work teaching English within the next week. I need to research what area I’d most like to work in, but at this point I’m leaning towards leaving Thailand. Perhaps Japan, China, Taiwan or maybe even somewhere in Europe. Is there any insight you can give me on this? Either an area of the world to focus on or anything generally related to the job search?

2. I keep seeing numbers that make me think I’m meant to look towards my childhood. Or perhaps I’m supposed to work to bring out my inner child. I feel that there is a message in it from my guides that I’m just not quite comprehending. I realize this is a vague question, but do my guides keep pointing me back to that time for a reason? And if so, what is that reason? Lately I’ve been seeing the number sequence 235 which strongly resonates with my hometown of Willmar MN and growing up.

3. I’ve been traveling and really searching, striving to find some purpose in life and my reason for being here. I recently spent a couple weeks at a monastery meditating which was not the life changing experience I’d hoped it would be. I’ve since realized that perhaps instead of looking to the world around me to provide purpose, I should really be focused on looking within. I have a feeling that as I grow, awaken and change, I’m going to find a deeper sense of spirituality and most likely help other people find that within themselves as well. This is something that’s come up in past readings, but can you give me any more information regarding all of this?

4. This question is related to the previous question. I believe the mind is fundamentally misunderstood by psychiatry which is, in my opinion, basically voodoo. About a decade ago I got a preview of what my mind can do and I’m still trying to work that out (and recover from the bipolar diagnosis it got me). I know that as I grow and develop I’ll gain a deeper understanding of that, but I’ve been listening/reading lately more about a collective shift in consciousness that will eventually take place (hopefully) within the human race in order for us as a species to evolve. I currently feel like I’m trying to unbuild a mystery as I develop my own thoughts on the subject based on my past experiences. Thoughts? Will I be involved in this to some degree?

5. Romance. Just tell me I won’t be alone forever. Sometimes it feels like I might. Anything about the guy or where we’ll meet would be awesome. It helps me remain hopeful and optimistic. I feel like I’m ready to open myself up again to the prospect of dating and love, but the opportunity hasn’t presented itself yet.

6. Writing. I should be doing it and I’m not. I want to be doing it and I’m not. Can you help at all or provide me with any insight in that regard?

I’d intended on coming up with 7 questions, but that’s all for now. I’ve never asked you email questions before…. Are these questions ok? I mean are they too long and involved? Should I have split some of them up and asked them as more than one question? Please send me your paypal information and I’ll send the money. I’ll most likely come up with another question or two after sleeping tonight or once I get your responses. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and that the fair you are going to goes well.

Best,

Andrew

Gratitude List:
Being able to take some time and reflect on my current situation
Being able to see the beauty in everyday life
Being able to stay positive

I’m having a hard time wanting to write any updates. When I created this I’d decided to update it everyday for a year. I’m only a couple months shy of a year so I’m going to continue. Once I get to a year I can reevaluate.

I biked around yesterday which was really enjoyable. There’s really not a lot to do in Pai and I’m growing a little restless. Actually, I’m not that restless. It’s more that I feel like I should be doing something. I’d be plenty content to just spend my days reading a book, drawing or doing something like that. I’m feeling a pull to head back to Bangkok and get serious about the job searching. I feel ready to start the job search and figure out where I’ll settle for the next year or so. It’ll be fun to figure that out.

I’ve also got to get a hold of someone from my OA meeting in Mpls. My eating is totally out of control at this point and it’s making me terribly uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling, or eating, like this. I’m not 100% sure what the underlying motives are behind it. I’ll have to give it some thought and perhaps my post tonight will be a little more detailed about it.

Gratitude List:
Having some excitement about figuring out a job and settling down for a while.
A nice meditation
Relaxing

Yesterday was really just lovely. I met this British kid and we hiked to a waterfall through the jungle. We basically followed this trail that went along a small creek. The trail kept jumping from one side of the river to the other so we found ourselves constantly crossing through the water. It took us around 2.5 hours to get to the waterfall and another 2.5 to get back. I greatly enjoyed feeling so close to nature – something I feel I don’t get when I’m in the cities like Bangkok or even Chiang Mai.

I’m meeting a guy in town today. He runs some type of school or program that offers a lot of holistic type things. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s a good experience. It could really go either way.

Gratitude List:
Another morning waking up to my beautiful view of rice paddies and forested mountains (hills?) just outside my door
Being able to take time and reconnect with nature
Some seriously delicious massaman curry for dinner last night (there will be another trip – or two, back there today)

I made it to Pai! I was slightly concerned that the ride through the mountains with all the curves and turns would be long and uncomfortable, but it really wasn’t that bad. So far I really like it here. The hotel I’m staying in is just wonderful. I like the room a lot and it overlooks the mountains and a rice paddy! Tomorrow I’m going to grab one of the bikes and spend some time biking around the area. I’d really like to make it to one of the waterfalls. Maybe just relax and read a book near one. I’m slightly concerned about taking the bike too far out of the city in case something happens and I end up stranded somewhere, but I should be ok. I have a feeling I won’t ever be more than a couple miles from a hotel or guesthouse regardless of where I go on the bike so really I should be ok. It really is wonderful to feel so much closer to nature. I liked Chiang Mai because it was in the mountains and less chaotic than Bangkok, but it was still a bustling city with lots going on. This area is way more relaxed and chilled out. I’m very grateful to get to spend a few days here reconnecting with nature, reading books and hopefully doing some writing.

Gratitude List:
This great bungalow in Pai
Being able to read some wonderful stories
Getting closer to some much needed clarity

I’ve had fun biking around Chiang Mai these last few days. It’s a great city!

I’m off to Pai tomorrow. I booked a hotel room that was not really expensive, but more than I should be spending on hotel rooms at this point. I’ve got a backpacker’s budget, but I’m not sure I could survive in a backpacker’s hostel. Oh well, it’s only a few days and then I’ll probably go back to Bangkok and regroup. Actually, I plan to start looking for jobs and researching areas that I’d like to work. I may end up staying in Thailand, or perhaps I’ll go somewhere entirely different. I’ve met some really great people in Thailand so it would be nice to stay closer to them, but I’m also feeling like maybe my time in this country is coming to an end. I’ve certainly got a lot to think about and consider, but I’m sure my path forward will reveal itself soon enough. I’m ready to move on to whatever’s next.

Gratitude List:
Being a bit closer to nature, if only for a few days
All the great people I’ve met in Chiang Mai
Being able to look forward to figuring out what’s next, not dreading it

I think I’m going to start updating this everyday again. It’s felt tedious the last few weeks. I haven’t really felt much like updating or putting much into the updates. I’m not exactly sure why. I really thought when I left the US and started this adventure I’d feel so inspired to write and update. It’s surprising that the opposite has actually proven true. Everything just seems to take so much work and effort at this point.

Yesterday was great fun! I rented a bicycle and biked all around Chiang Mai. I haven’t been on a bike in a couple months. I really enjoyed it and despite the blazing hot sun it was wonderful to get some exercise. Unfortunately the shops don’t do a great job maintaining their bikes and the pedal fell off the one I rented. Thankfully I noticed it coming loose and wasn’t hurt when it did fall off, but that could have been a bad situation – especially since at the time I was trying to cross a busy street with lots of traffic. I walked the bike back and was a bit nervous the shop would screw me over and keep my deposit, but they didn’t make a big deal out of it. I have a feeling it most likely happens quite a bit. I know nothing about anything mechanical in nature, but even I could tell the threading for the screw was totally bare. I’m guessing it’ll get a quick fix and the next tourist who rents it will have the same problem.

After biking around the city I went to my new friends’ house for dinner. They are a lesbian couple that I met one half of at the meditation retreat. They are both very nice people. I’m grateful to be able to spend such a nice evening just conversing and getting to know them. They are both very interesting people. I hope to be able to see them again sometime. I plan to keep in touch with them.

Gratitude List:
Great dinner and conversation with new friends
Biking around the city
Enjoying myself

Ok KP I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I left the monastery yesterday because I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was a good experience… One I’m certainly glad I’m no longer having. Although, there were definitely some personal truths found in the experience.

I went to a meeting this morning. Almost started crying in the middle of it. I’m now sitting in a mall in Chiang Mai across the street of the meeting nearly in tears.

I think it’s time I just surrender. Let go and let God, as it were.

Gratitude List:
Spending 13 days at the monastery
No longer being at the monastery
A great meeting this morning

I’m going to be taking a break from updating for a spell. Tomorrow I am going to a meditation center and I’m not supposed to use the internet while I’m there (or write or read, for that matter). It will hopefully be a great experience. I’m really looking forward to it.

Today was nice. I went and watched Despicable Me 2 which I greatly enjoyed. It took my mind off a lot of things that have been swirling around inside my head. I also wandered around the Sunday market in Chiang Mai. There was a lot of neat stuff there I would have been tempted to buy if I wasn’t currently homeless.

Gratitude List:
Getting to relax and watch a funny movie
Delicious food at the market
A great massage

I finally made it to Chiang Mai. The train ride ended up taking 18 hours which is 4 hours longer than it was supposed to. Thankfully I was plenty comfortable the whole time, I just wasn’t anticipating (or wanting) to be on the train for that long. In all likelihood when I do decide to go back to Bkk I’ll be flying. Not that the train was unpleasant, but flying would just be a lot quicker and easier.

After checking into the hotel and taking a shower I decided to walk to a meeting. It was a pretty good meeting. The people all seemed nice enough. I should have joined them for fellowship after the meeting, but I decided to skip it. Apparently I’d rather just stew by myself right now than be around people.

I’m in this mood right now where I’m just not happy. And it really doesn’t have much to do with being in Chiang Mai versus being anywhere else. I’m homesick and sick of traveling. It would be nice to have a routine. To start working out again and finding ways to relax. I just feel like a homeless tourist right now and it’s not great. Once I’m done eating I plan to go back to the hotel and just play around on my computer in the air conditioning. Or maybe I’ll get a massage first. I could go for a massage and they appear to be even less expensive here than they were in Bkk. I had wanted to go and see a movie, but I couldn’t find a theater within walking distance. I just feel like relaxing right now. Tomorrow I have to do a couple things, but hopefully it’ll be a nice, relaxing day as well.

What if I’m never happy? I really thought leaving the US and coming to Thailand would be such a great adventure. That I’d be so inspired exploring a new culture and learning more about myself and the world around me. I’m beginning to wonder if happiness isn’t something that plans to elude me forever. Like I’ll have short stints where I’m able to find it, but won’t be able to sustain it in any real way. I hope that doesn’t prove to be the case. I guess only time will tell. I mean logically speaking this feeling will pass. And really, it probably won’t even take that long to pass. I hope, anyway.

Gratitude List:
Getting off that fucking train
Making it to a meeting
Live music with dinner