Well I’m getting a much later start to the day than I’d anticipated. I got up a little after 10 am, but have been online in my room and wasting time. I have this unsettled feeling in my stomach. Like things aren’t right and that perhaps they never will be. I wish I could get rid of it. There is so much uncertainty right now and I don’t have a specific plan of action at this point. I could really use some help.

I contacted a few plastic surgeons and set up appointments. I plan to see one tomorrow and then another on Wednesday. I’m going to book the guesthouse for 2 more days and plan to leave Bangkok on Friday. I will most likely get a flight up to Chiang Mai and stay there for a week or longer. After meeting with these other two plastic surgery places I will make my decision from there. Things are really not bad or anything, I’m just overwhelmed with being in Bangkok and not knowing what I want to do. I think about just giving up and going home, but it’s not what I really want to do. I’d like to find a job and teach for at least a year now that I’ve gotten this certification. And also work on writing. I need to start working on writing.

I feel like most of my problems right now hinge on making a decision about this plastic surgery. I really want to do it and the timing is good, but it’s still scary. I guess I can’t live with fear any longer. I mean yes, there are things that could go wrong with it, but this is something I feel I must do for myself and to live up to my full potential. The timing is also good to do it. Once I find a surgeon and set a date I can rent an apartment in Bangkok and plan to hang out for a month and recover. I’ve got the money right now to do that. I can spend the month reading books and taking it easy. I’m sure it’ll be really painful.

I’ve got to get out of this room and go out and do something. The day is wasting and I’d like to at least try to get my mind off of things. Really I’m in a good situation right now, it just doesn’t feel that way. Part of it is that I’ve also realized this not working and I’ll be able to live the life of my dreams idea has come to an end. The reality is, I’m going to have to get a job and maybe my life will never feel like it has purpose. I’m sure this will pass, I just have to give it time.

Gratitude List:
Having people I can reach out to
AA
Being able to try to keep a positive mindset