I purchased my flight to Bangkok today. It leaves on Friday, 5/17. I’m awash in emotions – especially because I’m at my parents’ house right now. I’m so grateful I got to take this trip home before I left and I know how much it means to my mom. She’s going to have a really hard time with this and I feel absolutely horrible about it. If there’s been one thing I’ve tried very hard to do nearly my entire life, it’s cause my mom any emotional sadness. And here I am, leaving. The thing I’ve realized, though, is that I have to love my life and in order to do that I absolutely must spread my wings and try to fly. If I never take risks mediocrity is certainly the only thing I’ll ever find. I need more. I must have more. Big changes are on the horizon, but I’m ready for them. I’m prepared to see where this world takes me and what this life has in store. It’s going to be a remarkable ride. Of that I’m certain.

Gratitude List:
Time with family
Time with friends
Time to fly

My flight was slightly delayed, but I made it home last night. My brother picked me up at the airport. It was nice to see him on the drive home. We talk occasionally these days, but not as much as we have in the past.

Minnesota is just so different from New Jersey. There are no toll roads and a lot more open space. New Jersey feels so cramped.

Gratitude List:
Being back in MN for a couple days
Seeing my mother’s evil cat
Hugging my mother

This update is a little late for yesterday, but I feel like I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past couple days. I’ve gotten a lot settled with Thailand in these last couple days. It’s been stressing me out, but everything seems to be falling into place nicely. I picked up my 60 day tourist visa this afternoon and figured out transferring money for the class as well. I’m currently getting all packed up for my flight to Minneapolis that I’ll be leaving for in about 30 minutes…. Better get back to that, now that I think about it.

Gratitude List:
Everything falling into place relatively easily for Thailand
Being back in MN tonight!
Slowing down for the rest of the day

I feel a lot more alive now that I’m moving forward with my plans in a constructive way. I had definitely fallen into a rut because of circumstances. This morning I went into NYC and applied for a 60 day Thai visa. Everything seems to be falling into place. Tomorrow afternoon I’ll go back and hopefully find out I’ve been approved for the Visa. Once approved I can buy a plane ticket to Thailand – without it I’ll have to be a lot more exact with my timing getting into Thailand since the course I’m doing is 28 days long and I’ll need to coordinate flights into, and out of, Thailand within a 30 day timeframe. This afternoon I’m taking my car to a place that purchases them on the spot. I don’t intend on selling my car today, but I’d like to get an idea about how much I’ll get if I sell it that way. It would definitely be less hassle for me to sell it this way than to a private party, but I expect they won’t give me nearly as much as I can get selling it on my own.

I’ve been lonely lately. The sight of attractive men fills me with this yearning to be in a relationship or dating at the very least. I suppose it’s a great sign that I’d like to get back out there and meet someone. Things with B are certainly over. Hopefully this signifies that the mourning period over the loss of that relationship is over as well. There was a guy on the subway today who I was very attracted to. I kept sneaking glances at him while building a life for us in my head. He was tall, lean and athletic. Just the way I like them. Hopefully one of my own will present himself sometime soon.

Gratitude List:
Having everything I need to get done before heading to Thailand falling easily into place.
Attractive men who awaken the desire to meet my own within me.
Being back in Minnesota tomorrow night – if only for a brief while.

I had the interview and got accepted. Things just got a lot more real! I have a strange mix of emotions surrounding it all right now. On the one hand, I’m really excited to have an adventure and try something different. None of my options for staying on the East Coast and supporting myself here even remotely excite me, but I’m sooooo excited about Thailand and doing something different. The interview itself made me wonder a little bit what I’m actually getting myself into and whether I’ll like teaching any more than I liked being stuck in a cubicle. It’s possible I’m one of those people who will never not dislike work of any kind, but I have to remain hopeful that that’s not actually the case. This is about the farthest departure from my last job imaginable. I think it’ll be great for me. Actually, I can’t wait to go. Although, it is very sad to be leaving NJ and the NYC area. I’m going to miss my roommates and this situation a lot. It’s been great these past couple of months. I’ve got to move on though and work towards something more in my life and this seems to be the next step in doing that.

I also went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens today. It was a really fun place to visit!

Gratitude List:
Future plans coming into focus and solidifying
M(a) and M(e)
Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

M(a) and I had a friendship day! It was great fun. We went to Asbury Park on the Jersey Shore, got lunch and bummed around the stores down there. We then made our way back along the coast and stopped at a few other places and then got dinner closer to where we live. I’m really grateful to have M(a) in my life. She’s a great friend and I’m so glad she invited me to come and live out here with her for a while.

I’m looking forward to the interview tomorrow for the certification to teach English I want to get. If they accept me I’ll quickly get in gear to get everything ready to head over to Thailand within a couple weeks. I hope they give me a spot in the class so I can start making travel arrangements and sell my car. It would be great to make it back to MN before I leave, but we’ll see how that goes. I really want to do this and I’d also love to be able to start firming up the plans – I’d like to get a concrete plan down and finally know this is actually going to happen. I have a lot of work to get done before I can go, but I’m ready for it to all fall into place.

I’ve been a little angry lately and have found that anger, today anyway, directed at B. I realize I’m choosing to be angry for whatever reason and it has less to do with him and more that I just want to be angry right now. I have a feeling it’ll pass soon enough. Tomorrow I’m meeting a few guys from the program and heading to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. I’m really excited to check out the gardens and that should take my mind off things. I’ve also gone two days now without eating anything sugary so that could definitely be contributing to my irritability. Tomorrow should be a better day with all of that.

Gratitude List:
Friendship day with M(a)
Bananas with peanut butter
Thailand!

I’ve had a few things rattling around in my head today, so here goes:

First off, I can’t think of a time in the past couple of years where I’ve been less happy with how I look. Most specifically, when I take my shirt off I’m simply disgusted. I’ve never been too pleased with that situation, but right now it’s nearly unbearable. And the problem is, it’s not an intermittent feeling that depends on the day. It’s this pervasive, unhappy and uncomfortable feeling. Part of it definitely has to do with the fact that I’m back at the gym and showering after working out. This means that I’m taking my shirt off in front of people again and walking around without a shirt on in the locker room. Every time I see myself in the mirror I can barely stand looking. Ugh. I hope that if I continue to work out with some regularity things might improve. I certainly don’t want them to get worse.

The other thing that’s been on my mind lately is B. I sent him an email about a week ago letting him know I was probably going to Thailand within the next few weeks and that I’d really like to see him before I leave. He sent me an email back saying he’d been so busy the last month with his schedule change and blah blah blah, but that he’d like to see me before I go. He made it sound like he would actually be getting a schedule in advance for a change and that once he knew what that was he’d let me know so we could plan to get together. I’m pretty much over it at this point. It’s always the same story with him. I ask him if he’s interested in hanging out sometime and he tells me that he would like to and then I hear absolutely nothing from him. I ask him to hang out before I leave and he says he would like to do that, but I doubt I’ll actually hear from him. I just wish he would level with me. Based on his actions he clearly doesn’t care if we hang out ever again. He never sends more than the errant text every couple of weeks that any reply to I make generally goes unanswered. If he wanted me in his life in any capacity he’d make some type of effort, yet he doesn’t do that. I’m over it. I mean I’ve been viewing things as basically done for the past couple of months, but I still occasionally hear from him or send him a text. The reason I reached out a week ago is because there are some things I’d like to say to him that I never got to say because there was no defined ending to our relationship. I’d like to have that closure and thank him for what he taught me about myself, life and love, but now this is just aggravating me. I don’t plan on reaching out again and if I do hear from him before leaving I’m going to have to think really hard about whether engaging with him in any way is something I should do.

On a positive note, I sent in an application to get certified to teach English in Thailand and have an interview set up for Tuesday night to speak with someone. If all goes well I can hopefully get enrolled in a course that starts 5/27! I’m really excited about this. I haven’t been excited about much of anything for so long it’s great to feel that again. I think this next chapter of my life will be really great!

Gratitude List:
Finally completing the Thailand application and getting an interview set up
Looking forward to a week filled with fun activities
Chocolate

I hate that vacant feeling my mind gets after watching tv for a few hours.

Gratitude List:
On Demand and House Hunters International!
Bike Rides
Water

I went to the mall today. I’ve been meaning to return a pair of jeans for over a month now, but haven’t gotten around to it. I realized I don’t have any shorts so I figured I’d get a pair or two of them when I returned the jeans. I’d forgotten how much I hate the mall and shopping in general. I was there for quite a while and looked through a few different stores letting my indecision run wild. I finally chose a pair of shorts, returned the jeans and left. I have no desire to do that again anytime soon.

Gratitude List:
Surviving a trip to the mall
A beautiful, sunny day
Bedtime

I’ve gone into Manhattan the last 3 days and I’m exhausted. There is a meeting I like to go to on Friday evenings, but the idea of hanging out in New Jersey tomorrow and grilling with the roommates tomorrow night is really appealing. I’m going to play it by ear and see what I feel like doing when I get up in the morning. It would be nice to go into the city, but time to relax would be much appreciated, too.

Gratitude List:
New opportunities being presented
A good night’s rest and time to relax tomorrow
A warm, sunny day