I’ve had a few things rattling around in my head today, so here goes:

First off, I can’t think of a time in the past couple of years where I’ve been less happy with how I look. Most specifically, when I take my shirt off I’m simply disgusted. I’ve never been too pleased with that situation, but right now it’s nearly unbearable. And the problem is, it’s not an intermittent feeling that depends on the day. It’s this pervasive, unhappy and uncomfortable feeling. Part of it definitely has to do with the fact that I’m back at the gym and showering after working out. This means that I’m taking my shirt off in front of people again and walking around without a shirt on in the locker room. Every time I see myself in the mirror I can barely stand looking. Ugh. I hope that if I continue to work out with some regularity things might improve. I certainly don’t want them to get worse.

The other thing that’s been on my mind lately is B. I sent him an email about a week ago letting him know I was probably going to Thailand within the next few weeks and that I’d really like to see him before I leave. He sent me an email back saying he’d been so busy the last month with his schedule change and blah blah blah, but that he’d like to see me before I go. He made it sound like he would actually be getting a schedule in advance for a change and that once he knew what that was he’d let me know so we could plan to get together. I’m pretty much over it at this point. It’s always the same story with him. I ask him if he’s interested in hanging out sometime and he tells me that he would like to and then I hear absolutely nothing from him. I ask him to hang out before I leave and he says he would like to do that, but I doubt I’ll actually hear from him. I just wish he would level with me. Based on his actions he clearly doesn’t care if we hang out ever again. He never sends more than the errant text every couple of weeks that any reply to I make generally goes unanswered. If he wanted me in his life in any capacity he’d make some type of effort, yet he doesn’t do that. I’m over it. I mean I’ve been viewing things as basically done for the past couple of months, but I still occasionally hear from him or send him a text. The reason I reached out a week ago is because there are some things I’d like to say to him that I never got to say because there was no defined ending to our relationship. I’d like to have that closure and thank him for what he taught me about myself, life and love, but now this is just aggravating me. I don’t plan on reaching out again and if I do hear from him before leaving I’m going to have to think really hard about whether engaging with him in any way is something I should do.

On a positive note, I sent in an application to get certified to teach English in Thailand and have an interview set up for Tuesday night to speak with someone. If all goes well I can hopefully get enrolled in a course that starts 5/27! I’m really excited about this. I haven’t been excited about much of anything for so long it’s great to feel that again. I think this next chapter of my life will be really great!

Gratitude List:
Finally completing the Thailand application and getting an interview set up
Looking forward to a week filled with fun activities
Chocolate