I just had a really great day. It was such an interesting day full of weird experiences, although in reality nothing too out of the ordinary happened.

I got up and walked to the train station. I found out the train into the city only runs every hour from the station near where I live… That was a bummer because there was a train right there when I got to the station I didn’t make it on. I was supposed to meet this guy in the city and realized I wasn’t going to make that so I cancelled. He seemed to understand. When I got into the city I walked through Chinatown for a bit because I had a little time to kill before an acupuncture appointment I had scheduled in the afternoon. I went into this Buddhist Temple in Chinatown and sat down in the large area. I guess I’m not really sure what this area would be called. As soon as I sat down this woman pops up, walks over and hands me an apple. I have no idea why she decided to give it to me, but I was hungry and thinking on the way there I should really get something to eat so it was a perfectly timed gift. I ate it after leaving the temple and couldn’t help but think that maybe it was a poison apple. I then realized what a wonderful compliment that would be for a Tuesday afternoon – to think that someone would think I was important enough to want to poison. I ate the apple not quite knowing what would happen next, but unfortunately it wasn’t poisoned. I guess I’m still just ordinary me. I suppose there could be worse things.

So after the apple tragedy I went to my acupuncture appointment. That was, again, very interesting. I learned a few things, but there was certainly a lot more that went right over my head. She’s clearly very smart. Once the acupuncture was over I sat down and ate some lunch then walked over to get my haircut. I went to this big place with a bunch of different people who cut hair in the basement. It was… again, interesting. It was also pretty inexpensive which was the main reason I went there. I think I’ll like my haircut when I get up and mess around with it after showering in the morning. If nothing else, it’s certainly not the worst haircut I’ve ever gotten in my life. After the haircut I wandered around Central Park for a while before meeting my friend at an AA meeting. While walking through the park I saw two people who were clearly having sex. They were quite a ways away from me and at first I thought maybe they were dancing or just joking around. It didn’t take long before it dawned on me that they were, indeed, having sex. It was pretty ballsy of them because the park was packed today since it was about 80 degrees. I could see all sorts of people pretty close to them and it wasn’t hard for me to figure out they were doing it. I suppose maybe other people just weren’t paying that much attention to anything around them. After Central Park I went to an AA meeting I’ve not been to before. A buddy of mine who goes regularly met me there. It was great to see him again. The meeting was also filled with the really pretty gay types. Overall it was a pretty good meeting and everyone was very nice. I went to fellowship afterwards and sat across from this really good looking guy. He was so attractive! Unfortunately he was also like 3 days sober so nothing will ever come of that. Well maybe if he stays sober for 6 months or a year and our paths cross again it could. Or, perhaps the universe will deliver another one just like him to me sometime soon? Yeah, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for that.

I’m so exhausted. I left the house around 10 am and didn’t get back until about 11:30 pm. Aside from a few hours that I was sitting down I spent the rest of that time walking around Manhattan. How fun! I’m so grateful to be able to go into the city like I did today and for the gorgeous day that we had!

Gratitude List:
Sleeping well because I’m physically exhausted
High hopes for a cute guy entering my life soon
A perfectly timed gift – a delicious apple

Hi C____,

Andrew

Gratitude List:
Showing myself as much compassion as other people do.
My Minneapolis sponsor
The ability to go for a bike ride on a beautiful day

I just talked to a friend back home in Minneapolis for 4 hours. It was great! I don’t remember the last time I talked to anyone on the phone for that long. I’m so grateful I have people in my life willing to talk to me for 4 hours on the phone. That’s nuts!

I hung out with this guy today I met on an app on my phone. Actually, we hung out last night and then got together again today. I don’t see this headed into romantic territory, but I do enjoy hanging out with him and I don’t really have many friends out here in NJ so I could definitely use a few of those. He brought me to this nature reserve not far from the house. It was heavily wooded and there was a lake. We walked through all of these paths for hours before he brought me to the coolest part… Wait for it… There was a deserted village! Except for the fact that a couple people live in homes there, it was a totally deserted village! There was one house that was totally creepy. You could look in the front door (which was padlocked) and see this old toy truck on the floor and a whole bunch of boards. The place was basically falling apart. It was built into the side of a hill and when we walked down to the other side there was a door to the basement that someone had pried off. As soon as I went inside the wind picked up and these trees outside made the strangest noise as they rubbed together. It was sooooo creepy. I wandered around the basement room for a little while until I got too weirded out and then went outside. I really wanted to walk up the stairs to the main floor and then up the next flight of stairs to the upper level, but I was too scared to do it. I’d like to go back sometime and try again. Unfortunately this place was falling apart and mostly boarded up to keep people from exploring these structures to avoid getting hurt (or angering the ghosts I’m pretty certain were all around). I guess I’ll just have to put that on my list of things to do some day. It was so creepy!

Gratitude List:
A long phone conversation with a good friend
Seeing the world as it truly is
Healing my heart

I went for a bike ride today! It was so much fun. I haven’t been on a bike ride since early fall in Minnesota. There is a park near where I’m living here in NJ. It’s nowhere near as nice as the lakes in Minneapolis I used to bike around, but I’m still grateful it’s there and I was able to bike through it today.

Today was definitely easier than yesterday. I really just need something to do at this point. It’s been 6 months since I worked and as much as I love not working, I’ve definitely gotten to the point where I need to find something new to fill my time with. Hopefully I’ll come up with something over the next few days. I could certainly keep myself busy for a while cleaning this room. It looks like I’m in training to be on hoarders soon. I suck at throwing stuff away. Thankfully I don’t accumulate things that quickly or I’d really be in trouble. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have time to tackle that – or at least make a little progress with it. Headed to bed now… Looking forward to some rest time.

Gratitude List:
Being able to bike around the new neighborhood
Spending some time with the roommates
Making some new friends

Today ended up being a very emotional day. I talked to my psychiatrist in Minneapolis this evening. I’ve been crying quite a bit since then, off and on, but it’s good. Very healing.

I feel a very strange mix of emotions. There is a tremendous amount of sadness, but also some anger and despair. On the one hand, I’m so grateful to be where I am today, but I’ve got a lot of feelings surrounding the shit I had to go through to get here. It shouldn’t have been that way, but it was. I’m trying to just accept it for what it was. I mean I certainly can’t go back in time and change anything. And really, those experiences have been so instrumental in getting me to the place I am today. Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am or have the strength I’m realizing I have. I’ve finally managed to divest myself of the afflictions I spent so many years collecting. I first developed the eating disorder, then came the substance abuse in conjunction with the eating disorder and finally the mental illness piled on top – just for good measure. All the tools I needed to keep myself unhappy. And use them I did. I’m glad I don’t need them anymore. It was so much work peeling back those layers and removing them one by one, but well worth the fight. The substance abuse went first, then the eating disorder, and finally the mental illness. I consider that as having officially died today. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever figure I’d be able to kill that one. Yet, somehow, I did.

Today is a great barometer for the progress I’ve made. I cried and felt very sad today, without the desire to kill myself. I bought two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream from the store without the intention of binging (and I enjoyed eating some without overwhelming guilt). I used no drugs or alcohol.

By all accounts, it appears I’ve learned to live with the feelings and emotions I’ve always tried to eat, starve, medicate, drink or drug away. It may have taken me 31 years, but I did it. I finally did it.

Gratitude List:
My future free of psychiatry
The ability to take risks again
Having worth and finding purpose

I’m really glad that I don’t have anything I have to do tomorrow. This has been a long (read sad)
week with my class at UCB ending and my meditation workshop ending. As much as I love not working, I still need something to keep me busy. I think tomorrow will be a rest appreciation day. I’ve got a lot of stuff I should do and will probably work to get some of that done, but I also need a day to unwind and not do too much. Yay for rest appreciation days!

Gratitude List:
Rest appreciation days!
Thailand
J

Another morning(ish) update.

I’m really excited to finally make Thailand a reality. Everything is falling into place and the timing couldn’t be better. Woohoo!

I’ve got quite a bit of stuff to do before I can go. Mostly though I just have to sit around and wait for some documents I need in order to work in Thailand. I’ve requested them so hopefully they will show up soon. I’m going to create a list and brainstorm everything that has to get done before I can leave. That way I can start working on all of those things. The biggest challenge is probably going to be selling my car. Hopefully it won’t be that difficult. I’ve definitely got to research that some more. I’m not expecting to get top dollar or anything.

I’m headed into the city soon. I should really get ready to go. I’ve got to figure out what to wear. I’ve got a date after this evening reiki thing. I’ve lost interest in really dating or meeting people in this area… especially knowing that I’ll be leaving it soon.

Gratitude List:
The days getting a little warmer
Turning the dreams I finally have into reality
Trusting myself and the world around me

Morning(ish) update. Slept for a really long time last night. It was good though. I used to feel really guilty when I slept for excessive periods (like 12 hours or more), but it rarely happens anymore so on the odd day it does I’m ok with that.

Headed to my last workshop tonight on meditation and developing the heart qualities. It’s been a great workshop and I’m glad I decided to take it. It’s weird to think that after tonight all of my standing commitments in the city will be over. It’s sad, in a way, but exciting, too. I’ve been wanting to travel for a while now and I’m figuring that out right now. It looks like Thailand is most likely going to happen – perhaps much sooner than I’d figured. I requested documents I need to teach yesterday and will continue to research programs to get certified in teaching. There is one in Chiang Mai, a northern city in Thailand, that starts in late May that looks like it would work well. I’m kind of thinking that will be the one I do, but there’s still quite a bit that needs to fall into place before I’m ready to make that happen. I’ve also been reading about how difficult the certifications are. I haven’t read a lot about people taking the class and failing it, but I keep reading about how much work they are and how difficult the subject matter can be. I’m definitely not great when it comes to grammar. Intuitively I’m pretty good, but I haven’t a clue when people start talking about indirect objects and the mechanical aspects to grammar. I’m excited for a new adventure! It’s sad that my time here in NJ is coming to an end. I have enjoyed being here, but I need to come up with a plan and this one seems to be as good as any. I’m actually excited about this, whereas anything else I’d do doesn’t really excite me very much.

Gratitude List:
New Adventures
The drive and ambition to achieve my goals
Love for myself and the world around me

My last class went well. I’m glad it’s over with. I might not be pursuing a career in comedy writing right now, but I learned a lot in the class and it was a good experience. I’m glad I decided to take it!

I’m super excited about sleep. I can’t believe it’s nearly 3 am and I’m still up. I seem to be staying up later and later these days. It would be nice to get my sleep back on track… I liked when I was going to bed around 11 pm and waking up in the morning. I’ve got a ton of things I want to get done tomorrow, so I hope it’s a productive day. It should be.

Gratitude List:
Sleeping in without an alarm
Planning future adventures
Keeping the damn cats out of my room

Busy day. Forgot to update last night. Headed to my last sketch comedy writing class at UCB now. It’s sad, but I’m grateful I’ll no longer be tied down going forward. I’ve certainly got a lot of healing to do. I feel a lot of anger, but also a tremendous amount of sadness inside me. Things should not be the way they are and things shouldn’t have progressed the way they did. I think I’ll leave the country soon and finally make Thailand happen. I’m going to spend some time today figuring out what I need to get in order before I can go and then tomorrow I’ll get the ball rolling on all of those things. There is a lot to be done, but I’m hoping that within two weeks time I’ll be ready to purchase a ticket. I certainly don’t want to be in the US for longer than another month. It’s time to go. It’s time to heal. It’s time to help.

Gratitude List:
All the wonderful people I’ve met and the writing I’ve done in my UCB class
Planning new adventures
The ability to destroy some shit