I don’t often dream. Every so often I’ll go through a phase where I start dreaming and remembering them (or bits of them) in the morning. In the last week I’ve had a couple dreams that have ended up with me on a boat (or raft) in a body of water. Each time I specifically remember thinking in the dream “don’t go in the water.” This morning I did some dream research on google and dreams where you are afraid of going in the water are indicative of being afraid of living life. I’d say that’s pretty accurate right now. I’ve got a plan, along with the ability to execute it, but I’m dragging my feet on actually making it happen. I’m not sure if it’s just the fear of the unknown right now that’s causing me to act like this, but I hope I snap out of it soon. I feel like a different person than I was a couple months ago. I’m not sure where that fearless, unafraid of living life person went. I hope he comes back soon.

Gratitude List:
A nice evening with the roommates
Getting a bit more organized
Squats and deadlifts at the gym

I just want to be happy. I’d like to help other people find happiness, too.

Gratitude List:
Being able to work out again
Long conversations with friends back home
Seizing the day

I’ve got to get this out so it’s no longer just jumbling around inside my head.

Thailand is a very smart strategic move. It’ll provide an adventure I really want to have. It’s also going to give me some time to work on writing. I’m sure if I look I can find short story contests to enter which would be a great place to start with it all. In addition to that, the certification I get will give me a much better understanding of the English language. After the program I should understand it from a technical standpoint that I don’t now. This will come in handy for the writing and also for future jobs I might decide to pursue because I’ll have a better understanding of grammar. In terms of learning another language it’ll come in handy too because I’ll be able to better relate how English works compared to whatever language I decide to learn. Thai probably. It’s a huge change, but it’ll be a great one. And really, if I don’t like it I can always come back. It’ll be tough moving farther away from home, but the perspective I’ll gain living in another country will be invaluable in terms of personal growth and my writing. I feel much less conflicted now than I have the last few days. I’m ready and excited to do this. It’s time to make this happen. Woohoo! I’m so excited for an adventure and a new experience!

Gratitude List:
Tourist day in the city!
Yummy food
Never seeing the inside of a cubicle ever again.

I went to the gym again today. Today I did squats! My knees fared well. I’m hoping I don’t find myself in a lot of pain tomorrow and that if I continue doing squats they don’t degrade to a point where they hurt all the time again. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m also planning on easing back into things. Tomorrow I’m taking off from the gym entirely.

As much as I love this Thailand idea, I feel like I’m rushing it. I’m going to sit back and give it a few days or a week and just mull it over. I certainly don’t need to be a in a hurry to get over there and I am enjoying exploring NYC and being out here. I’m also pretty homesick. Getting on a plane and flying to Thailand is certainly not going to help that situation. Ultimately it is something I want to do, but I know I’ll be best off waiting until I’m certain I’m ready to do it.

B sent me at a text today. It was one of those out of the blue, random text messages. I texted him back, but didn’t hear anything past the initial text. I’m feeling like there are a few things I’d like to say to him that will provide me with some closure. Mainly I’d like to tell him he’s a great guy and thank him for being a good sport about things. I certainly lost my head with the whole Istanbul adventure. But, I’m learning, growing and having new experiences. I can’t fault myself too much for that. I plan on sending him an email soon and saying what I need to say. The whole situation got a little too ambiguous for me and I’d certainly benefit from having things be a little more final. Who knows, maybe that’s what is keeping me from making Thailand happen as soon as possible.

Gratitude List:
Being able to do squats at the gym
Fellowship and meeting new people
Going to bed physically tired because of a good workout

I went to the gym today! I had a groupon that I bought for a month membership. It was nice to workout for a little while and get some exercise. I’m planning on going back tomorrow, too. I had a moment of (extreme) sadness when I looked in the mirror today. It really has been nearly a year since I was working out with any consistency. Things could have turned out worse, but it’s time I do whatever I need to do so that I can start working out again. My knees feel alright right now. Hopefully that will be the case when I get up in the morning too. I need to move past these knee surgeries and on with my life. I’m also thinking I might have some work done in Thailand and it would probably be best to be back in better physical shape before doing that. On a positive note, I’m tired from working out. I’m looking forward to bed soon and hopefully sleeping well because of all the exercise.

I’ve read a few stories about the Boston Marathon explosions. It’s so sad and tragic. So many lives forever changed because of it. My heart goes out to all of those who were affected by this terrible event.

Gratitude List:
Safety
Working out again
New Socks

I’ve been reading again. I’m not good at moderating things so it’s possible I’ll read several books straight through and then stop again. The one thing I miss about my old job was being able to read every morning (and quite a few afternoons) at the Barnes and Noble 2 blocks away. I do really like reading. And since I want to get serious about this writing I need to do more reading, but from the perspective of a writer. I bought a book titled “Who is Mark Twain” – I know that should be underlined, but I can’t figure out how to on here. It’s a bunch of short stories that he wrote. I figure since he’s known for being really funny and I’ve been meaning to put together some short stories (probably based on the sketches I did for my sketch class) it’ll be good for me to read his writing. So far I really like what I’ve read. The last one veered off in a direction I wasn’t really expecting, but it was funny and I enjoyed reading it.

Goals for tomorrow: Talk to the guy about rolling over my 401k, go to the gym, work on the application for the CELTA program I want to take, drive to the ocean and read for a while if I have time. Oh, and sleep in of course.

Gratitude List:
Getting some sunshine today
Reading again
A productive tomorrow

I tried doing a gluten test today. I’m not sure it was really conclusive. I ate a bunch of gluten and then I took a nap for 3 hours. I guess maybe that’s my answer in itself.

I ordered a pizza and some breadsticks for the test. While waiting, I called my twin brother. It sounds like he’s sleeping a lot. I couldn’t help but think perhaps the reason I was always able to sleep so much in the past is because my body has a hard time processing gluten and it needs more time to rest because of that. Now that I don’t eat nearly as much bread I don’t sleep nearly as much. Today I woke up after sleeping for about 8 hours last night because I simply couldn’t sleep any longer. That never used to happen to me a few years ago. I always attributed it to feeling better and not being depressed, but maybe it has more to do with diet than anything else. I’m glad to be at the place I am with sleep. It used to drive me nuts when I’d conk out for 12 hours or more.

I’ve also been using this app on my phone. It’s a location based app used to meet other men. I’m not really at a place where I want to meet that many men, but I find that I’m still using it. Most of the guys just want to hookup which isn’t something that I generally like doing. I’ve listed on my profile that I’m looking for more than a hookup which deters most of the guys who are only looking for sex. Not all of them though. This one pretty good looking guy messaged me today and pretty much immediately wanted “body pics.” I can barely stand the thought of taking pictures with my shirt off. The thought of sending them to another human being fills me with despair. The great thing is I don’t need to. I sent him a message saying I wasn’t looking to hookup and telling him to have a good night. What I really need is a friends with benefits situation. I’ve never really had that. I’m not sure I could have sex with someone and not want it to turn into something more. It would be nice though. I don’t really have an outlet right now which sometimes leads me to some kind of skeezy situations. If there was some guy I trusted and could have fun with every now and then it would be really nice. I’m pretty much over that app at this point. I’m not really in the mood to meet people and go on dates. If I thought I was going to be around here for much longer I might be, but at this point I’m using it more as a way to waste time. 99% of the conversations I have on the app never lead to me meeting the person. That said, I am maybe hanging out with a guy tomorrow from the app. He seems pretty cute. Hmm.

I also got the documents I need to go to Thailand. That happened much sooner than I thought it would. I still haven’t applied for the CELTA program I want to take. My goal is to get that done tomorrow. As soon as I’m accepted to the program (which I don’t think will be a problem, but it might be) I can book a ticket to Thailand. I’m excited to have an adventure. I’m not really sure what the hold up is on getting that application done. This is something I want to do, but for some reason I’m not in a big hurry. It would be nice to get over there sooner rather than later. The class starts in late May so if I was on a flight by the end of this month I’d have lots of time to bum around Thailand before the class starts. Tomorrow I’ll work on the application and hopefully get that sent off.

Gratitude List:
Seeing the cherry blossoms tomorrow
A date, perhaps?
Moving forward with life

I talked to my Minneapolis sponsor again today about my crappy NJ sponsor. What I realized after that conversation is that the reason I want to get a hold of my NJ sponsor now is more to get the last word than anything else. I’m 31 years old – I certainly don’t need the last word in this situation. I will readily take credit for my part in it all and I see how his actions contributed as well. I’d decided I didn’t want to work with the NJ sponsor anymore before he quit answering or returning my calls. I got what I wanted, just not in the way I wanted to get it. It’s time to let this go and move on with my life.

I’m beginning to wonder if I don’t have a gluten sensitivity. And by beginning to wonder, I mean my acupuncturist said I’ve got something indicative of a food allergy and suggested I cut out gluten for a couple weeks and see how I feel. I’ve found it harder than I thought it would be to cut it out. I don’t eat bread that often, but I find when I’m confronted with it I tend to just eat it. Tonight I went to a meeting and then to fellowship afterwards. Fellowship was at this guy’s apartment on the UWS. They ordered pizza… So of course, I ate some. Not long afterwards my nose got really stuffy. I’ve actually noticed other times, now that I think about it, that my nose has gotten all stuffy after eating some bread. It’s very possible it’s because of the gluten (I think). I’m going to plan an experiment for tomorrow. After the experiment I’m going to really be serious about cutting out gluten for a couple weeks and seeing how that goes.

Gratitude List:
Fellowship with fun, sober people
Spending the morning sleeping in
A possible new friend in NJ

So I’ve been sober for a few years now. Part of sobriety includes working with a sponsor. It’s not something I did much of in early sobriety, but in the last year (especially with the knee surgeries and narcotics I had to take for them!) I decided I should really start working with one. I found a sponsor in Minneapolis and met with him for a while before I left. I still consider him my Minneapolis sponsor and talk to him every now and then. He’s a great guy and a good resource for me. It’s great to build some longevity with support people like that, too. I plan on keeping in touch with him wherever I end up. I’m really grateful to have him in my life.

When I moved out to NJ I decided I should probably get a temporary sponsor. I went to a meeting in February and asked this guy who seemed like he had a good sense of humor to be my temporary sponsor. We met a few times. He brought me to the yoga/meditation place where I ended up signing up for the workshop on developing the heart qualities which I’m so glad I took. Unfortunately, getting together with him hasn’t been that easy. He works in Manhattan and starts his days very early. I don’t work and don’t start my days early at all. Although my new goal is to go to bed by 2 am (or earlier!) in the future. Not sure this is a realistic goal, but we’ll see. Anyway, because of these conflicting schedules it’s been hard to get together with him. He suggests meeting in the morning for meetings (like 6 or 7 am) and I just don’t want to do that. We have been able to go to a couple meetings together, but what we haven’t been able to do is really get into a rhythm when it comes to getting together. It’s always, for the most part, felt very forced. Generally speaking, when something feels forced it’s a pretty good indication, for me at least, that it wasn’t meant to be. To make a long story short, we were going to get together on Saturday and then he sent me a text saying that wasn’t going to work for him anymore and that we’d get together on Sunday instead. There’s a 7:30 am meeting on Sunday morning that he goes to – it’s actually the one I met him at. I didn’t realize when he sent the text that he meant we’d meet after that meeting, so I texted him back saying that was fine. When I woke up at noon on Sunday it immediately dawned on me that he meant for us to meet after the meeting. I probably should have realized this before that point, but I don’t like mornings or getting up for them so it didn’t cross my mind. I didn’t call him on Sunday or Monday, but rather spent those days thinking about whether I should even keep meeting with this guy. I made up my mind that I’d be done with it and was trying to decide if I should just never call him again or if I needed to have a conversation with him about what I’d decided. I figured I should probably give him a call. I called my sponsor in Minneapolis first to get his take on things and find out what the etiquette in this situation is. He told me I should definitely give him a call and thank him for his time so far and let him know. He also pointed out that if things weren’t working for me they probably weren’t working for this guy, either. I tried calling my temporary NJ sponsor on Tuesday. He didn’t answer which is odd because he usually does. I left a message and didn’t get a call back. I still hadn’t heard from him today so I gave him another call. He again didn’t answer and still hasn’t called me back.

Now I’m pissed.

This is a guy who puts on that face that he works the best program ever and is such a wonderful person and is involved, knows the Big Book really well and makes a great sponsor. And here I am, not an expert, and wanting to resolve this situation like the adult that I am and he’s dodging my calls. The thing is, the not being able to figure out a time to meet was only a part of not wanting to get together with him anymore. He also makes me really uncomfortable. Like he’s got something unresolved and toxic inside him. I can see it and it really turns me off. He bickers with his wife who also happens to be in the program. I’m not sure she sees that for what it is. I can see that although they joke about it, there’s an edge to his voice. An anger underneath the surface of it. I certainly don’t need to be around something that toxic. The last time I spoke to this NJ temporary sponsor he also suggested we go in his hot tub together…. So there is that, too.

I really just want to thank him for meeting with me the few times he did. That’s the only reason I’ve wanted to call him the last few days, but now I’ve found myself getting angry about the situation because he’s acting like a child. I’m going to call my real sponsor (the one in Minneapolis who’s good at sponsoring people) tomorrow and get his take on things. I kind of feel like picking a fight with this guy in NJ, but I know that’s not going to solve anything. I should probably just let it drop and leave it along entirely. It’s really not worth my time, but now I’d also like to feel like the situation has been resolved. I guess I’ll sleep on it and see what my good sponsor has to say about it tomorrow.

Gratitude List:
A fun night out meeting new people
A day of rest
Delicious tea

I had another interesting day. I met a friend in the city. We went to a used bookstore. I’m not sure why, but whenever I go to a bookstore with used or discounted books my inner hoarder comes out and I just keep buying more and more books. The thing is, I don’t even read regularly right now. I’m going through this phase where I’m just not really reading books. I ended up buying seven new books, but I got a good price on them and a nice variety so I plan on reading them soon. I also wandered through the aisles thinking about how much fun writing is and how great it would be to support myself writing. It would really solve a million different problems – mainly my inability to deal with a boss along with my extremely low tolerance for doing things that don’t interest me. I’ve never tried to write a book, but I think I will soon. I’ll just keep in mind that it’s hard and requires a lot of practice. Certainly I won’t be great at it right away, but if I work at it I’d at least have the knowledge I’m improving. That in itself would be great. I’ve got to start reading a lot more with the eye of a writer – trying to determine what works and why. That sort of thing.

I had what I guess I would qualify as an “aha” moment on the train home this evening. Lately I’ve been thinking about music and how it affects the brain. I mean from a longevity standpoint I’d say that listening to sad, mopey songs all the time probably changes your outlook on life. Or perhaps you already have that outlook and the music you listen to perpetuates rather than changes it. I’ve used music, very successfully, for the past few years to amplify emotion. I used to have a playlist titled “I want to cut myself” that I’d listen to whenever I felt like life sucked. It was basically a compilation of songs that came from different periods of my life. The one thing they all had in common is that I used to listen to them a lot when things were really bad. So every time I hear whatever particular song it makes me feel sad for a whole slew of reasons. I don’t really use music to change my emotions – like listening to happy things when I’m feeling sad. It’s generally always used to amplify sad emotions or on occasion happy emotions. Lately I’ve been thinking I need to do a better job of listening to uplifting music. I find myself with the desire much more often these days than in the past to be happy and amplify that feeling, but I don’t have that much music on my phone that I can do that with. Part of the problem is that a lot of the music that makes me feel sad could also make me feel happy, but since I’ve been sad so much in the past I’ve claimed it more for that use. Hmm, I guess I’ve never really thought about it like that. Anyway, I’ve got to find some more music that I can use to feel happy. Or reclaim some old music to use for that.

Ok, so back to the “aha” moment. About a decade ago at the height of my second manic episode I got trapped in a song. It was the strangest situation ever. I’ve been thinking about it on occasion lately and haven’t quite been able to figure out why. On the train on the way home it dawned on me. When I got trapped I was listening to this super emotional Sarah Mclachlan song. What I realized was that when I got trapped I was basically feeling all of these emotions – the ones she was expressing down to the core of my being. Like I was finally not filtering them through my head, but rather just feeling them in my body. I didn’t have to think about how I felt, I just felt. Unfortunately it was also a Sarah Mclachlan song so everything I felt was very, very sad. By the time the song, which is a few minutes long, ended I was emotionally fried and threw the cd out the window. It was like I wasn’t even able to think or figure out what was going on throughout the entire song. I just felt. I’d never had something happen to that degree before. It felt like such a significant realization earlier, but now I’m having a hard time figuring out why exactly I felt that way, except for the fact that I felt the emotions in my body- like down to my core. I also don’t remember having much visual imagery from the song’s words or anything. It was really just feeling emotion. The emotion she was singing. I was wondering on the walk home if this didn’t represent a regression of sorts back to a more primal way of living. I was very stoned at the time. It’s also quite possible that before we as humans were able to communicate with words and fully formed sentences that we communicated emotion with inflection and pitch more than anything. Perhaps I was reacting to that on a very basic, fundamental level. In my opinion you can always tell a lot about a person by how they sound when they talk. It’s generally a dead give away to their underlying mood even when they are trying really hard to hide something.

I guess I’ll have to sleep on it.

Gratitude List:
Cute guys and the possibility of dating one
Friends to explore the city with
New books to read