I don’t know what to say about today. The workshops and fellowship were both great, but most of the night I’ve been on the verge of tears. I’ve just felt really sad. If I hadn’t been in a group of people I probably would have taken some time to cry and just let it out. I’m not exactly sure what I’m sad for.

I feel lonely. I would like to have a deeper, intimate relationship with someone else. Unfortunately my inherent distrust of most all good looking guys makes that pretty difficult. It’s something I hope to work through. I also realize it’s got a lot less to do with them and a lot more to do with me. Good looking guys make me feel inadequate about how I look and my body. The certainty that they’ll reject me means I refuse to give them a chance. I plan on working on myself to hopefully change that.

I’m also feeling a bit sad because I’m finally showing up to life, but I don’t necessarily have anything to feel passionate about right now. It makes me feel empty inside. Someday things will be different. And realistically speaking I’m working pretty hard right now to change that. I just have to give it time and be patient. Things will fall into place as long as I have faith, patience and pray for the help I need.

Gratitude list:
Prayer
Working towards loving and accepting myself so I’m capable of doing the same for someone else
The ability to release old thoughts, patterns and behaviors that don’t serve me well anymore

I’m also very grateful for B and the time I got to spend with him. Things may not have worked out, but I’m grateful to have him as my first love and I hope for the best for him.