Today ended up being a very emotional day. I talked to my psychiatrist in Minneapolis this evening. I’ve been crying quite a bit since then, off and on, but it’s good. Very healing.

I feel a very strange mix of emotions. There is a tremendous amount of sadness, but also some anger and despair. On the one hand, I’m so grateful to be where I am today, but I’ve got a lot of feelings surrounding the shit I had to go through to get here. It shouldn’t have been that way, but it was. I’m trying to just accept it for what it was. I mean I certainly can’t go back in time and change anything. And really, those experiences have been so instrumental in getting me to the place I am today. Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am or have the strength I’m realizing I have. I’ve finally managed to divest myself of the afflictions I spent so many years collecting. I first developed the eating disorder, then came the substance abuse in conjunction with the eating disorder and finally the mental illness piled on top – just for good measure. All the tools I needed to keep myself unhappy. And use them I did. I’m glad I don’t need them anymore. It was so much work peeling back those layers and removing them one by one, but well worth the fight. The substance abuse went first, then the eating disorder, and finally the mental illness. I consider that as having officially died today. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever figure I’d be able to kill that one. Yet, somehow, I did.

Today is a great barometer for the progress I’ve made. I cried and felt very sad today, without the desire to kill myself. I bought two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream from the store without the intention of binging (and I enjoyed eating some without overwhelming guilt). I used no drugs or alcohol.

By all accounts, it appears I’ve learned to live with the feelings and emotions I’ve always tried to eat, starve, medicate, drink or drug away. It may have taken me 31 years, but I did it. I finally did it.

Gratitude List:
My future free of psychiatry
The ability to take risks again
Having worth and finding purpose