I completely forgot to post an update last night. It was probably for the best. My brain was entirely fried by the time I went to bed. I spent nearly the entire day working through applications to get certified to teach English. I completed one and got partway done with the second one. There were tons of grammar questions asking that I identify verb tenses and all sorts of other things I didn’t really know how to do. I did my best searching online to figure things out, but it was really confusing. I think if I was taught it I wouldn’t have that much trouble with it, it’s just that I’ve never been taught grammar from that technical of a standpoint. I sent off the first application which I can only hope was satisfactorily done. I’m not sure it was, but I’ll find out depending on whether or not I hear from the place about interviewing. I’m nearly finished with the second application. I worked on it for a bit this morning. I texted a friend of mine who taught English in Japan and I’m hoping to get her on the phone tonight and go over my application answers. I don’t want to risk submitting two applications with a ton of errors in them. If getting accepted to this class to get certified doesn’t work out I’m not certain what I’ll do next. There are less rigorous certifications I could get and still go and teach, but I’d like to get this one because it would make it easier for me to travel to places other than SE Asia and teach if I wanted.

Gratitude List:
Finishing the applications for classes
Prince
An adventure on the horizon

Sadness. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only emotion I’m truly comfortable feeling. The only safe space to be found inside me. The emotion I’m most intimately familiar with.

I miss Minnesota. I miss the lakes, the restaurants I used to go to, the meetings I attended and most importantly the great friends I’ve accumulated there. I wish I could see them, hug them, chat and catch up. There really isn’t a lot for me in Minneapolis anymore aside from those friends. My time living there has come to an end. Moving on is good, but change – especially this change, has proven to be quite difficult.

I’m on the bus home from the retreat right now. I got a lot out of the retreat and I was able to gain some much needed clarity. I’m excited for where my life is headed. I’ve still got a tremendous amount of pain and sadness I’ll continue to work through in good time. It’ll be different now though. Now that I’m showing up for life, taking risks and setting goals for myself. I’ve still got plenty of fear to work through, but I’m taking steps and making progress towards doing that.

I’m excited about my future life. I’m also pretty happy with the life I’m currently living. I plan to continue to work on personal development – to continue to grow, to change and to transform myself into the person I want to be.

Gratitude list:
Changing, growing, loving
Letting go of old behaviors and thoughts that no longer serve me
Asking for help when I need it

I don’t know what to say about today. The workshops and fellowship were both great, but most of the night I’ve been on the verge of tears. I’ve just felt really sad. If I hadn’t been in a group of people I probably would have taken some time to cry and just let it out. I’m not exactly sure what I’m sad for.

I feel lonely. I would like to have a deeper, intimate relationship with someone else. Unfortunately my inherent distrust of most all good looking guys makes that pretty difficult. It’s something I hope to work through. I also realize it’s got a lot less to do with them and a lot more to do with me. Good looking guys make me feel inadequate about how I look and my body. The certainty that they’ll reject me means I refuse to give them a chance. I plan on working on myself to hopefully change that.

I’m also feeling a bit sad because I’m finally showing up to life, but I don’t necessarily have anything to feel passionate about right now. It makes me feel empty inside. Someday things will be different. And realistically speaking I’m working pretty hard right now to change that. I just have to give it time and be patient. Things will fall into place as long as I have faith, patience and pray for the help I need.

Gratitude list:
Prayer
Working towards loving and accepting myself so I’m capable of doing the same for someone else
The ability to release old thoughts, patterns and behaviors that don’t serve me well anymore

I’m also very grateful for B and the time I got to spend with him. Things may not have worked out, but I’m grateful to have him as my first love and I hope for the best for him.

I’m at a retreat in Connecticut so this is a phone update.

It’s been a great day! I made my way into the city and found where the bus was leaving from. There are a couple familiar faces here, but no one that I know very well so when I got to the bus while everyone was outside socializing I went and sat inside the bus by myself. For a while I was really wishing I’d stayed home. I have never done that well in social situations and I seem to have an even harder time when it’s a situation that involves a lot of gay men. I did a great job of sucking it up and introducing myself to people. Actually, all day I’ve done well getting to know people and not running away and isolating myself because I feel uncomfortable. I’ve gotten to know quite a few people already so tomorrow should be even easier. I have a feeling by Sunday I’ll feel like an entirely new person. All of the workshops and wellness things they have going on also look great! I am excited to take part in them tomorrow.

I went to a meeting at midnight and the speaker talked a lot about how nervous he was and how difficult it is putting yourself in a situation like this. Nearly everyone who shared afterward spoke about how it’s been difficult for them as well. I sometimes forget that I’m not the only one that has a hard time in social situations where I don’t know many people. It’s good to keep that in perspective.

Gratitude list:
The ability to push through the discomfort and make a bunch of new friends
A deeper sense of spirituality
The desire to be a winner

I’m going to an AA retreat tomorrow. It’s on a lake in Connecticut. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to Connecticut. I’m really looking forward to it. Hopefully it’ll be a great experience and I’ll gain some further insight into spirituality, along with making a few new friends.

Gratitude List:
Being a bit closer to nature this weekend
Acupuncture
Making progress on the application for Thailand

I met a friend in the city today and we were able to get lottery tickets to see Wicked! It was so much fun and I really enjoyed the musical. The cast was awesome and our seats were in the very first row. I can’t think of a better last “tourist day” with her. She’s headed home to South Carolina at the end of this week which bums me out, but I’m grateful to have gotten to spend time with her while we were both here.

I’m headed back into the city tomorrow and will hopefully be able to go to a meeting in the afternoon. Ideally I’d like to take some time and work on my application for the Thailand training program tomorrow. I emailed one of the schools today to check and see if there was still room available in a class that starts on 5/13. If there is I’m going to try really hard to get the application done soon. Starting the class on 5/13 doesn’t give me a lot of time to get things organized and go, but I usually need to light a fire under myself before I get anything done. Such is life, I guess.

Gratitude List:
Wicked!
Lydia
Making Progress

Late update for yesterday…

I made some poor decisions at the gym yesterday. I went with the intention of doing an hour on the eliptical machine. Close to the end of that hour I got the idea in my head I should go longer than that. I ended up adopting the idea that going the length of a marathon on the eliptical machine was a great idea. Once I got it into my head I couldn’t not do it. A total of 4 hours later and I’d gone 27.2 miles (which I realize is longer than a marathon). I can only set the machine for 60 minutes at a time so after each hour I’d get off, walk over to the drinking fountain and refill my water bottle and get back on. The first hour was pretty easy. The second hour wasn’t so hard. By the third hour I was starting to wonder if it was really a good idea and if I’d be able to make it. My legs were tired at that point. I spent basically the entire fourth hour repeating in my head “my body is light, joyous and free” while willing myself to go on. I’m not quite sure where that steely reserve comes from when I work out. I certainly wish I could access it when it came to figuring out how to support myself. I mean when I think about it, it’s truly remarkable that a week after going to the gym I was able to go 27.2 miles on the eliptical machine without any preparation or planning. I was so tired when I finally got home. I didn’t sleep well either… Because my body hates me. My knees held up pretty well so that was good. And I didn’t give up, so that was pretty great too. I’m proud that I was able to do it. Back when the eating disorder was much more entrenched I used to bike for 90 minutes a day as hard as I could, everyday. Even now I have no idea how I pulled it off considering I wasn’t eating or ever giving my body the fuel it needed. It really became a mind over matter and pushing through the uncomfortableness. I’m pretty sure I have a gift for that when it comes to physical exercise. I’m also certain if I’d thought ahead about doing this I could have made sure I was a bit more prepared with what I’d eaten for the day. I guess that’ll be something to strive for in the future.

Gratitude list:
Being thoroughly exhausted
Bryant park in NYC (where I am sitting now)
My knees being able to handle doing more

I had one of the most frightening experiences I’ve had in quite some time. This afternoon I went to an investment center because I’m rolling over my 401k from my last job. Once I got there I found myself looking around for a minute thinking “this might not be such a bad place to work – maybe I should look at their job openings.” I’m still trembling in fear from that experience. I cannot go back to another soulless corporate job.

But, at the same time, I need something more to do with my time. I’m ready to be doing more again and entertain the thought of getting a job again. I still think Thailand is my best bet. It’s also the opportunity that excites me the most. Tomorrow I’m going to set aside some time to really look over this application I have to do for the program to get certified. Basically everything at this point is hinging on getting into a class and setting some dates. Once I’ve done that I can start the process of doing all the other things I need to do before I leave – like selling my car, figuring out what I’m shipping back to MN and what I plan on leaving here in NJ at M and M’s. By the end of this week I’m going to have that application submitted. This weekend I’m going on a retreat that I think will prove to be pretty beneficial in connecting with my heart and soul and clearly seeing things again.

Although, in reality, I do see things pretty clearly. I know what it’s going to take to make me happy and fulfilled in this life and it’s certainly not a big house, nice car or the trappings a lot of other people strive for. I need novelty, purpose and the opportunity to help people. Those are things that will ultimately make me feel successful.

Gratitude List:
Good conversations with helpful people – M(a) and L
The ability to perform squats and deadlifts
Reading again – Mark Twain right now

I’ve really enjoyed going back to the gym the past few days. I’ve been trying to mix up what I’m doing a bit more – using the eliptical machine some days and doing squats/deadlifts other days. I should really be lifting, but since I’m just getting back into it I’ve been enjoying the eliptical machine. Hopefully I won’t go overboard and start using it for hours a day and doing nothing else. That possibility exists, but I don’t want to fall into that trap again. It’s hard because I feel like I look just gross right now and should be super focused on working out. Based on past experiences getting super focused on working out is never a good thing.

I’ve been doing more Thailand research trolling forums for a couple hours again. I’m tired and ready to go to bed. My eyes don’t want to look at a monitor anymore.

Gratitude List:
Feeling more productive
A few days with a much better diet
Exercise

I’ve been doing more research on where I want to teach abroad. I figure I should probably make sure Thailand is the best place for me. It’s possible I’ll decide to go somewhere else, but I’m pretty sure Thailand will be it.

I went into NYC tonight for a concert at this meditation place I’ve been going to. I really enjoyed the concert. Afterwards I met a friend across the street for this dance I guess. There were a lot of people there. I managed to stay for about an hour. Packed crowds of people drinking and dancing with extremely loud music is not my idea of fun any longer. I couldn’t be happier.

Gratitude List:
Having worth and finding purpose
A trip back to MN in the not so distant future
A lazy Sunday ahead of me after waking up tomorrow